kendahke Posted November 18, 2019 Posted November 18, 2019 Thanks a lot you guys..! I will just tell her that i love her, but something is missing. Maybe due to her lack of experience in relationships. That she is super lovely, yet not the type i am looking for. Wishing her the very best. I am going to break up with her. For God's sake don't say that. That's cringy and judgmental and it WILL. NOT. go over well. 1
Author AskIt Posted November 20, 2019 Author Posted November 20, 2019 But i still dont get it. Why do you guys think that telling her the truth about her family, which is hard and very not nice to hear from someone you love, is better than just saying the general staff that i suggested? I mean... Thats okay if someone tells you that you are lovely but not his type. Whereas hearing that your family is impulsive and lazy, and the main cause for someone you love to break up with you, thats much more annoying and frustrating. Doesnt it?
healing light Posted November 20, 2019 Posted November 20, 2019 So much worse to say the stuff you want to say by pinning it on her. Makes it sound like it was something that could have been in her control, like she just wasn't good enough for you and needed to try harder or was too inexperienced when none of that is true at all. It could have her scratching her head for a long time unable to move on thinking she isn't enough and she could have changed things when really she can't. You're just making a judgment call based on her family. Take responsibility for the breakup and let her know you don't think you're a match based on concerns you have about her relatives in the future so she knows it's not on her. Then she can also decide what she thinks of the truth. And, btw, much better to have go-with-the-flow extended family that may be poor than ones that try to interfere and control too much.
kendahke Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 But i still dont get it. Why do you guys think that telling her the truth about her family, which is hard and very not nice to hear from someone you love, is better than just saying the general staff that i suggested? I mean... Thats okay if someone tells you that you are lovely but not his type. Whereas hearing that your family is impulsive and lazy, and the main cause for someone you love to break up with you, thats much more annoying and frustrating. Doesnt it? Then do it and see what happens... if right is so on your side, you should fear nothing or no one. but she may not "walk it off" as quickly as you think she should... and that can turn to resentment. I don't think your girlfriend is as clueless as you think she is about who her family is. She has far more history with them than you do. You'd be wise to stay in your lane on this one. Remember: blood is thicker than water. She's entitled to her relationship with them if that's what she chooses. If that wasn't so on, you would have already done it and not needed our input.
basil67 Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 But i still dont get it. Why do you guys think that telling her the truth about her family, which is hard and very not nice to hear from someone you love, is better than just saying the general staff that i suggested? You tell her for exactly the reasons why you don't want to. Because it's hard for you and not nice for her. But it WILL help her get over you quickly. It's a heck of a lot easier to get over someone who's shown their true colours than someone who gives a BS excuse. 1
Els Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 Lets be honest, LOTS of happily married couples aren't particularly fond of their in-laws or even their own family. H and I are one of them. We don't get to choose who we are born to, so personally I think it's pretty stupid to not marry someone you love because of something they can't change (their parents), unless that person is unwilling or unable to set appropriate boundaries with their parents. 1
BaileyB Posted November 21, 2019 Posted November 21, 2019 Lets be honest, LOTS of happily married couples aren't particularly fond of their in-laws or even their own family. H and I are one of them. We don't get to choose who we are born to, so personally I think it's pretty stupid to not marry someone you love because of something they can't change (their parents), unless that person is unwilling or unable to set appropriate boundaries with their parents. I could not agree more. I could see it, if the family was interfering in the relationship or if there was mental illness, criminal behavior, etc... and your partner was unable to set healthy boundaries with their family. But otherwise, it seems a total shame to end a relationship with a girl that you really like because you disapprove of her family. If you do breakup with her, do not let her believe that it has anything to do with her, anything she did, or because of her inexperience. Be honest - if this is how you feel, own it. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted November 23, 2019 Posted November 23, 2019 This topic kinda depends on the individual and their own family dynamic.. Heck some people barely even call or check in on their own parents, even elderly...Its a friggin disgrace if you ask me...Anyway, for those people it wouldn't matter if their in laws were the Addams Family... But then there are those(myself included) where family is vital..And if you cant get along with the SO family, it WILL create big problems for your relationship...I would say for some of these people, if they are smart, they would ditch that person...It probably wont be worth the aggravation, I know that sounds kinda cruel, but that's the reality...It will be a life time of resentment and problems otherwise... .02 TFY
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 23, 2019 Posted November 23, 2019 The truth is always the best way. Especially when you love someone. To tell her it's something about her will be very hurtful because it could make her feel insecure about herself. It also may make her feel you believe you can find a better person than she is, which would be very painful to her. You don't have to tell her that her family is impulsive and lazy. You can tell her you feel you're too Type A (too active, since you think her family is lazy). Pin it on yourself, because that's where the problem lies, anyway. It's YOU, you can't adjust to her family. In fact, you can just tell her you can't adjust to them. If she asks why, just tell her you have issues of your own that are complex. Because is seems to me that's closer to the truth anyway. 1
todreaminblue Posted November 23, 2019 Posted November 23, 2019 (edited) The truth is always the best way. Especially when you love someone. To tell her it's something about her will be very hurtful because it could make her feel insecure about herself. It also may make her feel you believe you can find a better person than she is, which would be very painful to her. You don't have to tell her that her family is impulsive and lazy. You can tell her you feel you're too Type A (too active, since you think her family is lazy). Pin it on yourself, because that's where the problem lies, anyway. It's YOU, you can't adjust to her family. In fact, you can just tell her you can't adjust to them. If she asks why, just tell her you have issues of your own that are complex. Because is seems to me that's closer to the truth anyway. this to a t...... its your issue not hers put it on you..its you dont like her family not her family dont like you... be kind when you break up with her..thoughtful; but firm.......dont destroy this generous spirit you are with by telling her derogatory things about her or her family....that will put her down....put yourself down if anything.,....its what i would do.... to tell the truth....if i were to marry someone or settle down with someone....i would take the person for who they are not who their family are..but it affects you obviously so be kind when you let her go.....so she can find someone who loves her for who she is and accepts her family because she is who she is...her parents must have done something really good hey to have her as a daughter....a kind sweet spirit....let her go she isnt your person.....you have as your heading youare incredibly in love with her... i dont believe you are "incredibly" in love.......not wanting to hurt her...doesnt mean you are in love with her...it just means you recognise she is a special soul and that you are going to hurt her.....that isnt love...its your conscience...so leave the guilt and do whats right.......for her and for your own happiness.... .......i wish you well...deb Edited November 23, 2019 by todreaminblue
Els Posted November 23, 2019 Posted November 23, 2019 This topic kinda depends on the individual and their own family dynamic.. Heck some people barely even call or check in on their own parents, even elderly...Its a friggin disgrace if you ask me...Anyway, for those people it wouldn't matter if their in laws were the Addams Family... It's entirely possible to "do your duty" by your parents or in laws without liking it. I mean, as adults most people have obligations that they aren't terribly fond of - we just do them anyway and get on with it, that's just life. Frankly I thought this was normal, at least in my culture - I don't know very many people who LIKE calling their parents as often as they do, they just do it because they feel they should.
FMW Posted November 23, 2019 Posted November 23, 2019 I will just tell her that i love her, but something is missing. Maybe due to her lack of experience in relationships. That she is super lovely, yet not the type i am looking for. ( Please, do NOT say this to her. Here's what she'll hear: Something is missing = something is lacking in her Her lack of experience = something is lacking in her Not the type I'm looking for = something is lacking in her What you posted does not agree with your proposed reasons. If you tell her those things she will feel insecure about herself and carry that forward to her next relationship. Telling her you find her family unacceptable is not something she'll like, but it won't leave her wondering what is wrong with her personally. It might even make her a little angry that you are dissing her family and make it easier for her to move on.
thefooloftheyear Posted November 23, 2019 Posted November 23, 2019 It's entirely possible to "do your duty" by your parents or in laws without liking it. I mean, as adults most people have obligations that they aren't terribly fond of - we just do them anyway and get on with it, that's just life. Frankly I thought this was normal, at least in my culture - I don't know very many people who LIKE calling their parents as often as they do, they just do it because they feel they should. I dunno….Kinda glad I am not part of your culture, and I doubt the majority of people in your culture dislike reaching out to parents, family, etc..But I could be wrong I guess.. Seems completely absurd, if you ask me...I LOVE calling and visiting(and now caring for) my mom and even my relatives...We are close and its NEVER considered an obligation that is only done out of duty....Like I said...seems absurd...And quite frankly, I wouldn't want my kid to call or visit if they disliked it and only did so to "get it over with'.....Just don't bother at that point, really... But OP or anyone else...You absolutely need to have this ironed out in most cases....Holidays and other events become a nightmare and if you have kids, you WILL have to be pretty heavily involved with the in laws...If its miserable, it will make life very hard... TFY 2
elaine567 Posted November 23, 2019 Posted November 23, 2019 I don't think you should tell her you find her family unacceptable as she cannot change her family. What can she do with that info? Disown her family, stop speaking to them in case future bfs discard her due to her "bad" family? Do not mention her inexperience either. Don't tell her you love her, that gives her false hope. Tell her you do not think you are compatible long term and leave it there. 1
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