AskIt Posted November 15, 2019 Posted November 15, 2019 we are dating for 2-3 months now. she is 19, i am 25. i am her first boyfriend, and she is my third. she is such an amazing and sensitive girl, full of love and empathy, adorable. i cannot stop hugging her and kissing her cheeks and lips. i want all the best for her, and equally she does for me. i love who she is and we are having a wonderful time together. haven't had a fight never, not even a small one! we have a very good connection and i am very glad of it. the problem is that i have lately met her family and... i simply don't like them. at all. they are very different from her. i really don't care continue the relationship with her since for now she is just my girlfriend so family is not that involved. i wish it would be the best option, but i have one big fear regarding it- what if it will work out between us, and we will not breakup for years? i mean, i absolutely don't see myself marring with her considering that family. breaking up with her at that point before marriage, in a few years from now- will be so so harmful and deceiving! i am super sad writing it but.. i'm afraid it would be better to break up with her now, before its too late... how can i do that though?! she will be so shocked and hurt! i cannot be responsible of making this sweet puppy cry, not in front of me, because of me!! what should i do? what should i tell her? how? thank you very much
preraph Posted November 15, 2019 Posted November 15, 2019 No, you can't do it if you have that type of intention. You have to just tell her why and break up. She's too young to try to be settled down with anyway. She's still a teenager. She's got her whole 20s to explore and date around before she wants to settle down. And she has to become her own person during that time and get away from family influence if it's that bad. What's wrong with them? 1
GorillaTheater Posted November 15, 2019 Posted November 15, 2019 What's wrong with them? You'd think that it would have to be something fairly serious. I've successfully ignored my moderately disagreeable in-laws for decades. 3
Author AskIt Posted November 16, 2019 Author Posted November 16, 2019 Answering to both of you: There are many thing that bother me regarding her family.. one of them is that they are impulsive people, dont think much, flow, in-the-moment people. The other thing is that they are lazy. Not hard workers (not talking necessarily only on work-job), and very neglected figuras (fisicly) from what i have seen. It is very disappointing. What can i tell her then? I am looking for an excuse since telling her the above (or anything) about her family sound much more insaulting then saying something about herself. Maybe i can say that i feel she is not mature enough for me, and that the age gap is too much for me. Thats the only excuse i came out with, after thinking quite a lot...
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 I'd tell her that because she is so delightful you can imagine you will find your emotions for her growing and may want to be with her longterm, yet you know you won't fit in with her family. So that you can't continue on. Then, also, remind her of her age and that she has many years of discovering life ahead of her before she should become serious. 1
basil67 Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 Wow. I was expecting you to say that they are nasty to you. Look they may be all those things, but you are also very judgemental in return. If their daughter makes good life choices, I can't see why this would be a deal breaker. Of course it is your right to end a relationship for whatever reason you want, but she will be so hurt about the reason. 1
scooby-philly Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 OP Tell her the truth. Tell her the age gap is a problem and that you cant see marrying her because of her family and list specific reasons why. Tell her its ot her fault and that if she wants to still be friends you can be there for her when she need you as she tries to grow. It may be tough but in the long run...hopefully sh would respect and admire your decision. 1
RecentChange Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 You'd think that it would have to be something fairly serious. I've successfully ignored my moderately disagreeable in-laws for decades. Mine are HIGHLY disagreeable. The type of people that their neighbors often call the cops on because they are so absolutely off their rockers. Legal trouble, financial trouble you name it. Yet - I have successfully dodged them for the most part, and my husband is sensitive and loving and not the bat $h√¢ crazy person his mother is. His two siblings seemed to have "escaped" as well, and are stable, caring, productive members of society. That said.... None of us (husband and I - nor his siblings who also have partners) have kids. If your goal is a big family with lots of extend family involvement - she might not be the girl for you. 1
h0000 Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 Ok cut to the core Are you saying the family is poor because they are lazy and don’t know how to manage money and you worry she may inherit some of the traits too 1
d0nnivain Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 Whoa. Slow down. You are her 1st BF. She is 19. You have been dating for a mere 90 days. Of course everything is lovely & perfect & there are no fights. You are just getting started. You actually have no basis to assess long term compatibility Any talk of forever & marriage is wholly inappropriate & ridiculous at this very early stage. You barely know her. You certainly don't know her family nor can you determine how things will be in several years when marriage would be a realistic consideration. However since you already have these doubts & you are running miles ahead of yourself go ahead & break up with her. You have unrealistic expectations about how relationships work. You are a dreamer in love with love. It's not healthy so spare her the drama & end things now before she gets attached & realizes that you have no long term staying power. 1
Tamfana Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 What can i tell her then? I am looking for an excuse since telling her the above (or anything) about her family sound much more insaulting then saying something about herself. Maybe i can say that i feel she is not mature enough for me, and that the age gap is too much for me. Thats the only excuse i came out with, after thinking quite a lot... No, if you choose to lie, take the blame yourself. Don't find a way to insult her. Instead, tell her that her family isn't acceptable to you. That's not insulting to her or her family, in my opinion. 1
alphamale Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 when you marry someone you also marry their extended family. heed the warning 1
elaine567 Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 He is 25, he is already considering marriage and settling down in the next few years, he thus has to filter out the women who do not meet his criteria. This girl is great but her family are not one he respects and as he will have to put up with family gatherings and take on board their opinions on raising his kids, then he feels he needs to pass, before he gets too attached and deeper "in love". She is also too young to make a wife of, she will want to sow wild oats and explore the world in the next few years, not settle down. Maybe fine in days gone by, but modern women need "more" than to hitch themselves to the kitchen sink with a bundle of kids in their twenties. Too many people just go with the flow, go where their emotions take them and realise often too late that practically it is a complete disaster. The OP is thinking with his head to try to avoid that.
BaileyB Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 I was really expecting that they hurt kittens or tell her that you are not good enough for her. I’m not sure that the fact that they go with the flow and/or are lazy should actually affect your relationship all that much. My boyfriends family are far from perfect - his brother is a bit of a jerk and his mother was a negligent, difficult mother. They live about a two hour plane ride from us and we get along just fine. Sure, when you marry someone, you marry their family. But, I’m not sure that I would pass up the opportunity to be with the person I love because her family is lazy. There was ways to manage family relationships and at the end of the day, a person is not their family. 3
Happy Lemming Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 when you marry someone you also marry their extended family. heed the warning 100% Agree... In my youth, I met this fantastic woman. Everything was perfect, except for her bat s**t crazy family. OMG, the stuff they did, I couldn't make this crap up. And then my girlfriend would go over to the house and try to fix things, etc. It was a complete and total mess. I saw the writing on the wall and jumped ship. No way did I want to be associated with that circus of a family. 2
BaileyB Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 Well, there is codependent bat-**** crazy and then there is “they are lazy people and I don’t like their lifestyle.” One is dealbreaker and the other, may not be. I think the bigger issue here is that she is 19 years old and this her first relationship. Not saying that she couldn’t marry and have a wonderful life with the first man she dates but the odds of that happening are probably pretty slim. 3
preraph Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 This sounds like a money thing. Are you holding out to marry someone whose family has money? Is the girl ambitious and working and going places? 1
ajequals Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 do what I did. marry her and the next day move 1000 miles away. worked for me for 20 years. lol 1
dangerous Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 I never really got on with my ex-wife's family for 20 years, and I was right: they were selfish and bitter to her as well as me. ultimately my wife was rejected by them as well as them rejecting me. Another ex-GF who I was with for 3 years: her sons were bad, they took advantage of her good nature and were liars. Unfortunately she was always loyal to them (naturally) and blind in the belief they'd change. I think it was significant in our break up that: 1) I really didn't want her family in MY life 2) I didn't respect my GF for going back to them again and again. Clearly she has guilt issues/misguided responsibility for them but that was a toxic ingredient for our relationship. If you can't accept her family move on.
Calmandfocused Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 Splitting up with your girlfriend isn’t necessary because of a reason such as this You don’t have to like her family. But you do have to be able to tolerate them, respect them, and accept that they are a valuable and important part of your girlfriend’s life. Can you do that? If so, you’ve got nothing to worry about.
h0000 Posted November 18, 2019 Posted November 18, 2019 I dont think it;s about tolerance. My guess is they are poor and OP worries he may be to help out in the future, which is a valid concern
Author AskIt Posted November 18, 2019 Author Posted November 18, 2019 Thanks a lot you guys..! I will just tell her that i love her, but something is missing. Maybe due to her lack of experience in relationships. That she is super lovely, yet not the type i am looking for. Wishing her the very best. I am going to break up with her.
vla1120 Posted November 18, 2019 Posted November 18, 2019 Thanks a lot you guys..! I will just tell her that i love her, but something is missing. Maybe due to her lack of experience in relationships. That she is super lovely, yet not the type i am looking for. Wishing her the very best. I am going to break up with her. Again, DON'T put the blame on HER when you break up with her (by saying it's due to her lack in relationships!) Take responsibility for your decision and tell her the truth! 2
kendahke Posted November 18, 2019 Posted November 18, 2019 I'd tell her the truth that her parents aren't acceptable to you and then leave her alone to find a less judgmental person. Just remember: these people you're looking down your nose at are the very same people who reared her to be who she is, so they can't be all that bad. 2
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