5 months post BU

[toomuchregret]

hi guys i just need to vent a little and ask for some advice.

So we met trough a mutual friend when I was 22(M) and she was 17(F)

Start of our relationship was rough , she had overprotective parents so we were not able to see each other much and also she was under stress because of them and school and lost like 10kgs and was frale, sickly etc. We managed to get past all that. Later she gained weight back and was in full health and happy and her parents knew about me and we were able to see each other all the time and she could spend nights at my place. But it took us around 1.5 years to get things good.

 

Then we enjoyed our relationship for next 2 years. After those 2 years things started falling apart. We were driftng apart , spark was gone . We were more like friends to each other. She kept saying Im pushing her away and Im cold towards her. Which is true , I was but not because I didnt love her it was just because I took our realtionship for granted (she is my first LTR and first girl I loved with all my heart) and didnt know Im taking it for granted. I did lots of first LTR mistakes but so did she. No she wasnt perfect nor am I but we were great together.

 

We did talk about it and I did try harder and make her feel special but it was too late. Even though I believe she still loved me(at least she told me that) she broke up with me saying she cant be without me but cant be with me anymore. We tried talking for 3 days after breakup but it just kept hurting both of us and we went NC. She still had our pics up on facebook etc. So I gave her around 4 weeks of space and contacted her (her friend came to me and said she misses me and didnt want to end the realtionship and that I should contact her ) but she didnt respond. She read the msg but didnt respond.

 

Long story short i tried one more time 2 weeks after that. I sent her a long msg apologised etc and asked if she wants to grab a coffee or something to talk. No response. And she said something along the lines of : "you can tell him he can forget i exist , Id rather stay single for the rest of my life then go trough that again" to my friend who then showed me the msg.And after that I blocked her on everything , deleted all our pics, threw away everything from her and decided to go full NC because I knew she will start dating soon and I didnt need that pain.

 

She is really beautiful and a hot girl and also she felt unhappy and alone in relationship and also I know she is a weak person who cant be alone (she even admitted that herself)And yes i was right like a week after i sent the message I saw her with a new guy (no she didnt go behind my back and cheat , she met him while being out in the club with her girlfriends) and even though i expected it It hurt a lot but I ignored that and didnt break NC or anything.

 

After BU I realised my mistakes and what I need to fix on myself. I also started working out a bit, started cycling, reconnected with some old friends. Its been 5 months after BU and 3.5 months of NC and I do feel a bit better. I still love and miss her but I wont be breaking NC ever even though it was mostly my fault for breakup. I wish her happines and all the best in life.

 

Now the problem is Im not over her Not even close. I do talk to other girls and I met some new people/friends. I even set up a date with a girl my age. (27) but I still dont feel like Im gonna forget about her or even get over her. I like my progress and I feel better about myself. But I dont feel good about dating or giving myself fully to realtionship ever again. I dont know what to do. Should I just give up or force myself to casually date or what to do. Things are looking a bit better but Im still lost.

 

Ty for reading

[Piddy]

Some people you may never get over. Trust me on that. New feelings and life experiences will help cover it up though.

 

My experience tells me you should start dating and hopefully fine someone else. Then you can apply what you've learned from this past relationship. I was never the casual dating type. Always was looking for a connection and hopefully work towards a relationship.

 

Sounds like she was too young when you met her and she needs to experience more of life. She could come back someday, but I wouldn't sit around waiting for that to happen.

 

Easier said than done I know , but time to move on.

[toomuchregret]

Some people you may never get over. Trust me on that. New feelings and life experiences will help cover it up though.

 

My experience tells me you should start dating and hopefully fine someone else. Then you can apply what you've learned from this past relationship. I was never the casual dating type. Always was looking for a connection and hopefully work towards a relationship.

 

Sounds like she was too young when you met her and she needs to experience more of life. She could come back someday, but I wouldn't sit around waiting for that to happen.

 

Easier said than done I know , but time to move on.

 

 

Yes , I get what youre saying and I know I need to move on but Im on here because I dont know how and what else to do. I already did everything I read online and some things I did on my own. I blocked her on everything, Not stalking or looking at her profiles anywhere. Dont ask about her or talk about her.Deleted all of our pics and got rid of all memorabilia.So pretty much got rid of her traces in my life. I do see her sometimes on saturday nights outside in the club ( We both live in small towns(read village) and go out to this bigger town to dance have fun with friends etc) . And I see her there maybe once a month, we say hi to each others friends but just ignore each other.(not even a hi)

 

So yeah Im keeping busy, got new hobbies, talk to my family and friends a lot , hang out and even started talking to other girls and working on trying to date. But even though it helps a bit , its just not enough. Pain is still here and it still hurts a lot.

[Piddy]

Yes , I get what youre saying and I know I need to move on but Im on here because I dont know how and what else to do. I already did everything I read online and some things I did on my own. I blocked her on everything, Not stalking or looking at her profiles anywhere. Dont ask about her or talk about her.Deleted all of our pics and got rid of all memorabilia.So pretty much got rid of her traces in my life. I do see her sometimes on saturday nights outside in the club ( We both live in small towns(read village) and go out to this bigger town to dance have fun with friends etc) . And I see her there maybe once a month, we say hi to each others friends but just ignore each other.(not even a hi)

 

So yeah Im keeping busy, got new hobbies, talk to my family and friends a lot , hang out and even started talking to other girls and working on trying to date. But even though it helps a bit , its just not enough. Pain is still here and it still hurts a lot.

 

I've been thru what you're going thru (a lot of people have). It was a long, long, time ago and we lived together and one night she never came home. Time will help heal, but what helped me was getting back out there and finding someone else.

 

I got into a relationship 3 months after and that made me forget all about her. The new relationship only lasted 5 months, but it ended amicably with no one being hurt. And I was onto the next one. That one last 5 months as well, but ended fine as well with no one getting hurt.

 

Then about a year later I hit the jackpot and 41 years later we're still together.

 

Again, the only way you'll truly forget about her is to find someone else. Just speaking of my own experience and it worked for me, but everyone is different.

 

Oh, and 40 years from now if you get curious on how she ended up in life, don't Google her. Trust me on this, don't open up Pandora's box.

 

Good Luck.

Edited November 14, 2019 by Piddy

[toomuchregret]

I've been thru what you're going thru (a lot of people have). It was a long, long, time ago and we lived together and one night she never came home. Time will help heal, but what helped me was getting back out there and finding someone else.

 

I got into a relationship 3 months after and that made me forget all about her. The new relationship only lasted 5 months, but it ended amicably with no one being hurt. And I was onto the next one. That one last 5 months as well, but ended fine as well with no one getting hurt.

 

Then about a year later I hit the jackpot and 41 years later we're still together.

 

Again, the only way you'll truly forget about her is to find someone else. Just speaking of my own experience and it worked for me, but everyone is different.

 

Oh, and 40 years from now if you get curious on how she ended up in life, don't Google her. Trust me on this, don't open up Pandora's box.

 

Good Luck.

 

 

I dont know really. As I said she wasnt perfect, (no one is) but she was great. I was happy to attract someone like her and I dont think I will ever date anyone as good or better than her. She is everything I wanted in a girl and it all went to crap. And I dont wanna settle for mediocre girl after her, I never could anymore. She really did set up some high standards.

[Silver_star]

I dont know really. As I said she wasnt perfect, (no one is) but she was great. I was happy to attract someone like her and I dont think I will ever date anyone as good or better than her. She is everything I wanted in a girl and it all went to crap. And I dont wanna settle for mediocre girl after her, I never could anymore. She really did set up some high standards.

 

It's hard when the relationship did not end because of cheating or something that made you strongly dislike the other, however, the relationship was not working..that much is clear. If it was working you would still be happily together. It takes two. You were both young and have some things to learn from the relationship.

 

Everyone always thinks they are never going to find someone "That amazing" again, or be able to feel love again, but trust me if you had the capacity to love her that strongly then that capacity still exists within you...all you need is time and in that time you need to reconnect to yourself and who you are without her.

You are still healing. It will take more than 5 months, don't be so hard on yourself.

[toomuchregret]

It's hard when the relationship did not end because of cheating or something that made you strongly dislike the other, however, the relationship was not working..that much is clear. If it was working you would still be happily together. It takes two. You were both young and have some things to learn from the relationship.

 

Everyone always thinks they are never going to find someone "That amazing" again, or be able to feel love again, but trust me if you had the capacity to love her that strongly then that capacity still exists within you...all you need is time and in that time you need to reconnect to yourself and who you are without her.

You are still healing. It will take more than 5 months, don't be so hard on yourself.

 

So basically what you guys are saying is only thing that can help me is time and to find someone else. Yeah that sux. Im not the most desirable guy out there so I cant really find someone new that easily.(especially not a beautiful and smart girl). I cant help but think this was my only shot of finding someone good and I blew it hard time.

[Silver_star]

Yep...it works that way for me, and it works that way for you, and everyone that goes through heartbreak.

 

Time, and a better attitude about yourself and what you deserve. You calling yourself "undesirable" will not help you to attract desirable people. You can put her off the pedestal you have put her on.

You don't have to think she was a horrible person...but understand the ways in which she was not the best match for you at this time in your life can help. If it was working out so amazing with her then this would not have happened. Own your own faults, and understand hers as well.

Time will help with that.

[Twizzlestick]

Waffle waffle post of mine - far TL/DR - early days for you, you’re on a moving road to improving (as time waits for no one) but naturally can’t see it.

 

 

...Hey OP. You’re not alone with those that completely understand what you mean. 5 months is still early days. I was all over the shop at 5 months.

 

I was dumped after 11 years last Dec. 10 months of NC. I’m a lot better but not over it.

 

I’ve accepted I’ll probably never be over it,in the sense it’ll not jar or cause any pain whatsoever if I think on it, rather come to terms eventually. Like the mind gets a grip and can manage it, in a box somewhere, buried. Sometimes I crash and am right back at the beginning, then a week or so later I’m fine. I can sense it coming as thoughts start increasing and the ruminating starts. Then I know I’m in for a spell of it coming back and the loss hitting again. Then my mind packs it all up again, somehow.

 

I think as life goes on the mileage under the wheels will help. I’ve known someone come out of twenty year marriage utterly heartbroken yet years on they’ve met someone else and aren’t consumed by loss. It won’t always feel “like this” I firmly believe. I think the real estate in the mind this event dominates, diminishes with proper time.

 

Basically it is time itself, other events in life are ancillaries that help. I think genuinely ticking along does it. You can do alsorts of self improvement things and that is helpful in the early days but it’s not the only thing that’ll help. In a good sense if you even did nothing but sat on your bum it will get better, just perhaps take longer to improve. Whether you like it or not you won’t stay stagnant, you have no choice as the march of time is relentless and with it your mind will change how that event affects you. So take solace from that.

 

You won’t be locked in the same feelings, anymore than you don’t spend every day feeling the exact same moments as the day it was ended. Already that has changed. So there is improvement happening under you feet. It often feels to me like a few steps forward then a few back and so forth.

[toomuchregret]

Thank you guys for trying to help me out here. I appreciate it.

 

Problem with me is that I even though Im slowly getting better Im still having way too many bad days. Days where I feel like **** , a garbage, worst human being ever.

When she broke up with me she blamed me for everything and that **** ****ing sticks. I cant get rid of self blame. Its less than it was but its still here. I still blame myself for not trying more, for not showing her enough that I love her etc.

 

Also Im still struggling and coping on how could she move on so fast . Only after a month she already had a new guy and posting pics with him online. That hit me hard.

 

I mean some days Im okay with it and realise that breakup was for the best and I dont hope nor I want her back in my life and other days I blame myself and wish more than anything that I didnt lose her.

[thecrucible]

I know how you feel about the guilt. I feel like that as well as I just broke up with someone too and I have bad days. Anyway enough about me.

 

It seems like she moved on so fast but that might not be the case e.g. it could be a rebound relationship. However whether it is or not, she is with someone else so in that case, seems productive to put your energy towards self-improvement. If one day she is single again, she'll see a new you but if she's totally lost interest, you'll still have achieved something by prioritising you now.

 

I also see what some here are saying about feeling better with someone else but if there's feelings and it doesn't seem right to go and date, then don't do it. It's okay to tell yourself that you aren't ready. But what you can do is fill your calendar up as much as you can and focus on work/career. We also process things at different rates so try not to put yourself under pressure.

 

Maybe your brain is focussed on all blame-y stuff because you're working through your feelings and given time, you'll recall the things she did wrong too and that will give you a more balanced perspective. I'm rooting for you and I know how hard it is and how you must be feeling. Perhaps you could write a letter of apology without sending it but just get your thoughts down on paper?

[toomuchregret]

I know how you feel about the guilt. I feel like that as well as I just broke up with someone too and I have bad days. Anyway enough about me.

 

It seems like she moved on so fast but that might not be the case e.g. it could be a rebound relationship. However whether it is or not, she is with someone else so in that case, seems productive to put your energy towards self-improvement. If one day she is single again, she'll see a new you but if she's totally lost interest, you'll still have achieved something by prioritising you now.

 

I also see what some here are saying about feeling better with someone else but if there's feelings and it doesn't seem right to go and date, then don't do it. It's okay to tell yourself that you aren't ready. But what you can do is fill your calendar up as much as you can and focus on work/career. We also process things at different rates so try not to put yourself under pressure.

 

Maybe your brain is focussed on all blame-y stuff because you're working through your feelings and given time, you'll recall the things she did wrong too and that will give you a more balanced perspective. I'm rooting for you and I know how hard it is and how you must be feeling. Perhaps you could write a letter of apology without sending it but just get your thoughts down on paper?

 

Hi thank you. Problem is I dont know if Im ready or not. Some days I think I would have no problem with being with a new girl and some days I know Im not ready yet. I feel like I would use the new girl to get over my ex. I mean I feel it deep down inside that Im not over yet and that I wouldnt give my all in a new relationship. I already know it would be a rebound but then Im thinking maybe I should try it.

 

Now of course I dont wanna hurt or pretend with a new girl that Im over my ex and Im fully commited to her . That would be a lie. Im thinking more of trying to find someone who wouldnt mind just casually dating me if you know what I mean. Some kind of a physical relationship only so I can move on easier.

 

Also as I said I feel guilty and sorry that I lost her but I dont think I would be able to accept her back into my life.Getting over her dating a new guy only a month after she left is something I dont think I could ever do. At least not in the near future.

 

About writing a letter, yeah... I already did that. Problem is I made a mistake. I wrote her an apology and said that Im ok with her decision etc around month and 2 weeks after BU. I wish I didnt because she was already seeing the new guy. Maybe writing a new one with current feelings might help.(ofc I wouldnt send it to her) I could at least try.

 

Also day by day Im getting used to being single and Im slowly being happier. BUT.... I still miss her like crazy. Im not exactly sure If I miss her as a person or just a relationship and companionship/friendhsip. I dont know if it will ever pass or Im gonna start feeling better only when I start dating again.

Edited November 23, 2019 by toomuchregret

[OpenBook]

Also day by day Im getting used to being single and Im slowly being happier. BUT.... I still miss her like crazy. Im not exactly sure If I miss her as a person or just a relationship and companionship/friendhsip. I dont know if it will ever pass or Im gonna start feeling better only when I start dating again.

 

You don't know if you're going to start feeling better only when you start dating again? We don't know that either!

 

You don't know if it will ever pass? Yes it will, in time like others have said.

 

I think you're doing all the right things. Just keep moving! Keep going. Time is your best friend right now. It's too painful and fresh right now for you to look at the whole thing objectively. You need more time under your belt to be able to do that. So any conclusions you might come to right now about what you did wrong, what she did wrong, where the relationship went wrong, why it happened, how attractive you are, etc. - take those conclusions with a HUGE grain of salt because THEY ARE NOT ACCURATE. Never a good idea to make major decisions/reach conclusions when your emotions are all jumbled up like they are now. The more and more distance (which time provides) that you put between yourself and this situation, the more likely you will be able to assess it (and resolve it in your mind) for what it is.

[thecrucible]

I know how you feel. I also mix my ex a lot but I'm a couple of months behind you in the break up. And yes it's really hard. It takes time to get a place where it feels less raw...and if you really love them, then it really sucks!

 

As for dating, do what you think is best for you. But go in with eyes wide open. You're not really gonna know if it feels right until you do it. You've just got to try these things and see. For me, I dipped my toe in the water recently but now pulled back 'cause I found I wasn't ready...so I'm just going to try again when I feel more positive.

 

Find people you know you can talk to when it gets hard. I had a really good chat with a friend last night and it was the first time I've opened up about it for ages...it really helped.

[toomuchregret]

 

I think you're doing all the right things. Just keep moving! Keep going. Time is your best friend right now..

 

Thank you. I dont know if Im doing all the right things. It just doesnt seem enough no matter what I do. It still ****ing hurts too much after 5 months to be so easily replaced like that. Like I meant nothing to her all these years.

 

I just hope this will pass but Im afraid its gonna take too long and I dont wanna waste my time on someone who doesnt give a **** about me and decided Im no good.

 

As I said even though Im 27 I met her when I was 22. Before her i had only 3 girlfriends (longest was 9 months) and I didnt feel ANYTHING with those girls.

I started to think Im not capable of loving. And since she was first gf I loved with everything I had ofc I did many mistakes. (taking for granted ,fear of losing etc) because I had no experience with love before.

Thats why it hurts so much. This is the first time my heart got broken. (I know it sounds silly because Im 27 already haha )

 

At least now I know Im capable of loving someone but Im scared I never will anymore.

I was never raised to show emotions (no hugs in my family, no saying I love you etc. ) Dont get me wrong my family is great and they provided me with everything they could but I never learned to express emotions.

Problem is ,as I think I said earlier, Im getting better but Im going back to being defensive and Im scared I wont be able to open myself again to anyone.

 

Thank you for bearing here with me , I know its not easy

Edited November 26, 2019 by toomuchregret