AP2045 Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 I wanted to see if anyone had advice for stopping this terrible habit of getting too excited too soon? Stopping the stress of overly analyzing any change in demeanor, or blaming oneself for “ruining” things if it happens to not work out? Basically I started talking to a guy going on 2 months now. It started off very friendly, no flirting no one made moves (very unlike my fast pace) Little by little we flirted and have hung out, now we’ve spent the past 2 weekends together. We’ve slept together, he told me he isn’t usually interested in spending time with the people he sleeps with, he has not seen anyone for a few months now, he’s never been in a long term relationship, he gets bored after a few months but he has said he’s interested in me. I found out from one of his roommates that he “cares” about me. He’s invited me to tag along to many work functions and has invited me to many future events and asks to hang out frequently. However after this second long weekend together I see a decrease in the frequency of texting and convo content. Every little negative thing I automatically assume is because we spent a second weekend together and might have been “too much” for him... How in the hell do I calm myself and just enjoy this for what is it? I so desperately want this to turn into something yet I’m expecting the worst and him to get uninterested. Driving myself nuts!
vla1120 Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 Take a deep breath! Go about your daily activities and keep yourself busy with your life. As far as the texting thing, I'll let someone closer to your age answer that one. I would say don't text him, and don't immediately answer when he texts you. (My daughters have very strict rules about texting frequency, when to answer, etc., and I just don't get it....) Most importantly, I think, is to go about your life and keep your mind focused on other things so you don't become obsessed, which might cause the "race horse" issues you've had. YOU should be the center of your attention, not him. Also, I know it's hard not to read into every little move he makes (or does not make), but try not to do that to yourself! I don't think guys spend much time trying to strategize their every move (like we do....)
d0nnivain Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 Oh heavens. First to calm your own anxiety you need to engage in good self talk. Mostly calm down & let the other person come to you. Alas I fear this won't "turn into something." You have been talking to this guy & hanging out but you have had sex. First mistake. A guy like this who point blank tells you he gets bored after a few months will usually not be lured into sticking around for a relationship just because there is sex. You haven't even been on a proper date called a date. Hanging out is usually a downgrade. It's FWB at best. You want to turn a guy like that into a long term partner, your best bet is to be a challenge: intellectually, emotionally & sexually. You are none of those & I fear he will up & disappear on you sooner then you will like I'm all about a woman owning her own sexuality & making the choices she wants based on her own pleasure. But that is not what I see you doing here. I see you acting from a place of fear, weakness & scarcity. 5
preraph Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 He's already warned you he gets bored and moves on quickly. The only thing you can do here is NOT pursue him and see if he wants to see you bad enough to contact you and make a date. Don't do hookups with him. Have a standard and see if he even has any interest in anything besides hooking up. 1
basil67 Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 We’ve slept together, he told me he isn’t usually interested in spending time with the people he sleeps with, he has not seen anyone for a few months now, he’s never been in a long term relationship, he gets bored after a few months but he has said he’s interested in me. Oh yuck. Huge huge red flags here. Despite the fact that he's spending a bit of time with you now, there's no reason to assume he won't get bored with you too. He is NOT relationship material. Judge a person not by how they treat you, but by how they treat others in their lives....because it's only a matter of time before they treat you the same way. Make sure to remind yourself that this will be short term and simply enjoy it for what it is. 1
Author AP2045 Posted November 13, 2019 Author Posted November 13, 2019 I appreciate the feedback! I should have probably mentioned I do internalize all this. He probably thinks I’m a damn cucumber because I don’t show how eager I am. We do more than just sleep together when we do see each other. Lots of outdoor activities, spending time with his roommates, job events, we did a road trip. Most of which he initiates the plans first. Which is all fine and dandy until I get too wrapped up in all that!
Tamfana Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 How in the hell do I calm myself and just enjoy this for what is it? I so desperately want this to turn into something yet I’m expecting the worst and him to get uninterested. Driving myself nuts! Be in the moment. Easier said than done, but it's the best way to detach from outcome and enjoy. As in the book metaphor, don't decide you love a book by the cover, or even the first few pages. Try to enjoy reading.
stillafool Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 Is it before or after you have sex with guys that you get anxious?
Author AP2045 Posted November 14, 2019 Author Posted November 14, 2019 Is it before or after you have sex with guys that you get anxious? It honestly doesn’t have anything to do with the sex. It’s more of, when a “relationship” of some sorts starts to build.
APOR2017 Posted November 15, 2019 Posted November 15, 2019 I am so much like you, so I understand. I have to be very conscious and aware of my emotions and mind. I have to literally/physically stop, breathe, pray, walk or write about it. This gives me time to rationalize and sometimes I have to do this over and over. You are not alone and you are most likely a go-getter. This is a trait I have learned to love about myself but it can be a negative trait also, if we allow it. I am here if you want to talk. I dont think you should diminish this quality in your life, maybe just allow it to be refined. Big hugs!
elaine567 Posted November 15, 2019 Posted November 15, 2019 The minute he told you that he has never been in a LT relationship and that he gets bored after a few months was the minute you should have walked away. Guess what? You have known him for a whole 2 months and he is... surprise! surprise! ...pulling away. You are driving yourself nuts over something that was predictable from day one. Your ego led you to believe, you were more special, he would "choose" you, but now you have feelings for a guy who could dump you at any time due to "boredom"... if not this week then maybe next... if he puts up with you till Xmas, will he get a new girl by Valentines day? These are the guys you stay well away from, if you want a happy life. 1
BaileyB Posted November 15, 2019 Posted November 15, 2019 Find something else to do. Seriously, go out with friends, go the gym, read a book... Stop obsession about this guy and make yourself a little less available. If it’s meant to be, it will be. And if it doesn’t “turn into something,” well you will deal with that too. 2
vla1120 Posted November 15, 2019 Posted November 15, 2019 I appreciate the feedback! I should have probably mentioned I do internalize all this. He probably thinks I’m a damn cucumber because I don’t show how eager I am. We do more than just sleep together when we do see each other. Lots of outdoor activities, spending time with his roommates, job events, we did a road trip. Most of which he initiates the plans first. Which is all fine and dandy until I get too wrapped up in all that! Thank you for clarifying. It really sounds to me like he DOES have more interest in you than in previous people, given the time you spend together (since he stated he does not normally spend time with people he sleeps with.) I wonder if HE is also getting anxious about all of this and trying to put the brakes on because it has already gone further than he usually lets it go. I would be wary of the fact that he does not seem like relationship material given his past. That does not mean he will NEVER be relationship material. Just tread carefully, keep you radar on, and make sure when you listen, you're hearing what is TELLING you and not what you want to hear, if that makes any sense.
elaine567 Posted November 15, 2019 Posted November 15, 2019 I do not see these activities as being an indication of anything. Some of these guys provide the full bf experience, they can like being in a "relationship", only they start feeling trapped and bored pretty quick, and it is then time to move on to the next woman. Their honesty about their usual MO at the start can lead to trust and some women also see it as a challenge. They believe they can change him, "With the love of a good woman ie me, he will be perfect..." Unfortunately he often lives up to his MO and loves them and leaves them...
MountainGirl111 Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 (edited) When people tell you things about them...believe them(in most cases).His statement about "not hanging out much with people he's had sex with" could be taken a variety of ways I suppose....so he's not too much of a straight shooter, is he? The best way to slow your horses, quite literally, is to have a good "command" of your horses in the first place. A horse that you have command of will respond to the slightest tug on the reins or a verbal "Whoa"...and it doesn't even have to be a loud "whoa". So, know yourself best first and be in control of YOU. Know what you need, not necessarily what you want at the moment. Don't let anyone get the best of ya. Edited November 16, 2019 by MountainGirl111
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