Angel29 Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 I chatted to a guy online for months. When we met I didn’t feel there was enough of a connection. He seemed overly keen, complimenting me every few minutes and bought me flowers which put me off. At the end of the date he asked for a second date but my excuse made it clear there would not be a second date. After the date people said I was hasty so I reconsidered seeing him again. He text the day after the date but he started playing games as he took 4 days to reply saying he was ‘busy’ - no-one is that busy people always have their phone with them. I replied and after 2 days of no response as he was playing games and he took the rejection personally I deleted him from my phone and the site. I am baffled as he has since replied 6 days later, quite clear his other dating sites have no options. It just seems an obligatory text. I have no desire to date him and found out he was on another site looking for marriage. Each to their own but I don’t want to rush into marriage with a stranger. Should I just explain to him I think we can agree there is only going to be friendship or ignore him?
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 I think you should ignore him so he can go find a lady who will appreciate him and his efforts. Nice guys do seem to finish last, unfortunately. 1
schlumpy Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 I have no desire to date him and found out he was on another site looking for marriage. Each to their own but I don’t want to rush into marriage with a stranger. Should I just explain to him I think we can agree there is only going to be friendship or ignore him? I believe in instincts and I will assume that your instincts told you that he was dead end, but I don't see anything he did that caused you to run. So he showed a bit too much enthusiasm. You could have tamped that down with a little reassurance that you were not going to disappear. You realize that you can date without jumping into bed with someone? You can control the level of intimacy that you want to provide? What would have been the problem with casual dating to see what could develop? What are you looking for in a relationship that caused you to reject his overtures? The only real clue you posted was your distaste for the idea of marriage. Did he propose? Did he immediately talk about the color your future children's eyes? He's obviously looking for more then friendship so, no just move on.
d0nnivain Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 There is no basis for a friendship. This is a person who passed through your life. Nothing more. Moving on separately with no further interaction is the best. I'm saddened that you found the flowers off putting. It was a nice gesture. I agree it was over the top for a 1st meet off OLD but still I suspect it came from a good place. If you didn't like him upon meeting you didn't like him. That is all there is to that. Going forward, never talk to somebody from OLD for "months" before meeting. The talking needs to end quickly & go on to meeting. That way you don't waste time. Try not to judge much by the speed at which they get back to you. In this case his delay was a face saving measure because you had already rejected him then tried to change your mind. From his end it looked like game playing & he needed some time to regroup. For you to get miffed at that point wasn't fair. 2
stillafool Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 I don't understand if you went out with him and YOU felt there was no connection what does it matter what your friends think? You already decided there was no connection and was put off because he brought you flowers. He texted you the next day which I assume you weren't impressed by but are complaining that he took 4 days to reply - reply to what? If you aren't interested in him what does any of this matter? 2
stillafool Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 I don't know dOnnivain, back in the day when I was dating some guys would bring flowers or candy for a first date and I thought it was sweet. One time a guy brought me an electric blanket for my king bed because I had told him I was cold. I liked it but I guess women these days don't want gifts until they are in a relationship which I understand.
chillii Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 l'm confused, first you tell him there'll be no second date then change your mind and decide to see him again even though there's all these things you didn't even like anyway , but wonder why he didn't reply 4days. You took two yourself somewhere in there too. Seems like pots calling black kettles to me. 1
lurker74 Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 I have no desire to date him Um...move on. 1
kendahke Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 Um... if this was true: he asked for a second date but my excuse made it clear there would not be a second date. After the date people said I was hasty so I reconsidered seeing him again. Then this shouldn't matter: He text the day after the date but he started playing games as he took 4 days to reply saying he was ‘busy’ - no-one is that busy Who cares if he took 6 months to respond--you weren't interested in him anyway. Why didn't he go on block after you got home that night? 2
lavenderandvelvet Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 I don't know dOnnivain, back in the day when I was dating some guys would bring flowers or candy for a first date and I thought it was sweet. One time a guy brought me an electric blanket for my king bed because I had told him I was cold. I liked it but I guess women these days don't want gifts until they are in a relationship which I understand. I am in a somewhat similar position to the op now. Been chatting with an online dating guy for a few weeks now. Basically we planned a date, then he had a last minute work trip that was planned for at least 4 weeks. I told him he could get in touch when he was back. He decided a different approach. Instead he was very persistent in communicating over the past few weeks. Nearly daily. We’ve talked on the phone and so on. The trip will be over in about a week. So I’ll see what happens. But we have built up a lot of connection and chemistry via phone and text which you never know if it’ll translate. He also offered to get me a gift from his trip. Which makes me a little uncomfortable. I suggested something small. Akin to what you would bring your office mates from a trip. The idea of a gift is sweet but slightly off putting. I reiterated no gifts are needed. But he is a bit older as well as from a more “old world” culture where that is likely the norm. I did have a friend who got a weird gift on a second date. The guy was very smitten with her. He made some personalized m&ms with her picture on them (a pic sourced from social media). There was a message on it, I think is was you are great or something. Anyway it was kinda creepy and weird. She ended it. And brings out these m&ms at parties as a joke.
stillafool Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 I am in a somewhat similar position to the op now. Been chatting with an online dating guy for a few weeks now. Basically we planned a date, then he had a last minute work trip that was planned for at least 4 weeks. I told him he could get in touch when he was back. He decided a different approach. Instead he was very persistent in communicating over the past few weeks. Nearly daily. We’ve talked on the phone and so on. The trip will be over in about a week. So I’ll see what happens. But we have built up a lot of connection and chemistry via phone and text which you never know if it’ll translate. I think the difference in your situation and OP is you are probably interested in this guy. OP has indicated she has no desire to date him but is apparently up set he isn't responding. I did have a friend who got a weird gift on a second date. The guy was very smitten with her. He made some personalized m&ms with her picture on them (a pic sourced from social media). There was a message on it, I think is was you are great or something. Anyway it was kinda creepy and weird. She ended it. And brings out these m&ms at parties as a joke. The M&Ms with my face on them would creep me TFO!
Purepony Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 Let it go Don’t say anything there’s no need to 1
rjc149 Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 Yep, the flowers, over-complimenting, etc. turned you off because this is weak, approval-seeking, supplicating behavior. Like he's trying to win you over, trying to buy your love, giving with the expectation of a return. This is unattractive at a fundamental level for women. No surprise why you felt no connection or spark with this guy. You politely declined any further interaction with him. No reason to ding you on that. Sounds to me like you're just a little butthurt that he's quickly and easily accepted your rejection and he's no longer validating you and stroking your ego. He went 180 on you, hot for months to cold turkey on a dime, now rejecting you. So you're just in withdrawal.
Highndry Posted November 14, 2019 Posted November 14, 2019 There's no reason to even waste another moment in time thinking of this guy. Block/ignore/delete and move on.
TheFinalWord Posted November 14, 2019 Posted November 14, 2019 I chatted to a guy online for months. When we met I didn’t feel there was enough of a connection. He seemed overly keen, complimenting me every few minutes and bought me flowers which put me off. At the end of the date he asked for a second date but my excuse made it clear there would not be a second date. After the date people said I was hasty so I reconsidered seeing him again. Try not to get into a phone-ship. Or at least, use video calls to make it feel more real. Regarding the flowers, it depends how much you like him. A lot of women these days are so unused to men romancing them, that getting them a single rose, can be seen as very sweet and kind. It's worked well for me more than once. But if you're on the fence about the guy, it makes you think that you are going to look like a jerk if you have to reject him and you wish he didn't like you very much so you won't feel guilty if you don't like him. So, it repulses you. Men a cardinal rule: If a woman is super interested in you, I have found there is almost no such thing as coming on too strong. I don't understand if you went out with him and YOU felt there was no connection what does it matter what your friends think? A lot of what determines if a woman likes man is based on what her friends think of him. Women are heavily influenced by social dynamics. For example, if a man is seen surrounded by attractive women, other women will automatically consider him more attractive. Social proof. I did have a friend who got a weird gift on a second date. The guy was very smitten with her. He made some personalized m&ms with her picture on them (a pic sourced from social media). There was a message on it, I think is was you are great or something. Anyway it was kinda creepy and weird. She ended it. And brings out these m&ms at parties as a joke. Men, pay very careful to the above. If you go overboard and act too interested in a woman from the get go, you will be the butt end of all the jokes at the different social functions she goes to. She almost has to doubt if you're interested. Whatever interest level she is giving off, give off half of that on the first couple of dates. 1
Author Angel29 Posted November 14, 2019 Author Posted November 14, 2019 Thank you for all your advice. I have blocked him now as he takes days to reply as he didn't like the rejection. I can't see any point in being friends with someone who plays games. Plus it is just a waste of my time and energy as I couldn't care less about seeing him again.
Timshel Posted November 14, 2019 Posted November 14, 2019 I did have a friend who got a weird gift on a second date. The guy was very smitten with her. He made some personalized m&ms with her picture on them (a pic sourced from social media). There was a message on it, I think is was you are great or something. Anyway it was kinda creepy and weird. She ended it. And brings out these m&ms at parties as a joke. He dodged a bullet, your friend reads to me as a person who lacks class. Making an effort of hope, however misguided, into a party joke; thinking that it improves her own stature. Angel, good to know that you have decided that you will not pursue the guy that you told to not pursue you...excellent decision. 1
stillafool Posted November 15, 2019 Posted November 15, 2019 A lot of what determines if a woman likes man is based on what her friends think of him. Women are heavily influenced by social dynamics. For example, if a man is seen surrounded by attractive women, other women will automatically consider him more attractive. Social proof. Yes I've seen this, but for me what my friends or family thought of who I date never even phased me as long as they aren't serial killers. I do know a lot of women who are all of a sudden are attracted once a guy is taken. That wasn't me either, as a matter of fact that's a turn off.
TheFinalWord Posted November 15, 2019 Posted November 15, 2019 Yes I've seen this, but for me what my friends or family thought of who I date never even phased me as long as they aren't serial killers. Yeah, you are mature than the average woman. I think the same way. You are the one that has to be with the person, what you think should matter the most! But a lot of people will dump a guy if their friends don't like something about him. Even if what they don't like is superficial or maybe not even true.
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