guitarguy22 Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 Hi everyone, I’ll try and keep this as short as I can. I’m a 28 year old male, good job, stays positive, active, and genuinely cares for someone I love in a relationship. I was with my S/O for 2 years with one of those years being engaged. She has a little boy who I love as well and treated them both well. We got along well on a personal level and had similar interests. As much good as I know I did for them in the relationship, there were small problems that eventually turned big if that makes sense. She is a very neutral person, and I am more of a positive cheerful type of guy. This personality difference played a role in conversation, initial greetings, and set the tone for the weekends. I was more thrilled to see her and she was neutral. To me sometimes it felt as if I was putting in more effort. This didn’t really start happening until about a year in. As the relationship went on, she started to respect me less as a man because to her she saw me as less of a man. (I’ll get to that in a sec). So we had moved in together, she wasn’t there long, we had gotten into a few arguments, and she eventually moved all of her stuff out without telling me one day 3 weeks before the lease was up so I had no furniture (we put it on her credit like since it was slightly better). So for the summer, I didn’t talk to her again. She then reached out at the end of summer, saying she missed me. I eventually got back together with her and she told me she lost respect for me as a man and apologized, saying she should know better as a woman how to treat me. She said because of my “bounciness or cheerful personality” it was less of a man to her. Sort of silly to me, but her dad is more of the quiet, solemn, steady type. I guess this is what she sees as a man. We talked about how the both of us had slept with other people over the summer but never became emotionally attached to anyone. Now we are back together and things have been better since we told each other what we needed from the other person. I need to feel wanted and loved (physical touch, words of affirmation) she needs someone calm, easy going, and safe. We both have a lot better understanding of what each other needed than the 2 years we had been together. Here’s the tricky part: we have both been with other people in our time apart and part of that weighs on me ( yes it sucks). Also, the fact that she left me then realized the grass wasn’t greener and came back. Who’s to say she could do it again? She always did have commitment problems, but we were both loyal to each other in the relationship. She also doesn’t seem to want another baby and I’d like one of my own eventually. She still lives with her parents and I live in an apartment close by. My dad says opportunity cost is what I’m missing out on here and he would never take someone back who left me. Just a lot. It’s hard when you love someone and you don’t know what the best path to take is. Would you stay in it? Would you move on and try and find something else?
smackie9 Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 (edited) Ok you got me on the kid part. That right there is where you two are far apart on and no matter what you say about how much in love you are....it is not worth the sacrifice to stay. She’s made up her mind and hoping she will come around is foolish. Sorry to say this but I understand why she says you were less of a man to her.....you don’t stand up to her, you don’t like confrontation, you would rather see how things play out rather that deal with the issue firmly like telling her straight that not being able to have a kid of your own is going to be a deal breaker. Ya gotta have the guts to say it. Edited November 13, 2019 by smackie9
ExpatInItaly Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 You each want the other to be someone you're just not. There are significant incompatibilities, not only in terms of character but also life goals. Personally, I wouldn't try jamming this square peg into a round hole anymore. It didn't work before and it's not working now. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 From what you wrote it does sound to me like she only came back because she can't do any better If she lost respect for you as a man because you are a cheerful person, she's got some screwy thinking there but assuming you are still cheerful, where is the respect now? My challenge with respecting you comes from you taking her back. Your retroactive jealously will also poison this beyond repair. You can't change the fact that she slept with others while you were broken up. Remember, so did you. The idea that you are bothered by her behavior but see no consequence to yours indicates that this will blow up again soon. 1
schlumpy Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 Consider an open relationship or marriage. You both view sex as recreational. That won't be a problem. Chances are she was test driving someone before she left you and chances are she will again. Might as well be preemptive. You love her, right? So you should be able to put up with anything. The reason you are in a mess is because you are allowing it to happen. Learn to say no. Find a women with children. Date her and find out if kids really are your desire. You need to pick a path in life and start walking because the one you are walking now is a maze. 1
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