Boyfriend's female coworker wants to move in the same building as us

[smackie9]

He can't "make" her feel anything. She feels how she feels, and it's up to her to figure out how to deal with it.

 

If he behaves inappropriately with any of his female friends, that's a problem, and OP's best course of action would be to dump him. Otherwise, it is her issue to deal with.

 

I hang out alone with several female friends, and there is no inappropriate behavior (my wife and I have discussed which limits apply to which friends, mostly based on how they would behave in various circumstances - we can trust each other once we agree on something).

His behavior/habits/friendships MAKES her feel insecure that's why she's here. Doesn't matter if you or me think he isn't doing anything "inappropriate", that's a matter of opinion. Just the very fact he has interactions makes her feel insecure, and there are plenty of women, men who are like this. Yes that is on her and that is what my point was. She doesn't like her bf having any kind of interaction with other females, so why would she date someone who has female friends? It's everyone on here is assuming he's this flirty sleaze ball that has other women on the side, I myself don't really believe that. She's flip floppin. On one side she wants to be able to accept it, but on the other side her insecurity want him to stop it. Now she has everyone painting him out to be the bad guy when it's possible it's her being her own worst enemy.

[frus69]

ok I think people are making wild unfounded accusations here.

OP merely said "he has female friends and he hangs out with them". And everybody is like "it's date like"."He is manipulative'. "He is behaving inappropriately"...seriously?

 

OP, live in the present. She hasnt even moved in and you're already imaging them having sex in the bedroom.

 

Has he given you any reason to not trust him? Does he criticize you? Does he compare you to his friends? Does he act too close to his friends? Does he ignore you when he's out?

 

Or is it only your own insecurity?

 

I understand if OP really dont like opposite sex friends. but it doesnt mean you have to breakup with him especially if you think he is a great guy. You can have a talk with him and ask for a compromise though. Tell him you support his friends choice however please understand your little insecurity. Try not to hang out with them alone but try to always include you too

Edited November 13, 2019 by frus69

[elaine567]

She can't have a talk with him about this, as he has shut her down by saying he will not tolerate "jealousy".

She has to put up and shut up.

There is no compromising, he has put up a brick wall.

He gets angry and will not discuss.

That is where the accusations of manipulation come from, as it is a great trick to get his own way.

[frus69]

Did he use the literal word "put up and shut up"? And how did OP talk to him? Did she say it in a reasonable way or controlling way? It all makes big difference.

 

If she just blatantly shows her jealousy and asks him to stop seeing his friends, of course he will say " I dont tolerate that. I have female friends, accept it or leave it".

 

I'm not saying that's exactly what OP did. But I dont think we can draw any conclusion based on what OP said so far.

[d0nnivain]

Or is it only your own insecurity?

* * *

You can have a talk with him and ask for a compromise though. Tell him you support his friends choice however please understand your little insecurity. Try not to hang out with them alone but try to always include you too

 

frus69 you are applying logic to this emotional situation. The BF already repeatedly announced that he doesn't like displays of jealousy or what he views as controlling behavior. He will see any request for compromise as her doing exactly what he stated he didn't want. He drew this line in the sand. The fact that he made this announcement at all tells me he knows his behavior crosses a lot of lines & GFs in the past have complained &/or set boundaries that restrict him from doing whatever he wants no matter how inappropriate or hurtful to his GF at the time. The OP doesn't have enough self-esteem to recognize this manipulation for what it is -- gaslighting designed to make her feel like she's in the wrong for expecting her SO to take her feelings into consideration. Hence her Q & everybody's response to dump him.

[frus69]

frus69

The fact that he made this announcement at all tells me he knows his behavior crosses a lot of lines & GFs in the past have complained &/or set boundaries that restrict him from doing whatever he wants no matter how inappropriate or hurtful to his GF at the time.

.

 

I dont see why him telling her not to control his life means his behavior is out of line? Maybe she is out of line first? You dont know what she said to him?

 

Maybe his ex made a very inappropriate request and forbid him from having any female friends hence he's reacting rather strongly this time? Maybe just one reasonable conversation he will change his attitude? We have absolutely no idea what the relationship is like between them from this one fraction of story and I honestly dont believe OP will listen to some strangers here and dump him anyway.

 

I still think one last attempt to have a calm conversation before dumping him is worth a shot.

[d0nnivain]

She never said anything to him. She came here asking Qs because he always said things about not being jealous or controlling. Why would somebody announce that if their SO wasn't doing or saying anything? It was a pre-emptive strike because other GFs objected when he behaved like this in the past.

 

I'm usually a proponent of conversations. I think most things can be worked out diplomatically. Problem is most people can't manage conflict & things blow up.

[frus69]

Let's say he was indeed being preemptive, what's wrong with that? It could be because his ex was insanely jealous and almost ruined his life and he is trying to avoid it from happening again so he told OP from the start "I have female friends. This is something you either take it or leave it. Im not changing my life for anyone".

 

It doesnt mean he is being shady. Well not till OP tells us more details anyway.

 

Yes people are bad at managing conflicts but doesnt mean you dont even bother trying. Maybe if he can see that OP isnt trying to control him, he can meet her half way too. Again, I dont believe OP sounds like she will dump him, at least not now. So might as well offer her some other advice.

[OnlyHonesty]

I guess that's the main issue, he has many female friends he sometimes meets alone, so if he would hang out with this coworker I feel I couldn't say anything because I would be the crazy jealous one. But I will just wait out and see how things go, his actions will tell me all I need in the end.

 

 

Then the issue here is your own boundaries. Either you are ok with him having lots of female friends that he sometimes meets alone, or not. If you are, then proceed as normal, if not then the boundary will need to be enforced.

 

Personally I wouldn't waste my time with a girl that had a lot of male friends that she hung out with. That's my boundary...

 

You are concerning yourself with jealousy, but what you need to concern yourself with is your own boundaries. I get the feeling that you've been flexible with your own needs in order not to be alone...

[isloveblind]

Since I apparently opened a can of worms, and assumptions have been made, I will clarify the situation:

 

 

it all started 2 years ago, us dating and the whole jealousy thing.

 

 

at first I noticed one day he was liking tons of random women on instagram. He kept doing it for a while until I brought it up. He said it didn't mean anything, and continued doing so. I think we discussed it like 3 to 4 times altogether, and I think he finally stopped doing that, although I'm not checking anymore either, as it was too draining. (And instagram now disabled the activity monitor of your followers).

 

 

then it was getting together with this one girl he briefly had a thing just before me, but nothing came out of it at the time. Still, I managed to start comparing myself to her constantly, and I still do,after 2 years.

 

 

then he has female coworkers that he's good friends with. there is now another coworker also, who doesn't have a bf (others do), and they text in the evening and at night after work.

 

 

 

A year ago, after the instagram fiasco, I also mentioned I am jealous of this girl he used to have a thing with, and then he got angry and said he hates jealousy, and hasn't given me any reason to be jealous of. and he's right. he doesn't hide me, and we have all hung out together as well, although I don't care about that much, as it is quite clear that girl doesn't really want to be my friend, and I am there just because of my bf.

 

 

so after he told me that, I haven't said anything anymore.and now I want to ask him why is this single coworker texting him in the evenings, I would never text a coworker with a girlfriend in the evenings like that.. but the fact is, maybe he texts first? and he also replies, so.. if he hates jealousy so much, I have to trust he is in control of the situation and nothing is happening between them.

 

 

 

 

however, as some of you have mentioned, this really hasn't been enjoyable experience for me for the past 2 years.. I mean I'm still hung up on the same people, and more are adding to the list. At this point I'm just torturing myself I feel. I cannot seem to trust him, and it's wearing me down.

 

 

P.S. I do have to mention, that he never questions me, I travel quite a lot alone (because he's not interested in a particular event or whatever), and he has never questioned or doubted me. he never checks my phone, and never demands to know who I am talking to. So he gives me freedom, and wants it back as well.

[frus69]

Are you saying he wouldnt care if you threw around Instagram likes or became friends with guys? If so he sounds like a free spirit and probably someone hard to manage (by you). And he demands the same from you.

 

You two arent compatible in this aspect. You either both compromise, or end it.

[isloveblind]

Are you saying he wouldnt care if you threw around Instagram likes or became friends with guys? If so he sounds like a free spirit and probably someone hard to manage (by you). And he demands the same from you.

 

You two arent compatible in this aspect. You either both compromise, or end it.

 

Yeah, he wouldn’t / doesn’t care.

[frus69]

My personal story, i used to not like the idea of opposite sex friends. But current my BF has loads. I had my share of imagination and doubts but eventually, chose to live in the present and trust him. Actually my therapist suggested me to do so too. I feel a lot better after freeing myself from my own jealousy cave and reality is, none of my fear/imagination has ever come true, never.

 

Try look at facts, rather than assumptions. Assumptions like:he likes her Instagram, so he must like her. they are texting, they must be flirting. He is with her now, so they probably getting close etc. etc.

 

Try focus on the facts: does he compliments you, puts you as priority, gives you attention over his female friends, doesnt act inappropriately etc ect.?

 

This is just a suggestion, if you want it to work. Otherwise, you can choose someone else who shares the same spirit as you. Like you said, 2 years is draining..

[d0nnivain]

I don't get the social media jealousy thing. Liking somebody's posts is no big deal because to me social media is not real. So I'm at a loss as to how you can call that a fiasco. IMO it was nothing more then you over reacting, him recognizing that you were over reacting & carrying on with what he was doing.

 

As for the constant texting with other women including co-workers after work that would bother me but it would bother me if the constant texts were from men too. Put the freakin' phone down & interact with the person who is live in front of you. Geesh

 

Since he hasn't given you reason to be suspicious, I think you can power down. It doesn't appear that he's cheating but he still is not taking your feelings & insecurities into consideration. Why have you put up with behavior you don't like that makes you uncomfortable for 2 years? That says a lot more about you then him.

 

Do talk to him about all of this as frus69 suggested but also try to be more trusting & less insecure.

[schlumpy]

You are at a disadvantage. You love him more then he loves you. I'm not impressed that he gives you your freedom. That, IMHO is a sign of indifference.

Your freedom is his freedom.

 

He could easily wipe out all your fears by a few simple acts of reassurance. Is that what is doing? Or is he piling it on knowing he has you painted into a corner.

[kendahke]

Yeah, he wouldn’t / doesn’t care.

 

That is called "indifference" and to have that estimation of someone you're romantically involved with is a really bad sign. That means he's not as emotionally invested in you as you are in him.

[PegNosePete]

I'm not impressed that he gives you your freedom. That, IMHO is a sign of indifference.

Yes, exactly. And also a way of justifying him doing what he wants, with whomever he wants. He probably just assumes you're meeting up with other guys, and that justifies in his mind the meetings he is having with other girls. He's turned your relationship into "don't ask, don't tell" and given you no choice in the matter.

 

Personally if I were you I'd be thinking very hard if this is how you want things to be for the rest of your life. He will not change. So you can either expect this to carry on forever, or find a new BF that is on your wavelength.

[d0nnivain]

There is a difference between indifference / not caring & being secure in your relationship.

 

I gave the example earlier. I am a flirty girl & was bebopping around a college football tailgate, game & post game parties interacting with other fans, mostly men. My husband was perfectly fine with that. I wouldn't call him indifferent because I know he mostly had a sense of where I was that whole time; I could easily catch his eye. But he also wasn't trying to stop me.

 

I get some sense that the OPs BF is more chill about M/F friendships because he has several but doesn't cross lines. Granted I initially thought he controlling & inappropriate but with the additional facts I think it's just not something that crosses his mind so he appears indifferent & non caring. I suspect he would care if his GF actually cheated but he's not the type to freak out because she went on a business trip. Jealousy does not equal love. It's a sign of insecurity.

 

Again my relationship with my husband works because I laid a foundation of trust & respect. He knows he's #1. The fact that the OPs BF doesn't take steps to calm her is the essence of the problem

[elaine567]

I don't get the social media jealousy thing. Liking somebody's posts is no big deal because to me social media is not real.

 

That is your view.

SM now occupies a large part in the lives of many.

It is how many communicate and interact with all the people in their lives.

One cannot just dismiss as it is not "real" as it can quite easily become very real.

 

This forum is full of affairs and bfs being up to no good, yet this guy who has women coming out of his ears and is acting pretty shady, somehow gets a pass and the poor OP is dubbed "insecure"... and is "overreacting".

[kendahke]

That is your view.

 

and apparently, this guy's view as well.

OP can bounce if she doesn't like his treatment of her. That's what she has control over.

[h0000]

This is hilarious...guys don’t want their gf to have male friends - controlling

Guy don’t mind GF has guy friends - indifference

 

 

Hard to please some women

[kendahke]

This is hilarious...guys don’t want their gf to have male friends - controlling

Guy don’t mind GF has guy friends - indifference

 

Hard to please some women

 

 

nothing to do with pleasing women... orbiters aren't usually well tolerated by boyfriends unless the boyfriend doesn't give a rip about his girlfriend.

[h0000]

We are talking about guy friends, not orbiters..dont shift concept.

And this whole discussion will made pointless if you just throw around labels

Edited November 14, 2019 by h0000