isloveblind Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 So my bf told me yesterday one of his coworkers (who he's very good friends with at work) just broke up with her boyfriend and now is looking for a new flat. Apparently there is one at our building where me and my bf are living together. I have all kinds of scenarios in my head, but I am interested what would be your boundaries in this situation? My boyfriend absolutely hates jealousy so I'm guessing whatever he will do, I cannot say anything about. Because the coworker is super outgoing, I am mainly concerned she will ask to hangout, and my bf will, and I have to be ok with it. So.. what would be your boundaries and what would you be NOT ok with that your partner did in this situation? provided you will not set any boundaries beforehand and let him do what he thinks is fine to do because you trust him?
PegNosePete Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 How is it your or your boyfriend's business where she chooses to live? 2
Author isloveblind Posted November 12, 2019 Author Posted November 12, 2019 (edited) she asked my bf if he recommends this place. Edited November 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed
PegNosePete Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 (edited) she asked my bf if he recommends this place. How does that mean it's your or your bf's business where she chooses to live? She's looking for somewhere nice to live and wants a personal recommendation. Nothing wrong with that. How do you expect your boyfriend to respond? "No it's a dump, DON'T live there" "It's fine but I don't think it's a good idea for co-workers to live in the same building" "Yeah it's nice but you can't live there because that's where I live" ??? I think you've got some serious jealousy issues here. You say your boyfriend hates that. You need to get them in check, because they WILL kill the relationship faster than any coworker! I am mainly concerned she will ask to hangout, and my bf will, and I have to be ok with it. Why would have have to be OK with that? Her moving into a building is one thing, and perfectly normal and acceptable. But hanging out 1-on-1 with a female co-worker in a date-like situation is another thing entirely. You do NOT have to be OK with that. Edited November 12, 2019 by PegNosePete 2
Author isloveblind Posted November 12, 2019 Author Posted November 12, 2019 (edited) Nono. She can move here, and no issues with that. I'm just worried they will start hanging out and my bf will tell me I have to be ok with it because hey, he can do whatever he wants. I admit I DO have jealousy issues but I do not show them. And I am working on them. But at the same time I feel my bf can do whatever he wants because I'm suppose to trust him. I guess that's true also.. But does that mean I am not allowed to have boundaries? I know I'm overthinking this but I was just curious what would be healthy boundaries in this situation. Edited November 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed
PegNosePete Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 I'm just worried they will start hanging out and my bf will tell me I have to be ok with it because hey, he can do whatever he wants. Sure he can do whatever he wants, as can everyone living in a free country! You should not try to restrict his freedom. However remember that you have your freedom as well -- the freedom to DUMP him if he doesn't treat you with respect and integrity. A co-worker moving into the building is one thing, and perfectly normal and acceptable, and you have no control over it. But him hanging out 1-on-1 with a female co-worker in a date-like situation is another thing entirely. You do NOT have to be OK with that. You should not be OK with being disrespected, insulted and cheated on. 2
Author isloveblind Posted November 12, 2019 Author Posted November 12, 2019 (edited) I guess that's the main issue, he has many female friends he sometimes meets alone, so if he would hang out with this coworker I feel I couldn't say anything because I would be the crazy jealous one. But I will just wait out and see how things go, his actions will tell me all I need in the end. Edited November 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed
schlumpy Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 You have jealousy issues? Why are you with someone who is going out of his way to make you jealous? I will assume he knows that you get antsy about him being with alone with other women and that he thinks it's your problem. Why set yourself up for failure? There is nothing wrong with jealousy if it motivates you to protect your relationship and failing that, to protect yourself.
PegNosePete Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 he has many female friends he sometimes meets alone, so if he would hang out with this coworker I feel I couldn't say anything Why are you worried about whether he will or will not hang out with this co-worker at some point in the future, yet you're not worried about the other women he already hangs out with?
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 I was the girl in this scenario. At my previous work place, I moved into a building where my co-worker and close friend lived with his wife. It was a random choice - it was the best apartment for the price. I can tell you how it played out. His wife went out of his way to befriend me. She invited me out for lunches and drinks all the time 1-1. I didn't have anything in common with her and it was a chore. I also hang out with her husband 1-1 and with them as a couple. I enjoyed hanging out with him but there was never anything romantic. It was highly annoying they I had to babysit his wife due to her insecurities. Eventually, I started avoiding her and he was no longer allowed to hang out with me. They moved out soon after and the last I heard, they separated (likely nothing to do with me). I moved to another state and never spoke to either of them again. Other people's relationships are soooo tiring. I really don't get OP how you can be in a relationship and keep all this paranoia and drama hidden. How can it be an enjoyable experience for you? You are living with someone who you can't even properly communicate with. Sad 1
Author isloveblind Posted November 12, 2019 Author Posted November 12, 2019 Why are you worried about whether he will or will not hang out with this co-worker at some point in the future, yet you're not worried about the other women he already hangs out with? I do have issues with them. But once he told me quite angrily that he hates jealousy and when partners start to restrict other's freedom. That's when I realized I cannot be vocal about my insecurities and I have to trust him. He ha an ex who was super jealous and told him not to do stuff. But also these women don't live in the same building.. I'm thinking if someone lives right here, it's easier to ask to hang out on a bored evening.
Author isloveblind Posted November 12, 2019 Author Posted November 12, 2019 (edited) I was the girl in this scenario. At my previous work place, I moved into a building where my co-worker and close friend lived with his wife. It was a random choice - it was the best apartment for the price. I can tell you how it played out. His wife went out of his way to befriend me. She invited me out for lunches and drinks all the time 1-1. I didn't have anything in common with her and it was a chore. I also hang out with her husband 1-1 and with them as a couple. I enjoyed hanging out with him but there was never anything romantic. It was highly annoying they I had to babysit his wife due to her insecurities. Eventually, I started avoiding her and he was no longer allowed to hang out with me. They moved out soon after and the last I heard, they separated (likely nothing to do with me). I moved to another state and never spoke to either of them again. Other people's relationships are soooo tiring. I really don't get OP how you can be in a relationship and keep all this paranoia and drama hidden. How can it be an enjoyable experience for you? You are living with someone who you can't even properly communicate with. Sad What if you were the wife, and this situation was happening with you? How would you feel? You are right though.. this isn't very enjoyable, but mostly because I am creating scenarios in my head that hurt myself. Edited November 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
PegNosePete Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 (edited) I do have issues with them. But once he told me quite angrily that he hates jealousy and when partners start to restrict other's freedom. That's when I realized I cannot be vocal about my insecurities and I have to trust him. Hmm. I'm starting to think maybe you don't have jealousy issues after all, but rather a lack of confidence and self-esteem. Him getting angry about this is a classic reaction to getting busted. He is acting inappropriately and rather than take responsibility, he makes it all out to be your problem. He is right about one thing though, as I mentioned earlier, you can't restrict his freedom. But people who talk about their freedom often don't like it when other people also have freedom -- the freedom to DUMP him if he treats you with disrespect! And certainly he is treating you with disrespect. If you can't talk about your feelings then why are you even with him? What kind of a terrible boyfriend won't even discuss your feelings? He ha an ex who was super jealous and told him not to do stuff. That's what he told you? You've only heard 1 side of the story. His ex may well have a very different take on it. Maybe he dumped her because she wouldn't let him have his cake and eat it? If you catch him cheating or acting inappropriate with other women and dump him, then how do you think he will describe you to his next GF? I guarantee - "super jealous and told me not to do stuff"! Edited November 12, 2019 by PegNosePete
Author isloveblind Posted November 12, 2019 Author Posted November 12, 2019 (edited) I do have self esteem issues and I constantly compare myself to the other women. I honestly do not know why he chose/chooses to be with me, when there are so many better options for him out there. I don't necessarily think he lashed out because he was getting busted. I think it's normal to try and protect your friends as well. It's not right for me to isolate him from his friends and I wouldn't want to do that either. And I'm not doing it. But I guess I've blown every friendship he has so out of proportion that I don't have a sense of healthy boundaries anymore.. Edited November 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed
PegNosePete Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 I honestly do not know why he chose/chooses to be with me Because you put up with him acting inappropriately with other women, and don't question it when he says you can't restrict his freedom and can't even discuss your feelings. It doesn't sound like you have a very healthy relationship AT ALL. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 Has he been inappropriate with his female friends, OP? 1
smackie9 Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 (edited) Wow you need to stop assuming such negative things. Be positive and kind, and you won't have anything to worry about. If boundaries are crossed address it then. If you get up in his biz before anything happens, you will look like cray cray. Everything is going to be ok. This coworker is probably going through a tough time right now. She lost a relationship, probably lost some friends in the process, has the stress of looking for a place to live, moving out....it's a sad time for her. So if he helps her out a little bit, your BF is just being a good guy. Take this opportunity to welcome her to the building and invite her for dinner...show some kindness and get to know her. I doubt she's some succubus that steals peoples BFs. Edited November 12, 2019 by smackie9 1
elaine567 Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 I guess that's the main issue, he has many female friends he sometimes meets alone, so if he would hang out with this coworker I feel I couldn't say anything because I would be the crazy jealous one. But I will just wait out and see how things go, his actions will tell me all I need in the end. Meanwhile you are jealous, insecure and upset and are not allowed to set boundaries as your bf has told you he will not tolerate jealousy... How convenient for him... My guess he is playing you for a fool. Whilst you are tying yourself in knots, trying to be OK with the disrespect, he gets to do what he wants with these "friends". The problem is not with this girl or the apartment, the problem is your bf. If you want to feel good and stop being insecure, and have great self esteem, then stay away from guys like this who will chip chip chip away at your self worth. He chooses to be with you as you are a soft touch, he gets away with murder Any woman with an ounce of self respect would have dumped him and not put up with all these female "friends" of his.
Calmandfocused Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 Op. What your boyfriend said to you was a clever manipulation strategy. He was inadvertently telling you that he can do what he wants, when he wants to and that you have no right to complain. There is a massive difference between “restricting someone’s freedom” and having healthy boundaries. Every relationship needs healthy boundaries and you have a right to assert your boundaries and have them respected, it’s nothing to do with jealousy I’m 40 and have quite a few relationships (and a marriage) behind me. I honestly cannot think of one ex who would have been comfortable with me having one-one meet ups with guy friends from work. Even the mild mannered ones would have gone mental! And quite right too. Op, where this woman chooses to live is irrelevant. What is relevant is whether your boyfriend can operate himself in a manner that is appropriate to the relationship that he’s in with you. And respect your boundaries whilst he’s at it.
hippychick3 Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 Your bf may dislike jealousy and insecurity, but he has no right to tell you what your boundaries should be. There is nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable with your bf hanging out with a single female friend alone. Unless they were long time friends before you came along and have no dating or sexual history, I’d feel uncomfortable as well. Your bf can do as he pleases and have his freedom, and you can decide for yourself if that works for you or not. If it doesn’t work and he doesn’t agree to compromise, you’re not compatible. 2
d0nnivain Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 You & your BF are not a good match. You are insecure about his female friends & he's inconsiderate about your insecurities. That is no way to have a relationship. I'm a big proponent of pre-existing friends & I'm a huge a flirt. That said I have boundaries. When I first got together with my now husband he had to meet a lot of my male buddies but I went out of my way to explain that they were now his friends too. When I was spending time with them he was always welcome. I tried to ease any concerns he had. Just this past weekend DH & I attended a college football game. My alma mater was playing his step-brother's favorite team so we went to the game. I love football. DH could care less. It's football; there are more men then women. I talked to everybody. I was hi-fiving & hugging random men on my side. I trash talked, fist bumped & drank shots with the fans of the opposing team. I also talked to a lot of female fans on both sides. If my husband was at all the jealous type, my behavior yesterday would have sent him into orbit. But he knew I was all about fun & football. Some of it was a little flirty but he was always my #1 guy. Where your BF's co-worker lives should be of no concern of yours. Whether he has female friends should also be OK, but your SO has an obligation to make you comfortable & secure around their opposite sex friends. This business about "I can hang out with anybody I want & you're wrong for being upset" is nonsense. There are lines. Showing respect for your partner & making that person feel like the most important relationship in your life is part & parcel of having a healthy romance. It is about trust but trust needs to be earned. 1
kendahke Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 My boyfriend absolutely hates jealousy so I'm guessing whatever he will do, I cannot say anything about. How long have you two been seeing one another and how many times/under what circumstances did your jealousy become so prominent that he handed you a can of "act right"? 1
preraph Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 (edited) Have you met this woman? Is she attractive? Does he seem interested in her? Does she seem interested in him? On one hand, if she's right there and they start something, might not be so hard to catch them at it. You might be able to see men coming and going, so be sure if she moves in, to insist on going over there to meet her so you know where she is and also to show her he's your husband. Edited November 12, 2019 by preraph
smackie9 Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 The question is not "I don't know why he's with me if I'm insecure and jealous....?" It should be this: "Why am I with a guy that makes me feel insecure and jealous..?" Seriously why are you with someone that has a ton of female friends? Why are you with a guy that doesn't want to comply with healthy boundaries? You knew this when you started dating no? It's not up to him to decide whether you should keep seeing each other. If you are looking for a solution to make him stop, well that ain't happening. This is how he is. So like what the others have said, you two are NOT a match. You need to choose more wisely whom you have a relationship with. 1
central Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 The question is not "I don't know why he's with me if I'm insecure and jealous....?" It should be this: "Why am I with a guy that makes me feel insecure and jealous..?" He can't "make" her feel anything. She feels how she feels, and it's up to her to figure out how to deal with it. If he behaves inappropriately with any of his female friends, that's a problem, and OP's best course of action would be to dump him. Otherwise, it is her issue to deal with. I hang out alone with several female friends, and there is no inappropriate behavior (my wife and I have discussed which limits apply to which friends, mostly based on how they would behave in various circumstances - we can trust each other once we agree on something).
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