Cross dresser relationship - 3 months post break up

[Hunny2019]

Hi all, I stumbled across this forum while looking up advice so I thought I might aswell share my story and get some advice from you all since you are all so very helpful.

 

I am a 29 year old cross dresser who was in a 2 year relationship with my ex partner who is 21. I havn't transitioned at all however it never got in between me and my ex's attraction. When we first met I was dressed up as a woman driving around with my friend, I was not interested in him at all however I did offer my number out however he kept on stalking me and messaging me and I eventually blocked him. Eventually months passed and I ran into him again, but this time I wasn't dressed and he was still showing interest as to where he chased me to get in contact with me and I gave him a chance.

 

Throughout the relationship we had a few bumps where he cheated on me 3 months in with my own friend as I was not giving into anal sex with him and he my "best friend" ended up giving him a hand job. it really destroyed my friendship as 2 of my friends were involved as my "best friend" had confided into my other friend and kept it from me for 4 months, however he was the only one honest with me after I found out so I decided to give him a chance and take him back because I really wanted to work on things. However the sex was not the same right until the end of the breakup, I could never have sex with him because I felt cheap.

 

We had been on and off for the next 1 and a half years and up until 3 months ago we had a big arguement he was being very desperate and kept on pushing me for it as to where I blurted out "just go have sex with another woman" as to where he swore he would and I kind of got angry and frantic (as you would) and started throwing my hands at him as to which I admit I was in the wrong. After dropping him home he said it was over and I cried and went home.

 

The next day I turned up and he wouldn't show me his face or reply to my texts, I told him I was ready for sex as I didn't want to lose him and he had just given me the face. Since then he had blocked me on ALL social media except he hasn't blocked me from facebook or snapchat which he usually does when we argue. He knows how much I hate being blocked. I decided to do NC however I was still stalking his instagram page as to where I noticed he was posting really sad and hurtful images of where he misses his lover as to where I thought he was missing me so I decided to reach out to him to no avail.

 

After driving in his area with a friend, my friend noticed his car with a girl in it and he clearly saw me and infront of me he kissed her on the cheek to burn me ofcourse and I was in shock! Thats when the stalking began. I met him outside his class and confronted him and he was super angry and just wanted to leave, he couldn't look at me. He told me he was in a relationship with a woman and it was only 2 months since we broke up. I acted needy (which was a mistake I know) but it didn't stop there. He told me he wanted to get married and explained that he wasn't messing with other trans girls and that I should move on. I told him about how I was stalking on instagram and noticed him showing off at the clubs with random girls and he explained he wasn't going clubbing anymore. I even asked him to look me in the eye and say he didn't love me as to where he couldn't because he was so guilty.

 

A couple days later I decided to dress up and boy did I look good. I ended up catching him at where else, the same club but the girl was no where to be seen. He glanced at me and quickly ran away in shame as to where I messaged him with my pictures desperately to show him what he was missing out on.

 

The following couple days I noticed his rebound girlfriend had blocked him from instagram and that he was single as to where I was over the moon, so I messaged him on the Monday and told him I knew everything as to where he replied back telling me to leave him alone that he didn't want to be a part of my life anymore. I told him I was coming to his house to talk and he didnt reply. After buying flowers and 4 hours later of endless texting as to where I finally said "now I see everything, thanks for opening my eyes" he gave in and asked me what I wanted? And I told him closure, I want him to say he didnt love me anymore to my face so he came rushing downstairs and he was furious and even started pushing me and saying his heart was like stone and he couldn't care less if I was love sick. His own words were "I don't hate you or do I love you anymore" and to throw the flowers in the bin (last time he bought me flowers I told him to do the same because I wanted him to prove that he loved me by emotion not sympathetic flowers to cover up his mistake.). He then told me I had 10 seconds to explain what I wanted as to where I kept telling him to come in the car and he stormed off.

 

I then messaged him telling him I was shy to say but I needed sex from him so we could both heal as to where he pulled the face again and said please. I then out of desperation sent him nudes to see if he would react as to where he ignored me and the last message I sent was "I know you don't love me anymore, I accept it".

 

Since then I have initiated no contact and its 2 weeks in, he is not going to the clubs but rather spending alot of the time at the gym however he still posts that he is looking for a girlfriend with "no gender role".

 

I really love him and its been exactly 3 months now and I don't want to lose him. I was wondering if you all could give me some advice on what he is feeling and what I should do as christmas and new years is down the corner and this will be the first time we wont be celebrating it together. He is a very stubborn man and can hold a big grudge, I've seen him do it to his friend of 2 years.

 

All your replies are much appreciated

[Hunny2019]

Sorry all I just went to edit the thread and it created a new thread, I am not sure how to delete this one.

[Hunny2019]

Does anybody have any advice?

[skywriter]

Hunny2019, You may or may not appreciate advice from an older female who's raised a couple of kids, been through a couple of marriages, but you asked, so here goes.

 

Stop chasing this guy, please. From your post, my first impression is you know who you are and what you want, he seems to not quite be there yet.

 

You have to ask yourself why all this work? Is it healthy and in the end whats to come of a relationship born out of drama?

 

I truly wish for you whatever your heart desires, but only in the best, healthiest, longterm way. Stay NC, and try to focus on yourself, family, friends, all the people that love you. Sometimes what we want at the time, isn't necessarily, what we need.

Edited November 13, 2019 by skywriter

[Hunny2019]

Stop chasing this guy, please. From your post, my first impression is you know who you are and what you want, he seems to not quite be there yet. You have to ask yourself why all this work? Is it healthy and in the end whats to come of a relationship born out of drama?

 

Thank you so much for your reply, I really respect that you are such a strong woman. Its been hard because I lost alot of friends due to the relationship, and even though I am 2 weeks into NC, I cannot seem to stop stalking his instagram. Every post he has is eerily reminiscent of what he wants in our relationship so I can't help but feel like he is posting these images to reach out to me indirectly but I know the mind plays alot of tricks.

 

This isn't the first time we've been through NC, and at each point I've always reached out thats why I still feel like there is hope.

Edited November 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[skywriter]

((Hunny2019)))

 

Your reply about losing alot of friends because of this relationship begs the question...Why?

 

Also, you are the one reaching out and when you've reached out what has been the outcome?

 

Hunny2019, my youngest child had she lived would be your age and I think of what I would have said to her in such a situation as yours. I would say baby, your mate is still a baby, only 21 years young. You my darling are 29 years old and have matured 8 more years. Please read your original post back to yourself.

 

Remember this when you want to break NC.

 

Sometimes what we want at the time, isn't necessarily, what we need.

Edited November 13, 2019 by skywriter

[Hunny2019]

Hunny2019, my youngest child had she lived would be your age and I think of what I would have said to her in such a situation as yours. I would say baby, your mate is still a baby, only 21 years young. You my darling are 29 years old and have matured 8 more years. Please read your original post back to yourself.Remember this when you want to break NC. Sometimes what we want at the time, isn't necessarily, what we need.

 

I am so so so sorry for your loss thank you so much for your support and advice.

 

When I reached out the first time Breaking NC I called him on private at night as to where he knew it was me and went outside to his car, we stopped and shared a glance for a minute and then I drove off and messaged him that I still loved him and missed him. The second time I reached out was at class when I found out there was a rebound involved and he admitted there was a girl involved and he thought about it in the time we didn't speak that marriage was on his mind. Since a few days later she was out of the picture thats when I reached out a third time and he ignored me for a couple hours outside his home and then came rushing down in anger and asked me why I didn't listen to him when he told me to move on. He was furious even to the point he was pushing me. Thats when I decided to go No contact again, because I feel like he is confused and angry right now but I don't know what to do. He isn't going clubbing anymore and I feel like the phase has worn off, he is posting things on instagram about how he doesn't know why he fees like this and that things will get better in time.

Edited November 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

He's made the decision not to do this anymore. He was never very dedicated; hence him doing it with your friend. I am very sorry you lost a friend over him. I have been there.

 

He may or may not still be tempted sexually, but he does not care enough to want a relationship anymore with you. You two don't even get along well. It's not been a very healthy relationship! First he stalked you and now you stalked him. It's disrespectful all around. Stalking is not love. Stalking is disrespect and delusion, not accepting reality.

 

You are going to have to let this go and move on to the next person, and I wish you good luck with that. Don't let anyone get abusive with you and don't you do it to anyone either!

[assertives]

I am 2 weeks into NC, I cannot seem to stop stalking his instagram. Every post he has is eerily reminiscent of what he wants in our relationship so I can't help but feel like he is posting these images to reach out to me indirectly but I know the mind plays alot of tricks.

 

I'd advise you to stop reading too much into what he is posting on social media. It is keeping you stuck. He can want what he wanted previously in your relationship, with other people too. It doesn't necessarily means he wants you back. You have tried reaching out the past 3 times only to have that backfired badly in your face. It honestly sounds like he doesn't want to do this anymore, not with you, no. You can't force someone back into a relationship with you or to be with you. You are only hurting yourself and making yourself appear like that crazy ex who can't take no for an answer, stalks, blow up his phone with endless text and shows up at school, at his house, everywhere.

 

I'd say block him everywhere and focus on your healing.

You aren't really in NC if you are still stalking his social media. Out of sight out of mind. It will help give you some space to reflect on the relationship. I agree with Peraph that he wasn't very committed to the relationship to begin with, which explains the on and off again nature of the relationship and the cheating with your friend. Those are not actions of someone who loves and is committed to you OP. He is not a good long term partner and it wouldn't be a healthy and fruitful relationship that makes you grow to be a better version of yourself.

 

You will be better off finding someone who would love, support and build you up, not someone like him who cheats, and do things to deliberately hurt you. Your ex brings out the worse in you. Leave this one in the past.

[Hunny2019]

@preraph...

 

I wish it was just that easy, I am going through such depression over this and its not helping me at all. I am completely alone without anybody because I sacrificed all my time for him. Its so hard readjusting.

Edited November 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[healing light]

Okay, this guy stalked you in the beginning. Then you stalked him. Sounds like you have both put your hands on each other at different times.

 

This situation honestly sounds to me like it could devolve into domestic violence down the line if it actually went on for longer.

 

I think you are addicted/obsessed and that's not healthy. But any time we get to this point, it's usually because the person's actions are symbolic of a larger wound we're trying to heal, and that's why we obsess over it and need the validation of the situation in some way. Please figure out what it is that he represents to you so that you can move on to a relationship that isn't toxic.

 

Also, I agree with the poster who said the age difference factors in here. This man may not even know quite what he likes yet, he's only 21. You're of the age where people start to consider settling down, he's at the stage in life where most sow their oats.

 

So I feel like you have that working against you regardless.

 

The best thing you can do right now is give this man space and find some way to stop stalking his social media. Maybe that means taking a social media break and finding out why you lost yourself so much in this situation, maybe it means blocking him entirely until you feel strong enough not to look regularly.

 

Good luck, I know it hurts.

[skywriter]

Hunny2019,

 

I imagine you already realize change is really difficult and often we don't go through it because we want it, it's because we can't change what is.

 

I remember when I was younger and older friends and family would tell me things some I might wanna blow off cause it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

 

It could be a week, month,year, whatever, but their words would come back to me full circle in a matter of time.

 

I'd be like, dang man how'd they know this crap? I had to go through it because I knew better in my mind, oh they just don't now 'em like I do, is what I'd tell myself.

 

It's funny I'm even telling you this because maybe a month ago my sweet middle child, who should have her picture posted beside hard headed in the dictionary, lol, told me momma, now I know what you were trying to tell me years ago.

 

I lifted my palms to the heavens, thinking right on sweetheart. Good luck, baby.

[Hunny2019]

I imagine you already realize change is really difficult and often we don't go through it because we want it, it's because we can't change what is......

 

Its so true, change is the hardest thing to adapt to. But wow, its so awesome to meet good people like yourself. I can't imagine what you have been through but I have SO much respect for you. Losing a loved one is the hardest thing you could go through and I know that time heals all wounds but sometimes people leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same

Edited November 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Hunny2019]

Okay, this guy stalked you in the beginning. Then you stalked him. Sounds like you have both put your hands on each other at different times.....

 

I know the age factor is such a huge thing, to be honest I never even wanted the relationship to begin with but he stalked and stalked and begged. He doesn't look anything his age. I felt like I showed him the ropes in life for those two years as he is actually new to this country as a refugee. I pushed him to learn english and he did so well. He is now preocuppied with his work and studies thats why I feel like we just drifted apart. Now I'm not saying thats the only thing but I guess time will tell. I know he is hurting so much thats why he takes it out at the gym every day, but sometimes space is all we need I guess.

Edited November 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Hunny2019]

Hi all, so I've just got an update. I couldn't help myself but reach into his facebook and snapchat and guess the password. Looks like I found out he has been cheating on me multiple times with a woman last year in August and a transgender 1 month before we broke up. He has since recorded videos of him with 3 other females having sex and I have made the decision to block him completely out of my life. I am so hurt words cannot describe how I feel right now. I have no one to talk about it, since I last broke no contact he has stopped seeing women, but he doesn't know I have seen everything! I don't know what to do anymore but grieve.