Hmm..should I give this new guy a shot?

[manifestsunshine]

Hi! I am single (early 30's) and recently met someone (26, who is an old soul). He reminds me of my first bf who I was in love with. I realize emotional intimacy is present...but I am realizing I am a sapiosexual, where intellectual stimulation turns me on. I am always self-improving and learning...am fickle and get bored easily...an INFJ (to be exact..and I keep hearing how hard it is for them to find love- we are old souls). It's hard to find someone who is spiritual and can stimulate my mind in deep thoughts. I have one male friend who fits this criteria to a T and to me it's a huge turn-on... but he's in another state and he is just a friend. I guess to find someone just like him in another person will be hard.

 

The problem is, I just met this new guy.. he told me he liked me and wants to commit to me. I do not really have any guy friends bc they always one way or another fall for me...making things awkward. This new guy is an alcoholic and he pretty much stopped drinking to show his dedication. I'll stick to telling him we are friends but don't know what his future holds, bc I don't want to cause a relapse for him but he's making it sound sometimes as if we are already a couple.

 

I find him easy to talk to and very attractive in personality but I need to be challenged-we're not on the same page of intellectual compatibility. It's hard bc as important as emotional intimacy is, I just don't know if relying on my other friend to make up for the lack of the intellectual portion will suffice.. as I realize you can't always find everything in one person. I am fine being single but am I being too picky?....and should I give this guy a shot? I would love help and suggestions! Thanks so much!

Edited November 12, 2019 by manifestsunshine

[smackie9]

No, and keep looking. You know what you need so why would you give up a very important expectation that sustains a relationship with you for the long haul. Don't be desperate. To add, he's an alcoholic. If he doesn't have the support of AA meetings, good chance he will turn to drinking again.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I think you know the answer to this already.

 

I too am a sapiofile so intellect or having someone who can stimulate me mentally as well as physically is VERY important otherwise I get bored.

 

What concerns me the most here is the fact that he's an alcoholic...going sober for YOU.

 

Having dated an alcoholic, they are very challenging. Dating and addict of any kind is challenging for heaven's sake. The whole world revolves around them both during their addiction and even in their sobriety.

 

The fact that he says he given up drinking for you in order to show you his commitment is a huge red flag. Basically, his success or failure lives and dies with you. Do you really want that kind of pressure?

 

Sobriety is already infinitely challenging at the best of times and when they're doing it all for the right reasons! He's not sincere in his quest for sobriety. It's a dramatic gesture that will blow up in both your faces. Trust me.

 

If you want to remain friends, that's super cool but I would stay as far away from him as far as having a romantic relationship.

 

Besides, you already said you're not that attracted to him so why bother at all?

[Legatus]

I'm also an INFJ, hence I totally understand the need for intelectual stimulation as being the key, not to mention a bit of a fear of getting bored.

 

Do not compromise those values for somebody who is attractive and just easy to talk to. Your mind knows you best I think him giving up alcohol for you is a red flag. That means he created a dependency on you and what if he goes back to drinking just because you two had a silly argument?

 

He should have done it for himself first rather than guilt you into giving him a chance.

[manifestsunshine]

No, and keep looking. You know what you need so why would you give up a very important expectation that sustains a relationship with you for the long haul. Don't be desperate. To add, he's an alcoholic. If he doesn't have the support of AA meetings, good chance he will turn to drinking again.

 

Thanks so much for your insight! He did me a favor and just blocked me out of the blue!...I guess he did me a favor.. after sending him a text message on how he needs help, etc. You're absolutely right though- it's all on him and not me. I know my worth, wants and needs- and you're right, I shouldn't be desperate- what was I thinking?...I guess I wasn't.

[manifestsunshine]

I think you know the answer to this already.

 

I too am a sapiofile so intellect or having someone who can stimulate me mentally as well as physically is VERY important otherwise I get bored.

 

What concerns me the most here is the fact that he's an alcoholic...going sober for YOU.

 

Having dated an alcoholic, they are very challenging. Dating and addict of any kind is challenging for heaven's sake. The whole world revolves around them both during their addiction and even in their sobriety.

 

The fact that he says he given up drinking for you in order to show you his commitment is a huge red flag. Basically, his success or failure lives and dies with you. Do you really want that kind of pressure?

 

Sobriety is already infinitely challenging at the best of times and when they're doing it all for the right reasons! He's not sincere in his quest for sobriety. It's a dramatic gesture that will blow up in both your faces. Trust me.

 

If you want to remain friends, that's super cool but I would stay as far away from him as far as having a romantic relationship.

 

Besides, you already said you're not that attracted to him so why bother at all?

 

 

Thanks so much for your in-depth answer!..and for sharing your experience! It is a huge wake-up call for me and I see your point loud and clear. He actually did me a favor and just blocked me out of the blue!...after sending him a text message on how he needs help, etc.

 

You're absolutely right and spot on with everything..I guess I was blind-sided a bit and I see from what you're saying how hard it is...and I understand now I avoided a huge liability. I agree he was insincere and it was a huge red flag- he should be doing it for himself all along. I see I was just an emotional crutch for him...and possibly another distraction for him to actually deal w/ his own problems. That is a huge burden to carry.

 

I enjoy helping people but I need to continue to acknowledge that I have boundaries in helping others...and to stop following through with relationships based solely on giving and no reciprocation. I realize as an empath I tend to attract a lot of ppl that need fixing, but I definitely will be more cautious now.

Definitely need to continue to uphold my standards and not settle for less than deserved. Thanks so for the clarity!

[OnlyHonesty]

You need to enforce the boundaries that you create for yourself. When they are not clear, and / or you do not enforce them, you end up falling into the ''am I being too picky' trap.

 

One also needs to understand that the possible consequences of enforcing their own boundaries is to be alone forever. However, the paradox is that people can end up more lonely when they do not enforce their boundaries, because they end up with a person they did not have the faith to reject.

 

When this occurs the form of trap changes from the 'am I being too picky' to the 'is the grass greener?' trap. Then the trap goes from one to the other, and in the middle your true desire remains unmet.

[manifestsunshine]

I'm also an INFJ, hence I totally understand the need for intelectual stimulation as being the key, not to mention a bit of a fear of getting bored.

 

Do not compromise those values for somebody who is attractive and just easy to talk to. Your mind knows you best I think him giving up alcohol for you is a red flag. That means he created a dependency on you and what if he goes back to drinking just because you two had a silly argument?

 

He should have done it for himself first rather than guilt you into giving him a chance.

 

I get so excited..*screams & shouts, when I am acquainted by another INFJ! Thanks so much for your input!

 

You're right! I do need to uphold my standards and it was a huge red flag. I did notice insecure and clingy vibes...and yes definitely see his co-dependent nature. I need to trust my intuition more. I see right through people unfortunately, as our "breed" tend to read ppl like an open book and I suppose I scared him off bc of my direct honesty. He just blocked me after I offered advice....so he did me a favor. He would have been a huge liability and I'm glad he's out of my life.

 

I usually see loud flashes of trauma when I first meet ppl. I tend to attract a lot of different kinds of ppl and mainly fixer-uppers...and just need to uphold my boundaries and know when to stop giving, even though I enjoy helping...but it shouldn't be at the expense of my own well-fare. I need to focus more on relations w/ healthy people now and be a bit more selfish with my time and efforts. It's tough love for INFJ's!

[manifestsunshine]

You need to enforce the boundaries that you create for yourself. When they are not clear, and / or you do not enforce them, you end up falling into the ''am I being too picky' trap.

 

One also needs to understand that the possible consequences of enforcing their own boundaries is to be alone forever. However, the paradox is that people can end up more lonely when they do not enforce their boundaries, because they end up with a person they did not have the faith to reject.

 

When this occurs the form of trap changes from the 'am I being too picky' to the 'is the grass greener?' trap. Then the trap goes from one to the other, and in the middle your true desire remains unmet.

 

Wow! Mind blown!...you're right on the money and thanks for expressing this so eloquently. I totally resonate with this and you're absolutely right. I do realize that boundary-setting is a also a form of self-respect. I have thought about this and would be fine being alone forever. I also need to be more picky than ever bc I've been in long term relationships longer than I should have. I guess I should know better but was temporarily blind-sided. I am definitely not desperate to be in a relationship at all even though I feel pressured at times. I am super happy and comfortable with where I am. I guess when it comes to the holidays, not having an SO is when it really hits hard. Thanks so much for your profound insight!