3 1/2 months NC. Still not over it. He reached out once. GIGS?

[JSparks1212]

My ex broke up with me at the end of July. We were together for 10 months. I was completely blindsided and his reasoning was very unclear, and full of mixed messages. We never fought, and had a very healthy and stable, mature relationship with amazing chemistry. I believed he was the one.

 

This was a 2-stage break up due to my initial shock. The first conversation occurred on vacation. He seemed suddenly distant, and when I asked if everything was alright, he replied that he felt that something was missing and that the spark was gone. He said that I “checked all the boxes” for him, but there was just something missing. He said he hated himself, and knew he would regret his decision to breakup. That he hadn’t been in a long term relationship for 10 years. We talked for hours with him mostly saying that he was sorry and there was nothing more to do. Both of us crying. We finally fell asleep.

 

45 minutes later he wakes me up saying that he loves me, and starts kissing me passionately. I’m obviously very confused, and “I love you” wasn’t something we said to each other yet. I ask him what’s going on, and he acts all confused and says he was sleeping. Not the first time he did that to me.

 

In the morning, we decide to work on our communication and talk about our feelings more, and stay together. I felt like what was missing between us was emotional vulnerability. Especially given that he expressed deep feelings in less inhibited moments.

 

Fast forward 2 weeks later, and he breaks up with me again citing the same obscure reasons. I immediately went into no contact. He texted me 2 weeks later saying, “Hey, I just want to say hi, and I hope you’re doing well.” I did not respond based on many coaches’ advice. It’s now been 3 months since his text. I’m still not over it.

 

We ran into each other last month and had a simple exchange of “hi, how are you?” I made sure to keep it positive. We had a moment where we looked into each others’ eyes, and I could feel the intensity and flood of feelings still. Now he intermittently watches my IG stories (eye roll).

 

He recently ran into some mutual friends and when they asked how he’s been, he said that he doesn’t go out much and “spends a lot of time alone.” Odd response considering he knows they’ll tell me.

 

So my question is: I’ve recently come across new advice that you should respond to any contact from an ex. So now I regret that I did not respond to his text at the time. I know that it is discouraged to reach out on birthdays, but his is next month and since he did reach out the one time, and I never responded, would it be appropriate to send a simple happy birthday text? Or should I interpret that even though I ignored his text, if he were truly interested, he would have reached out again?

[Beachead]

Hey Jsparks1212,

 

I'm sorry for your pain and its quite normal, how you feel.

 

At 3.5 months as a dumpee, things are still fresh for you. You'll still be working through your pain an what happened. You'll still be regretting things and wondering how you could have changed them. You may still have hope that he will come back. I'll tell you right now, that hope is the hardest thing to kill and overcome in your grief. The only thing that can squash it is sufficient time not hearing from him. Once you start to realize he can go months upon months not speaking to you, it'll start to sink in that he can live without you. Reality will begin to settle in for you. Believe it or not, him staying away is the best thing for you..especially if he doesn't see a future with you. It will only be a waste of your time if he continued to be around. It would give you false hope and hold you back.

 

When a person decides to break up, it's not something they just randomly thought about. It's something they were thinking about for awhile before they did the deed. We're talking maybe several months of thought. It's not an easy decision to just up and leave and burn someone, especially when that person hasn't wronged them. They work through a process of pros and cons about the relationship. Eventually they realize this isn't what they want and the challenge then becomes about accepting their decision. Accepting the thought of losing you, of hurting you. There's guilt for it. There's doubt about whether they're making the right call. Lots of thoughts sift through their mind but by the time they decide to end it, they've thought it through. When he broke up with you, he was a good 90% over you...while you had to start from 0%.

 

The reason he backtracked on his decision was because of the guilt and doubt. It's the same reason why he texted you.

 

So don't regret not responding to his text. It wouldn't have made any difference in his decision. If he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you. Not someplace else, away and gone. In choosing to break up with you, he is choosing to be with someone else, whenever it happens. Ultimately, this is the outcome. Giving your feelings, you two cannot be friends. You will carry hope that he may change his mind and he will know that you have feelings so he will have to double-check his words and his behaviour with you all the time. Neither of you will be sincere with eachother. No sincerity, no friendship. Staying in touch with him will only result in you eventually seeing him move on to someone else.

 

I know that's not an easy thing to take. Be patient and be gentle with yourself. Grief is a slow process. It won't be easy but it will get easier.

 

- Beach

Edited November 12, 2019 by Beachead

[ExpatInItaly]

Whether you reach out or not at this point isn't the issue.

 

The underlying problem is that he has shown you a couple times now that he isn't a reliable candidate for a relationship. Going back to that would almost definitely yield another break-up. He wasn't all in with you and felt it was better to be single than to continue the relationship.

 

My sense is that he texted out out of guilt. He felt bad for hurting you and hoped you were doing alright so he could alleviate himself of some of those guilty feelings. A lot of dumpees read far more into messages like that than they should, and misinterpret them as signs of interest.

 

Personally, I would not try to resuscitate this one.

[Mr. Lucky]

would it be appropriate to send a simple happy birthday text?

 

What's your honest objective in doing so?

 

Seems like a case of "be careful what you wish for". Any reconciliation puts you back in a relationship with a closed-off partner who's already dumped you twice.

 

Doesn't sound like a happy ending ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PegNosePete]

I’ve recently come across new advice that you should respond to any contact from an ex. So now I regret that I did not respond to his text at the time.

What do you think would have changed if you had responded? Do you think he would have changed his mind about breaking up and that you'd be back together? As mentioned above, he already dumped you twice, do you really think third time's the charm? No, it would have ended the same way, guaranteed, and you'd have wasted a few more months of your life on an uncommitted guy.

 

No, at this point you need to accept that the relationship is over and your only objective is to get over it and move on. And the best way to do that is NC.

 

What you're doing currently is NOT NC. You need to stop stalking is IG (how do you know he watches your stories?). You need to stop asking mutual friends about him, and if they mention him first you need to cut them off and tell them you're not interested and don't want to hear his name again. That is what NC means - no contact - direct or indirect.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

What I've come to realize is that if someone you've been in a relationship with can dump you and then go months without contact, he/she doesn't have deep enough feelings for you. (The one breadcrumb text he sent doesn't count.)

 

If you reach out, you'll only be taking yourself back to square one emotionally.