Have I become the backup girl?

[Cora]

So I met this guy on Match. He messaged me first and came off as really enthusiastic. After a day or two of talking non stop on the dating app he asked for my number and we continued chatting through text. He would normally initiate the conversation and he texted me daily all throughout the day until we went to bed. He would sometimes apologize to me for not texting as much as he was busy packing because he was moving to a new apartment the following weekend. I found it odd for him to apologize since he was texting me quite a bit and he didn’t come off as distant or too busy to chat at all.

 

Earlier last week he asked to meet up for dinner tonight after work and I agreed. This past Thursday he sent me a text saying he was sorry, but would have to reschedule our date because his ex wife just let him know that she had a work meeting tonight and didn’t have childcare. (He has a 5 year old daughter whom he gets every other weekend). I didn’t think anything of it at the time and told him no worries! However, communication has gone downhill from there.

 

I heard nothing from him all day Friday and all day Saturday. I did not contact him either as I figured he was just busy moving. Sunday morning I sent him a text asking how the moving was going? Almost four hours later he responds and says “horrible! I don’t think I’ll ever get out from under all these boxes.” No communication from him since. Now I do believe that he’s actually busy with moving, but it’s just odd that he was so enthusiastic before and found time to text me non stop even when he was supposedly busy packing. Also ever since the communication has dwindled to a halt it shows him online on the dating app every time I log on. So apparently he has time to go on the app, but not to text.

 

I sent him a text this afternoon telling him if he’s lost interest and would no longer like to meet it’s fine and I wouldn’t be mad...just let me know. He responded almost immediately this time saying he definitely had not lost interest, but he has just been crazy busy as the moving is turning out to be a lot harder than he thought and that a bunch of junk came up with work.

 

I am wondering though if perhaps a better option came along and he scheduled a date tonight with another girl he met and has just been busy with her. Using the whole childcare excuse as the reason he could not meet me tonight. And maybe he’s just keeping me around in case things don’t work out with this other girl? What do you guys think? Am I being used a second option in case option number one doesn’t work out? Or should I give him the benefit of the doubt? I haven’t contacted him anymore and don’t plan to. I figure if he does ever want to meet up he’ll get in touch.

[divegrl]

I would let him initiate the next contact.

 

AND

 

This contact should include him asking you on a formal date. Otherwise he is just looking for text ego boosts.

 

Have a beautiful day my friend.

[beentheredonethat77]

I nearly wrote to give him the benefit of doubt with moving as thats so stressful/time consuming but then i re-read what you wrote about no messages all day Friday/Saturday after Thursday cancel. If he'd spent the evening with his 5 year old daughter, and he had high interest, he would have messaged you Friday for sure to apologize again and re-schedule.

 

I think you may be right...If i were to guess, i'd say Thursday sounds like an opportunity came up with a girl (maybe even out of his league) that he thinks couldn't pass up, so played the childcare card to make the date happen. She may have grabbed his attention, maybe even infatuated him a little and it was probably she who he was focussed on messaging Friday and Saturday.

 

I would back right away OP, i would probably have a bad taste in my mouth about this guy now, because even if he starts chasing again, i'd always wonder was it because the other girl passed him up and he came back to me (fall back girl like you said!).

 

The only part i dont get though is why would he be life on the dating app if he met someone specifically, does he only chat on there usually or does he usually take it to another chat app? If hes just on there looking at all options, then maybe not one girl specifically and just simply decided you weren't for him and wanted to put his fishing rod back in the water to see what else was out there.

 

Id try to move on from this guy. Show him you are high value and he needs to work hard to get your attention again.

[Cora]

That’s just it....one of the reasons he asked me for my number was because he said he doesn’t log on to the dating app much which was true at the time because when he was texting me non stop he never showed as being logged into the app whenever I would log on. Now every time I log on day or night it shows him as being online. So I don’t know if there is a glitch in the app or he really is on that much now.

 

Anyway, I kind of feel silly now believing he was actually interested in me when he probably wasn’t or at least not enough not to pursue a better option. I mean it’s one thing to meet me in person and then decide I’m not his cup of tea, but to decide I’m not even worth his time to meet kind of stings. But I guess that’s the nature of the game. I don’t intend on contacting him again and like you said, even if he does get back in touch and wants to meet I’ll always feel second best. So yeah, that bitter taste is already in my mouth. Not sure if I could get over that at this point

Edited November 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Ruby Slippers]

Your intuition is probably right. I'd be talking to other men and put him way on the back burner, definitely wouldn't initiate contact again.

 

If a man really wants to meet you, he's gonna make it happen.

[lakerman34]

As a man who sometimes texts as this man also does (sometimes enthusiastically, some times with a lot of pauses, sometimes just sporadically), here is my take:

 

1) He either is an over-analyzer and thinks that he has texted you way too enthusiastically, that you may be losing interest, so he is trying to slow it down

 

2) He isn't that into you, but he feels bad ghosting you all the way

 

3) He's genuinely busy and dating isn't on the forefront of his mind.

 

Either you or he needs to just ask the other out already, cement the details. If either is wishy-washy, I would just call it what it is and end communication.

[MeadowFlower]

It doesn't necessarily mean there's another girl on the scene. He could be literally busy. But his interest level may have dropped a bit. Don't chase him, let him come to you.

[Cora]

I just wish he would be honest about his interest level. I’m seriously doubting the whole being super busy explanation now. He was just on the dating app earlier today. So he isn’t too busy for that, but too busy to text. I practically gave him an out when I asked if he had lost interest. All he had to do was say “you know, I actually don’t think we are a good match afterall.” I don’t understand why it’s so hard for people to be honest with each other. He also mentioned that he wouldn’t string me along like that if he had lost interest, but I have realized people who say that usually do exactly that. I know I shouldn’t be this bothered by it as he is still a stranger to me, but I am.

[Lotsgoingon]

It's YOUR job to figure out his interest level. People, especially wishy-washy types and people whose lives are messy ... don't announce their interest level. The exception in some case might be players and people who just want sex. But even guys who just want sex, will sometimes hide this behind the "I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now."

 

But ... I'll go deeper. In reality, you do NOT need to care about his interest level. That's the mistake you're making.

 

Only judge him on the interest and consistency he SHOWS! Period. People interested in us will get in a car and drive to us at 3 a.m. in the morning.

 

People interested in us will make it priority #1 to make clear they are interested in us. If they are inept at doing so, then they lack the basic skills required for a relationship.

 

When a guy is interested, you'll know. If you have to ask ... whether with friends or here ... then the answer is no, something is up. Keep moving.

 

Please don't wait for the guy to be "honest." I'm a guy and heck very few flaky women are upfront about their flakiness and what's going on. I have to make that judgment based on their actions!

[Ruby Slippers]

He's not going to tell you that because this way he's more likely to be able to count on you being available as a backup option when nothing else is going on. Hopefully you have enough self-respect not to do that.

 

I don't get asking someone if he's lost interest. If you have to ask that, it's a lost cause.

 

If a guy is interested, you won't ever have to wonder. He'll make everything 100% abundantly clear.

[basil67]

I would caution you against asking men to express their interest level. Not only do you give your power away, but he could respond saying all kinds of things which may or may not be true and this will just confuse things further. So hold your questions and quietly judge by the behaviour you're seeing. Then make a decision accordingly.

[MeadowFlower]

People interested in us will make it priority #1 to make clear they are interested in us.

 

This here.

[smackie9]

What I don’t understand is why would anyone, in the middle of a move, be workin on trying to get a date. I know it would be the furthest thing from my mind. I think this guy is jerkin ya around.

[Cora]

What I don’t understand is why would anyone, in the middle of a move, be workin on trying to get a date. I know it would be the furthest thing from my mind. I think this guy is jerkin ya around.

 

I thought that was odd too. He even mentioned to me that trying to date in the middle of moving probably wasn’t the best idea. I think you could be right about him jerking me around.

[Cora]

Thanks everyone for the replies. It’s helped me see things a bit more clearly. I guess I’m just disappointed and got my hopes up too fast and was really looking forward to at least meeting him. After weeding through all the bots, fake profiles, the guys who only wanted sex and the ones I didn’t feel compatible with....he was the first one who appeared to be decent and we seemed to have so much in common. The conversations flowed smoothly and effortlessly. But appearances can be deceiving. He sure fooled me. Back to the drawing board.

[hippychick3]

When doing OLD, it’s super important to not get invested or overly interested in anyone before actually meeting in person. Until then, you are complete strangers to each other. Too much texting/talking before an actual date leads to false intimacy which is what seems to have happened here. Stay detached until you meet and expect to meet up as soon as possible (within a few days to a week at most).

[Cora]

When doing OLD, it’s super important to not get invested or overly interested in anyone before actually meeting in person. Until then, you are complete strangers to each other. Too much texting/talking before an actual date leads to false intimacy which is what seems to have happened here. Stay detached until you meet and expect to meet up as soon as possible (within a few days to a week at most).

 

Thanks! Yeah, we were supposed to meet after a few days of talking, but he had to cancel. I really need to work on not getting too invested so quickly.

[Redhead14]

I don't understand why there are expectations of any kind. You've never even met him in person. I don't see why anyone would make a person they've never met a priority, especially when big changes/moves are being made. You're applying logic in terms of communication expectations that is more for a scenario that included an actual date(s). Sure, if the guy had been out with you already and really liked you and was in the middle of moving, you might expect to have a little more consistent communication during the move. But, at the same time, I wouldn't expect a lot either.

 

Sit back and relax and let the dust settle for him and then see what happens. If he doesn't actually schedule a date fairly soon if he resurfaces, then delete him. That's all. Right now he's just a guy on the other side of a keyboard.

[smackie9]

I'm still going with the logic if he had all that time to text, he would have time to meet up for a 45 min coffee date. BUT there's no tell what's really going on whether he's legitimately too busy or he's got a few on the hook and is weighing his options. I agree just let it ride and see if he steps up. You have already invested more than enough.

[kendahke]

He was just on the dating app earlier today. So he isn’t too busy for that, but too busy to text.

 

That means he's not checking for you. Being on an app swiping doesn't take much effort. Texting with someone does--it requires focus that he doesn't want to give.

 

He's not going to text because it's not high on his priority list--it's on his "something to do when there's nothing else to do" list.

Edited November 13, 2019 by kendahke

[Ruby Slippers]

When doing OLD, it’s super important to not get invested or overly interested in anyone before actually meeting in person. Until then, you are complete strangers to each other. Too much texting/talking before an actual date leads to false intimacy which is what seems to have happened here. Stay detached until you meet and expect to meet up as soon as possible (within a few days to a week at most).

Great advice. You don't know much at all until you meet in person.

[Cora]

Well there is not much else to be said. I deleted his number from my contacts. At this point even if he did resurface I don’t really care to hear whatever excuse he may have.

[Ruby Slippers]

Good call.