brokenhearted91 Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 So I went for my birthday night out a few weeks ago, and while I was in a bar, I had my eye on this guy. Absolutely gorgeous, way out of my league. That was until his friend invited my group of friends over. Drinks flowed, and somehow I ended up kissing this guy and spent most of the remainder of the evening with him. I gave him my number, but I didn’t get his. Thought that was it, wouldn’t see him again, ahh well. Then I had a missed call off a random number, and eventually figured out it was him. He is a terrible texter, right off the bat, and he knows it. From what I gather, he has self confidence issues and is very lonely. He tells me he cares for his Dad most of the time, who is unwell as well as working full time. So we’d text, but very sporadically. He even stopped responding at all for about a week, and when he did he was like “I’m so sorry, I do this all the time, I’m a nightmare, I just go off the radar, I’m just really down”. I ended up going round to his one Friday evening, and we slept together. I was all for it just being sex and expected not to see him again. But we’ve been out a few times since, and we’ve been for a drink and I’ve stayed over at his. He’s never made me feel like he’s in a rush to get me out the next day, and is always a great host. And little things like holding my hand in the car when we’re driving etc which are quite sweet, we get on well when we’re together and conversation flows and we have stuff in common. Again, texting is awful and it’s hit and miss if and when he texts (but it’s always been like that from the beginning). I held off texting for a few days, and then text asking if we could do something the next night. And he said “yeah, I’ll take you somewhere, I know where we can go”. The next day I said what time are we going and he said “Im really sorry, but my Dad is really unwell, I’m worried about him” which is legit, and totally fine. But since then, I’ve barely heard anything from him at all. And now I’m like ok where do I stand? If you don’t wanna see me anymore that is totally fine but please just let me know so I’m not analysing stuff. Or is it that he’s just done his usual disappearing off the radar thing again. I did text basically saying that, asking if I’d done anything wrong, and he said “you haven’t, I’m weird, sorry xxx” which made me feel better. But then I’ve sent snapchats which he’s opened and hasn’t replied to or anything. This kinda thing has happened to me a lot over the last 18 months, where someone just either ghosts me or changes their mind, and I can’t work out why. So maybe I’m slightly more paranoid than the normal person. But I just wanna know what a neutral perspective is of it all?
lakerman34 Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 (edited) What was your goal with this guy? He sounds a little broken. He needs to get over his "I'm going off radar" thing before he can properly date someone. My advice would be to just move on. People are fickle. One day you date someone and everything is just right. Edited November 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
Author brokenhearted91 Posted November 11, 2019 Author Posted November 11, 2019 Erm at first it was just a physical sex/attraction thing for me - but the more time i've spent with him and actually spoke to him, and found we've got a lot in common, he's intelligent and has very similar views to me on a few things, i've kinda thought about it in a different way. I just don't want him to ghost me - if he doesn't wanna see me again or whatever, as disappointed as I'd be, that is fine, but I wanna know. I'm the sort of person who constantly tries to think what I've done wrong. I'm just worried i'll never hear from him again.
lakerman34 Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 (edited) @brokenhearted91... This may sound cold, but if you don't hear from him again, honestly, life goes on. I was just speaking to a friend about ghosting. People do it. It's ****ty. It's immature. Honestly, change your perspective. If he IS ghosting you, that means he's a man without integrity. He's a man without courage. If you were to be with him, you would be with a man without integrity and courage. Every conflict you'd have with him (and every couple has their conflicts), every interaction he has with the world, his reaction would be that of someone without integrity, without courage, and with lack of communication. He might be a good guy, but he's broken and not 100% whole. Don't be in the business of trying to fix others. Move on. Edited November 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Author brokenhearted91 Posted November 11, 2019 Author Posted November 11, 2019 Like do I continue to try and reach out (knowing that in the past he has been ****, and never really text first and it's usually me) or do I leave it (I've convinced myself it'll piss him off... but have nothing to really back that up) Unsure how to proceed basically! I'm rubbish at doing nothing and just waiting lol!
Ruby Slippers Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 One thing I've learned is that people don't change much, so take them as they are from the get-go, or if you can't do that then move on. He told you clearly in words and actions how he communicates - poorly and sporadically: He is a terrible texter, right off the bat, and he knows it. He even stopped responding at all for about a week, and when he did he was like “I’m so sorry, I do this all the time, I’m a nightmare, I just go off the radar, I’m just really down”. If it were me, based on this, I never would have gotten involved with this guy, as steady, reliable communication is critical to me in dating/relationships. If that isn't present, I'm much happier single. I'm the sort of person who constantly tries to think what I've done wrong. This sounds like low self-esteem, which is a very common issue. You didn't do anything wrong. He's just being who he is and who he was and who he came right out and told you he was from the beginning. Accept him as he is, or don't and move on. 2
lakerman34 Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 Like do I continue to try and reach out (knowing that in the past he has been ****, and never really text first and it's usually me) or do I leave it (I've convinced myself it'll piss him off... but have nothing to really back that up) Unsure how to proceed basically! I'm rubbish at doing nothing and just waiting lol! Honestly, who cares how he feels? Stop reaching out. His communication is poor, it's not your job to communicate to him AND rectify his lack of communication skills. If he truly cares, that would be something he would work on. Again, don't waste your time trying to "fix" someone else. Drop this guy like a bad habit and move on. 2
Author brokenhearted91 Posted November 11, 2019 Author Posted November 11, 2019 Maybe it is a bad combination - someone with low self esteem and constantly thinking they're doing something wrong/not good enough/seeks reassurance with someone who isn't the best at communicating and texting. I think a lot of it boils down to having bad experiences in the past with people, having a bad gut feeling about them and then being proved right, now i automatically assume i'm right in this scenario. I know he's told me i haven't done anything wrong, but that also doesn't mean he still wants to see me. If he does, great and I need to get my head around the fact he's a **** texter.
FMW Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 His father being unwell is a lot to deal with emotionally on top of working full time. He probably doesn't have much energy left to deal with anything else in a consistent and reliable way. Believe him when he says it's not you and don't invest anymore of your time or emotion in him. The question isn't whether or not HE wants to see YOU, but whether you're willing to accept what (little) he's offering. As for your experiences over the last 18 months, a lot of relationships don't work out and sometimes people are uncaring or rude about how they move on. Don't internalize it, just keep looking for something better. 1
lakerman34 Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 (edited) I know he's told me i haven't done anything wrong, but that also doesn't mean he still wants to see me. If he does, great and I need to get my head around the fact he's a **** texter. "I need to get my head around the fact he's a **** texter" -- this made me facepalm so hard. It is not YOUR job to rectify HIS inability to communicate soundly. That's something that HE needs to worry about, not YOU. YOUR job in this situation is to turn around and walk away. If he comes back to you (not the other way around), and swears he'll work on his communication skills and PROVES that he is working on it, then MAYBE you can reconsider. You have NO reason to justify his shortcomings. Stop doing it! Edited November 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Melrose78 Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 This guy can't give you what you want. He never will be able to. The more time you invest in him, the harder it will be to walk away. I've been there. I've liked a guy who had a lot of mental health issues. It never changed. And I got hurt. 3
chillii Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 (edited) What do you care you didn't expect anything else anyway you just wanted to sleep with him you said. But , you say it's happened to you a lot ahh, those two things pretty well tells the story right there. He knew you were goggling him, got the goods and now he's done, same as what everyone else did.They only did it because you allowed it in the first place. Edited November 11, 2019 by chillii 2
preraph Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 I've been in a similar situation. My sister was in the hospital in bad shape for 6 months and in addition to my two jobs I was having to take care of her business and keep her house from being repossessed. It is both overwhelmingly busy and very depressing. I reached the point where I could not handle anything else. So don't take it personally and don't expect it to change until well after the estate is settled after his father dies which also take several months. I think the best approach would be do not demand ongoing chat or dates but two keep it more sparse and the not as frequent but be consistent about it and when you do see him unless he just brings it up, try to just be lighthearted and entertaining to give him a break from all the pressure and stress he's under. of course at some point if you keep seeing each other you could probably really help him out by helping take care of his household a little to take some pressure off him. I had to just cut ties with someone I was interested in at the time because I just didn't have the headspace for it. That's what happens sometimes
spiderowl Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 It may be true that his father is very ill and true that he is a rubbish texter. You do not have to accommodate any of this if he is unavailable. He may not want a relationship because of family stresses or just because he doesn't. I think you need to set standards of what you expect from a guy. Consistent and clear communication is important - excuses for poor communication wear thin after a couple of days. He saying 'this is how I am, put up or shut up' (in a subtle way of course). Do you want to put up with hopeless communication, with not knowing where you stand? I doubt it. It would not be wise to wait around for this guy, thus giving him control. If you do want a relationship with him, he needs to learn from the off that you will not hang around for him if he does not keep in touch. Keep yourself busy with other things. Do not chase him. If he wants you, he will have to come looking for you and make an effort. If he thinks he can send erratic texts when he feels like it and that you will be hanging round to dote on him regardless of his behaviour, then he will mess you around.
Author brokenhearted91 Posted November 12, 2019 Author Posted November 12, 2019 Thank you for all your replies. I think one of my downfalls is I am overly emotional and I do fall for people quicker than some. For me it was just sex (when I first met him I didn't think we'd have anything in common/would like each others company) but the more I have spent time with him and he's taken me out for drinks not just meeting for sex at his place, I've thought there is more to him than I thought. That teamed with the fact I'm too emotional and caring for my own good sometimes makes me find it hard to just go "ahh well, walk away and protect myself" - I either want answers or want to help someone, and in the worst case like this one, I want both. I'd advise other people to walk away, to chill it out and what happens happens, but when it comes to me Im so impatient that I just find it difficult. It consumes me, and I know it isn't healthy way to be but I find it hard to get out of that rut. I know his Dad is ill, but he has been for many years, so it's one of those where you don't know how long the situation is going to last. And it really bugs me when people are online and post on other social media platforms but don't speak to you. Thing is, he hasn't ignored anything i've sent him (he has generally over the time i've known him, but again that has been a common pattern, he has always popped back up again if I've text again or whatever) so really why should now be any different? In my head, i'm not good enough. everyone shows interest and then realises I'm too fat, too ugly, not funny enough to persue. He was in a long term relationship (5 years) and it's been nearly 12 months since they split- he said it was mutual because they became more like friends etc so he isn't scared of committment. He has also commented that he "never used to be like this" regarding communication.
vla1120 Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 In my head, i'm not good enough. everyone shows interest and then realises I'm too fat, too ugly, not funny enough to pursue. He was in a long term relationship (5 years) and it's been nearly 12 months since they split- he said it was mutual because they became more like friends etc so he isn't scared of commitment. He has also commented that he "never used to be like this" regarding communication. Try getting out of your head! Don't be so hard on yourself. Express interest, then give him space. I would just text him, "Hey, I'm here if you need to talk, or if there's anything else I can do for you, just let me know. Otherwise, I'll give you your space and wait to hear from you." (Or something to that affect - showing interest, but putting the ball in his court.) Then try not to get too tied up in thinking about whether he will respond. If he does, great. If he doesn't, his loss! 1
Author brokenhearted91 Posted November 12, 2019 Author Posted November 12, 2019 Yeah I think that is kinda how I've left it at the moment... I sent a message basically saying "its cool if you don't wanna speak to me anymore but please let me know so I'm not second guessing if I've done something wrong" And he replied "You haven't xxx I'm weird, sorry x" So I just replied basically "it's fine, I know you've got a lot going on, just please tell me if you don't wanna speak/see me anymore so I know if you go quiet it's not cos I've done something wrong. You know where i am, I am a good listener" I've sent a couple of snapchats since that, which he has opened (like after hours/a day later) but he hasn't replied in anyway. Thats the last I've heard. I wish I could just do the whole "if he does, he does, if he doesn't, his loss thing" but my head just dwells!
Lisa_Lisa Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 Because you feel you're not good enough, pretty enough, funny enough, or whatever else enough, you have to remember, MEN WILL REFLECT THAT BACK TO YOU. The perception you have of yourself is a projection you will get back from people. To change all of this, you must change how you think of yourself. Tell yourself, I'm funny enough, I'm pretty enough, I'm good enough over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Keep doing it until your words make an impact on your soul. Once you do that you get stronger internally and then men will treat you right. Suddenly, you'll have men texting you more, asking you out, wanting to drop plans just to be with you...but you have to speak kindly to yourself. Stop it with this guy, that text you sent asking him to tell you if he doesn't want to see you anymore is desperate and it makes you seem lonely with no options. So stop, stop texting him, stop looking for him, stop altogether and he'll come around eventually. Don't give him any power over your emotions otherwise you'll always be hung up on some guy who you feel is not treating you right and then you'll get depressed. You want to be this way for the next 30 years?? It will be exhausting for you. Just repeat those positive words to yourself everyday, several times a day.
lavenderandvelvet Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 I sent a message basically saying "its cool if you don't wanna speak to me anymore but please let me know so I'm not second guessing if I've done something wrong" And he replied "You haven't xxx I'm weird, sorry x" So I just replied basically "it's fine, I know you've got a lot going on, just please tell me if you don't wanna speak/see me anymore so I know if you go quiet it's not cos I've done something wrong. You know where i am, I am a good listener" I concur with the poster above, you need to work on your self esteem and self doubt. Even though you are feeling like you did something wrong, you do not need to imply that when communicating with him. People do not owe you answers to why they have gone quiet, but they may volunteer it. Let them open up to it first. In this case, a shorter response would have been better. "I know you are preoccupied, but if you want to talk or decompress, let's meet up! Reach out when you are free." No self-doubt needed.
Calmandfocused Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 He’s not emotionally available op. I’m also sensing that he’s not in the best place with his mental health at the moment, probably due to all the stress/ pressure that he’s under. You either have to accept how little he can offer at the moment or you don’t. Only you can make that decision. If you’re after a full time, full on relationship then you’re looking in the wrong direction when you’re looking at him.
kendahke Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 (edited) “I’m so sorry, I do this all the time, I’m a nightmare, I just go off the radar, I’m just really down”. Do yourself a favor and believe him and then decide if you want to deal with someone who vaporizes for no reason. He just sounds like he doesn't have it in him to care. Edited November 12, 2019 by kendahke
SumGuy Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 It sounds like he is into you as much as he can be. Don't underestimate how emotionally and physically draining caring for an unwell parent is, I imagine he is young (20-30) so especially hard. Look up emotional trauma and ptsd. You would think it would be "simple," how long does it take to text people will say. It's not the time, it is the emotional energy, it is fear of what to say, what matters?, and you just don't have the energy to maintain a conversation. You may just want to retreat inward as a coping mechanism. I went through this when my mother was sick, but I had to fake it and keep it together for my kids and job, but I had my sister to help. Yet I was in a fog and it took every bit of me to get through it. Add onto that a personality that may not be the greatest at texting, etc. A long way of saying his behavior is most likely situational, not anything about you he doesn't like. It's up to you how much of a support system you wish to be.
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