FMW Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 Anyone have experience with dating a widow or widower? I've been hanging out platonically with a guy for a few months now, not a lot but about every other week. He's a great guy, very popular with everyone. Last week was the one year anniversary of his wife's death. They were married 20 years, he was her primary caretaker for more than a year prior to her death from cancer. They had a happy marriage, the last year of it was rough because of her declining health. On top of dealing with the prospect of losing her he was also her only source to vent her frustration and anger over the situation. I haven't been open to dating for a while now and was comfortable spending time with him as friends because of his situation, knowing he was in no position to be dating either. A mutual friend said she thought he had a crush on me, but I think it's because I've been a sympathetic ear and comfortable companionship. Last night when we parted we hugged as usual but then he kissed me. A few times, and yes I returned the kisses. I don't think this was a major course change for us, but I probably need to be more tuned in to how things proceed. Just curious to hear others' experiences or thoughts on the topic.
snowcones Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 (edited) Anyone have experience with dating a widow or widower? I have no experience with widowers so I have nothing valuable to add, but I just wanted to say that I think this is really cute. Edited November 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
kendahke Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 are you open to things progressing in the romantic vein?
Author FMW Posted November 11, 2019 Author Posted November 11, 2019 Maybe, I'm just very hesitant given his situation. Plus I haven't been dating because of processing my own past relationship issues. I'm not sure either of us is really "available" right now. Whatever happens, it will move slowly I'm sure. My guess is he's no more likely to jump into anything than I am. I'm just trying to get some insight into things. My divorce is a very different experience than his wife dying.
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 I'm divorced and have dated three different widowers. The first one was a year or less from the time his wife committed suicide. The other two lost their wives to cancer. IME it's been no different than dating anyone else. 2
kendahke Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 Live in the now and enjoy it on a day to day basis until you both are ready to progress to something deeper.
Author FMW Posted November 11, 2019 Author Posted November 11, 2019 Thanks for the replies. I hadn't previously considered things taking a more romantic turn and as usual for me, I'm overthinking it now. I was surprised by the response from LivingWater that indicated the experience was no different than any other relationship. That helps me feel less apprehensive about it.
snowcones Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 Okay, just keep going with the flow then. You said you're already hesitant but yet you two still kissed. I say whatever you're doing is working. You both feel good with each other and are happy when you're together, so just keep going with that.
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 Thanks for the replies. I hadn't previously considered things taking a more romantic turn and as usual for me, I'm overthinking it now. I was surprised by the response from LivingWater that indicated the experience was no different than any other relationship. That helps me feel less apprehensive about it. All of the men talked about their late wives which seemed healthy to me. 1
Author FMW Posted November 11, 2019 Author Posted November 11, 2019 Yes, this guy has talked about his wife with me, and as I mentioned I think that's part of what has him interested in me - my willingness to listen and give encouragement when needed. He's a popular guy, as I mentioned, and there are plenty of women circling him. I think he feels a little put off by that at least for the moment. 1
snowcones Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 Yes, this guy has talked about his wife with me.... What did he say?
Author FMW Posted November 11, 2019 Author Posted November 11, 2019 Mostly he's talked about her illness and then dealing with her death. But also, as part of getting to know each other, he's mentioned things his wife said about him that helped explain his personality, what their "roles" were in the marriage (she took care of finances, he jokes that he was there for getting things from the top shelves - he's 6'7"), basic things like that. Nothing that seemed odd to me. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 You approach Mr. Widower the same way you approach someone else. First, you ask, Is this someone I am possibly interested in for a romance? You'v spent deep time with him, so I assume your feelings should be clear at this point. Assuming you're willing to investigate romance, the next question is, Is this someone who can love me and treat me the way I want to be loved and treated? Now in this case, the answer to the second question is connected to how open you feel he is to new love ... and a new relationship ... and how healed he is from the loss. You want think about how ready he is in a calculated way. If he's not, you don't pursue or show interest. Be brutally honest: would you be up for hearing him talk about the wife a lot? But hold on!!!!!He kissed you three times? On the lips or on the cheek?. Three times sounds like romantic interest. I never kiss "friends" three times--even on the cheek. Am I missing something? Seems he likes you ... But that doesn't answer your question: do you like him in a romantic way? ... and do you think he can able give you what you want? And are you comfortable with someone who's going to need to talk about his deceased white quite a bit?
Author FMW Posted November 12, 2019 Author Posted November 12, 2019 (edited) Thanks for the additional responses. Your post was especially helpful, Lotsgoingon. I have to give it some serious thought. He doesn't have kids, something we have in common. The kisses were on the lips and definitely romantic. But I think right now he might just be starting to come out of the grief enough to feel again, so I'm not taking it as any more than an in-the-moment thing. I'm also not clear on my own feelings. So I'll just see how things go, but pay closer attention than I have up to this point to any signs or signals. Until those kisses I hadn't thought much if at all about a romantic relationship with him. Edited November 12, 2019 by Finding my way
Lotsgoingon Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 (edited) Three kisses as an in-the-moment thing?!I don't get it. People go out of their way, like 20 miles east and then 50 miles south, to avoiding kissing people they don't really like even one time. Did you enjoy the kisses or not? Did you get turned on or swept away or not? Did the kisses feel inappropriate? Do you think of him in a romantic, sexual way? I cannot believe you don't have any feelings good or bad, friendship or romance, at this point. You never fantasized about wanting more with him during the time he leaned on you? I know there are people who are slow to know their feelings or slow to feelings in the first place, but you got to realize you are now an actor in a drama. And this drama has started ... it started with the three kisses! As the acting coaches would say, "So actor, what is character's motivation here? What does your character want?" Edited November 12, 2019 by Lotsgoingon
snowcones Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 Thanks for the additional responses. Your post was especially helpful, Lotsgoingon. I have to give it some serious thought. He doesn't have kids, something we have in common. The kisses were on the lips and definitely romantic. But I think right now he might just be starting to come out of the grief enough to feel again, so I'm not taking it as any more than an in-the-moment thing. I'm also not clear on my own feelings. So I'll just see how things go, but pay closer attention than I have up to this point to any signs or signals. Until those kisses I hadn't thought much if at all about a romantic relationship with him. Yes! And this has been working for you, so I would continue to do this. There is no need to think deeply about this, or analyze or even pay more attention, as you said. Just keep doing what you've already been doing.
Author FMW Posted November 12, 2019 Author Posted November 12, 2019 (edited) I enjoyed the kisses, they didn't feel brotherly or inappropriate. But I don't feel any strong attraction, either romantically or sexually. I have definite interest in him - I just don't know to what extent. I think the overriding thing for me is that I just don't see how he can possibly be ready to move on after just one year. He seems to be handling things really well, but still - it's only been one year. My father died 3 1/2 years ago and my mother is offended when people ask her if she wants to date, she's still very faithful to his memory. I know she's 20 years older and was married more than twice as long, but still, those conversations with her have stuck with me. She's very attractive and gets plenty of male attention, even in her 70s. I've seen him as a wounded soul, and not an option for romantic interest. He hasn't moved out of that category for me yet. The kisses surprised me. I'm not sure if that means I'm just not interested enough or if it's self protection, I don't want to fall for him if I'm just helping him through a period of transition. That's why I was curious about others' experience. Edited November 12, 2019 by Finding my way
alphamale Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 I personally would never get involved with anyone who lost their spouse only a year ago.
Lotsgoingon Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 I also wouldn't get involved with someone who lost a spouse within a year ... maybe two. But ... of course ... if time with this person was spectacularly good, then I might be open to it. I think you were right in an earlier post thinking he may be crushin' on you simply because you were there, and he's coming alive again. Just don't get caught allowing things to go further than YOU want simply out of desire to not offend him. Saying "no" and drawing limits ... will be good for his recovery in bringing him back to reality.
Cersei Posted November 12, 2019 Posted November 12, 2019 If you are unsure about your feelings towards him, ask yourself this.... If he started dating another woman how would you feel? If the answer is jealous, you like him. But if the answer is happy for him, most likely you are only ever going to be friends.
Author FMW Posted November 12, 2019 Author Posted November 12, 2019 Hmm, Cersei, I think I might feel a little of both. Thanks for all the responses. I think I'll follow snowcones advice and just see what happens. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted November 13, 2019 Posted November 13, 2019 Whenever in the past I've just gone along to see what happens, I ended up in some bad relationship without feeling like I made any kind of decision along the way. Just me. I had terrible boundaries at the time. You sound like you have good boundaries. Just be honest about what you're feeling--all along the way--that's the key to boundaries.
Author FMW Posted November 13, 2019 Author Posted November 13, 2019 Yes, you're right about boundaries. In the past I have NOT had good boundaries, but I think I've learned the hard way. I'm going to see what happens, as in see how he acts, keep watching how he handles everything in general. Pay attention to what I'm feeling. Now that we've kissed I'll be more careful about my responses to him. I just honestly didn't think about that happening. I don't intend to just drift into anything ever again. 2
Author FMW Posted December 22, 2019 Author Posted December 22, 2019 Just thought I'd update this thread. My friendship with the widower has gotten closer, but we haven't kissed again. I really like him as a friend, still not sure I would ever feel too romantic about him, so I'm happy with the situation. Haven't felt any need to "talk" about it with him. He's occasionally a little flirty with me, and a few of our mutual friends, men and women, tell me he definitely has a crush on me. We get invited as a pair sometimes to parties. But I think he's realized he's just not ready to be romantically involved with anyone yet, the kiss was just a test that probably showed him that. He's still working through the grief and loss, and as his friend I feel honored that he trusts me with opening up at times about it. I don't make any moves on him at all, since I'm not sure I would be interested in that way anyway, so it's working out for both of us at least for now. I'm not going to buy any trouble by worrying about what happens in the future, just enjoy things as they are now. But as to "dating" a widower, I think I would be hesitant with someone I knew I had definite romantic interest in. So I got to figure that out without actually officially dating one!
Recommended Posts