My third failed marriage!

[Argentina]

I have recently separated from my third husband due to him abusing me (see my post "Can an Abuser Reform?"

At the moment my husband swings back and forth from accepting responsibility for his abuse to blaming me for causing it in the first place. We have been together 6 years. During the first 3 years of our relationship I said and did some things that he says he cannot get over and this keeps him in a perpetual state of anger towards me. The sort of things I did relate to me being over-critical of him, nit-picking, complaining about things. Not being considerate of his need to sleep when he had come off a night shift at work, not having a cup of coffee ready for him when he came home. Having a go at him when he crashed our car in an accident that he was at fault. One of the worst things was the time we were moving overseas. There were legal issues relating to selling a property and I just wanted to get travelling so I could be with my family for my mother's 60th birthday. In a moment of frustration at the whole situation I suggested that maybe our daughter and I should just go on ahead and he can come later when all the house stuff was sorted out. He was very insulted by this and consequently has never forgiven me and reminds me what a dreadful thing it was for me to say to him. This event took place 4 years ago and he still brings it up now. I have tried really hard to make amends for all this. I have been to counselling both individually and with him to discuss these issues. I have apologised and I have made a big effort to consider his needs and not be so critical. Both he and I agree that there has been a big improvement. However, for the past three years he has been abusive towards me. Basically I am getting the message that I made him so angry at what I did that I have turned him into an abuser. He was never abusive to previous partners.

Now he is saying that he can't see how he is going to get over all this past stuff I did and said to him, so maybe divorce is the only option. This is my third marriage. My first was when I was very young and we both grew apart. It was quite amicable. The second was with a man that also had abusive tendencies, was extremely depressed and talked about suicide all the time. He left me because I was "such a bitch to him", over-critical etc. I had another long-term relationship after this and we went out separate ways because we both wanted different things. I don't think I treated him any differently to how I have treated anyone else and he loved and accepted me the way I was and we are still friends today. Now I find myself back in the position of another marriage break-up. My mother is supportive, but I know my Dad and my Sister will just be thinking this was all my doing. Just hopeless in relationships etc. I can't bear the thought of going through all the legal and financial stuff for the third time! The house I am living in I have bought 3 times already, having to remortgage each time to pay-out the ex-husbands. I love this home and my lifestyle. I run a part-time business from home. My children are settled in the community and school. I guess I just don't want to do that whole divorce thing all over again. Maybe I should just accept him back and take his abuse as punishment for all my wrongs. Perhaps that is what I need to accept. At least then I still have my home, my lifestyle, my work and security for my children. My husband and I still have good times in between the abusive times. So it's not all bad. I know my friends think I am completely mad to be thinking like this. I appreciate they care about my well-being. At the moment I feel like a complete freak. I am only in my mid 30's and failing at my third marriage. could make a comedy soapie out of this one!

[RecordProducer]

What I've noticed through your post is that you sound very calm and sane although you're going through a difficult situation.

Nobody can advise you to get divorced, it should be your decision. And your husband's. I think you shouldn't be affected by the society's norms as to how many times you should get married. Why would it be okay to be in 10 relationships and live with those people and not okay to be married 5 times? So forget the prejudice. You're still young and have time to find true love if you get divorced.

 

Your problem is obviously that you're being over-critical. It's possible that your partner would call you selfish, stubborn, emotionally cold or whatever compliments, but he is definitely non-forgiving. People make a lot of mistakes through life and without the ability to forgive we become frustrated, bitter, and often abusive. Some of us have faults that trigger the worst in some people.

 

So perhaps it's not a great idea to mix two people who don't complement each other together. Your ex-boyfriend didn't mind your behavior. Or maybe he had enough authority and self-respect in front of which you were in awe. You were obviously the strong one in the relationship with your husband; that's why you criticized him like a mother. He expressed his weakness through abusive reactions. Actually his abuse over you was just a reaction to how you made him feel - weaker than he is.

 

How much you love each other, how you got along in your marriage, and your readiness to work things out should determine whether you should give it a try or split up. You both need to work on your marriage a lot if you want to stay together. I was in an unhappy marriage and I wanted to work on it, but my ex decided to divorce me. I was desperate but I got over in a couple years and now I am really happy with another man. So basically I am always pro-change rather than go back to the same old pain. But don't refer to my experience please, it has to be your decision.

[Outcast]

I completely disagree with RP.

 

Your problem is obviously that you're being over-critical

 

That's ridiculous. Abusers always blame their partners for being 'too picky' or 'too critical' when the abused dares to protest the abuse.

 

You were obviously the strong one in the relationship with your husband; that's why you criticized him like a mother. He expressed his weakness through abusive reactions. Actually his abuse over you was just a reaction to how you made him feel - weaker than he is.

 

This is a complete load of bullshxt. There is NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE!

Again, the abuser will always claim that the abused 'drove him to it'. It's crap.

 

How much you love each other, how you got along in your marriage, and your readiness to work things out should determine whether you should give it a try or split up.

 

I could not disagree more. In the case of abuse, there is no reason to 'give it a try'. He's a bad deal and potentially dangerous to you and your kids. So you have made more than one mistake - lots of people do it. Just don't jump into any more relationships. Get rid of this jerk and go it alone for a few years. Learn how you get mixed up with the wrong sorts of people and break the pattern - with help if you can't do it alone.

[RecordProducer]

Oops... I just read your thread where you describe in which way he is abusive. Sorry, hun, you should've stated here that he was physically abusive. Many people call emotional/verbal abuse simply - abuse. So assumed that he was just yelling at you or ignoring you or something like that.

 

No woman should stay with a physically abusive man or take the blame on herself. Yet you might want to work on your own faults for the sake of your future relationships.

[Argentina]

I know you are both right in telling me that there is no excuse for physical abuse. Even my husband has admitted that, but it doesn't seem to stop him. There are so many issues to consider when divorcing. I've been there twice before. It just seems all too difficult to do it all over again and really not sure if I am strong enough. Thanks for your thoughts though. It is good to hear from complete strangers who know neither myself or my husband and therefore make an unbiased opinion.

[Argentina]

Dear Record Producer,

I just had another comment. I thought it was interesting you noted I sound so calm. The truth is I feel totally dead inside. I don't feel anger or upset. I don't remember the last time I cried. The only thing I can identify emotionally is some fear for the future. This would fit with my overall personality of needing things orderly in my life in order to feel in control. On the outside I continue to run everything smoothly. My house is clean and tidy, my children are well looked after. I am still running my book-keeping business smoothly and professionally and my bills are being paid. On the inside I feel nothing. Sometimes I think maybe that is a good thing because at least I cannot feel any hurt. However, thinking in a logical, intelligent manner I know that it really cannot be a good thing.

[Ladyjane14]

I just took a look at some of your other threads too. Is it possible that you are allowing feelings of guilt to affect your judgement?

 

You stated on other threads that you'd been feeling some attraction towards your Ex. And you've stated that you've said some things to your current husband in the past, which have since been regarded as problematic to the relationship.

 

If you are allowing guilt feelings to color your judgement.....please stop. These things have NOTHING to do with the abuse that you are dealing with today.

 

It's really very common to become distracted, or even obsessive, over an old flame, when the problems you are faced with seem insurmountable. That's not your fault. It's kind of like a subconscious avoidance mechanism. You may not even have any real feelings of attraction for your Ex. He may possibly just represent your desire to return to a more peaceful time in your life....a time when you had a man present in your daily life, but didn't have to live in fear of him.

 

As far as any comments you made previously, which p*ssed your husband off....we ALL occasionally say or do things that make our spouses angry. The difference here is that they don't physically assault us because of it.

 

These are your husband's problems. Not yours. You didn't make him the way he is. And you can't change him or fix him.

[Argentina]

You are probably right about my situation enhancing feelings that I have towards my ex. However, I do not feel guilty about that. My ex and I have a deep respect for each other. Even though the relationship did not work and probably would not work again my ex places no blame on me for the break-down of our relationship and I don't harbour any bitterness towards him. It was almost seven years ago and we just wanted to follow different paths in our lives.

 

What I do feel guilty about is that I am obviously lousy at choosing the right men for me. My mother continually reinforces that thought in my mind, although she is very supportive and does not believe I should accept an abusive relationship. My father and my sister are the worst. I feel sure they think I am a complete idiot when it comes to relationships. Dad makes comments like: "How do you expect to keep a man happy if you can't even cook". It's true....I absolutely hate cooking, but that has never been an issue in my marriage. The most common scenario in our house is my husband is doing the cooking and I am building a retaining wall or repairing something. And that worked fine for us. I have not told my father or my sister about my husband's abuse. I fear they will also think I have done something to cause it. So any guilt I am feeling is related to my continued failures in relationship. Just today, my husband said to me "You should be ashamed of yourself knowing that you are going to break up another marriage. You are such an embarrassment. Why don't you learn from your mistakes?"

[Weird]

Divorce this guy and try being single for a good period of time meaning no abusive relationships, no marriages to have fail on you, etc.

 

You're batting 0-3 now so it may be time you get put on the bench for a while...and dont take that as being bad. Having two marriages where the guy abused you sounds like maybe your judgment is being clouded and you are rushing into these things so you may want to sit back and wait for a real man to be with you not these jackasses.

[Outcast]

Many people call emotional/verbal abuse simply - abuse. So assumed that he was just yelling at you or ignoring you or something like that.

 

Nobody should take any form of abuse. Verbal abuse is not 'just yelling at you'. Uninformed comments like that are completely unhelpful. IF you wish to comment on abuse, you need to do a little reading to comprehend what abuse is, including what verbal abuse is.

 

So any guilt I am feeling is related to my continued failures in relationship. Just today, my husband said to me "You should be ashamed of yourself knowing that you are going to break up another marriage. You are such an embarrassment. Why don't you learn from your mistakes?"

 

So here's what happens: the abuser makes you feel bad and unworthy. He makes you believe that YOU are the guilty party and that you deserve the abuse. Never mind that he deceived you into believing he was a nice guy and that's why you married him. Now he blames you for being innocent enough to believe his lies - and because you've been abused so much, you believe it.

 

It is highly common for people who have been abused to end up in a series of bad relationships, which is not their fault. It's that they have gotten 'reprogrammed' in a way such that they no longer are able to figure out who might be a good partner and who might not. You don't 'deserve' the abuse, nor are you guilty of anything except innocent mistakes.

 

Please, please call a domestic violence helpline and ask for a referral to a counsellor. You have fallen into the 'abused woman syndrome' of thinking you're not good enough. Once you're away from this jerk and in counselling, you'll see how you've been brainwashed by your abuser.