How long do I wait?

[Melrose78]

I started to get to know a guy about 3 weeks ago. We started chatting via OLD. I had come across his profile, and was somewhat surprised how similar ours were.

I messaged him this, which then began us talking for a few days online then via phone.

 

We met a week after we had started talking and felt an instant spark.

I've gone on quite a few dates in the past 3 months. Based on my history I knew I didn't want to rush it. Get to know him and take one step at a time.

 

I soon learnt he lost his bestfriend, his Dad, in July to pancreatic cancer. He passed away 6 weeks after being diagnosed. During this time his girlfriend of 3 years broke up with him.

They did get back together again, but for only a short period of time. She decided for the 5 th time in 2 years she didn't want to be with him.

All of this was happening while he was also getting his Mum out of financial ruin. His parents were in a lot of debt when he's dad passed away.

I knew he hadn't grieved. He admitted he had switched off his emotions so he could soldier on through everything. He the support for his family.

 

Until a few days ago.

He started to crumble.

I wasn't shocked at all. He's gone through hell and back the past few months and it's all hit him like a ton of bricks.

We spoke the other night about it all. He had seen his counselor the day before, which I was glad he did.

And of course, she said he's going through a lot at this time. Very fresh out of a relationship he hasn't grieved yet, and dating isn't a good thing to do at the moment.

I agree 200%.

He said he has huge respect for me, has enjoyed the time we have spent together. He doesn't want to hurt me by risking dating especially after the realisation he's dating way too soon. He was really upset and kept saying he wishes he could wave a magic wand and be past the healing stage.

I told him I do like him a lot. We have a great connection, which is hard to find, and I will wait for him. Not forever, of course. I still have my own healing to do from my previous relationship and this probably a good thing to have happened for the both of us.

I've asked that we have no contact for a few weeks. It didn't last long. He sent a smiley face 2 hrs after talking lol.

 

My question is, under these circumstances, how long should I wait? I do like him a lot but in the same breath we barely know each other.

[preraph]

You should not contact him. He's in a big hurricane right now and can't be relied on to make rational decisions. You shouldn't distract him. Let him know once he feels like he's on his feet again and got some of this stuff off his plate, feel free to contact you. I don't see the point just sending chitchat back and forth. He needs to use his energy otherwise.

[Caauug]

I soon learnt he lost his bestfriend,

 

Maybe he just needs a friend? Someone to talk to or spend time with?

 

He has gone through heaps and will need time healing, this is when he can use his friends.

[Melrose78]

I'm not going to ignore him when he reaches out. I know he feels quite alone at the moment. I have sent him links to a guy I found on YouTube that helped me alot when I broke up with my ex boyfriend. But to be an active part in his life isn't a great idea as well.

If we were to still spend time together it would slow his healing time. And to be honest I would worry where it would put me emotionally. It's too risky for my own mental health.

 

It just saddens me how many people date another, not truely able to commit to the relationship, but stringing them along for their own ego boost. If you question your love for another you end it and leave that person alone.

 

I went through what he's gone through for 4 years. In a weird lol lucky way being cheated on allowed me the push to close the door. His ex hasn't cheated. She's just played him like a puppet. It seems so common.

 

My life's lesson has been to understand my own self worth. If someone starts playing games or I sense I'm just an ego stroke for them I don't hesitate to close the door.

 

I wish people had the capacity to step back and see how their own selfish ways can have a massive impact on others. Treat others the way in which you wish to be treated. Simple!

[elaine567]

I believe you are in a stronger position, there are no ifs, buts or maybes, he cheated, end of relationship, full stop.

But you no doubt are still pretty raw, cheating takes its toll, and taking on someone else to "save" is not going to be good for you.

 

You could become very attached and unfortunately what usually happens is the deeply hurt person gets better under the care and guidance of their saviour.

Feeling refreshed and rejuvenated, they realise they no longer need a "saviour" so move on to "bigger and better" things, leaving the saviour crushed and devastated.

[Gaeta]

You don't wait, you both move on and take care of your respective issues. This guy is more in need of a therapist than a girlfriend. If you stay around you'll be his transition girl, his shrink, his sister, his mother, you'll be it all except a 'girlfriend'. When he's emotionally back on his feet he'll move on but without you because you'll be the reminder of a difficult transition. You won't be synonym of new life.

 

 

Say your good byes and block him.

[Lotsgoingon]

You asked him to not contact you for a few weeks. Uh ... can we get a bit more realistic here?

 

The portrait you draw is of someone who needs more time to heal than three weeks. Sounds more like two to three years of serious work. And yes as Preraph says, this guy sounds like he needs a therapist.

 

Best friends with dad? Hmmmmmm ... and helping mom with debt? Hmmmmmm ...

 

Yes, I've heard of people who are best friends with a parent. But to me, that's a red flag to check on and investigate. Question #1, does he have "other" friends? Other close friends outside the family? There are all kinds of matters one will not talk about with a father or mother--like sexuality, like the problems of your birth family, like new and different religious and political beliefs. That's-why we build friendships outside the family.

 

I wonder: does this guy have adult distance and individualization away from his family? Sounds to me like he's totally tied in with his family--and not in a good way.

 

He's not ready to date, not close to being ready to date.

 

Keep moving--I don't care how good the conversations were.

[preraph]

I wouldn't write the guy off, but he is not in any position emotionally to take on a new relationship. What if he does and then you decide he's not who you hoped and have to dump him on top of all his other recent tragedies? And you'd be stuck hanging in there feeling the guilt of that and what a mess!

 

So you just need to let him know you understand he needs time to mourn his losses and get his strength back. Let him heal, which he should do between himself and any long-term friends or family. You can't jump in here just because you feel bad for him. You don't even know the real guy. You want to date him when he's back to whole so you can see who he is. For all you know, this stuff may set him back and make him homeless if he doesn't handle things well. On the other hand, in three months, maybe he'll be back in the saddle.

 

Let him know if he ever feels like he's whole again and ready to date, to contact you. If he instead wants to lean on you and keep up a dialogue, I just don't see that being in your own best interests and it may set a strange role for you to play in his life, such as mother, caretaker, instead of getting you into a balanced relationship. In other words, you do not need to be taking on some new guy's problems that way and assuming a role. As I believe Elaine said, they just heal and then leave you because the mother/caretaker role isn't a sexy one.

 

Ideally, I hope he lets the contact go down to just occasionally and keeps it light. Don't let him get dependent.

[Versacehottie]

I think it's a question not of "how long to wait" but "how" to wait overall.

 

I agree that you shouldn't write him off but take yourself out of "waiting" mode and live your life, date others and mentally move on. Keep good thoughts about him in your mind but hope on the way back burner. Like you can't latch onto hope. I think you should also let him know to contact you when and if things change for him and you'd be happy to consider it at that time but can't guarantee that you will be single because you are going to live your life.

 

In the meantime, take space from him and really wind down the contact. You don't want to be in the mother, caretaker role and it's not fair to you and sets up the wrong dynamic. If he keeps leaning on you for support and staying in touch, tell him that you like him but need your space in order to not get too attached to someone who is not available. He is most likely to work through his sh*t and miss you and respect you if you insist on some boundary that protects your heart.-- especially if you've told him to feel free to get back to you when he's ready to date again. Otherwise you set yourself up for being strung along.

 

If there comes a time where you don't care anymore or are dating someone else, then you can always reach out to him to be friends (provided you can handle that & won't disrespect your relationship or yourself)...I'm guessing you won't want to do this since knowing him has a dating purpose but sometimes it helps to know that you can do that eventually if you want to (you don't have to share this info with him). Good luck

[Melrose78]

Thanks for the amazing advice guys. It's stuff I've also been thinking about. It helps me know that the steps I'm taking are the right ones.

[smackie9]

I think this experience has taught him he just isn't ready and needs to find other ways to deal with his grief.

[Melrose78]

I think this experience has taught him he just isn't ready and needs to find other ways to deal with his grief.

 

Exactly. And knowing if he ignored it I would get hurt was also enough to admit within himself he's not ready. Wayyyyy too much going on to ignore it.

I had warned him if he didn't face it n stopped just worrying about his family he would possibly have a break down. I've seen it first hand before. He had all the warning signs.

I'm just glad he sought advice from a counselor

[Melrose78]

So chances are I made the mistakes of even asking this. But I guess because it's been on.my mind, I had to ask. He rang me today after I sent a message saying I'm thinking of him n hope hes doing ok.

 

He started saying how he's a lil drunk lol but he has a lot of respect for me and thankyou for being so supportive n understanding. How I'm a great lady etc etc. I said straight out it's been on my mind these past few days. But should I actually wait for him. He said he's trying to find himself again n has no idea how long it will take. The last thing he would want to do is hurt me. His friends have been asking about me n he is happy to be friends. But, of course, can't offer more knowing there's a good chance he could end up hurting me.

It was a super quick convo n I get the feeling he wanted to say more but didn't. Probably worried he would n I would get my hopes up.

 

I just messaged him after it and said I would be proud to call him a friend. He's a rare gem. Never change.

It just makes me sad that someone so nice has come into my life n we can't explore what could be. But maybe this is my life's lesson. The path I need to travel. Make myself happy.

Why does life have to be so damn complicated sometimes lol.

 

I'm going to distant myself now. Probably the best thing to do at this time

[kendahke]

This is the primary reason this year that I haven't actively sought out a relationship. Who knows how long it's going to take grief to do its job, so why bring someone into the storm? While I'm coming out of the worst of it, I'm still miles away from wanting to be in a new relationship.

 

The ptsd behind the death of a dearly loved parent is real (especially considering how quickly OP's guy lost his father) and one doesn't get over it in a matter of weeks, unless they already didn't have a good relationship with said parent.

 

One has to traverse the "year of firsts" and that's a daunting mountain to climb.

[lavenderandvelvet]

Off topic but my sister has pancreatic cancer. And she has found this groups to be very helpful. For both survivors and the families who have lost loved ones.

 

https://www.pancan.org/