mortensorchid Posted November 9, 2019 Posted November 9, 2019 Tonight I went to a small party for my friend's 50th birthday. It was a laid back gathering of about 20 people, just a pizza and cake and chatting party. I saw the dj that I had one date with last spring (about 6 months ago). I had a feeling I would see him again since he was part of the same group, plus with the Facebook invite he said he would provide the entertainment (music) for the evening. I came in and saw him at the front table, he came over and gave me a hug which I returned. I was friendly towards him, he motioned for me to come and sit down next to him, which I did. We had a catch up - I told him jobwise what I had been doing (lost one in the spring, worked over summer, now have 3 teaching jobs and working on getting another few). He said he'd been djing and working his machine operation job since (I saw that on Facebook as he posts on where he is and what he's doing). I showed him a few photos of things since on my phone. I wasn't going to bring up why it is that I didn't hear from him since we went out that one time last spring, but he said he had some kind of drama going on with his kids. I asked if things were okay now, he said yes. Wasn't my business to go further than that. He then suggested we go out and see the Joker movie, I said I'd already seen it when it first came out last month. Then we said our good-byes. So I guess it's alright to get an answer (or at least acknowledge it somewhat) when you were left hanging. He's not a bad guy, but it won't go anywhere.
FMW Posted November 9, 2019 Posted November 9, 2019 I know you've been seeing someone else, but are you interested in seeing the DJ? If so, when he asked about the Joker movie you could have said you had seen it, but would like to get together with him some time, see if he followed up on it. Why do you say "it won't go anywhere"? Because you don't want it to, or don't think he does?
basil67 Posted November 9, 2019 Posted November 9, 2019 Interesting that you rejected the new offer of a date with him. I guess this shows that things are going really well with the new guy. Good luck.
preraph Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 So you rejected him because you'd seen the movie? Why? I mean, why not just say, Sure, I saw it but I'd love to see it again and catch up.
Happy Lemming Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 I would have the told the DJ... "No, I don't want to see the movie, I'm dating someone and it wouldn't be appropriate to go to the movies with you." You said you were happy. I think your new guy has a lot to do with your new found happiness. It would be perfectly acceptable to let the DJ know you are off the market. 1
Author mortensorchid Posted November 10, 2019 Author Posted November 10, 2019 I don't think he needs to know what I am doing with my time when he hasn't been around me for the last six months. No reason we have to go through life hating each other because it didn't happen, by any means, but I was not about to tell him that there is someone else now. I assume he gets plenty of attention from all the other women he's around making kissy faces with on his dj gigs. He can wonder what I'm doing.
Happy Lemming Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 No reason we have to go through life hating each other because it didn't happen... Why not... he "ghosted" you. If he had acted like a mature adult and simply said that it was nice going out with you but he didn't think the two of you were compatible, then there would be no reason for "hating". I just don't like the fact that he "ghosted" you. 1
Author mortensorchid Posted November 10, 2019 Author Posted November 10, 2019 Why not... he "ghosted" you. If he had acted like a mature adult and simply said that it was nice going out with you but he didn't think the two of you were compatible, then there would be no reason for "hating". I just don't like the fact that he "ghosted" you. Neither do I, but I went out with one guy about 10 years ago who did the same. I saw him once in a while still with a theater company I was with for 9 years and I was friendly towards him. He's not a good guy either for ghosting but since I would continue to see him I wasn't going to give him attitude for doing it either. No reason to create drama where it doesn't need to be. And I don't see that guy anymore now because I am off the board of the company, it's what it is.
alphamale Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 I see nothing wrong with ghosting someone
Happy Lemming Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 I see nothing wrong with ghosting someone I'd like to respectfully disagree. If a mature man does the ghosting, I consider him a coward. The parties in question are mature adults (over 40, not kids), by this age one should know how to conduct themselves in this type of interaction. Treat the woman with respect and tell her that you no longer want to see her. Why be afraid to say "good bye" or "I no longer want to date you" or "I don't see a future with you and I want to discontinue our dating". An adult can be tactful in stopping a dating relationship. Ghosting just seems more cruel and cowardly (in my opinion). 1
nospam99 Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 @alpha and HL. I'm also anti-ghosting because I just think it's VERY impolite. I got a text this past week from the last woman I dated. It's been six months. She requested a phone call. We had parted mutually - no ghosting from either side. My reaction to her text was 'WTF?' But as a 'civil' human being I texted back AND phoned her. Her answering machine picked up my call and there's been no further response from her either way. It wouldn't have exactly been ghosting to ignore the text. I feel I 'did the right thing' anyway.
Gaeta Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 Telling this guy Thanks for the invite but I am seeing someone now is NOT giving him attitude. It's respect for yourself, and respect for the new man you are dating. It also send this guy a message that you are a woman of value and it didn't take time for someone else to grab you. 1
Happy Lemming Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 I feel I 'did the right thing' anyway. Of course you did the right thing. I return all communication within 24 hours. Even if I don't have an answer to the person's inquiry, I'll still acknowledge the communication and tell them I'm working on it. You called her back and left a polite message on her machine. The ball is back in her court to now acknowledge you. Another "rule of thumb" is... I leave two messages a few days apart, just in case she didn't get the first one (but that is just me).
Happy Lemming Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 It's respect for yourself, and respect for the new man you are dating. 100% Agree... And if by some reason, new guy and the DJ run into one another and talk. It will tell the new guy that the OP considers the relationship something of value and may want to pursue exclusivity. 1
alphamale Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 Ghosting just seems more cruel and cowardly (in my opinion). @alpha and HL. I'm also anti-ghosting because I just think it's VERY impolite... My tactic was to create some drama and create a "fight" or disagreement or blame her on something. I would then ghost her and she would be left thinking that it was her fault...it is cowardly but it worked for me
Blind-Sided Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 Telling this guy Thanks for the invite but I am seeing someone now is NOT giving him attitude. It's respect for yourself, ...... Yep... I agree 100% with that. You are heading into a committed relationship with your new guy. And since you have had such a run of rough times... why would you not want the affirmation of saying that out loud? (that you are now with someone) And honestly... since this guy disappeared before... why would you sit with him at the party? Honestly... if I was in your shoes, it would been a simple "Hi", and nothing more. I hope I'm not coming off harsh, because I'm really not trying to sound like that. But since you seem like you want the relationship with your new guy... why put yourself in a situation where you are acting like you are still playing the field? 1
Gaeta Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 I don't think he needs to know what I am doing with my time when he hasn't been around me for the last six months.... but I was not about to tell him that there is someone else now. Spoken like a woman who wants to play hard to get. As if by not telling him anything you are keeping a certain mystery to entice him. I assume he gets plenty of attention from all the other women he's around making kissy faces with on his dj gigs. He can wonder what I'm doing. Spoken like a bitter woman that got ghosted. Don't make this about him. When you run into an old flame make it all about YOU! Just tell them you are doing GREAT and seeing an amazing man!! To me: You didn't mention you had a new man in your life because you still have a little flame for this DJ. . 1
elaine567 Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 The new guy is new, he has 3 young kids, lots of potential issues ahead... he is by no means a done deal. Keeping options open may be a sensible move. Also "hate" is not a good emotion, better to be civil than harbour grudges. Drama tends to be draining... 1
alphamale Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 Drama tends to be draining... and exciting...like a roller coaster
elaine567 Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 and exciting...like a roller coaster Yes but the drama here would have been calling him out on the ghosting in front of the party goers, or stomping off in a huff. Neither is very exciting, whole load of negative emotions stirred up. She "let it go" as she is in a better place, his ghosting no longer matters to her.
Author mortensorchid Posted November 11, 2019 Author Posted November 11, 2019 Well this is interesting ... This morning when I signed onto the computer and powered up my phone I had a message from him. He said (the dj) said he was happy to see me again and he had forgotten how beautiful I am. I responded "Well, thank you" (wasn't sure what else to say about that other than to thank him). He also said "I got the vibe on our date six months ago that you didn't like me as much as I liked you, not sure if I was wrong? I also wanted to kiss you because I'm still attracted to you. But I'm not Sexy Kevin ha ha ha ..." (Reference to Chris Hemsworth from the Ghostbusters reboot and of course, Thor from the Marvel movies). I am not sure on this ... The dj is also divorced with 2 kids. My new man has 3, but this guy did not strike while the iron was hot six months ago. I think I should let the dj down because he didn't move on it when he should have. Am I right?
Gaeta Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 Do NOT go back to a man that once ghost you!!! No matter his explanation. He burnt his bridge by ghosting. If he had politely told you he didn't feel a connection and was moving on then maybe he'd be worth a second thought but after a ghosting? never ever ever. 1
Watercolors Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 That DJ guy is totally breadcrumbing you with his little email message. Don't fall for it. It's total baloney. Any man who ghosts on a woman then tries to hook her again down the road, has the emotional maturity of a toddler. Do not give DJ guy another chance. Why would you? See what happens with your new guy and his 3 kidlets. See it through to the end (which depends on you and the guy) first. But forget Mr. DJ guy. He's bored, has a huge ego, and is just fishing to see if you will fall for his same crap again. Men forget, women have long memories. Tell Mr. DJ guy, thanks but no thanks.
Author mortensorchid Posted November 11, 2019 Author Posted November 11, 2019 I told him there is someone else now, unfortunately the timing was bad and we just didn't connect. He said alright. And I agree, I think he was breadcrumbing me. 1
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