So many failures in dating

[Meddle]

I am 27 years old and I've never been relationship, still virgin. I was seeing 2 guys for few months years ago. Now I cannot date one person for longer than 2 months. I was trying online dating, met few guys who apporached me on the street, one at work but overall I am not meeting many people in "real life", maybe because I am shy and reserved and I cannot flirt.. I met over 100 guys throughout these years, some of them once, some 3 times and more. However, there always was a reason I had to finish this.. guy turned out to have not treated mental ilness, extremely stingy, using my as placeholder, emontionally unavailable, womanizer, liar, having different life goals etc.. I was always breaking it off to not waste my time but now I finished something again and I feel hopeless... I am 27 and would love to be with someone and I feel like I cannot find a normal guy. Anytime I meet someone new I am thinking what will be wrong with him this time. Is it just bad luck or am I doing something wrong? I am choosing average looking guys, with normal dating profiles, saying they are looking for a relationship.

[Emerald_11]

I sort of feel like online dating is not a very good way to really meet people. Seeing someone in real life is a much better way to connect because you can see their mannerisms and type of energy they project. Maybe try joining a club or sign up for a class about something you are interested in. Seeing the same group of people on a regular basis would be a smart way to find someone. You could join a gym, a bowling league, find a cooking class to go to. Make sure the classes are things guys might like too. Try to attend lots of parties or events. Go to everything you are invited to whenever possible! Go to concerts of your favorite bands and talk to people & give them your number!

But don't stop doing the online dating thing either. Just don't invest in too many messages before meeting to avoid wasting too much of your valuable time. Maximum 1-2 weeks message a few days throughout the week and by then there needs to be a plan to meet in real life. Make sure your profile looks amazing. Maybe have someone take some really nice photos of you to put on there.

In my opinion too many selfies is low class.

You want to look your best to get the most responses.

Maybe make yourself a list of desired traits in your most ideal person so you have some kind of guideline.

Best of luck to you!

[Meddle]

I sort of feel like online dating is not a very good way to really meet people. Seeing someone in real life is a much better way to connect because you can see their mannerisms and type of energy they project. Maybe try joining a club or sign up for a class about something you are interested in. Seeing the same group of people on a regular basis would be a smart way to find someone. You could join a gym, a bowling league, find a cooking class to go to. Make sure the classes are things guys might like too. Try to attend lots of parties or events. Go to everything you are invited to whenever possible! Go to concerts of your favorite bands and talk to people & give them your number!

But don't stop doing the online dating thing either. Just don't invest in too many messages before meeting to avoid wasting too much of your valuable time. Maximum 1-2 weeks message a few days throughout the week and by then there needs to be a plan to meet in real life. Make sure your profile looks amazing. Maybe have someone take some really nice photos of you to put on there.

In my opinion too many selfies is low class.

You want to look your best to get the most responses.

Maybe make yourself a list of desired traits in your most ideal person so you have some kind of guideline.

Best of luck to you!

I am volunteeing, was attending language courses, going out for concerts, to the gym, etc. but I find it extriemely difficult to approach strangers.

As about online dating I am doing excatly what you say, messaging for few days, them meeting, I always look my best and I have list of my "dealbreakers".

[chillii]

Jesus , 100 guys , if l met that many women l'd be in sooooo much trouble.

Sounds like your not being choosy/selective enough to begin with.

Try honing in more on what your looking for , like mindedness, things in common, want the same things. That means you only bother with a few because that take time to find, but the right ones.

[Meddle]

Jesus , 100 guys , if l met that many women l'd be in sooooo much trouble.

Sounds like your not being choosy/selective enough to begin with.

Try honing in more on what your looking for , like mindedness, things in common, want the same things. That means you only bother with a few because that take time to find, but the right ones.

I know it's a lot but in 6 or 7 years.

 

The problem with online dating is that once you are texting someone, the other person can seem to be great and when you meet then you see there is no chemistry, this person is lacking personal hygiene, is weird etc.. I always meet with people who I have good conversations with and who seem normal, collected, we have things in common.

[Lamron300]

I am 27 years old and I've never been relationship, still virgin. I am choosing average looking guys, with normal dating profiles, saying they are looking for a relationship.

 

Sometimes it depends on what city/area you are in. If you're in a big city you may match with more people and then its up to you to figure out who is the right fit. I wouldn't worry too much as your experience of online dating is similar to mine and many other people. It may be best to just try and meet people in real life. A lot of people with serious issues who aren't ready to date, go on online dating and then it just ends up wasting your time.

 

If you do use online dating, maybe try a more expensive service as most people who pay are more likely to be serious about a relationship.

[stillafool]

You don't sound shy if you're meeting 100s of guys.

[balletomane]

I agree with the people who suggest that you be more selective from the outset. I'm shy around people I don't know well, and very new to online dating, so I started by choosing the app that seems most likely to work for me rather than a bunch of different ones. I joined Bumble because it gives me control over the first contact. I automatically swipe left on guys who have included shirtless photos of themselves (I find it tacky, and it suggests that the guy is more interested in something casual), guys who post nothing but photos and don't bother to write anything (I'm trying to find a partner, not choosing an ornamental fixture for my house), and guys whose answer to the profile questions is 'just ask' (no). I also filter out smokers. I have several other criteria, but these are the basics. The result is that I don't often swipe right or get that many matches, but the matches I do get seem promising. So far I've had nothing but pleasant and respectful interactions. It's too early to tell if I will find a partner (I've been on Bumble for less than a month), but aI can already tell I'm dodging the annoyances and disappointments some of my less picky friends have faced.

[smackie9]

Ever thought of joining a church?

[Versacehottie]

IMO, the biggest problem is that you've put a LABEL on yourself ("dating failure") that is a tough hole to climb out of. It will color your thoughts, your interactions, your actions/inactions. I realize that calling yourself a "great dater" from where you are right now might be a leap. What about just getting yourself to NEUTRAL mentally? It can create the openness one needs to truly find someone and allows you to have the persistence and drive to keep trying (it is a numbers game on some level--actually a big part tbh).

 

I think for you the most important part will be to get your mentality straight and then tweak the ways you look for people to meet and how you interact, like fine tuning things and getting enough of a volume of experiences and initial interactions that someone can turn into something. I think if you keep posting here people can help you with this part.

 

So understand the reasons why you are in the situation you are now, learn from the past but don't let it LIMIT you. These are just experiences and you can create new ones. Be careful of how you label each experience and empirical evidence. You don't want to take on what happens externally as WHO you are. It's just feedback so you can fine tune. I think reminding yourself that even great people (in a variety of ways) are often single should help you understand that lots of people go through periods where dating isn't working for them for whatever reason. Look toward public examples (i.e. even celebrities if that helps).

 

This is not to deny reality. However reality is that it's a combo of both--your finesse as a dater and churning through a heap of people to find the right one. Some people get lucky and find that person relatively quickly, combined with finesse from both ends, will end up in a relationship. You want to keep working on the things within your control (finesse and effort) and give allowances for the things that are not (can't control other people and still the need to find the right person for you which you may not have bumped into yet). Do you think you can change your mindset some?

[BaileyB]

I will say Maddie, when you meet the right guy all the frustrations of the past have a way of... disappearing.

 

Hang in there. Stay open to possibilities and try to enjoy your life while you are waiting to find your guy...

[lurker74]

If you've met 100 guys and none of them lasted more than 2 months, I hate to say it, but some of it almost has to be you. Perhaps you are looking for a 100% match when that is not what blossoms into love, usually. Sure, things we have in common bring us together but is our differences that keep us together. Otherwise a relationship turns into bland mashed potatoes. Blech.

 

So two things...first, stop worrying about if he's a fit. Just have a good time. And when you stop having a good time, whether on the first date or the tenth, politely move on. Yes, perhaps there's no chemistry. Go out a second time and confirm. I know you've done this but do it WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS. Expectations are the scaffolding of failure.

 

And two..honestly, perhaps you need to lose your virginity. I'm not saying bang the next guy you meet but there is a reason that people typically enjoy sex and if I dated a woman for 2 months without sex, I can't say it would work out (and I wouldn't date you for 2 months without sex). Sex, in an exclusive relationship, brings and keeps people together. But so often early on, sex is bad, so you have something to learn about what it entails.

 

You'll find a guy you love...it'll happen. It just takes the right mix of luck and self awareness.

[Meddle]

IMO, the biggest problem is that you've put a LABEL on yourself ("dating failure") that is a tough hole to climb out of. It will color your thoughts, your interactions, your actions/inactions. I realize that calling yourself a "great dater" from where you are right now might be a leap. What about just getting yourself to NEUTRAL mentally? It can create the openness one needs to truly find someone and allows you to have the persistence and drive to keep trying (it is a numbers game on some level--actually a big part tbh).

 

Do you think you can change your mindset some?

Thank you, I will try to work on it. I think it's possible that my past experiences were affecting the way I am talking to people and dating them now. I will try to work on that!

[Meddle]

If you've met 100 guys and none of them lasted more than 2 months, I hate to say it, but some of it almost has to be you. Perhaps you are looking for a 100% match when that is not what blossoms into love, usually. Sure, things we have in common bring us together but is our differences that keep us together. Otherwise a relationship turns into bland mashed potatoes. Blech.

 

So two things...first, stop worrying about if he's a fit. Just have a good time. And when you stop having a good time, whether on the first date or the tenth, politely move on. Yes, perhaps there's no chemistry. Go out a second time and confirm. I know you've done this but do it WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS. Expectations are the scaffolding of failure.

 

And two..honestly, perhaps you need to lose your virginity. I'm not saying bang the next guy you meet but there is a reason that people typically enjoy sex and if I dated a woman for 2 months without sex, I can't say it would work out (and I wouldn't date you for 2 months without sex). Sex, in an exclusive relationship, brings and keeps people together. But so often early on, sex is bad, so you have something to learn about what it entails.

 

You'll find a guy you love...it'll happen. It just takes the right mix of luck and self awareness.

I think you are right, I am looking for someone too perfect and cannot enjoy the moment. I keep analysing if the person will be good much for me in the long run constantly.

[winny]

I think in the last 10 years, the quality of people has gone down. We all know that mental issues are on the rise. Dating apps and social media have only made it easier for people to treat others badly and not be accountable.

It's not all because of you but a combination of many factors. You just focus on what you can do and that is meeting men. Hopefully something will work out. And if it doesn't then remember, you will still be fine.

 

By the way, you can have a one night stand or something to take care of the virginity issue LOL

[vv3469802]

Definitely, you have to reduce your guys quality standards=) All of us have positive and negative sides and you'll never find one without disadvantages. Try to honestly ask for yourself - "Are you an ideal human?" And if you aren't - stop looking for an ideal one.