SurDeFil Posted November 9, 2019 Posted November 9, 2019 (edited) Hello, One month ago I met someone online. We are both 27 years old. He seemed like a nice guy but reserved and shy. I thought maybe he is inexperienced in dating. I felt like he is not really trying to get to know me, I asked him about that and he told me he did not want to be intrusive. He was planning interesting dates, paying (insisting), texting me every day, we met 5 times, had good time, interesting conversations. When I was out of town and was about to come back he told me he missed me. However, I felt something is off, he did not innitiate physical contact, there was no flirting, no romantic gestures. It seemed very casual and he was still using the dating site where we met once in a while (he told me he does not use it anymore). I asked him why he gives me mixed signals, he told me he sees it as potential relationship, he likes to spend time with me and our conversations and cares for me and he did not want to be pushy with romantic gestures and he will improve just asks me for one chance. When we had more honest conversation he later told me he was in one relationship and was cheated with 2 different man and another one where girl broke off engagement and told him she did not love him... he is only 27 and so many bad experiences. I don't know what to think about it, it seems he is emotionally available. Should I give him a chance or I will keep wasting my time? I am not even sure why he told me about these past experiences.. Edited November 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and clean up quotes
basil67 Posted November 9, 2019 Posted November 9, 2019 At least now you know what’s going on. Thing is though, at the age of 27, most of us have had more than one heartbreak, so his experience is average. The difference is that most of us get back up and try again, where as your guy lacks the resilience to do so. Not a good dating prospect. And if you do date him longer and break up, you will also get blamed for being a heartbreaker. Be cautious. 1
elaine567 Posted November 9, 2019 Posted November 9, 2019 Was he always "emotionally unavailable" and these girls never really felt a close bond, so cheated or dumped him? OR was he just unlucky? OR was he simply very bad at picking suitable women? Anyone can be unlucky or have romantic disasters, but most carry on regardless. If his romantic past has damaged him, he needs to sort his head out, it is not your job to "fix" him. I would be a bit worried that this "hands off" approach is the real him and this could be a very unfulfilling relationship long term for you. 1
Author SurDeFil Posted November 9, 2019 Author Posted November 9, 2019 (edited) @elaine567.... Exactly what I was thinking, if he was like that and that's why his relationships failed or he became that way. He was telling me he was too caring in his previous relationship but I will never know the truth. Edited November 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Gaeta Posted November 9, 2019 Posted November 9, 2019 Usually people bringing up their past as an excuse have not had time to deal with that past. How long he's been single? To me, giving this guy a second chance would start by him (and you) deleting his online profile. .
smackie9 Posted November 9, 2019 Posted November 9, 2019 Trouble already....move on. Let him be someone elses problem. 1
SumGuy Posted November 9, 2019 Posted November 9, 2019 Hello, One month ago I met someone online. We are both 27 years old. ..... I asked him why he gives me mixed signals, .... I am not even sure why he told me about these past experiences.. You asked, he answered. He was open, likes to take it "slow." I wouldn't even call this slow given his past and it has only been one month and 5 dates. He does seem interested though. I think if the genders were reversed no one would question the pace it is being taken at. However, you seem very unsure about all this, want things to move faster, and view his behavior as worrisome; it does not sound like he is right for you or you for him. 1
Author SurDeFil Posted November 9, 2019 Author Posted November 9, 2019 (edited) @SumGuy.... I don't have problem with taking things slow. I am just worried he is not emotionally available. I have some problems with being emotionally available myself but I am aware of that and I am working on it. That is why I was open about my concerns with him and wanted to work it out instead of run away as I would normally do. Edited November 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
OatsAndHall Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 You asked, he answered. He was open, likes to take it "slow." I wouldn't even call this slow given his past and it has only been one month and 5 dates. He does seem interested though. I think if the genders were reversed no one would question the pace it is being taken at. However, you seem very unsure about all this, want things to move faster, and view his behavior as worrisome; it does not sound like he is right for you or you for him. I agree. He has been honest with you about why he is taking things slowly and it's really is early in the dating process. He might need that time and space to actually become comfortable and emotionally available. I would imagine that he becomes more emotionally invested after physical intimacy and he's taking that aspect slowly. But, I will reiterate this; he has been open and honest with you. That is becoming a rarity in the dating world.
stillafool Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 I don't have problem with taking things slow. I am just worried he is not emotionally available. I have some problems with being emotionally available myself but I am aware of that and I am working on it. That is why I was open about my concerns with him and wanted to work it out instead of run away as I would normally do. I don't see where he has a problem. Are you wanting to talk to him to let him know about your emotionally unavailability? If not, this is the kettle calling the pot black.
elaine567 Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 But, I will reiterate this; he has been open and honest with you. That is becoming a rarity in the dating world. The problem in the dating world is that "open and honest" may not be true. Taking it slowly can mean lots of things, few of them it seems to me turn out to be good... A month, 5 dates and NO romantic gesture... no hand holding, no hug, no peck on the cheek, no touch of the hand or the arm, no kiss, nothing... My guess as he is still on the dating site he has another more enticing prospect lined up, his loyalty is to her, and the OP is on the back burner, or he is so mixed up/damaged/unavailable he is scared to get involved and not ready to date, or he is just not that interested romantically. Few want Mr Horny who is ALL about sex, but there needs to be some "fire" shown to stimulate interest. The fact the OP has had to bring it up to him is a red flag in itself. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 The moment you have to ask if someone is emotionally unavailable, stop! You have your answer. The moment you feel something is "off"--even if you can't immediately explain this feeling--stop. Something is off. Those are two major red flags, and you ignored both of them. Learning to heed those danger signs is one of the key skills you want to learn to successfully date and to screen out people who aren't going to be good partners. Be super careful about asking people why they are distant or acting in a strange way ... especially if you're going to assume any answer is honest and true. Lots of people have no idea why they're behaving as they are. Lots of folks are just completely inarticulate about such issues. Psychopaths don't tell you they're psychopaths. Cheaters don't tell you they're cheaters. But here you got lucky. This guy gave you a revealing answer to what was going on. He's hurt and wounded and suspicious. RED FLAG #3. How many stop signs do you need before you turn around and go in a different direction?
Author SurDeFil Posted November 10, 2019 Author Posted November 10, 2019 (edited) There was some minor physical contact. I thought he was just shy or didn't want to scare me off. For 5th date he invited me out for a dinner and maybe that one would be more 'romantic' but I told him we need to talk and didn't have the dinner in the end and just had this conversation. I know he stopped using dating site for 2 weeks when we were dating. But I agree, many red flags.. Edited November 10, 2019 by SurDeFil
smackie9 Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 Taking it slow=problems. I would call it you as being a stepping stone. I would cut him loose.
Author SurDeFil Posted November 11, 2019 Author Posted November 11, 2019 Taking it slow=problems. I would call it you as being a stepping stone. I would cut him loose. Do you think so? Personally I am kind of person who also prefer to take things slow as long as e.g. the intimacy is introduced gradaully. If he was simply shy or not experienced I know I would give it a shot
smackie9 Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 You are right I don't really know this guy, but lets look at the facts: you have gone out on plenty of dates, and there's no progression, not even a smidgen. Sooooo if he's THAT shy, try initiating physical contact, try flirting, see if he takes the bate. If he doesn't he's got a dull personality, no fire will ever be lit.
Author SurDeFil Posted November 11, 2019 Author Posted November 11, 2019 You are right I don't really know this guy, but lets look at the facts: you have gone out on plenty of dates, and there's no progression, not even a smidgen. Sooooo if he's THAT shy, try initiating physical contact, try flirting, see if he takes the bate. If he doesn't he's got a dull personality, no fire will ever be lit. Last time we saw each other he wanted to hold hands but I know.. normally even shy guys I was dating in the past were making some moves during first few dates. I didn't have to tell them they should make physical contact with me.
beentheredonethat77 Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 Ive dated shy guys before, i tend to gravitate to shy men (many even socially anxious, one was practically a mute at the start.. . ) -- but honestly never experienced what you're describing. There is definitely something 'off' here..
stillafool Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 Well since you like to go slow I'd say he's doing well. I do agree with Smackie that you are a stepping stone into future dates.
Author SurDeFil Posted November 11, 2019 Author Posted November 11, 2019 Ive dated shy guys before, i tend to gravitate to shy men (many even socially anxious, one was practically a mute at the start.. . ) -- but honestly never experienced what you're describing. There is definitely something 'off' here.. They were trying to innitate physical contact sooner, right?
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