Why am I only attracted to douchebags? Is there something wrong with my brain?

[Emerald_11]

Hello everyone! It has been a VERY long time since I have been on this site. I always got very good advice and insight from members on here so I am back!

 

Quick update: I am divorced and have been sorta starting to date now. I have full custody of my kids and they see their dad every other weekend. So I have very limited time.

 

About a year ago I dated a guy for about 4 months. We were both attracted to each other right away. We had some fun times playing frisbee golf going out to dinner and drinks. He even took me on a weekend trip to some hot springs. He used to stay the night with me a few times a week. Back then I had my kids every other week so I had more time to spend. Then a bunch of court stuff started happening. My ex was doing all kinds of crazy stuff like calling CPS and lying saying I abuse my kids. I felt like I could tell this guy anything and I did tell him when I had court. He started pulling away and contacting me less and less. He was getting ahold of me to see if I could visit him on my lunch break from work. He used to work from home. Then he started asking me to give him rides to get his truck from wherever he left it the night before because he was too drunk to drive it home. After I gave him rides 3 times I asked him why he goes out so much and why is he getting too drunk to drive. I told him I have better things to do on my lunch break like eat. Then he began only getting ahold of me late at night to "cuddle". One night he came over super drunk and declared his love for me and my nipples! The next day he called me to tell me he didn't remember anything he said the night before even though I think he did remember... I didn't let this go on too long and started ignoring his late night texts. He then called me and said he is sorry that he was using me and said he is not strong enough or good enough for me. This was super hurtful. I did not let him know how mean I thought this was of him. Now when I go out to any of the local bars it seems like he is always there. When we would see each other we would just stare at each other awkwardly across the room. He has tried to talk to me since then and asked me to dance a few times but I always would decline and leave immediately. Sometimes I do wish we could still snuggle and laugh together again but I know its not good. Now I just avoid the places I know he hangs out at.

 

I met another guy at church who was also going through a divorce who has been super supportive and can understand because he was dealing with court stuff too. He is very successful and owns his own business. He also has 11 rental homes and his own airplane! He used to call or text me pretty often just to talk. I enjoyed hearing from him. When I was laid off last winter he let me clean some of his properties for extra money and he paid me pretty well. We have gone out a couple times but only hugged goodbye. I know that he is attractive but I am not attracted if that makes sense. He has a weird beard that looks Amish to me. I also felt like I was a lowly maid that scrubbed toilets in his rentals which is super sexy, and he couldn't possibly be attracted to me. A few weeks ago he asked me if I wanted to go on a trip to Florida with him. I said I would but couldn't because of my kids and I cant be away too long. He then said he was taking a different girl but made a big point to tell me they are just friends. I also feel like him and I are nothing beyond friends. I know he is probably back in town but he has not contacted me. Which is fine. I never felt like I even wanted to kiss him or anything.

 

Now the most recent guy I have gone on a few dates with is a guy I knew a long time ago in college. We ran into each other and started talking again. He is from Russia. When I knew him years ago in college he used to talk like a robot because English is his 2nd language. Now his English is a lot better. He still has a cute accent tho. He is divorced and has kids around the same ages as my kids. He is very successful and also owns lots of properties. He does community development. He also has a few rental homes. He goes on trips all around the world a few times a year. We have gone out a few times and always have fun. We have memories together from college parties we were at together. He admitted he always had a big crush on me but was too shy to tell me then. I always liked him but I wouldn't say I had any big crush or anything. I can see that he is very attractive but again I am having a problem with not being attracted! I feel like it is something you cant force.

 

I'm so frustrated. Why do I friendzone the guys that have so much to offer and withhold any physical affection from them yet give that so freely to someone who rejected me abruptly. Also I still wish that first guy wanted to spend time with me. I know the second two guys are a lot better choices and could offer me a lot more but its not really about that for me. I'm not a gold digger. I just need to feel the chemistry. Something is wrong up in my brain or something.

How am I ever going to be happy if I keep letting these good catches slip away? And when they do I don't even care but I know I missed out I guess.

I think I just don't think I deserve them.

 

I am in counseling and working on me. An issue that was identified is that since I am a domestic violence survivor I probably subconsciously felt physically safer with the first guy because he is shorter than me. Like he couldn't overpower me physically even though there is no reason to even think he or any of these guys would do anything like that. I don't feel scared of the other two guys or anything...Another thing that was discussed is that my ex husband was an addict and alcoholic so that is what is familiar and feels normal and like home to me. I want to change that but I don't know how.

 

I just thought that hearing other perspectives could be helpful.

 

I do want to find my person. I know he's out there. I don't want to die alone.

[salparadise]

I'm so frustrated. Why do I friendzone the guys that have so much to offer and withhold any physical affection from them yet give that so freely to someone who rejected me abruptly. Also I still wish that first guy wanted to spend time with me. I know the second two guys are a lot better choices and could offer me a lot more but its not really about that for me. I'm not a gold digger. I just need to feel the chemistry. Something is wrong up in my brain or something.

How am I ever going to be happy if I keep letting these good catches slip away? And when they do I don't even care but I know I missed out I guess.

I think I just don't think I deserve them.

 

"since I am a domestic violence survivor..."

 

 

You talk about a lot of stuff that affects how you relate to men, and then right at the end you say, "oh, yea, I'm a domestic abuse survivor." but you don't go into that at all. People who choose abusive partners and stay with them for more than 10 seconds virtually always have grown up with some kind abuse. If your parents were overly critical and didn't give you the unconditional love and affirmation that you needed to develop a solid core psychologically, then you are probably attracted to partners that have the same dynamic. This is something you should be talking to your therapist about.

 

You also put a lot of emphasis on what men own and seem to use that as the main criteria for who you "should" be attracted to, or want to be attracted to. Your rational mind and your emotional side are working against each other. On the one hand you have these expectations about what a man should be able offer you, and on the other hand you feel you don't deserve it. And there's the thing about scrubbing toilets, and that being symbolic of something to do with the self, self-worth and sexuality. And in your narrative there is no one in the middle –– they're always either wealthy businessmen, property owners, or the guy who gets too drunk to drive and drunk-texts. And you characterize them primarily by these attributes, which seems strange to me.

 

It seems to me that you have an overly simplified concept of a complicated array of issues that affect your sense of self, and therefore how you relate to men. You and the therapist need to be digging deeper into this stuff. Perhaps the therapist isn't following the right threads... and if not a change may be needed. I'd bet a grand on this originating with the dynamics of one or both of your parents. The solution is to strengthen your self-acceptance and worthiness, which will be difficult but worth it.

Edited November 9, 2019 by salparadise

[Blind-Sided]

It's simple... the old saying... "Women like a bad boy" is true. You are out of a relationship that sounds like your ex is trying to control you, or the situations. Because of that... you are ready to "Party" on a certain level. So... your drunk bad-boy was fun. You get an adrenaline and endorphin rush when you are with him... and that led to some physical contact... and that turned into a chemical bond. BUT... the "Smart" version of you finally said... "I don't want to date a DRUNK." because you know that will eventually lead to problems.

 

 

SO... the nice guys... you don't get that same rush with them because they have better things to do, other than going out and "Partying." In turn, you find a reason to not want to be with them. But it sounds like you are taking it one step more... you don't even want to hang out with them once "Friended." If you did... you may find that a bond will grow.

 

 

Our brains and bodies run off of chemical and electrical stimulation... and even though we think we are in control... the fact is, we are not. The bad boy is a drug with instant stimulation. (bad for us, but feels SO good) The nice guys are a glass of milk and a bran muffin. (the right choice but no stimulation)

 

 

The above is fact. My opinion is... you are a person later in life, with kids, and an ex who (at the moment) we can assume was no good. Because of that... you want to party some. But you are here looking for help. So ask yourself... do you want stability, and someone you can grow old with (bran muffin) or do you want to party? (drug stimulation) If you want to party... that's easy... keep doing what you are doing. If you want some stability... take one of your "Friends" and focus on just one of them. Don't go out on dates with others, and spend quality time with your bran muffin, and see what come out of it. NOW... since we are chemical driven... you should eventually fool around with that muffin... who knows... you may find that chemical rush, and build a real bond with a good guy.

Edited November 9, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[schlumpy]

I just want to reinforce what Blind is saying and that you are choosing chaos or stability. You are attracted to chaos probably for the excitement and anything can happen atmosphere. I'm not sure you can change that at a basic level.

 

Some people have changed but it usually takes a full throated disaster to make them reject that life style. Not something I would look forward to going through. I'd like to say you can think your way out of it but I don't think that's the case. Maybe you can act your way out.

[fromheart]

Most probably you have to deal with the trauma of the abuse you suffered. As another poster pointed out, victims of abuse usually subconsciously choose abusive partners.

 

Maybe you also feel the rich guys are in a different world.

[stillafool]

I don't know why you're only attracted to douchebags and bad boys but can you afford to mess around with these type of people when you have children to raise. What does that teach them? Especially if you have girls.

[Maggiemay1]

You seem to be focused on what guys have to offer superficially. Why is that?

 

The first guy you say “EVEN took you on a weekend trip” , why sound so surprised about that? And yes you were very convenient for him picking his truck up etc. You only dated him 16 weeks, running around after him as if he was one of your children. That 16 weeks would have been a lot shorter had you not done that. Could have had your well deserved lunch breaks a lot earlier!

 

The second guy offered you a trip to Florida and he owns an “airplane!”

Who cares what he owns? He never tried to date you before offering a trip to Florida , I’m glad you refused. But you were not attracted to him anyway.

 

The Russian guy, you are only interested in the flirtation, not the man himself. And again mention properties he owns etc.

 

Out of three of these guys you were only attracted to the first. Who was a douchebag.

 

But then you ask “how am I ever going to be happy if I keep letting these good catches slip away?”

 

Which of those were a good a good catch??

 

The answer is none of them.

 

And why does your happiness depend on a guy?

Honestly , you are not ready to date.

Your self esteem appears to be very low.

Instead of looking at what guys can provide superficially or financially , you need to actually consider what you want on a daily basis in terms of real love , emotions etc.

 

You can’t introduce your kids to anyone you date until at least a year into dating.

 

I too want to know why your post was mostly about fleeting guys in your life , yet only one line about being a victim of domestic abuse?

 

How long has it been since you split with your ex?

[kendahke]

don't choose men on the material things you think they're going to share with you. Thats a lot of your problem here--you're mesmerized by the potential of their bling toys and not paying attention to the very clear signs they're not who you need to be chasing in behind.

 

 

Try being alone and getting your head straightened out so you quit attracting douchebags---because in all of the men you mention, YOU are the common denominator.

[Gaeta]

It also jumped at me that you listed their assets instead of listing their qualities.

 

Make a list of what character traits you are looking for in a man and forget about their assets. You want him to be loyal, respectful, considerate, you want him to be able of empathy, generous and funny. Look for those first. I have been a few years with a rich man. They were the most miserable years of my life.

.

[smackie9]

Like a lot of women, they mistake as bad boy for a confident man. These guys you say are "good catches" don't have the confidence you are looking for. They are just guys with assets...no standing out from the crowd, bold, forward... none of that. Just lukewarm/boring business men. You want a man that is strong/confident, to make you feel protected and secure, someone that will take care of you, that takes the lead. That's pretty much what most women want.

[Emerald_11]

I just want to clarify that I don't prescreen people based on their assets and I am not a greedy person. I did not even know about the asset stuff until I had spent some time getting to know these guys. Maybe the reason these people were in my life is to show me that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. This was the main theme of conversations I had with both of these men.

 

I had not even thought about my Russian college friend in years and randomly ran into him. I believe that everything happens for reasons and decided to not ignore that and talk to him. I am glad that he is doing well now. My feelings for him have not changed though. If something were to be between us it would have happened back in college. I think the best thing I can do for him is let him find someone who is actually like head over heels crazy about him because I wont ever be.

The guy with the airplane who I was temporarily working for has really has not actually pursued me we have just been supportive of each other. We have just met up for a drink and to vent about personal things that were very similar a couple times and he helped me sell a property I had to liquidate after my divorce was finally final. The invite on the trip to Florida caught me by surprise because he and I are just friends and it seemed weird. Then when he said he was taking someone else it felt like a test to gauge if I was jealous or not. I was indifferent about that and wished him a wonderful time. I think that is why he has not reached out lately.

 

I think that you are right- it is true I am not really ready to date because even though I thought I was ready I am still recovering from a very toxic marriage that I escaped from.

My main focus right now is my kids and building a life for the three of us.

 

I try to practice a lot of self care and will continue that & also continue going to counseling.

 

I should just be patient and not look to hard & have faith that when the time is right I will know who it is I feel a connection with.

[Versacehottie]

Hmmm, well personally while I think looking at what a guy provides is normal behavior to an extent and you are probably getting too much grief about that. Most girls notice that to some extent and most guys are aware that it plays a part in their market value to most girls and either try to get more material items and wealth to up their value or lament about the unfairness of it all. Here's where everyone that is pointing that out in your post is right--to latch on to that too much or place too much value on it in your potential dates will lead you down the wrong path or have you end up in the wrong relationship. Undeniably it plays a part, you want to minimize how much though.

 

Again like I said on another thread today, be careful of the labels you give yourself. Let's say you've liked two douchebags--that just makes you a person who encountered two guys that aren't what you want. Acknowledge that, learn from it, move on. Don't label yourself as someone who ALWAYS likes douchebags or you will create a dynamic where that indeed comes to fruition.

 

I think because you have such limited time, you need to keep working on yourself--not like something is wrong with you but to keep growing and learning and make sure you put into practice right away the lessons you are learning in therapy and through your dating and relationships (of all kinds) efforts. Learn, try, reposition, try again, keep learning.

 

Ok the first guy, loser. While you may have chosen him, I was pretty impressed at the way you keep turning him down when he hasn't met your ideals of what you want. I'm sorry that's a win, not a loss. You are doing everything right in keeping boundaries from people that are not up to your standards. You just need to view this as a win, not a loss. On some level you need to be open and take a risk when you are initially meeting people--i would just say, keep fine tuning that and cut them out sooner than later. Otherwise, you are doing well. Everyone meets people that are not right for them in some way or another. Don't let him bring you down, find new venues, block him etc. You've done the right thing with him, just stick to it.

 

You are not attracted to the second guy. He's not really a douchebag (tho not sure it was a "friend" he took with him on the florida trip!) or a prospect. Ok, he's not IT, move on. Stop getting caught up in what could have been because he has financial stability. You're not attracted to him. Full stop. Also IMO, once you took a side job cleaning from him, it a messed up dynamic like you've pointed out. In the future, IMO, keep business & romantic separate. If you need money, fine to work for him but let the romantic potential go. If you want to date him, don't work for him, find another side job.

 

3rd guy, well you sound on the fence about him, so so am I. It sounds like you have fun. I agree with not forcing anything. Do you have enough information to make a decision? I'm not sure. Try not to focus on his ability to offer financial stability nor past memories or current life situation and just focus on how he makes you feel in the moment and what a future with him emotionally would be like. IMO, give it a time or two more and then you owe it to him and yourself not to string him along.

 

You are frustrated but why stay stuck on these three? You believe in chemistry which is the right thing. Keep looking for it. Can't just be physical like the first guy who is a dead end. Can't just be security because that's a dead end and not fair. It's on you to keep trying. They aren't good catches for you if you don't feel chemistry and are only looking at what they can provide financially (which would make you gold digger-esque).

 

Work on your self-worth since you mentioned it and it could be why you end up in these situations partly. You deserve a lot--surely 3 people plus an ex husband does not a significant sample population make!! You need to keep trying and up your self worth. Rejecting people like the first guy because he's handsome but doesn't meet your standards of morality, responsibility should help up your self worth, not chip away at it--so restructure how you classify that life event in your head.

 

Like you said, you know your person is out there. Finding him is going to probably take a combo of working on yourself and exposure to many more people and being cognizant while doing so of what choices you are making and constantly self-adjusting and good communication. You just have to do the work, which you can. Good luck

Edited November 9, 2019 by Versacehottie

[Gaeta]

Again like I said on another thread today, be careful of the labels you give yourself.

OP it's imperative you understand this. We are the stories we tell ourselves. Tell yourself a better story, you are a woman of value and when you are ready you will meet a man of equal value. For now you are building a solid base for yourself and your children. There is nothing wrong in being single. I was single many years after my divorce. I built myself professionally, bought my property, got active, I went back to dating, took me 3 years to meet my boyfriend but during these 3 years I've learn many lessons and continued growing. When I met my boyfriend I was a complete different woman than when I had started dating 3 years before. Actually if I had met him 3 years before I wouldn't have given him a second look as I wasn't equipped to recognize a good man. The journey to a relationship is as important as finding the relationship.

[preraph]

Most of us end up getting hurt when someone isn't who we hoped they'd be. It's easier said than done, but I wish I had been able to not get invested before I knew them better and had the discipline to just control my emotions.

 

Look back in black and white on the times it's happened and make some lists and see if there's some red flags in common or a certain personality type or style type you keep going for that isn't turning out well.