Blown off??? Surprised.

[Mac0908]

To all who think I'm some sort of crazy person because I sound a little snarky in my posts, you're entitled to your opinion, but please understand that you don't know me in the slightest. I've unfortunately been through quite a bit of heartbreak with women in the last few years of my life and yes I do get a little aggravated when stuff like this happens and I come here to kinda vent, like a lot of us do. While I respect everyone's opinions on this thread, what this particular woman did I can just never get behind. No matter what the reason (nervous, excited), to text seemingly nonstop for DAYS in a row before the date and then go near radio silent afterwards is just hurtful and weird IMO. If she's not interested, all she needed to do was send one single text and say so that first time. I've experienced blowoff texts plenty of times. I've taken them like a man and moved on. It's the games/slow fade/mindf-cks that I don't like. Even my few friends who I respect very much when it comes to their thoughts on dating, all told me it's as if she's toying with me now, having the gall to respond upbeat, write "Lol" in the response, even ask me how my day was, then completely ignore my invite. Let's not be naive guys, that's rude and quite hurtful.

 

So, it's up to you whether you want to believe me or not of course, but in a million years never do I bring this type of behavior or "attitude" to the dates, or even to the texting. Even when this women took the 6-7 hours to respond to me the other day, when I gave my response it was extremely civil, and even upbeat. Again, your call. But if you want to form your own opinion for the sake of whatever, that's fine by me too. I know the truth, as do other posters on these forums who know me going back years.

 

With regards to my "Tone" back to RJC, please know I didn't mean anything of the such at all. I just viewed it as a regular convo of two guys going back and forth talking about dating. If I sounded rude, then I apologize. I even told him I very much appreciate him meaning well to me in his posts.

 

 

1. The texting up until the date. I have actually found myself doing this sometimes -- its partially nerves, partially excitement. Also, the shy part of me wants to bond as much as i can quickly before the date.. sort of like cramming.. sort of like "hey hold my hand so we can do this together.. as im nervous!". This is also coming from someone who isn't shy, im very social.. but dating can be nerve-wrecking.

 

Completely understandable, especially for women. I wasn't necessarily bashing the idea of her overtexting me before the date, I was just saying I personally don't like it and know it can have negative effects sometimes. For example if I'm telling you everything under the sun before we even meet, well then half the fun conversation of getting to know each other on said first date is not happening. In addition, there is also the other more likely scenario than you think where the woman texts so much before the date to where she then (sometimes subconsciously) feels like there is no more excitement come date time, and subsequently cancels or wants to "reschedule". I just don't like taking my chances either way.

Edited November 9, 2019 by Mac0908

[Lamron300]

To all who think I'm some sort of crazy person because I sound a little snarky in my posts, you're entitled to your opinion, but ls or wants to "reschedule". I just don't like taking my chances either way.

 

I understand your frustration as I've gone through a similar thing just recently. Except it was after three dates and three kisses. She didn't 'ghost me' but she became less responsive and then eventually managed to be honest after I said "I want to see you" for the 4th time.

 

I don't really know if/where you went wrong but dating is confusing and women often don't want to be forthright. They can change their mind at any time, as can you. I think we come here to vent as we can't exactly vent to the person who disappointed us/turned us down.

 

There is no point pursuing it if she doesn't seem responsive to meeting again. People on here have told me this is what OLD is like and to get used to it. I've been on OLD for 5 years on and off and had good experiences and bad ones (mostly bad). Doesn't matter how attractive you are, these things seem to happen.

 

Good luck with the next one.

[rjc149]

No matter what the reason (nervous, excited), to text seemingly nonstop for DAYS in a row before the date and then go near radio silent afterwards is just hurtful and weird IMO. If she's not interested, all she needed to do was send one single text and say so that first time.

 

I hear your frustration, but the fact is that not everyone lives by the same laws of courtesy. Some women are going to send a text politely declining a second date, and some are just going to ghost you. Some women can handle confrontation, some cannot. Some women are going to be polite, some are going to be rude, and some are going to be nasty to you. That's the game. You, as a man, need to have thicker skin and you need to accept rejection, in whatever form delivered, with grace. Given your thread, and your perceptible defensive indignation at the feedback you've gotten, it's clear you need to handle criticism and rejection better.

 

Based on your OLD photos and your physical appearance, she was digging you (unless you catfished her) but obviously the way you behaved on the date killed that attraction. Women can lose attraction very quickly and completely over some little thing you said or did, a bad joke, an off-putting comment, a momentary demonstration of insecurity. Or, in your case, your lack of assertiveness and your passive, blah personality throughout the date. Boom, you're out. Again, they are primarily attracted to behavior, and you've got some holes in your game. The way forward is to work on your game. Luckily, it's something you can readily improve.

Edited November 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

After the date she decided she's not interested in you and she's not handling that the way you want her to. You may say you're not the type to challenge her on it if she would just come out and say that, but how does she know that? Soooo many men are not like that and it's tiresome to have to justify why you're not into someone.

 

I see nothing wrong with the way she's handling this, but then again, I'm a dumb woman, so.

[lavenderandvelvet]

Update:

 

I actually DO end up texting her earlier today asking how work was and then asking her out for early next week.

 

She responds 6 hours later (again) answering how work was, even giving a detail or two, asking how my day was, but completely ignoring my invite.

 

Gotta say I've never seen this type of rejection before. A person just terrified of being honest.

 

Done.

 

I find that dudes who are into me ask me out for a second date pretty fast. At least the next day. You made meaningless small talk and played some weird waiting game and she lost interest.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You're by no means a dumb woman but for an adult woman in her mid 30's to legitimately toy with a guy like she did with me in that response yesterday instead of either A) just being honest or B) Just ghost at that point, is in fact wrong.

 

She did not "legitimately toy" with you. She didn't answer with a yes, which I'd take as a no. She doesn't want to come out and say it for whatever reason.....I'd guess she caught on to the fact that you're an aggressive person. She doesn't want to take the chance of you trying to ask why and goad her into a second date anyway (it happens all the time). You see it as her being a coward, but it could just be self preservation based on her past experiences. Either way, she's not interested and that does not make her a bad person, despite being "36 and never married." :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

[Beachead]

Hey Mac,

 

This is the way I think about things.

 

I don't care much about strategies and tactics to gain someone's attention. I don't care much for playing games. I don't care for any of that. I hate texting and I think it leads to misunderstanding and confusion and takes all the humanity out of the conversation. It takes all our senses to really communicate and connect with a person and the only way to do this is to do it in person. Texts should only supplement the existing conversations that already had happen in person. If I have to manipulate a person for me to get her interest, she wasn't worth my time. I talk because I want to. I ask her out because I want to see her again. I make myself available because I like her. Insincerity is something I don't need in my life so if a person is bringing that right from the start..they're out.

 

Coming from that angle, I'm going to tell you be honest. Tell her you've been burned in the past a few times and because of that you're hesitant. Tell her you two have only been on one date and you don't know much about her yet but you do know that you really enjoyed it and you want to know more because you enjoy what you've shared so far..and ask her out on a date you already have planned and make sure you have a loose idea of what it'll be. Mini-golf and a food truck for the evening for example. Simple, fun, light, no pressure but a plan that allows you to get to know another more and loosen up. For some, being honest might be revealing your cards. In my books, it's direct and it gets down to what matters.

 

Because I assume this isn't about a one night stand. You're thinking about a potential relationship with her but being you've only had one date, you are obviously still sussing it all out. If that's the case, remember that she's not just testing you for compatibility, you're testing her. She's got to meet your expectations as well. If you two are to be in a relationship, then you want to make sure you're with someone who has demonstrated the capacity to show you respect, kindness, care, understanding, patience, forgiveness..just all around general love. The first demonstration of that love is to see how she responds to your honesty.

 

This is about mutual respect and about one human being opening up to another. You're both scared, you're both leaving yourself vulnerable, you both have pasts, baggage, life experiences..you're both human.

 

If she's into what she's experienced with you thus far, if she's sincere, if she's a good catch..she'll understand where you're coming from AND she will respect you that much more for your honesty. If she doesn't respond to you or if her response doesn't include her confirmation to your asking her out on a second date, forget her. Leave knowing you showed respect by being open and honest and she didn't care for it for whatever reason. If a person doesn't see the value in that, they're not someone you want to be with.

 

- Beach

Edited November 10, 2019 by Beachead

[Beachead]

Update:

 

I actually DO end up texting her earlier today asking how work was and then asking her out for early next week.

 

She responds 6 hours later (again) answering how work was, even giving a detail or two, asking how my day was, but completely ignoring my invite.

 

Gotta say I've never seen this type of rejection before. A person just terrified of being honest.

 

Done.

 

I just read this update. My apologies.

 

That's a polite rejection, as you know but I know it's not the rejection that hurts you so much, as it's the lack of directness from her. I know it's the accumulated damage you feel from past experiences. That a person can be the way they were with you in-person, and yet just pull away and go cold. You can't understand it because you would never do it. You feel helpless or played. Makes you feel like you can't trust anyone, like you can't trust your own judgement. It's a real mind job.

 

Feel as you feel and disregard those on here who seem to be judging you for being upset and expressing it as such. You're the one who put the effort in and went through this. You're the one who knows where you've been, what you've experienced etc. It's alright to hurt from it.

Edited November 10, 2019 by Beachead

[Highndry]

I find that dudes who are into me ask me out for a second date pretty fast. At least the next day. You made meaningless small talk and played some weird waiting game and she lost interest.

 

 

I have only recently learned that there are "rules" for dating. I never in my life waited a few days after a good date to ask her out again, and I was never rejected for not waiting. If a woman said to herself "geez, he's asking me out on a 2nd date too quickly so I'm going to say no" then she's obviously not a woman I want to waste my time with anyway.

[Highndry]

... I know it's the accumulated damage you feel from past experiences. That a person can be the way they were with you in-person, and yet just pull away and go cold. You can't understand it because you would never do it....

 

 

That's women, though. They're generally not going to be rude or reject a guy in person because they are way more vulnerable than we are. They don't know a guy and they're not going to risk getting hurt physically, or worse, so they are good at going with the flow. It really doesn't matter how or why a woman shows a lack of interest, all we need to know is it's a "no" and then we move on. The guys who can't quickly move on and get all wrapped up in one good date and subsequently bent out of shape are usually the dangerous ones. I'm not saying the OP is, but think about it.

[mortensorchid]

Unfortunately with OLD (as well with people in general) you have to be ready for people to just close the books and move on from you. I went through that recently when a job ended last spring. They waited until the last day to tell me on the phone that the job was eliminated and I wouldn't be returning next year. Everyone on staff rejected my friend requests on Facebook. Plus I left a theater company after 9 years and all of them pretty much vanished on me. It's disheartening to say the least, but that's life.

[Morello]

I think the others have already said a few important things, but I'd like to give my opinion.

 

1) No matter how successful first dates you went in your life, there's always room for improvement. I think that it's nice to have a good attitude about receiving criticism and you did receive to-the-point criticism. Your date game can certainly improve from how you described it.

 

2) Sometimes two people can have very different opinions on how a date went. The fact that she held your hand and kept active conversation beforehand and was overall nice to you does not make it compulsory for her to even reply to a message afterwards.

 

3) From what you wrote about your disappointments with women in the past, you are coming across as quite a resentful man. You seem to have had a few assumptions before you even met her. It's like you go to the date already expecting rejection and it all becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

4) It's very degrading the way you talk about her being single at 36. Like there's something wrong with her. But you are 35 and seem to think it's totally normal to be single and nothing wrong with you. Talk about double standards. Maybe you don't respect her much because of that and that might have come across.

 

5) The way you described your experience told us way more about your shortcomings than hers. Instead of focusing on what SHE did wrong, how about focusing on what YOU can do to improve? If you feel that your hurt from previous experiences is affecting your dating, therapy might be your friend.

 

Just think about one thing: the way you posted made almost everyone here having a negative opinion on how you dealt with the situation. Just take that as a hint there there may be things you can improve on.

[beentheredonethat77]

Have to agree with Morello here --- whilst i agree with Mac that we weren't on the date (as hes repeated), we are HERE, so the fact we all feel that there is an underlying bitterness seeping through here in your posts - this may be something you can use. I get you didn't act like that on the date or before (however you'd be amazed at the subtle nuances women can pick up, we are very intuitive).

 

I went on a date with a guy i was extremely excited about (and yes texted like a giddy school girl before the date). When i arrived i didn't care that he didn't look as traditionally handsome as his pics or any of the things that may bother some people -- i maintained my excitement and interest in him -- i was attracted to his personality and who i felt he may be. THEN, he starts speaking about his ex-wife -- it was subtle but disrespectful in a way that made me uncomfortable. The tone and manner in which he spoke even for less than 30 seconds told me that i just couldn't continue with this. It left a bad taste in my mouth and i just stopped feeling attraction .. there and then. He would never have known why, but i never saw him again --- In his mind the date was 'fantastic' and he'd never felt such chemistry. I politely thanked him and avoided a second date.

 

Anyway, moral to my story is sometimes its the most subtle of nuances and even an energy/vibe that women pick up on and it just turns them off. Perhaps consider you cant quite contain the bitterness from the past the way you think you can. Just consider it may have been what turned her off -- and then you have some power to avoid it happening in the future. If you still decide after serious introspection that its really her being weird/bizarre .. then you wont have to worry about this happening again then -- shes an anomaly.

Edited November 10, 2019 by beentheredonethat77

[Mac0908]

Again guys, I'm over it all by now, and I apologize to anyone I may have offended with my "tone", but as I implied earlier please know I don't mean any harm by any of it. As Beachead put it well, it's just all accumulated damage that nobody on here truly understands. If you want maybe just a TASTE of it, read my first ever thread that brought me to these forums almost 2 years ago.

 

I know in my heart and people who are close to me also know that I'm a good person. I've never raised my voice (or dare I say, hand) to a woman in my life and have never been in trouble with the law above a speeding ticket. Am I a bit sensitive? Sure. I am. But put yourself in my shoes with OLD and dating in general the last 5 years and I could bet my house on the fact that you'd understand and then some. But thank you for all the advice. Thank you for letting me vent.

 

THEN, he starts speaking about his ex-wife -- it was subtle but disrespectful in a way that made me uncomfortable. The tone and manner in which he spoke even for less than 30 seconds told me that i just couldn't continue with this. It left a bad taste in my mouth and i just stopped feeling attraction .. there and then. He would never have known why, but i never saw him again --- In his mind the date was 'fantastic' and he'd never felt such chemistry. I politely thanked him and avoided a second date.

 

Agree. Talking about ex's in a negative way is the biggest no no in the book for me. I think I learned that when I was 18. It's no big deal to very quickly and casually talk about an ex but if you bash them or have a bad tone when discussing it then it's one of the biggest turn offs for both men and women.

 

I never in my life waited a few days after a good date to ask her out again, and I was never rejected for not waiting. If a woman said to herself "geez, he's asking me out on a 2nd date too quickly so I'm going to say no" then she's obviously not a woman I want to waste my time with anyway.

Amen to that.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This is completely normal. I am a woman and men did the same when I was OLD. Went as far as to set next 2 dates at the end of the first one. Then to text me after I got home to tell me how much they look forward to seeing me again. And then.....I never heard from them again. I tried texting one and he replied with barely 2 words. Don't analyze it, it happens all the time.

[OatsAndHall]

To me, this sounds like a typical OLD situation. Here's my take, I could be wrong.

 

You were Rolodexed at the beginning; you started chatting and then she disappeared for a week as someone else caught her eye. Something didn't work out with the other guy she was chatting with, she got back to you and bombarded you with texts to try and pique your interest after going dark. Then, for whatever reason, the date didn't go well for her. And, now, I think you're right, she's pulling a slow fade; drastic changes in communication style, post date, generally indicate that.

 

This has happened to me via OLD on many occasions. It doesn't upset me; I just accept it as a part of the dating via the sites. If I were in your shoes, I'd ask her out on one more date and see how she responds. There's nothing wrong with giving it another go and see if something clicks. But, in the meantime, I would most assuredly be talking to other women.

Edited November 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Beachead]

@Highndry

 

They are way more vulnerable than we are.

 

We're all human, we're all vulnerable. Almost every dude I've spoken to over the years feels pain, stress, pressure, anxiety. Some of them struggle with depression. Many struggle with rejection, loneliness. It's just when it comes to all this, there is higher degree of expectation and pressure placed on men to deal with it quietly and not express it. I think many of us on here know this isn't a good way of dealing with pain and struggle because it leads to burying, bottling, and redirecting.

 

But, if you don't do that, if you don't stay calm, cool and collected..you'll find yourself judged for it. Your manhood is often challenged. You're considered weak, unfit, unstable, immature etc. Something that is perpetuated by dating culture, social media, other media. Something that is conditioned into us from childhood, by our day to day interactions with people who don't seem to realize they are active proponents of it. 1000's and 1000's of subliminal messages tell a person how to think, feel, look, dress, talk, act, live etc.

 

Women go through their own pressures and I know that. This is something we go through. We in general, need to be far more aware of the messages we are putting out there that place these unreasonable expectations on others and stop it.

 

And yes, I agree, to handle rejection, take the no and move on and yes these things are common in dating..but just because you know something, doesn't make it hurt less.

 

Mac0908 hurt from this experience. Sometimes its just nice to acknowledge a person's pain instead of judging him for it.

 

- Beach

Edited November 10, 2019 by Beachead

[some_username1]

I just read this update. My apologies.

 

That's a polite rejection, as you know but I know it's not the rejection that hurts you so much, as it's the lack of directness from her. I know it's the accumulated damage you feel from past experiences. That a person can be the way they were with you in-person, and yet just pull away and go cold. You can't understand it because you would never do it. You feel helpless or played. Makes you feel like you can't trust anyone, like you can't trust your own judgement. It's a real mind job.

 

Feel as you feel and disregard those on here who seem to be judging you for being upset and expressing it as such. You're the one who put the effort in and went through this. You're the one who knows where you've been, what you've experienced etc. It's alright to hurt from it.

 

An astutely compassionate post in a sea of bile. Well played.

[LivingWaterPlease]

An astutely compassionate post in a sea of bile. Well played.

 

Seems to me it's a kindness to OP to let him know that he may have presented himself to the woman based on pain from rejections he felt in the past and also that when someone is taking a lot of time and very kindly offering constructive help, it makes sense to treat them courteously. This will help OP out in many different situations he encounters, not only with women.

 

Many of us have met up with men like OP who have a lot to offer, who we're attracted to, and unbeknownst to them their negativity comes off when we spend time to them.

 

Letting OP know how he is coming across to others on the forum and that the same attitude could have affected his interaction with the woman is total kindness. This way his next interaction with a woman may be different because he has realized he has things he can do to change the way his experience seems to be going!

[TheFinalWord]

From my experience, when women disappear like that, it's because there's another guy in the picture and they don't want to tell you.

 

If they come back around to you, only accept them back if they apologize for ghosting. Otherwise, they'll think they can do anything they want and you won't do anything about it.

[some_username1]

Seems to me it's a kindness to OP to let him know that he may have presented himself to the woman based on pain from rejections he felt in the past and also that when someone is taking a lot of time and very kindly offering constructive help, it makes sense to treat them courteously. This will help OP out in many different situations he encounters, not only with women.

 

Many of us have met up with men like OP who have a lot to offer, who we're attracted to, and unbeknownst to them their negativity comes off when we spend time to them.

 

Letting OP know how he is coming across to others on the forum and that the same attitude could have affected his interaction with the woman is total kindness. This way his next interaction with a woman may be different because he has realized he has things he can do to change the way his experience seems to be going!

 

I agree OP is snarky and defensive, but there’s also been some unwarranted tough love. As if he has no right to feel any sort of disappointment because of how he was treated.

 

I agree with the earlier poster: OP was criticised very harshly about the 6 hour thing. We ALL know that subconsciously we keep a log of someone’s ‘natural behaviour’ and when someone deviates from ther natural behaviour (takes 6 hours to reply when usually they take 15 or 30) we get suspicious. And you know what? OP was right (as anyone with any sense knew he was) so to belittle him because his hair trigger went off when most of ours would do the same is poor form, imo.

Edited November 10, 2019 by some_username1

[Tristian]

After some house cleaning I'll take a moment to remind everyone about our Civility&Respect Guidelines.

 

 

Alternate opinions are always welcomed here. A person is not required to agree with those opinions but they are required to disagree politely and respectfully. Moving on........

[LivingWaterPlease]

I agree OP is snarky and defensive, but there’s also been some unwarranted tough love. As if he has no right to feel any sort of disappointment because of how he was treated.

 

I agree with the earlier poster: OP was criticised very harshly about the 6 hour thing. We ALL know that subconsciously we keep a log of someone’s ‘natural behaviour’ and when someone deviates from ther natural behaviour (takes 6 hours to reply when usually they take 15 or 30) we get suspicious. And you know what? OP was right (as anyone with any sense knew he was) so to belittle him because his hair trigger went off when most of ours would do the same is poor form, imo.

 

Thanks for your kindness in taking time to respond to my post, someusername!

 

I can understand how OP would feel disappointed about how his brief R turned out and I think LS is a great place to come to process disappointment.

 

As I recall what stood out to me as negative wasn't OP's expression of disappointment but rather that one poster was trying to be genuinely helpful yet seemed to me to be getting repeatedly slapped down by OP, though the poster seemed to have OP's best interests at heart.

 

When I see that type of thing happening IRL or on a forum I naturally speak up. That's why I posted.

 

I believe there were more examples of negativity toward others that have been mentioned already so I don't see how it would help to repost them.

 

I have thought since posting that OP does seem to be really down-hearted and I really hope he feels better soon. I think the future looks good for him (because he seems intelligent, expressive, is reaching out for help rather than brooding alone, and someone posted he had a good profile photo) as he focuses on being courteous to others even when he is disappointed or has been mistreated.

 

I take exception to your comment, "as anyone with any sense knows," just because I don't believe "anyone with any sense" always sees things the same way.

 

Also, the comment you posted about "sea of bile" seemed a little extreme to me, since we often see tough love (not that this thread included tough love or not, that's not the point) happening on LS and it can be very helpful.

 

As for the six-hour-deviating from natural behavior thing I get it, agree, and didn't have that in mind when posting.

[Mac0908]

Well I wanted to be done with this thread but I do feel kind of obligated to post this (bizarre) UPDATE:

 

So for those following I last left off where I was getting what felt like the cold shoulder texting wise but I still asked this woman out again for kicks if nothing else just to put an end to this all (This was Friday). My message also including asking her how work was going. She responded to the work part, asked me how my day was, but completely ignored my invite for a second date which would be for this Monday. I was done. The next morning (Saturday) I casually responded saying "My day was good, thanks. Glad yours was too.". I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of failing her test by getting mad at her. Too many other women out there for me to cry about this one.

 

Then shockingly, Saturday evening she texts me ANSWERING my date invite. (lol) She says she is spending her day off Monday with family but is not sure how late she will be home but would be up for a drink. She then asks if she can get back to me tomorrow (Sunday). I say "Sure, that sounds good". Then suddenly she asks me how my weekend is going. I respond a couple hours later and she does the same. Sunday came and went with NO contact from her about our potential date for Monday.

 

Finally this morning, 9am, she texts me saying sorry for the late notice and how she's not going to be home until much later "But can we get together another time?"

 

At this point while I'm curious what everyone thinks, I personally have never seen this kind of bizarre behavior from a woman before. I'm not only turned off, but I truly have no more interest in seeing her again. Whatever her game is, attention seeking, validation seeking, or whether I'm just low priority and she's communicating with me however she wants whenever she wants, I want no part of it. Good luck to her.

[some_username1]

I read the bit about her getting back to you offering to go on another date and thought to myself “she’s not serious”...and I was right.

 

I think you had the measure of her all along OP. We can talk idealistically about “it’s only been six hours” but when you are in the situation, you just know. That is what our gut feeling is there for- to tell us when something has changed and things aren’t right and we need to investigate exactly what is not right.

 

She’s a chancer who has probably had all her other options blow her off and she needs someone on stand by to answer her messages and make her feel like she is still desirable and still can get a date if she wants one.

 

She’s given you all the warning you need now, bin her off. Please don’t be on here starting a thread in a month’s time complaining about how this girl is stringing you along!

Edited November 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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