Blown off??? Surprised.

[Mac0908]

Had a very nice date with an attractive woman this past Tuesday. She's 36 going on 37. Extremely nice, but also very shy as she herself stated. I turned 35 two months ago and I'm a bit more of the outgoing type, at least on dates. We hit it off very nicely chatting on a dating site and mid convo she suddenly disappeared for an entire week. Always find it weird when they do that. Kinda tells me they aren't that serious about dating. And I hate to say it, but an attractive single woman at 36, it makes me wonder even more what the deal is. Anyway she finally wrote back a week later this past Saturday and gave me her number. I instantly set the date up and the next thing I know she starts texting me the next day trying to get to know me more/asking how my weekend was, etc. This went on for the next 2 days until the Tuesday date. I'm all about NOT texting a lot before first dates at all, so while I answered her, I did so casually and didn't really go too deep. Even on the DAY of the date just hours before we were to meet she's texting me asking how my day was. A bit much I thought, but I'm not really complaining.

 

The date itself went very well. Not the most spectacular/be all end all/making out nonstop date of all time but the convo was nice and she seemed to enjoy herself. She even makes it known to me to my face that she's "Looking for someone to grow old with" and asks me if I felt the same. I said yes. Also says that she "Isn't getting any younger", etc, etc, things like that. At the end of our time at the bar however she tells me she is going to take the RAILROAD home as opposed to the subway. She knew from the start that I was taking the railroad as well so I viewed this as a good sign seeing as how if she wasn't into it she'd be looking to go the opposite way. As we're crossing the street on the walk to the train station she runs ahead of me fast as the light had turned green and reaches back to grab my hand. I grabbed it for a few seconds. Well that's a good sign, I thought. Was it just impulse on her end, or was there some substance to it I wondered? I thought the latter so I then took the opportunity to hold her hand once in the train station and she casually let go a few seconds in. Wasn't drastic but it just seemed like ok, maybe she wasn't ready to act like a couple in the middle of a train station 2 hours into knowing a person. Didn't really think too much of it, but whatever. We then had very nice chemistry on the train ride home and she liked how I was knowledgeable about the trains. I told her to text me when she gets home and she then told me to do the same (I lived about 20 minutes further). Before she got off we were both standing up and I grabbed her hand one more time, to try and get some touching going on her way out. She reciprocated this time a little more than earlier but then casually let go again. Figured who knows, maybe she's just extremely shy after all. She told me several times on the date she has a bit of a "guard up" with guys. In any event this whole vibe led to me only giving her a small kiss on the cheek and a hug goodbye which I hate doing as it comes off as too friendly, but I still felt extremely good about the night overall and would have bet for certain there would be a second date.

 

She texts me saying she's home, thanks for the drinks and the "train tour" and says "It was great meeting you". I text I'm home now too and i'm glad she liked the train. She writes back again to me saying "I did! That was fast, [Mac]. Not far at all."... IMO she didn't have to write back again, but she did and I viewed that as a positive sign. I was into this chick and was all for a second date in the near future. The next day, Weds, I text her around 1pm referencing something funny from our date. Pre-date she has never gone more than 20 minutes before responding, even at work. The next thing I knew it was 6pm and there was never a response. Make no mistake there's no coincidence I thought. I was being faded on. Finally at 7pm, that's right, 7pm, she writes back casually, non enthusiastically. She actually asks a (meaningless) question along with the text to which I respond to at 9pm, and that was it. Absolutely no further communication from her since.

 

So yeah, looks like the typical slow fade blowoff. But the reason I'm pissed off is, if you're not into me and are gonna fade on me, fine. But don't:

 

-Reach for my hand while crossing a street

-Choose to take the train home with me after the date

-Send warm/nice texts post date

-Text nonstop before the date like you're this super nice girl who would never hard fade on a guy. Just be honest if nothing else.

 

I'll probably text her one last time several days from now asking her out for kicks, making her actually blow me off in black and white, but sometimes I just can't get over how difficult this game is, and how bizarre women can be.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

It's not just women who do this.

 

She may have needed time to process the date to figure out if she was interested in a second one.

 

It's not always safe for a woman to outright reject a man. Some men won't accept it gracefully, no matter how nicely done.

 

This was ONE date. Get over it.

 

You're coming across as bitter and entitled. Are you sure you're ready to date anyone?

[smackie9]

She has her guard up....that means she wanted to know how interested you really were. Holding your cards close to your chest doesn't always work. She wants a man to be into her and show it romantically. She left the ground work in the after date text to be asked out again, with some added buttering up compliment to see her value. That didn't happen. So she already passed judgement on you. Maybe a good thing, and you dodged a bullet.

[schlumpy]

Grow a thicker skin or don't use OLD. If you continue with OLD this will happen many times.

[clia]

I don't really follow why you think you've been blown off. Because it took her 6 hours to respond to your text? Are you serious?

 

Have you asked her out on another date yet?

[Mac0908]

You don’t get it, and that’s ok. Maybe you have to re-read. When I report back in a few days with news of an “official” blow off, you will.

 

The woman was texting seemingly nonstop before we met. Coming to me first, mind you. Talking and asking about everything under the sun, be it the weather, our respective parents, siblings, our jobs, etc. The person never took more than 20-30 minutes to respond to a text either, ever, even while at work, in these several days. All days in a ROW might I add on. She was a texter, plain and simple. Since the day after the date there has been RADIO SILENCE aside from one mundane response nearly 7 hours later after I reached out to her.

 

When you read all of the above, any level headed human being can kinda pick up the fact that the woman is no longer interested.

Edited November 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[clia]

You don’t get it, and that’s ok. Maybe you have to re-read. When I report back in a few days with news of an “official” blow off, you will.

 

I did read it.

 

From what I can see she gave you her number on Saturday, which was when you set up the date for Tuesday.

 

She then spent Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday before your date texting you quite a bit.

 

You have a nice date on Tuesday and she gives you a number of indications that she's interested.

 

The next day you text her. You get upset because it takes her 6 hours to respond and assume she's blown you off.

 

You don't even know her. For all you know she was swamped at work, had meetings all afternoon, etc. Three days of texting does not establish enough of a pattern to assume you've been blown off. Maybe she had slow days at work on Monday or Tuesday so she had more time than usual.

 

If she was blowing you off, why bother responding to you at all?

 

I'll note that you also haven't texted her in the past two days either.

 

I have no idea if she is blowing you off or not, but I think you might've jumped the gun. I think you should've set up a date with her for this weekend, but that ship has sailed at this point.

Edited November 8, 2019 by clia

[Mac0908]

The next day you text her. You get upset because it takes her 6 hours to respond and assume she's blown you off.

 

You don't even know her. For all you know she was swamped at work, had meetings all afternoon, etc. Three days of texting does not establish enough of a pattern to assume you've been blown off. Maybe she had slow days at work on Monday or Tuesday so she had more time than usual. <SNIP>

 

It’s called a slow fade, that’s why she responded anyway. Look it up.

 

I’ll be texting her Sunday asking her out. Trust me though when I say it doesn’t look good.

Edited November 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Calmandfocused]

I think your reading this wrong op.

 

She was communicating with you the night of the date after it happened. She said she had a good time. That was your cue to say “fancy doing it again?”. But you didn’t. Why not?

 

I think she thinks you are not interested hence she’s withdrawing.

 

Ask her out again, see what happens. You may have missed the boat but it’s worth a try.

[Mac0908]

So Bc I didn’t ask her out right smack minutes after the first date she’s done with me? If that was the case with any woman I’d want to stay as far away from them as possible.

[rjc149]

I wasn't there. I'm interpreting from the information you've provided.

 

You did not create any attraction. You did not escalate touch. I'm willing to bet the conversation was very conversational and not flirty and playfully teasing. There was no sexual tension. You were attracted to her but you did not *go for her.* So it ended with a peck on her cheek and a hug. Nice platonic talk about train knowledge, then a few feeble, hesitant attempts to hold her hand. That was the climax of the date, the extent of your physical escalation with her.

 

She 'had her guard up' because by that point, there was no attraction. You were not showing her attraction, you were not being dominant and masculine and attractive by escalating and making the move.

 

Women don't 'have their guard up' to men they are attracted to at the end of a date. She was trying to let you down easily, because outright "black and white" rejecting a man to his face can be dangerous for her.

 

I'm not trying to rag on you but I think it's obvious you put yourself in the friend zone, hence no 2nd date.

Edited November 8, 2019 by rjc149

[Mac0908]

I wasn't there. I'm interpreting from the information you've provided.

<SNIP>

 

Good post. I’m not going to say you’re dead wrong. Actually prob a pretty good chance you’re very right. The only thing I’ll say at 35 after wayy too many dates is that while it wasn’t the most spectacular conversation of all time setting up a second date on the spot kind of thing, it WAS pretty nice conversation overall. I was very disappointed when I realized we were at an unusually large table for drinks that made us far apart. I even joked with her one point how she’s so far away from me. Is what it is I guess. Thanks for the post.

Edited November 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[rjc149]

You're welcome.

 

Yep, on 1st dates you should always try to sit next to each other at the bar, or at a small cocktail table. If she suggests sitting at a table, push back a bit. "No, let's sit at the bar." It's much easier to read her body language, gauge her attraction level, and organically escalate touch throughout the date when you're sitting right beside her, without a physical barrier. You'll know if she's closed off or opening up to you much more easily.

 

If you end up across from her at a table, do a venue change if things seem to be going well, and then sit as close to her as possible at the new place.

[Mac0908]

Well if nothing else we did at least get to have a walk together on the way to the train station then sat directly next to each other on the way home in a rather private section of the train. But I guess by that time it was too little too late, who knows. I didn’t do anything terribly wrong and had a nice enough time to where I definitely would have liked to see her again. If it wasn’t good enough for her then good luck to her 36 year old never married self. I have a lot to offer and she knew that too. Oh well.

Edited November 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[rjc149]

I've been there. When you start all of a sudden getting touchy and flirty on the walk out of the venue, it's incongruent to her. The idea is that you escalate like you're turning up a dimmer. You can't just flip on a switch.

 

You didn't do anything wrong, but that's the thing -- you were too neutral. There wasn't any excitement or tension. It was a friendly convo and a train ride home. That's not going to make a girl want you.

 

And don't take it personally man. Women are attracted to behavior, and you can change your behavior and improve yourself. She wasn't into this current version of you. So upgrade to Mac0908 2.0. It's very possible that had you behaved like a confident, playful, slightly cocky and assertive man, she would have gone home with you. Just be that guy next time.

Edited November 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[Mac0908]

The last thing I'll say to you is, and I appreciate you meaning well, but you don't have to treat me like I'm some newbie in the dating game that needs to step it up to Master Pickup Artist levels. I've been on a million second dates and had plenty flings and have been with plenty of women. Good looking women. Do you think I've never gone on a date JUST like this past Tuesday but instead got a second date out of it? I sure have. Heck, I can tell you times where a first date was as basic as it could be and I ended up sleeping with the girl weeks later.

 

Point is, and not to take ALL the blame off of myself bc yes I could have done things better, is the women (or for the women reading, even the men) are to blame a lot of the time too. Whether it be pickiness, overall weirdness, or the newfound thing I've noticed - just the lack of being super serious about dating in general, a lot of the time us men just end up being out with someone who's on a different level looking for a different thing, and it really WASN'T so much anything we did, or said.

 

Like you said yourself, you weren't there. This wasn't a bad date. While yes there was plenty of basic conversation, I was a bit funny at times, I was a bit flirty, and I certainly was a bit assertive trying to hold her hand, telling her exactly where to meet me when she got there, looking up her train time for her, directing her to where we needed to go once in the train station, telling her to text me when she got home, etc.

 

Like I said, 36, attractive, and a single woman never married? You just don't know. Probably a pretty good reason for that. If she doesn't want me and all I have to offer, then adios and good luck to her trying to continue to find that 'perfect' guy. Women are sexually active and dating since they are around the age of 15. That's 21 years where this woman has somehow never been able to find a man to settle down with. That alone is a bit of a red flag, as harsh as that is to say.

Edited November 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[chillii]

You don’t get it, and that’s ok. Maybe you have to re-read. When I report back in a few days with news of an “official” blow off, you will.

 

The woman was texting seemingly nonstop before we met. Coming to me first, mind you. Talking and asking about everything under the sun, be it the weather, our respective parents, siblings, our jobs, etc. The person never took more than 20-30 minutes to respond to a text either, ever, even while at work, in these several days. All days in a ROW might I add on. She was a texter, plain and simple. Since the day after the date there has been RADIO SILENCE aside from one mundane response nearly 7 hours later after I reached out to her.

 

When you read all of the above, any level headed human being can kinda pick up the fact that the woman is no longer interested.

 

How the hell you expect anyone to read all of the above.

Especially when all it comes down to is she took a few hours to reply in the end, Jesus.

You've met now she's probably gonna need time to soke it all in. And then of course there's all the internet advice, don't respond too quick don't sound too keen bla bla bla. Who knows yet what she's doin. Give it a few days.

 

As far as could've done things differently, you did ok , if she's into it,you whatever won't matter.

So have you heard from her since now.

Edited November 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed spacing

[Mac0908]

all it comes down to is she took a few hours to reply in the end, Jesus.

 

Comes down to a lot more than just that, but ok, you obviously understand.

 

So have you heard from her since now.

 

No.

[preraph]

A lot of women are not comfortable sitting on a bar stool. But at a table, you can certainly sit next to her and not across the table. So you can hear her.

[Mac0908]

Update:

 

I actually DO end up texting her earlier today asking how work was and then asking her out for early next week.

 

She responds 6 hours later (again) answering how work was, even giving a detail or two, asking how my day was, but completely ignoring my invite.

 

Gotta say I've never seen this type of rejection before. A person just terrified of being honest.

 

Done.

Edited November 8, 2019 by Mac0908

[rjc149]

The last thing I'll say to you is, and I appreciate you meaning well, but you don't have to treat me like I'm some newbie in the dating game that needs to step it up to Master Pickup Artist levels. I've been on a million second dates and had plenty flings and have been with plenty of women. Good looking women. Do you think I've never gone on a date JUST like this past Tuesday but instead got a second date out of it? I sure have. Heck, I can tell you times where a first date was as basic as it could be and I ended up sleeping with the girl weeks later.

 

Point is, and not to take ALL the blame off of myself bc yes I could have done things better, is the women (or for the women reading, even the men) are to blame a lot of the time too. Whether it be pickiness, overall weirdness, or the newfound thing I've noticed - just the lack of being super serious about dating in general, a lot of the time us men just end up being out with someone who's on a different level looking for a different thing, and it really WASN'T so much anything we did, or said.

 

Like you said yourself, you weren't there. This wasn't a bad date. While yes there was plenty of basic conversation, I was a bit funny at times, I was a bit flirty, and I certainly was a bit assertive trying to hold her hand, telling her exactly where to meet me when she got there, looking up her train time for her, directing her to where we needed to go once in the train station, telling her to text me when she got home, etc.

 

Like I said, 36, attractive, and a single woman never married? You just don't know. Probably a pretty good reason for that. If she doesn't want me and all I have to offer, then adios and good luck to her trying to continue to find that 'perfect' guy. Women are sexually active and dating since they are around the age of 15. That's 21 years where this woman has somehow never been able to find a man to settle down with. That alone is a bit of a red flag, as harsh as that is to say.

 

Wasn't trying to talk down to you or strike a bad chord. Off the record, you do seem a little touchy, and not the most laid-back, playful, secure guy. Maybe she picked up on this. And to be blunt, you're posting on a forum about a 1st date that didn't lead to a 2nd date, where it was fairly obvious where you came up short, so I gathered that you were here looking for advice.

 

If the date went very well, and you did you part, you would have escalated touch and went for the kiss. Simple as that. Or, you would have gathered from her overall demeanor that she was closing herself off, and you would have cut bait. No use analyzing the details.

 

Not every date is going to go well, you're right. Not every girl is going to dig you, no matter how attractive you can be, or how tight your game is. You can chalk it up to the chick, or you can chalk it up to yourself. Personally, I like framing these things in terms of my ability to control the outcome. I've had plenty of 1st dates that bombed. Yeah, maybe it was her. Maybe she was prude, or weird, or too much of a liberal, or maybe she didn't like my face or the cut of my jib. Whatever.

 

But, maybe I wasn't as good as I could have been. That's what I fixate on. If anything, it's easier on my ego.

[Lotsgoingon]

The response with respond to a date request? That a classic maneuver, deployed by men and women since the dawn of human history.

 

The person being asked just doesn't feel comfortable saying, "No, I do not want to go out with you. Ever." But they like the other person, so they're willing to talk/text some.

 

This woman is shy, you say. Heck lots of really player women ... bold women also use this maneuver .. and confession: Yes, I've used it ...

 

Her response is the equivalent of meeting someone at a party or reception and asking them out ... and then hearing an answer, like "OK" or "Maybe" or "We'll see. I'm really busy right now." Oh ... and hearing this in a flat voice.

 

She's not interested. And I would say, from the way you described the first date, you also are not really interested. Why are you focusing on this woman?

[beentheredonethat77]

I agree you do seem a little touchy..I definitely dont get your curtness back to Rjc149 - i thought his/her posts were particularly encouraging/supportive --- who cares if you didn't think he/she gave you full credit for your dating experience? its not about ego here, its about learning what you can about what you describe as 'bizarre' behavior by women.

 

Now, as a woman, i'll try to shine some light where i can, as i can definitely relate to some of her behaviors.

 

1. The texting up until the date. I have actually found myself doing this sometimes -- its partially nerves, partially excitement. Also, the shy part of me wants to bond as much as i can quickly before the date.. sort of like cramming.. sort of like "hey hold my hand so we can do this together.. as im nervous!". This is also coming from someone who isn't shy, im very social.. but dating can be nerve-wrecking.

2. Grabbing hand as cross road -- ive done this type of thing before, it feels enjoyable to show affection on a date, even mildy... its also 'trying it on' to see how it feels/fits with a certain person. Ive touched arms and stroked hands on dates to see how it feels with them -- and sometimes walked away thinking 'didn't feel as it should, not going to see them again'.

3. I always message sweetly after a date regardless of if i intend on seeing them again -- its polite and just how I was raised, to thank someone sincerely for the date.

4. The ignoring your invite in the text part --- Ok, so i do this rarely.. however, in the times i do, its because i find the person difficult to be honest with, i sense they will say something curt/rude/or possibly aggressive in response. I want to avoid the whole interaction because i can see it wont be pleasant.

 

One thing i will say though, is you were 100% right to sense the slow fade off the bat- your instincts were right and i agree if she was messaging you so quickly then suddenly nothing for hours. As far as her behavior though, i dont see anything bizarre, seems pretty typical for someone who was nervous, shy and ultimately not 'feeling' you or the general vibe.

 

NEXT, like you said.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, your posts come across as snarky and defensive.

 

There is a chance that she (or other women) is picking up on this in person, or through your messages, and it could be part of the reason you're striking out.

[Highndry]

I'm not sure if it's just your writing style but you sound rigid and combative.