anxiety_aerial Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 Dear people from Loveshack, I made a small mistake last night with my girl. Last night, she and I have been talking a bit before bed. She hasn't had her period for a while, so her mood has been cranky/sad and so forth. And she can more or less misunderstand things easily because of her hormones as she mentioned. Her hormones are piling up and she becomes more "sensitive" if you can say that. There was a situation once where a guy was hitting on her constantly and so forth. I didn't say anything about it. I was just going with the flow and laughing whenever he made his attempts and so forth. last night, I said something about it. When she brought him up AGAIN. Where he made her laugh with his failed flirting attempts. I firstly just reacted in a neutral kind of way, un-amused and so forth. Like a basic "okay lol". And she thought I was mad about it. I said I wasn't at first and that everything is fine, "you're lying". I said: "Yes i am". and I simply explained that I just felt a bit discomfort about it that he kept on trying (don't get me wrong, i'm honestly a chill guy and she has a lot of guy friends. So i have no issues whatsoever with her hanging out with guys or something like that. But i don't know.. I felt a big triggered last night about it. And I said something about it, but she kept apologizing for acting like a bitch and blaming it on her heavy period. I accepted it... But it made me a bit down after our first ever fight basically. We had a good laugh in the end. But the thoughts of her thinking that i'm insecure & jealous is just... too big at the moment. Is there anything I can do about this? I just need to find a way to stop thinking about it, and just accept that she doesn't see me as a jealous kind of person. Because I already mentioned, and she said "I know that you're not a jealous guy, so just chill". But she more or less said that if he's doing it again that she's simply saying "**** off" and stuff like that. That he can't talk to her like that, that he's annoying and those sort of things. But was it wrong for me to acknowledge that I wasn't comfortable with it? Anyways, thanks for reading. And I sure would like to hear out on your opinion what to do about it... It's simply me and overthinking through things. From a woman's perspective, does she think that i'm a jealous person now? that i'm possesive? etc
ExpatInItaly Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 I'm a woman. You need a backbone. Stop worrying about if she sees you as jealous, and start getting real with her and yourself that her lack of boundaries with flirty male friends is indeed a problem. She needs to respect your relationship more, and you're trying to hard to be the "cool" boyfriend at the expense of your actual feelings. That is the problem. 2
Art_Critic Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 She hasn't had her period for a while, so her mood has been cranky/sad and so forth. but she kept apologizing for acting like a bitch and blaming it on her heavy period. I accepted it... dude.. really... I do agree with the above poster that you need a backbone when she is triggering you.. but you also need to alter the way you think about her and her period, the quotes above show a dismissive attitude toward her and her period.
hippychick3 Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 Sounds like she was trying to make you jealous. She wanted a reaction from you. No guy is going to be laid back and chill about other guys hitting on their girlfriend. That doesn’t make you needy or insecure at all. 1
lurker74 Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 In all likelihood, she WANTS you to be upset. Women, or at least most, do not want a controlling, overbearing man. But many want a man that stakes out his territory in a relationship. It makes them feel desired and wanted. It would be better communicated in other ways but sometimes you take what you can get. Tell her that she needs to tell him that she has a boyfriend and then block or ignore him if he continues. Then tell her that if she can't tell him that, you will do it for her. My bet is that she'll be happier after that behavior. If she is, tell her next time not to pull that sh_t, kindly of course.
Author anxiety_aerial Posted November 7, 2019 Author Posted November 7, 2019 dude.. really... I do agree with the above poster that you need a backbone when she is triggering you.. but you also need to alter the way you think about her and her period, the quotes above show a dismissive attitude toward her and her period. It's not how I think it... It literally were her words But yeah, I suppose I need a backbone. I just hate the thinking that she has a view sometimes that I'm jealous or something like that. I used to be, in my 1st relationship. 2nd was improved completely. So the inexperienced problems weren't there at all. I just want this relationship to go well. Yes I am letting things slide. She is friend zoning these guys. And in the end they become normal friends in my opinion. She just hates hurting them. So what she's doing is just ignoring them and making her point if things get annoying.
Author anxiety_aerial Posted November 7, 2019 Author Posted November 7, 2019 I'm a woman. You need a backbone. Stop worrying about if she sees you as jealous, and start getting real with her and yourself that her lack of boundaries with flirty male friends is indeed a problem. She needs to respect your relationship more, and you're trying to hard to be the "cool" boyfriend at the expense of your actual feelings. That is the problem. The thing is, i'm having struggles sometimes leaving the good message basically without letting someone misunderstand the meaning of it. What would be the best way to do this anyway, without overcoming something negative, and that you simply want something to be changed for the sake of what you two have? Our mutual friends have already told it to me plenty of times. "Dude, she's already yours. Don't worry about it"
smackie9 Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 She brought it up because she's feeling insecure and wanted to draw your attention to herself. The ol' $%^& test crap to make herself feel better, and that she is desired. She got mad because it did work. And now she thinks you don't care so she starts throwing accusations. She's got low self esteem. She flirts and fritters around with these orbiters to boost her ego. I agree with the others you need to set boundaries with her or this pattern of behavior will never stop. Tell her, if she still needs the affirmation of male attention, then that means you and this relationship are not enough for her. So what would be the point of being together??
Gaeta Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 She just hates hurting them. That's laughable. But it's ok to hurt you? She has no boundaries, no respect for you & your relationship. When a man hits on me I dismiss him right there on the spot! I am not rude, I simply indicate I am in a relationship. Who is that gonna hurt?? No one! These guys aren't her friends, they're dudes trying their luck and then she makes friends with them?? what kind of BS is that? 2
Gaeta Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 This is your 3rd thread about her letting guys hit on her! Aren't you tired of this disrespect? Stop playing cool ! Then you wonder why you get cheated on! Stop dating women with this type of unacceptable behavior. 1
DrNo1962 Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 WTF dude! Forget about her for a sec, why are you entertaining such behaviour? You're sending the message that the commitment you have with her isn't worth much when you act all cool/aloof/indifferent about it. If you value a committed relationship, then show it by being direct and let her know what your boundaries are. Entertaining flirtatious behaviour from other guys is so disrespectful, it goes against the whole point of a relationship (which is to give and make your partner feel supported). 1
schlumpy Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 Why are you so worried about being jealous? Jealousy is a perfectly good emotion. Use it to stamp out the small fires before they consume the forest. She was probing you to see what your reaction would be. You may have failed that test try to do better in the future. Better yet find a higher quality women. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 This allowing guys to continually flirt with her (without her disrupting it) SHOULD bother you.
Rockdad Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 Jealousy is a perfectly good emotion. Would you explain how that is?
schlumpy Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 Would you explain how that is? Certainly. All emotions are motivators. I can admire someone's accomplishments and wish I were as petent but my admiration alone will not allow me to rise to the next level but being jealous will. Jealousy will give the internal drive I need to better myself. In the Op's case - jealousy will motivate him to keep his GF from running off with other guys. You didn't state your concern but I suspect you are thinking of people who use emotion to drive their actions instead of a modifier for rational thought. It usually doesn't work out all that well for them but just because there is some negativity to jealousy does not mean it doesn't have it's positive attributes.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 Our mutual friends have already told it to me plenty of times. "Dude, she's already yours. Don't worry about it" This is bad advice. Being "yours" is fine and dandy, but that should not give her license to toy with boundaries and engage in behaviour that doesn't honor the integrity of your relationship. There is a difference between seeming jealous and being a total doormat. The latter isn't good either. You need to learn how to speak up.
preraph Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 When you talk to her about it, don't get sidelined onto other subjects or instances. Focus on this one and tell her she has failed to do anything to make this guy stop flirting with her and that it's up to her and she is not helpless in the situation, no matter where or what it is. Next time she tells you that you are insecure, tell her you don't appreciate her gaslighting you over something she could put a stop to. Don't be nice about it either. Be humorless and look her right in the eye but keep your voice low and not at a yelling pitch. It's actually much more effective to calm as ice deliver serious messages. Think Clint Eastwood... 1
Rockdad Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 Schlumpy thank you for your response and something for myself to consider when it comes to that subj. It is an emotion that both my wife and I in our previous marriages endured years of mental beatings by extremely jealous ex's. In my wife's case it included physical beatings. It's something we are both admittedly sensitive about and find it rather repugnant.
lakerman34 Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 Dear people from Loveshack, I made a small mistake last night with my girl. Last night, she and I have been talking a bit before bed. She hasn't had her period for a while, so her mood has been cranky/sad and so forth. And she can more or less misunderstand things easily because of her hormones as she mentioned. Her hormones are piling up and she becomes more "sensitive" if you can say that. There was a situation once where a guy was hitting on her constantly and so forth. I didn't say anything about it. I was just going with the flow and laughing whenever he made his attempts and so forth. last night, I said something about it. When she brought him up AGAIN. Where he made her laugh with his failed flirting attempts. I firstly just reacted in a neutral kind of way, un-amused and so forth. Like a basic "okay lol". And she thought I was mad about it. I said I wasn't at first and that everything is fine, "you're lying". I said: "Yes i am". and I simply explained that I just felt a bit discomfort about it that he kept on trying (don't get me wrong, i'm honestly a chill guy and she has a lot of guy friends. So i have no issues whatsoever with her hanging out with guys or something like that. But i don't know.. I felt a big triggered last night about it. And I said something about it, but she kept apologizing for acting like a bitch and blaming it on her heavy period. I accepted it... But it made me a bit down after our first ever fight basically. We had a good laugh in the end. But the thoughts of her thinking that i'm insecure & jealous is just... too big at the moment. Is there anything I can do about this? I just need to find a way to stop thinking about it, and just accept that she doesn't see me as a jealous kind of person. Because I already mentioned, and she said "I know that you're not a jealous guy, so just chill". But she more or less said that if he's doing it again that she's simply saying "**** off" and stuff like that. That he can't talk to her like that, that he's annoying and those sort of things. But was it wrong for me to acknowledge that I wasn't comfortable with it? Anyways, thanks for reading. And I sure would like to hear out on your opinion what to do about it... It's simply me and overthinking through things. From a woman's perspective, does she think that i'm a jealous person now? that i'm possesive? etc Something similar happened with my girlfriend and I. I, obviously, don't know the ENTIRE story with you two, but I'd guess mine was worse. I'll tell you two separate stories: 1) My partner's sisters live in Mexico. One was getting married. She and I were dating for 4 months, and I was her +1. At the wedding, one of the groom's very drunk brother-in-laws (who was married and just had a kid), repeatedly came over to my partner whispering in her ear about how beautiful she was. Not once but twice. I told my girlfriend later that I give him a pass now, but if he tried that **** again, I'm getting in his face (and I'm a very large man). She rolled her eyes, said it was fine, I had nothing to worry about, violence is not the answer. Whatever. 2) Also when we first started dating, we were at a bar late one night on a weekend. A guy walks in. Older fellow, in his 40s (my partner and I are just shy of 30). She says, "awww man, I know that guy." I joked, "did you sleep with him." She said something along the lines of "yeah, a couple of times. He was fun." I got so pissed. The next day, I basically told her how speaking that way was unacceptable, and is grounds for a break-up. I don't want to hear that manipulative **** again. She apologized profusely. All this is to say a couple of things. It's disrespectful for a guy to hit on her WHILE you're there. HOWEVER, she's a big girl. Let her handle it. If she laughs about it and seems to enjoy it, you have EVERY right to be upset at her (my girlfriend was laughing, but clearly uncomfortably). Have a backbone. Say that it upsets you, and then move on to a lighter topic. If she doesn't like the fact that you have a backbone, then you're not right for her, and you should be happy you found that out sooner than later.
schlumpy Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 (edited) Schlumpy thank you for your response and something for myself to consider when it comes to that subj. It is an emotion that both my wife and I in our previous marriages endured years of mental beatings by extremely jealous ex's. In my wife's case it included physical beatings. It's something we are both admittedly sensitive about and find it rather repugnant. I was not advocating jealousy that results in "Play Misty For Me." Any emotion can cause harm and damage when taken to the extreme. My approach is to use the emotion and not allow the emotion to use me. Edited November 11, 2019 by schlumpy
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