ExpatInItaly Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 This is what has made me wonder whats really happening. He only really brought her up during drunken conversations (often having heart to hearts about the past, both of us were probably guilty of talking too much about exes on more than one occasion!) So how did you ascertain that he wouldn't even say her name? What was the conversation leading up to that? 1
kendahke Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 He has said today that he would like me to go along if he does arrange to meet her, which I guess is a positive sign? I don't have a good feeling about this. As our relationship has grown and become more solid, he has been talking about wanting to reconcile with this ex. But... I feel uneasy. If he is as happy with me as he says he is, then why does he want to go and try to claw back the remnants of a friendship with someone he claims hurt him so much? I'd have a different reaction if more than 12 months had passed and he was well into indifference, but for someone who 6 weeks ago was so triggered that he couldn't say her name and now, he's acting like he walked it off because she started talking to him again? Nah, girl... Who called who first here? Did she dump him?
Author BWFMT Posted November 8, 2019 Author Posted November 8, 2019 So how did you ascertain that he wouldn't even say her name? What was the conversation leading up to that? It was often with mutual friends, where someone would bring her up (mutual friends) and more recently (in September) at a meal with his best friend who referred to the ex as 'she who shall not be named'.
Author BWFMT Posted November 8, 2019 Author Posted November 8, 2019 I don't have a good feeling about this. I'd have a different reaction if more than 12 months had passed and he was well into indifference, but for someone who 6 weeks ago was so triggered that he couldn't say her name and now, he's acting like he walked it off because she started talking to him again? Nah, girl... Who called who first here? Did she dump him? It's really hard to understand and he has tried to tell me the story, but they started as colleagues and then friends for a few years. They both happened to be single and stuff happened but apparently it just turned into a toxic situation over 2 years and my partner called it off (is the gist I got). I feel you on the time there... I am really good friends with my ex, we were together for 4 years. That ended in 2014. We reconnected in 2017 at a mutual friends gathering, and have retained a friendship since. But we had both had other relationships, other life drama and our relationship was just past. But it took a lot of time and a chance encounter for that to happen!
TheFinalWord Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 The fact he could barely say her name? Yeah, that's a sign there are feelings there. Maybe he genuinely misses their friendship. But we're all adults here. They had sex, and they had sex after being friends for a long time first. That means the sex was emotional and deep. It formed a bond that won't break easy. He may not be in love with her anymore, or maybe he never did at all. But there's going to be messy, confusing emotions there for a long time. Like you said, he's not going to be able to "reset" their friendship and act like nothing happened. I'm not sure if he's trying to rub you in the exes face. I think it's more a matter of mixing in feelings with his ex, in with you. And your relationship is still brand new. It's not like you guys have been together for years. 6 months is still the honeymoon. I would ask if he could wait a year. That right now you think mixing in that situation with your new relationship is going to complicate things and you would rather wait until the two of you have a strong relationship and something real built, before he considers re-connecting with his ex. 1
Legatus Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 I think the key here is to get mor Ele information about her so she's not just a concept in your head. Every now and then ask your boyfriend about her, really listen to what he says and how he says it. The double date somebody suggested is one if the best ways. You can see them with different people bug also together. That's when it would show the most - her possible agenda. If there is one
elaine567 Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 Double dating will not work here She is no longer a friend, she is an ex. Their relationship and split was messy, they need to reconcile one on one before they could call themselves friends again. They can't do that on a double date. Does she even have a bf to go on a double date with? I am really good friends with my ex, we were together for 4 years. That ended in 2014. We reconnected in 2017 at a mutual friends gathering, and have retained a friendship since ^^^This may be part of why he feels the need to reconnect with his ex...
schlumpy Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 If you go on a double date it will allow him to rationalize that it's OK if he sees her on his own. After all, you know all about it. 1
girlinNYC Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 This is only a theory so don't take it and run, but speaking from experience, sometimes some people have a profound impact on you and despite the hurt, you can't seem to break away from them. Maybe he has the mindset with her where he'd rather her in his life as a friend as opposed to nothing. Psychologically its a way our brains shelter itself from feeling the depth and pain of loss. So keeping that person in your life, even 'platonically' is what is protecting him from feeling that complete loss. In any case, he isn't over her. It's time you give him an ultimatum.
Legatus Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 I can speak about that profound impact @girlinNYC is talking about, all day. Even though my ex didn't speak to me for years after I had to break up with her, we found each other again. We will never be in relationship again, nor will we be great friends, but just being able to have her in my life, ask her things, help her with her new company, knowing about the amazing things she does, it's enough... 1
Malin889 Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 If you are not ok with this, then you should say something. You should always be honest about your feelings, even if you just started dating. He will respect you for saying something. If you don’t say something, then it will fester, and you’ll start getting mad about the littlest things with him. Tell him you think it’s odd that he couldn’t say her name a month ago, and now he wants to be friends with her. That in itself is weird behavior if he is going back and forth on his feelings for her. Does he do that with everyone, or does she just have a particular affect on him? Either way, you should not have to be a part of this. I also don’t like how he said, “now is the best time to reach out to her because I’m with you.” Why is he even thinking of someone else if he’s so happy with you? Tell him how you feel and see what happens after that.
Malin889 Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 I'm encourage by your posts. You appear to be level headed and are approaching this problem in a rational manner. I think things will be OK. Agree— you seem like a very smart and strong woman and I think you’ll do the right thing, no matter what happens.
Calmandfocused Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 I echo what the other posters have said about him still having feelings for her. Negative feelings are still feelings and are indicative of remaining attachment. Therefore wanting to be friends with her is disrespectful to the relationship he is in with you. It will cause a huge strain on your relationship, that much is guaranteed. Op one thing I’ve learnt from having a history of dysfunctional relationships: if a man really and truly loves you, he will go out of his way to avoid harming you. He will put your feelings first and act in your best interests- always!. He will never intentionally harm you. Resuming a friendship with his ex is intentionally harming you. Do not agree to this. Your feelings shouldn’t be disregarded simply because he still has an attachment to his ex. Your needs are just as important as his. 1
preraph Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 He'd get back with her if she would. He may want to "be friends" with her now to try to make her jealous with you. I would tell him you're out if he keeps pursuing his ex, and that's just the words I'd use.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 OP, a part of me wonders if they're actually already back in contact and he has to find a way to make it okay with you before you inadvertently discover it on your own. In other words, perhaps he's feeling out your reaction because they've already communicated and he is deciding whether or not to be honest with you about it. I could be wrong of course, but just a thought. 1
Author BWFMT Posted November 10, 2019 Author Posted November 10, 2019 So, interesting developments this weekend... I got down to his town on Friday night and we went for dinner where he was the one to bring this situation up. He told me he has decided he does not want to make contact. He went into a lot more detail; that he misses the friendship, that it is awkward with mutual friends now, but that she has also moved away so it would not even work as friends anyhow. Then he told me that he loves me, that he is sorry for ever making me feel awkward about this and the last thing he wants to do is jeopardize what we have as he is the happiest he feels he has ever been. Now I am in a complete and utter spin. I believe him to be genuine, he is a very caring person overall . . . perhaps he really was just sad to have lost a friendship. After all, I have often been more sad at the loss of the friendship than the relationship after a breakup. I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt here I think...
ExpatInItaly Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 but that she has also moved away so it would not even work as friends anyhow. Did he just learn this or something?
Author BWFMT Posted November 10, 2019 Author Posted November 10, 2019 Did he just learn this or something? No, she moved away before they 'split'. I truly think that he actually does just miss the friendship and is more sad about that than anything else. When I asked him what exactly it is that he hopes to gain from being friends he said that he misses gaming with her online... but not much else. I gently nudged the conversation towards 'well, why bother making this effort then?'. Overall, he does not have terribly nice things to say about her; I outright told him that the things that he had said didn't even make her sound like a friend!
ExpatInItaly Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 When I asked him what exactly it is that he hopes to gain from being friends he said that he misses gaming with her online... but not much else. I gently nudged the conversation towards 'well, why bother making this effort then?'. And how did he answer that question? Seems like much ado about what he claims to be almost nothing. It doesn't quite add up to me.
Calmandfocused Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 That’s good developments op, It’s good you could address this together amicably. However, there’s something obvious here that you’re not seeing clearly: whether he misses her in a friendship capacity or otherwise, he misses HER- as an individual. Which goes back to my earlier point about still being attached to her. It’s good that he’s changed his mind as he recognises the impact this would have on you. He clearly has strong feelings for you. But the fact remains that he still has a pocket of love for her. Only you can decide if you can accept that or not.
elaine567 Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 ....the last thing he wants to do is jeopardise what we have as he is the happiest he feels he has ever been.. He did jeopardise things though, he thought she was important enough to rock the boat. His "change of heart" has apparently come not from his own volition, but because you were hurt and upset by it. He is trying to minimise now and calm the waters... ("His change of heart may even have come from her... Her: "Friends? You must be joking, F off") IF he is truly "the happiest he has ever been", why does he want to go seek out his ex for a "friendship"? What is the real game here?
ExpatInItaly Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 ("His change of heart may even have come from her... Her: "Friends? You must be joking, F off") I suspect this could be the case, too.
schlumpy Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 With the amount of "people shopping" that goes on now-a-days I suspect we all have to live with spouses or SO's that have more then "one pocket of love" floating around their minds. Think about that the next time you see them day dreaming or watching a romantic movie with a faint wistful half-smile on their lips.
Malin889 Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 He did jeopardise things though, he thought she was important enough to rock the boat. His "change of heart" has apparently come not from his own volition, but because you were hurt and upset by it. He is trying to minimise now and calm the waters... ("His change of heart may even have come from her... Her: "Friends? You must be joking, F off") IF he is truly "the happiest he has ever been", why does he want to go seek out his ex for a "friendship"? What is the real game here? I was thinking this too— that he approached/reached out to her, she said F off, so now he’s saying he doesn’t want to see her. I’m not saying he does not care for you, he does, but I do think he may have reached out to her and Is now maybe trying to cover himself. But I hope I’m wrong and things work out with this guy, and he doesn’t try to rock the boat again.
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