BWFMT Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 Hi All! So I started dating an amazing new guy this year; we met in July, dated a few months and things have been wonderful. We decided to put the 'relationship' tag on it early October after dating for 3 months. I really like him, he is massively on my wavelength, and honestly I am so head over heels in love. He says and does all the right things and I cannot recall a time I have felt like this in a loooooong time! Overall the relationship is great, but he has mentioned his ex on a fair few occasions (I have as well, I think it is important in any new relationship to know what went wrong before) However, as our relationship has grown and become more solid, he has been talking about wanting to reconcile with this ex as they were great friends before the 'relationship'; I insert quotation marks around relationship here because he says it was a messy situation in which they were both single and they never officially tagged anything, and that it just got very messy over a course of two years. The adult in me says great, if you are mature enough to be friends go for it! however he has mentioned a few times how this 'relationship' really messed him up. Just 6 weeks ago he would not even say the exes name... I don't think he can be friends with this person as long as he is harbouring those feelings. I'm friends with a few exes but it took a LONG time before we became platonic friends, and the relationship is entirely different to what we had previous to or during our relationships. But... I feel uneasy. If he is as happy with me as he says he is, then why does he want to go and try to claw back the remnants of a friendship with someone he claims hurt him so much? I have stressed that the friendship will never be the same, and that he should be aware that things will absolutely not go back to how they were. And I will certainly not tolerate them staying over at each others house (my boyf says he misses the gaming nights and the platonic aspects of their relationship - not happening, and I will walk immediately if it comes to that!) Am I overreacting and over analysing this? I have had situations in the past (repeatedly) where I have been told that 'no we are just friends!' only to find that this was certainly not the case. I don't get that vibe from the boyf, and have been told by a lot of his friends that he is absolutely infatuated with me, but right now that is not calming my anxiety!
ExpatInItaly Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 I would be very uneasy about this too, if I were you. He misses her and wants her attention. As you pointed out, there are situations in which exes can be platonic friends. This does not have the aura about it; it was messy, she hurt him, he wouldn't even say her name just a few weeks ago. Being friends in this scenario is not healthy. I'm sorry OP, but I don't think he's over her.
Author BWFMT Posted November 7, 2019 Author Posted November 7, 2019 Yeah this is kinda the vibe I am getting... He says he just misses the friendship as they were good friends before. I don't really know what to do with this information, is it worth maybe just laying my cards on the table and telling him that I am feeling this way? I have tried to be mature about it... but I just don't feel right about it.
Legatus Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 I am friends with my ex but only because logistically we couldn't be together and I didn't see past it. I can't imagine somebody telling me I should stop talking to her, she has been a great influence on who I am today and we keep in touch occasionally. If you feel confident about your current relationship it shouldn't bother you. If you think something like that will jeopardise it then perhaps it was too quick for you to jump into it. I think you're right that you have to lay all your cards. If he just misses the friendship he should be able to prioritise and not lose boundaries. Also should have no problem showing who is the girlfriend and who is the friend.. If those things start blurring then you need to act 1
schlumpy Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 He has unfinished business with her OP. Stay if he's worth it but keep the radar up and running. 1
hippychick3 Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 I would not be okay with this at all. This has nothing to do with you being mature or being the “cool girl.” This is about appropriate boundaries in a relationship. Seeking out exes for friendship while in a relationship with someone else is not acceptable. I’d tell him that it sounds like there are some residual feelings left for the ex, and you’re not comfortable with this situation so may need to re-evaluate whether or not this relationship is right for you.
fromheart Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 If you trust him, no problem. But if you don't trust him there's a problem. Ex or not if he's going to cheat he's going to cheat. He's an adult, you can't change him. You have to accept who he chooses to be friends with.
d0nnivain Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 This screams that you are the rebound & he's not over her. Unfortunately he's gonna do whatever he's gonna do & you can't stop him. All you can do is react to what he does & that will probably put you in a position where you need to break things off with him as he reconnects with her. 1
Author BWFMT Posted November 7, 2019 Author Posted November 7, 2019 Usually I would say absolutely no way would I be even remotely happy with this, but the pre existing friendship is what makes me think that perhaps there is some truth in what he is saying. They were friends and colleagues long before anything happened, but it does seem odd that he would want to reconnect when he keeps telling me how happy he is with me, how lucky he is to have me and how glad he is that he met me. The other evening he did say 'now feels like the best time to reach out, because I am with you', which also seemed like he wants to maybe make the ex jealous? I don't know... I trust him. He knows my past, he knows I have a history of people ghosting, or messing me around and has promised he will never do that. I would ordinarily take words with a pinch of salt, but his friends have also said that he is absolutely not that kind of person. I remember having a heart to heart with a close friend of his a couple of weeks back and expressing my fears; she laughed and said 'absolutely no way will he do that to you.' I don't know. I'm gonna ride the wave, see what happens, maybe nothing will become of it. But I am gonna lay all my cards on the table and let him know it is making me feel uncomfortable. He can take whatever he likes from that. 1
Author BWFMT Posted November 7, 2019 Author Posted November 7, 2019 I am friends with my ex but only because logistically we couldn't be together and I didn't see past it. I can't imagine somebody telling me I should stop talking to her, she has been a great influence on who I am today and we keep in touch occasionally. If you feel confident about your current relationship it shouldn't bother you. If you think something like that will jeopardise it then perhaps it was too quick for you to jump into it. I think you're right that you have to lay all your cards. If he just misses the friendship he should be able to prioritise and not lose boundaries. Also should have no problem showing who is the girlfriend and who is the friend.. If those things start blurring then you need to act I do feel confident about the relationship, and absolutely would never tell him not to speak to his ex. But it just seems odd to want to rekindle the friendship now. There are a few red flags (he mentioned they had gaming nights... not on my watch. Friends is one thing, sleepovers is not) I guess also not knowing the other party... I don't know her motives. Will she suddenly want him now knowing she cant have him? Will she use their past to override what we have? This is sheer speculation, as apart from this niggle I have not yet met such a kind hearted, decent man...!
Legatus Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 Exactly.. you can't blame him for her actions. What if he just wants friendship but she will want something more? If he follows her than he is to blame but right now, if you know him well enough, you could give him benefit of the doubt. You will have no idea what she wants, will do, what she will use, what her goals are. I think there's nothing wrong with saying once or twice that you're perfectly fine with his friendship as long as he doesn't cease to see the line. You are confident but by no means he should walk all over you. If you notice some changes in him that could be triggered by a romantic relations with his ex - call him out - regardless of how kind his heart is.
Author BWFMT Posted November 7, 2019 Author Posted November 7, 2019 Exactly.. you can't blame him for her actions. What if he just wants friendship but she will want something more? If he follows her than he is to blame but right now, if you know him well enough, you could give him benefit of the doubt. You will have no idea what she wants, will do, what she will use, what her goals are. I think there's nothing wrong with saying once or twice that you're perfectly fine with his friendship as long as he doesn't cease to see the line. You are confident but by no means he should walk all over you. If you notice some changes in him that could be triggered by a romantic relations with his ex - call him out - regardless of how kind his heart is. This has really helped me today, thank you. I don't want to be the suspicious partner that questions everything. I have salvaged friendships from relationships previously, so I can understand where he is coming from with regards to wanting to continue the friendship. I have voiced my concerns, and he has said that he would be keeping her at arms length but that does not mean I have to trust her. I think my intuition is pretty strong on these things. I do feel uneasy, but I do not think that I am wrong about him... He seems to have a good heart! And that may be the problem, that he feels the loss of the friend more than the relationship. At the moment he gets the benefit of the doubt, but yep... if he crosses the line he better hope she is taking him back!
smackie9 Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 You ask him this: "If he is as happy with me as he says he is, then why does he want to go and try to claw back the remnants of a friendship with someone he claims hurt him so much?" I agree he needs to put this on hold for another year when feelings have had more distance. I got a bad feeling you could find yourself in a rebound situation.
d0nnivain Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 If you are trying to be OK with this & you want to trust him, suggest to him that he set up a double date for you & him plus her & her SO. If they are "just friends" this should be a welcome suggestion & then you can eyeball her yourself to assess their interactions. It will give you a chance to mark your territory. As they recommend: keep your friends close but your enemies closer. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 This screams that you are the rebound & he's not over her. Unfortunately he's gonna do whatever he's gonna do & you can't stop him. All you can do is react to what he does & that will probably put you in a position where you need to break things off with him as he reconnects with her. I agree completely. If he were all in with you, he wouldn't need to "reconnect" with the ex. The problem is, the fact that he's even suggested this lets you know he's not all in, so I think however you slice it, you have a problem.
schlumpy Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 I think my intuition is pretty strong on these things. I do feel uneasy, but I do not think that I am wrong about him... He seems to have a good heart! I'm encourage by your posts. You appear to be level headed and are approaching this problem in a rational manner. I think things will be OK.
elaine567 Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 He is playing you for a fool. Men rarely have purely platonic friendships. Sex with the ex is a real thing I predict they "reconcile" and he leaves you... or he and she have great fun "playing games" behind your back. You may be in love, I doubt he is. Something is missing for him, and he thinks she is going to provide it... 1
vla1120 Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 My husband (of 32 years) and I had also planned on remaining friends. We were friends before we were married. Although there was a lot of hurt in the relationship, we both thought we could be friends since we share three daughters and his family was my family for 32 years. But....no. His new girlfriend would not have it. In fact, she made him block me on all social media. She would not meet his family until I was completely out of the picture (and I did eventually step away to make room for her because who needs the drama?) If they share children, a friendship is ideal. If not, maybe he just needs to get over her and move on. I don't see any reason to remain friends if there are no children involved and it makes your new partner feel insecure/uncomfortable.
kendahke Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 I wouldn't like it. I'd wonder why now is her friendship so important? I'd also wonder if just because he's with me, is he using our relationship as a "ha ha, I'm not home waiting on you to open a can of 'act right'--come chase me"... also, would he have any problems with you doing the exact same with an ex? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 The significant problem here is that he appears to still have enough feelings to be hurt by the break-up with her, to the extent that he wouldn't even utter her name 6 weeks ago. What was that all about, anyway? How often does he bring her up for you to even notice that he refuses to say her name? I would feel differently about this if their relationship were further in the past and the emotional dust had settled, or if they'd been friends a long time and briefly dated only to discover they were better as friends and had remained on good terms. I don't think that's what you're dealing with at all here, though.
Author BWFMT Posted November 7, 2019 Author Posted November 7, 2019 If you are trying to be OK with this & you want to trust him, suggest to him that he set up a double date for you & him plus her & her SO. If they are "just friends" this should be a welcome suggestion & then you can eyeball her yourself to assess their interactions. It will give you a chance to mark your territory. As they recommend: keep your friends close but your enemies closer. I do trust him, I should make that clear. I guess it is still early days and he has given me no reason not to as of yet! I have thought that this is probably the best way to approach this; request to meet the ex as once she knows who I am it will be far easier for me to assert myself. To show her that I am in his life now... and hopefully she will back off! He has said he will keep her at arms length... but why bother if that is the case!
DKT3 Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 First I want to say, I'm amazed at how differently the responses are based on OP being a female. We have seen countless threads started like this by men here who are basically called controlling by the very posters posting here....not all but some for sure. My answer remains constant, he is telling you what he values more, if he knows you're uncomfortable with the situation and he continues then you have to assume she is more important to him than you are...I dont think you have much of a choice at that point.
elaine567 Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 I do trust him, I should make that clear. I guess it is still early days and he has given me no reason not to as of yet! Not until he brought up the subject of wanting to be "best buddies" with his most recent ex... He has said he will keep her at arms length... but why bother if that is the case! Exactly, it makes no sense. It makes no sense as it is b"llsh^t. He is playing you.
Author BWFMT Posted November 7, 2019 Author Posted November 7, 2019 The significant problem here is that he appears to still have enough feelings to be hurt by the break-up with her, to the extent that he wouldn't even utter her name 6 weeks ago. What was that all about, anyway? How often does he bring her up for you to even notice that he refuses to say her name? I would feel differently about this if their relationship were further in the past and the emotional dust had settled, or if they'd been friends a long time and briefly dated only to discover they were better as friends and had remained on good terms. I don't think that's what you're dealing with at all here, though. This is what has made me wonder whats really happening. He only really brought her up during drunken conversations (often having heart to hearts about the past, both of us were probably guilty of talking too much about exes on more than one occasion!) They were friends for a very long time from what I can tell, but the 'relationship' seemed to drag on. Or not. I don't know what to make of it, as according to him they never really officiated anything or got together. He has said today that he would like me to go along if he does arrange to meet her, which I guess is a positive sign?
Lorenza Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 (edited) He's sooo not over her. This is so messy and drama is waiting around the corner, so be ready for it. Personally, I wouldn't proceed with a guy who can't can't even utter the name of his ex. A solid relationship can only be built with someone who has completely moved on from their past hurts. Someone who can talk about his previous relationships as a matter of fact, with no bleeding wounds. Dating a wounded bird is exhausting, it doesn't work and most likely he will eventually wound you in return. To those who say "you either trust him or not" - trust is earned. A new relationship doesn't start with trust (and how could it, you don't know the person, you don't know what he/she is capable of!), it's a process towards earning it. This guy is taking a major risk to damage and set back that process by making such a questionable move, which speaks so much about what is important to him. If I'd really want someone, I would avoid taking such risks - suddenly becoming buddies with an ex I had a messy history with, going on a trip with an ex or some guy friend, acting shady etc. I'd respect my chance with that person too much to make them start questioning me. This guy is acting in a way that tells me - he doesn't have that respect. Doesn't mean it's intentional or that he's a bad person, but he's willing to risk losing his chance and you should take notes on that, OP. Edited November 7, 2019 by Lorenza 2
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