having sex with a lot of people in a short time

[BadBadGirl]

thank you in advance for your help. not sure if this is a "dating" issue per se, but nothing else seemed to fit.

 

i don't know what my problem is lately. i recently moved to a new town to live near a friend and go back to school there. i know a few friends through her, and i keep close contact with my family. i am not alone, or lonely, or feel i am missing out on anything.

 

but for some reason my behavior is completely different than ever. i drink more, i flirt more. but the worst part is, i have been having one night stands and i never used to.

 

i will go to bars (by myself sometimes) and get drunk and meet men who take me home (usually to their place.) then we have sex (sometimes protected, though usually not) and i leave. sometimes i don't even remember his name, or if i ever even knew his last name.

 

i know how dangerous and stupid this is.

 

what i don't know is WHY i am doing it.

 

i am no prude (i am 25 and have been in several relationships) but one nighters were always a no-no for me. all of a sudden, it's like this crazy sex-girl got loose and i can't stop her. i don't get so drunk that i black out or anything, but it's like i'm on this super-alcohol high and i love the world and everyone in it and i just want everyone to be my friend. then i start talking to strangers. then one of those strangers shows interest in me and the next thing i know, i am leaving his house or he is leaving mine and there's a wet spot on the sheets. hlaf the time, i realize afterward that these aren't men i would ever even be remotely attracted to under normal circumstances.

 

i always wake up the next morning with the heaviest, sickest feeling in my stomach of dread, guilt, you name it. definitely shame.

 

has this ever happened to anyone else? i know it's wrong, and i don't want to do this. i keep telling myself "not tonight. i am not drinking, i am staying home, i am not talking to anyone." then it happens anyway, it's like i can't stop. i don't even consider doing this if i don't drink---why does alcohol automatically make me f--k? i don't vandalize anything, i don't make drunk phone calls. i know alcohol influences behavior and actions, but why are mine so sexual? i am not an alcolic, i don't drink at home unless with friends and i don't try to sleep with them. i don't feel the need to drink alcohol when i can't have it. i can function without it just fine. but sometimes i want to drink, and it's like drinking and one night stands go hand in hand with me unless i'm with people i know.

 

i have had 8 one night stands within the past 2 weeks. it's been 11 in 3 weeks. i am disgusted by this myself, but if i went out tonight instead of staying in, it would be an even 12, i can almost guarantee it.

 

i don't know what to do. i know i should not drink, but the drinking is not the problem, it's my actions afterward. i would like to be able to drink like a normal person and hang out with my friends and not have to stop being "social" altogether.

 

i think people are starting to sort of figure out what i am doing, and while i don't want to lie, i am too ashamed to tell them. once or twice is one thing but i am out of control and i know it. plus, a lot of these people i don't know well (my friend's friends) and i don't want them to know my business.

 

so go ahead, tear me apart for being a stupid slut. but while you're at it, please give me some advice, because i can't go on like this anymore.

[westernxer]

Nothing wrong with what you're doing, as long as you give me your number or tell me which bar you'll be at.

 

Just make sure you're safe from all those diseases... last thing you want is to infect some guy you really like, or vice-versa.

[JS17]

this site isn't for us to tear each other apart, it's for support and advice. I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time. It would be easy to say just don't do it if it makes you unhappy, resist the temptation and learn to say no. I think you'd do better if you examined why you're acting in a way that makes you unhappy.

[BadBadGirl]

that's the thing, js17, i want to know why.

 

 

 

i do tell myself no, and i wholeheartedly believe at the time that i am going to be good. then i'm bad.

 

thank you, guys. and thank you for not being mean, i expected an out-pouring of insults--which i was prepared for.

 

 

i am hoping someone else knows what i am talking about and has had the same compulsion i have been having. is it a compulsion? that word just came to mind....interesting.

 

i mean, is this something i would have to get counseling for? do they even have counseling for this?

 

and western, i do have HPV, but other than that, i have nothing as of now. this is why i can't believe i am acting this way, i have always been so careful and i was devastated to find i had HPV. (actually, it was never proven i have HPV, but i had precancerous cells that probably came from that. if i did have HPV, it's not present now, but i guess could come back whenever.)

 

uck. i feel so disgusting.

[westernxer]

Counseling? For sex?

 

You gotta be kidding me.

 

Were you sheltered growing up? (I bet your family is religious.)

[BadBadGirl]

maybe a little sheltered. but i'm not stupid, if that's what you mean. and no my family is not religious, nor am i.

 

i know you don't need counseling for normal sex, but for sexual problems, i know it can be beneficial too, for some people.

 

my problem does not seem normal, at least, not normal for me, anyway.

 

that's why i asked if there was counseling for something like this, because i don't know.

[JS17]

Well I don't know too much about the topic but I'm sure there are some people on the site that do. IMO, any time that you're doing something harmful to yourself, either physically and emotionally, and you can't stop it's compulsive and some kind of help is necessary.

[westernxer]

Maybe you should stay away from bars in general, or channel your newfound independence into something that doesn't lower your inhibitions so much. The guys won't like it, but at least you'll be in control of your evening.

[BadBadGirl]

thank you for taking the time to read and respond even though you haven't experienced this same problem.

 

maybe i need counseling. maybe i need to channel my energy somewhere else. but in any case, i know i need to do something.

 

i just wanted to vent here and see if i could talk about it to strangers first.

 

so thanks for helping with the first step.

[westernxer]

I wouldn't call it a problem, but I'm a guy, so what do I know.

[BadBadGirl]

hey, don't discount yourself because you're a guy. i value your words.

 

advice should be gender-non-specific.

[heartnsoul]

Low self esteem maybe? These guys/sexual acts are filling some kind of void ??

 

I went thru a serious 'party' phase 13 years ago after my mom passed and I know my behavior was related to that traumatic time in my life.

 

If you're miles away from family and have never been before ... maybe this is your way of finding comfort?? Sex sometimes can give a false sense of 'validation' or sense of security.

 

I could be wayyy off but it might be something to consider.

 

If you're ashamed of your behavior and feel that it's beyond your control...It's definitely in your best interest to seek professional help. You're putting yourself at serious risk not only for STD's but physical harm from a possible psycho.

[JS17]

haha, I was going to write something but I forgot. Here's a tip. Don't drink wine while you have a fever.

 

Anyway, I think that most girls have gone through a phase like this. With the people I know they usually do this when they're in their early 20's. They're exploring their sexuality at an appropriate time in their lives. Please, just use condoms, you know you have an STD and it's not fair to the men that you're with, the women that they will be with in the future or yourself to have unprotected sex.

[BadBadGirl]

thanks heart and soul.

 

i don't think i have low self-esteem. can you have it and not know it?

 

i still talk to/see my family. everything is the same except for my location, which is new, but not that far from what i am used to (about an hour, maye a little more). i have lived away from my family for several years, but we're all close and i have a ton of contact with them, probably more than most people.

 

i've been living on my own for several years now, so i don't know why this transition is any different.

 

could it just be a phase? i haven't had anything traumatic happen recently, or ever really, i guess. i mean, bad things happen, but never anything i can't handle for the most part.

 

this is so ridiculous, i don't know why i don't just not do it.

[BadBadGirl]

haha, I was going to write something but I forgot. Here's a tip. Don't drink wine while you have a fever.

 

Anyway, I think that most girls have gone through a phase like this. With the people I know they usually do this when they're in their early 20's. They're exploring their sexuality at an appropriate time in their lives. Please, just use condoms, you know you have an STD and it's not fair to the men that you're with, the women that they will be with in the future or yourself to have unprotected sex.

 

hooray, i learned to quote.

 

okay, yes i know i should be careful. i usually don't think about it after drinking (which is stupid) and i don't know that i have HPV, just that i might have.

 

it's still stupid though, i know. it's just when i'm drinking i guess it slips my mind. like my normalcy and intelligence slip my mind. it's like "get drunk, get laid." one-track mind.

 

why do those two things go together? why can't i get drunk and want to compulsively do nice things for people instead?

[heartnsoul]

It's more than likely a 'phase' but it also sounds like some kind of an addiction and that's where your problem is. Can you go out w/out drinking alcohol? I can tell you when I went through it, it was more like a fook everyone, I just wanna party thing. The only emotional attachment you have to what you're doing is the intimacy....I think anyways.

 

What do you think would happen if you went out w/out having the booze involved?

[JS17]

Do you have this problem when you go out with friends or just when you go out drinking by yourself? Why do you go out drinking by yourself?

 

There is a responsibility that goes along with alcohol and sex. Nobody wants to see you or anyone else suffer from the consequences. If you can't handle drinking then stop. If you really can't not drink then you may really have a problem.

[RecordProducer]

i don't know what to do. i know i should not drink, but the drinking is not the problem, it's my actions afterward. i would like to be able to drink like a normal person and hang out with my friends and not have to stop being "social" altogether.

 

You are very wrong that drinking is not the problem. Just because you're not an alcoholic doesn't mean drinking is not the problem. Why you're doing it - can be for many reasons. If you've been abused (sexually, emotionally or physically) as a child, it could be the reason. You might be anywhere from seeking attention to depressed. You're running away from reality and need to feel high.

 

In any case, you need to stop drinking. That's all. You might want to visit a therapist and purchase some self-help books that could help you explore your psyche.

 

Please open my profile and web site and send me an email there, if you want. I would like to share some private information regarding this problem.

[BadBadGirl]

i've gone by myself when i was bored (though not often.) usually, i am there with someone i know and i'll ended up staying when they leave. but i used to do it before with no problem; it's only been the past month that all this has been happening.

 

 

if i don't drink, nothing happens.

 

 

and thanks, RecordProducer. I may just do that. (and i was never abused. no trauma.)

 

writing on this thing is kinda what made me stay in tonight.

[Outcast]

You absolutely should see a psychologist. There's a small possibility you may be bipolar or have some other disorder.

 

Sorry everyone else has been so unhelpful. This is dangerous behaviour and grave harm could come to you - you could get AIDS from unprotected sex; you could end up taking home some wierdo who robs you or does you violence. It's inane that people are telling you it's fine, go ahead, and have fun when you are clearly worried about this self-destructive behaviour.

 

Really, go speak to a psychologist. If you do have a disorder, the sooner it's diagnosed and treated, the easier it is to treat.

[BadBadGirl]

 

Really, go speak to a psychologist. If you do have a disorder, the sooner it's diagnosed and treated, the easier it is to treat.

 

 

you really think it could be something like that? i wondered. it just seems like i do it unconsciously, almost like i'm watching this other person who looks like me do these things that i wouldn't do. i know it's really me, i'm not that crazy, but i seem to have no control over it. at time i'd be almost in the middle of something with these men, and i'd think "this isn't right" but i was too afraid to not go through with it after it had already seemed like it's what i wanted.

 

i do know people who think it's okay for them. it's just for me, well, i know it's not okay for me. if it was okay i wouldn't feel this ashamed of myself for it.

 

and thank you--yes i am worried...

[Jayhawks]

I think Outcast has it nailed down. You need to find out why you crave sexual attention and love from these men. Do you really enjoy the sex?

 

There is something driving you to these actions. You need to find out why you are on this self destructive behavior. Seek help.

[d'Arthez]

The discrepancy between past behavior and current behavior is enormous. As there does not seem to be any event that can be considered traumatic (loss of a parent, a loved one), I would not rule out a personality disorder, or a sexual disorder by any means. Outcast mentioned bi-polar disorder, and people who suffer from that can indeed experience highly promiscuous behavior, and may experience issues with alcohol.

Seek out a psychologist, to find out what is ailing you.

[JS17]

Don't freak out BBG. Not every piece of advice that you're going to get will be supportive. Try just not drinking until you speak with a therapist or social worker. If you were completely irresponsible or totally messed up you would just continue with this behavior without a care. Clearly you are concerned which is a good thing, you're conscious that your behaviour isn't safe and is making you unhappy.

[BadBadGirl]

I think Outcast has it nailed down. You need to find out why you crave sexual attention and love from these men. Do you really enjoy the sex?

 

There is something driving you to these actions. You need to find out why you are on this self destructive behavior. Seek help.

 

i never said i craved love. i hardly even think about them afterward. i think i enjoy the chase and knowing that i can get it...but then the thrill is kind of over and i don't care if we have sex or not. i just want to do it and get it over with. for this reason, i am a fabulous actress, because i don't know what else to do by then. it seems too late to change my mind.