I tried to do the right thing...

[movingonnow1]

I was seeing this girl for about 2 months. Everything was going really well. We recently stopped talking and it's driving me crazy.

 

About 4 weeks ago, I got a call from an STD clinic about some girl I slept a while ago. They told me she had something and that they suggested I get checked out. I immediately got tested and was told I would be called once everything was ready for me to come in for an appointment to get my results.

 

Unfortunately, the girl I was seeing wanted to sleep with me and I didn't know what to do. So I told her I wasn't ready and she got really upset...I wanted to wait until I got my results. It was so early in the relationship...I just didn't know how to handle it.

 

I was frustrated because I wanted to tell her the truth but what could I say? I got tested for an STD but I don’t know my results?! It was tough. I was paranoid about putting her in harms way. Had I given given anything, I would have never forgiven myself. So I stopped myself everytime.

 

So things got worse, she pulled away and eventually told me she felt rejected and hurt. I told her I want her and really like her, I just wasn't ready. She said she doesn't know what to say or make of it. I told her lets meet up and talk, and she refused telling me l won't be able to change how she feels. She essentially lost interest. I started to beg and plead to give me time but she said there's nothing I could do. She said she felt like I was playing games and didn't really like her.

 

I haven't heard from her in 2 weeks and I decided to remove her from social media because her posts were bothering me and I felt so hurt.

 

She ended it right before I got my results... I'm fortunately clean but I don't know what to do now.

 

Do I try to revive it, contact her and explain this? Or do I accept that she clearly isn't understanding and not willing to try to make it work? Did I make a mistake removing her from Facebook and Instagram? I was considering the sending a voicenote explaining why I did what I did but I don't know if it's a good idea. Appreciate any feedback!

Edited November 7, 2019 by movingonnow1

[Commongoal123]

I think you dodged a bullet man. She sounds like a looooot of drama and loke she is "punishing" you for not giving her validation that she is incapable of giving to herself.

 

Part of me thinks that if you guys did have sex and ended up having a long term relationship, she would have eventually pulled the exact same **** with the whole "you can't make her change how she feels".

 

My advice is to move on. She sounds like way too much drama and really immature.

[Mr. Lucky]

Appreciate any feedback!

 

Sounds like the stars didn't align with this one, leaving +/- 3.5 billion other women to pick from. Agree that, based on her over dramatic reaction, things would have gotten interesting quick anyway.

 

Take your clean bill of health and get back out there. And, goes without saying, safe sex only...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Captivating]

I am proud of you, you were responsible not subjecting her to a possible STD... her reaction is way out of proportions.

The best way to get to know someone is being in stressful situations...she did not even give you a chance. Is it the over inflated ego/pride or the opposite self esteem issues ? Who knows? I think you were very mature, she is very immature. PLEASE DO NOT BEG her or go after her, her reaction was uncalled for... (never beg for women, never be a pushover, hold your grounds on important things) HUGS !

[lauri]

I think you did the right thing. You shouldn't feel guilty.

 

She clearly is immature and insecure. Instead of giving you a chance, she took off and ran for the hills. This is a red flag. Next!

Edited November 7, 2019 by lauri

[movingonnow1]

I guess I just started acting weak and different after this. It really turned her off and I know it clearly hurt her that I didn't sleep with her. I kept trying to reassure her and I was acting so out of character. I had so much on my mind.

 

After I removed her from social media she sent me an angry message saying how I'm immature and a game player. I didn't do it for a reaction, I did it because I thought it was done. I told her this and she hasn't responded to that.

 

Yes, I still like her (I don't know why) but I don't know if I would go back. Her reaction was over the top. But it's obvious I'm still into her. I forgot to mention that I've known her for about 2 years and we just started dating recently. I think it was the build up to our relationship.

 

I was honestly thinking, and I've been feeling, it's the right thing to do to tell her why I didn't sleep with her. I guess I'm worried about if I really messed her up emotionally over this. She really changed and seemed insecure after I turned her down.

 

Is it worth sending a voicenote on whatsapp explaining this and that I just want her to know the truth? Or is that a bad idea? I just have this huge weight in my chest over this. I feel so angry that this happened to me.

[Captivating]

Is it worth sending a voicenote on whatsapp explaining this and that I just want her to know the truth? Or is that a bad idea? I just have this huge weight in my chest over this. I feel so angry that this happened to me.

 

NO, please don't send anything, I would not even answer to any of her messages after this. You do not owe her any explanations.

She behaves like a tantrum throwing toddler.

Life and relationships are full of challenges.... this was not even a challenge, she made it out of one Just imagine walking on eggshells around her ..... You deserve a kind hearted, caring, mature lady !!! <3 Do not contact her, move on please !

[movingonnow1]

It's really a shame. I thought her and I were really good.

 

Maybe, in retrospect, I should have told her the truth at the time. But, who knows how she would have reacted? Maybe this was a sign about how she just isn't worth my time. I don't know if that was a mistake by me.

 

I really have this urge to tell her the truth but I think I missed my chance to do it. I'm feeling so guilty about this, even though she's in the wrong. I just hate not being fully honest... I just thought I'd have the chance to exain myself later.

 

I know myself though.. This is going to weigh on me for a while. I think maybe I don't like it that she thinks I'm a bad person.

[d0nnivain]

It's understandable that you did not want to discuss your personal medical info with a relative stranger. Think about that. It was very early on & she was pushing for sex before you were ready. Granted you weren't ready for legitimate health reasons that it was too early to share with her but you weren't ready.

 

If you were a woman who came on this board & complained that a guy was pushing her for sex most posters would jump all over that & call the guy a litany of nasty names. You'd read a lot of ranting about guys who just want one thing.

 

Well guess what, this woman is just like that. She wanted your body not a relationship. She was full speed ahead to bed. Nothing else mattered. She's not exactly a quality basis for a meaningful relationship.

 

You dodged a bullet. Let it go. You did the right thing, the responsible thing waiting until you knew you were clean. (N.B. you aren't quite out of the woods yet; you need to get retested in 6 months to be fully assured you did not contract anything).

[movingonnow1]

Hey all,

 

I've been thinking about my situation. I posted this initially in the breakup section but was hoping to ask the dating section if there was anything I could have done better.

 

Link to my original post is here

 

In short, I was seeing this girl for about two months. On paper, we were perfect for each other.

 

Unfortunately, I got a call from an STD clinic about a girl I slept with a while ago. I immediately got tested and was waiting for my results. In that time, the girl I was seeing wanted to sleep with me and I told her I wasn't ready to have sex yet. I was waiting for my results but she didn't know. She got really offended and hurt.

 

I just didn't know what to do at the time. I wasn't comfortable telling her my situation until I knew my results. She got cold towards me and started to change towards me after this, eventually leading to her telling me there is nothing I can do to fix things between us (read my other post if you want more information).

 

I was thinking about reaching out to her to explain the situation but I think I that's a bad idea based on other feedback I've received.

 

In your opinion, regardless of her reaction, should I have been honest and upfront about this at the time? I was trying to do the right thing and I want to see how I could have handled this better. If you were a woman and on the other side, would you have wanted me to tell you this?

 

Thanks!

[smackie9]

You should have told her, and tbh I wish more people would do it, say no sex before you two get tested. Then you say that you are in the process of waiting for results, and this is something you do when you meet a new partner. Gosh a little honesty with a twist would have you come out smelling like roses.

As for contacting her now....that ship has sailed dude, she's done. Anything you tell her she won't be believing you.

 

 

Tip: get tested anyways when you start with a new partner if ya don't be usin them condoms.

 

 

What I wouldn't want to hear is someone who has unprotected sex that would have had sex with me without testing.

Edited November 7, 2019 by smackie9

[Mrin]

Ok ya I was going to reply to your other thread. My thoughts:

 

1. You Did the Right Thing: Seriously dude. Give yourself some kudos. A lot of guys would have been like, "meh, let's scrog. There's probably nothing wrong and hey, what are the chances she'd catch it too."

 

2. You Went About it All Wrong: It is too late to put the genie back in the bottle on this one. But in the future, you should say/should have said, "hey, I'm honored that you feel so comfortable with me that you want to take the next step. I value your health and my health so I've gone ahead and had all the tests run because I want you to feel 100% safe with me. I'd like to just wait until the results come back. [And I'd like for you to get tested as well]". The bracketed text is up to you. When I was dating I always insisted on seeing a recent set of test results and I always went ahead and got tested myself between partners.

 

I think if you would have taken that approach things would have turned out differently.

[movingonnow1]

I feel like I didn't do the right thing for some reason.

 

Not that not sleeping with her, but more about how I didn't tell her the truth. I feel like things could have been saved otherwise. I don't think I'm thinking straight right now and that's why I feel this way...because logically this all makes no sense.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Speaking as a woman, I appreciate full disclosure.

 

Yes, the idea that this was an STD check that may or may not end well has it's own risks in terms of how someone will interpret it but anyone who is mature and responsible, would respect the fact that (1) you're not putting them at risk until you know more (2) you're being honest and transparent.

 

I think the way she handled things says more about her than you. I mean, who gets that upset about not getting laid?? Give me a break.

 

Moving forward, honesty is always the best policy.

Edited November 7, 2019 by Michelle ma Belle

[movingonnow1]

You are all right. She's obviously not the right person for me because her reaction was WAY out of proportion.

 

It's a learning lesson for me. I wish I handled myself better and that's why I wanted to reach out and try to explain everything.

 

The intention was, once I got my results to sit her down and explain I'm sorry for not telling you this early, but I just wasn't comfortable to discuss this yet as it came as a shock. It's something I need to work on myself and get more comfortable at being vulnerable early on in a relationship. I normally take a bit of time to open up. I'm really disappointed in myself...but I just couldn't think straight during that moment.

 

I guess it also has to do with how things ended and flipped so quickly on me. It's so rare for me to meet someone I've connected with (clearly one-sided) and have it all fall apart so quickly.

 

She viewed me not sleeping with her as "odd and she thought things would happen differently" and that she doesn't know what to make of it. I guess I just really came off weak while I did it because I don't even really remember what I said. If I was honest, and she still rejected me, I think I would be OK. I just wish I didn't feel so disappointed that I didn't get to say everything I wanted to say.

Edited November 7, 2019 by movingonnow1

[Michelle ma Belle]

You are all right. She's obviously not the right person for me because her reaction was WAY out of proportion.

 

It's a learning lesson for me. I wish I handled myself better and that's why I wanted to reach out and try to explain everything.

 

The intention was, once I got my results to sit her down and explain I'm sorry for not telling you this early, but I just wasn't comfortable to discuss this yet as it came as a shock. It's something I need to work on myself and get more comfortable at being vulnerable early on in a relationship. I normally take a bit of time to open up. I'm really disappointed in myself...but I just couldn't think straight during that moment.

 

I guess it also has to do with how things ended and flipped so quickly on me. It's so rare for me to meet someone I've connected with (clearly one-sided) and have it all fall apart so quickly.

 

Life happens like this sometimes...it throws you curve balls and you just don't react the right way to it. I just wish I didn't feel so disappointed that I didn't get to say everything I wanted to say.

 

You didn't do anything wrong.

 

In 99% of cases, even if you withheld the information, most women wouldn't have had such a dramatic reaction to someone looking to take things a bit slower (not realizing why of course).

 

You did what was comfortable for you and what you thought was right in that moment. Most women would be fine with it all things considered. She is the one in the wrong here. Better to have figured her out sooner rather than later when you REALLY invested time and energy and your heart.

 

It's all good my friend.

[lauri]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Trust me, take it from me. I've been hard on myself and it's such a waste. You gotta accept you did the best you could do, regardless of the outcome.

 

You did the right thing and you should be proud of that. She sounds like someone who doesn't deserve you.

[todreaminblue]

you absolutely did the right thing......the mature responsible thing to do .....you know you should be able to say you weren't ready no explanation necessary you wanted for her to be safe.women fight fo rtheir right to say no ....the same respect should be afforded to guys who say no...without repercussion or blame........

 

if you had found out you had something you being responsible would have informed her of your results.....rejection is part of life..no is just as necessary as yes.......being not ready or waiting is also part of life as is the right time...and the wrong time.... when you are waiting for results...

 

not getting your own way also happens in relationships i feel its the tougher times that define a relationship....compromise acceptance and open and honest discussion.....she cant handle no.....or not yet....not ready.she probably shouldnt be jumping into a sexual relationship just yet......it gets way tougher...move on wish her well...feel justified in what you did.....best wishes...deb....

Edited November 8, 2019 by todreaminblue

[healing light]

You would have got bonus points for testing yourself before sex with me (but I ask for this anyway).

 

women fight for their right to say no ....the same respect should be afforded to guys who say no...without repercussion or blame

 

^This, this, and more this. I don't understand the huge apparent double standard here; I've seen this pushy, entitled attitude around sex with some women I've known and it's a big character flaw, imo.

 

If you absolutely MUST let her know because you won't have peace of mind otherwise, then tell her you were getting your results processed, hence the wait (I'd leave out the other girl, not relevant at this point). But I would not do it out of hopes for reconcilation and be prepared for her to be immature again.

 

At this point I think you dodged a bullet. If she can be so cavalier about whatever reason you had that kept you from being ready, then she obviously does not place enough value on you to know you were worth the wait. Sex can be a big deal for some.... I just think it comes off as general immaturity and selfishness to have that kind of reaction when you're still in the beginning stages of dating.

[movingonnow1]

I still feel like reaching out to her but I know that no matter what I say, she won't believe me. I think if I was to reach out to her she would react in an immature way and completely disregard what I say...

 

But maybe, deep down inside, I feel like if I told her the truth she would believe she made a mistake about me and want to try again. I know it's irrational and it makes no sense...and I can't even explain why I want to have it restart. I think it's because I rarely meet a girl 1) I'm attracted to to me 2) build a connection with so quickly & 3) have a ton of fun on dates with.

 

I keep thinking about if I was on the other side of this hearing myself speak, I'd think I'm being ridiculous for thinking like this. I should just be moving on and forgetting about it.

 

I feel like she was just everything I wanted on paper.

[scooby-philly]

Hey OP,

 

Man your last post made me snort out loud. And it made me want to respond.

 

Theres that saying...you cant fix stupid. Well in dating and relationships you cant fix immaturity or craziness. Nor is it you job..especially early on.

 

Also, just get out there and date more. 10,000 hour rule man. Keep practicing. And that includes doing some work on you as well as introspection and reflection.

 

Okay...now the two reasons I wanted to respond.

 

First I'm a leader on the People side of business. And let me tell you...there is no such thing as a perfect job candidate or company or job on paper...let alone in reality. It's not going to work out long term if both parties arent fit for each other and know what they need and what they're good at. Same thing goes for relationships. To your point about someone having people attracted to you, building a connection with and having fun...just be yourself and if you think you have a problem in one of those areas tackle it. Switch certain things up. Dont rely on one place or Avenue to meet people. If you do OLD then have a trusted friend...esp of the opposite sex review your dating profile.

 

Second...my most recent ex was "perfect for me" on paper. Both introverted...her a little more than me...both wanted a family and a house and kids one day...both smart and both hard working. Both simple and down to earth. Similar tastes in lots of things but also different enough to not be boring. And lots of other things. But in reality? I dont mind showing emotions in a relationship and she expects everything to be perfect. It was a ldr with a sizable age gap. She still working on her education while living in the toxic environment she grew up in and she doesn't know how to be herself and has bad self esteem issues and abandonment issues as well. I tried so hard to make it work it in the end it was not meant to be and I over stayed my welcome and let my needs and happiness suffer as well as tolerating a lot of disrespect. So yeah, it's not about paper man but how you two either compliment, support, encourage, help, and love each other or...dont. lol. All love starts as chemistry and infatuation...but true love is about the hard work the communication and the support with similar goals and lifestyle and being able to give the love and support the other person needs. And from what you described..as several people have already stated...in this case you dodged a bullet.

 

And it's okay to wonder what if...but dont let your mind spiral or fixate. Stay present and stay focused on you

[movingonnow1]

 

Theres that saying...you cant fix stupid. Well in dating and relationships you cant fix immaturity or craziness. Nor is it you job..especially early on.

 

First I'm a leader on the People side of business. And let me tell you...there is no such thing as a perfect job candidate or company or job on paper...let alone in reality. It's not going to work out long term if both parties arent fit for each other and know what they need and what they're good at. Same thing goes for relationships.

 

Second...my most recent ex was "perfect for me" on paper.

 

Thank you.

 

It's not rational, I know. It's just how I feel. As time goes on, I'm starting to realize how little self confidence I have in my self.

 

I can act so confident upfront with a woman and then after something goes wrong, I lose my cool. I think my problem is I don't meet many girls now. Online dating has been tough but I'm trying to put myself out there.

 

I feel like I don't have the options I used to when I was in school since I started to work really long hours. I'm going to work on myself to become more attractive. But it's more internal problems than anything else. I made some major mistakes when I was younger and instead of getting experience with women, I chose to avoid it because I never wanted to get hurt.

 

Everyone always tells me I'm a catch but I just don't feel it. It's a major problem I have to get through and it's only my own fault. I'll figure it out.

[scooby-philly]

It's not rational, I know. It's just how I feel. As time goes on, I'm starting to realize how little self confidence I have in my self.

 

Well OP - let's separate things out. Self-confidence is about knowing what we're good at, knowing what we are not good at and doing the work to improve, and knowing what we're not good at and don't care about getting "better at". And that goes for things like dancing. Or meeting people. It can be applied to our careers and to the specific job we have now or the next job we want. To improve self-confidence you have to flush those things out. Talking about them helps. For some like me writing lists, having goals written down - short-term, long-term, etc. helps. And making sure we surround ourselves with (even if just a few), people who believe in us and support us and people who also will call b.s. on us. And I think it takes a little bit of analyzing on our parts to understand what we need to be happy, why we may want to be x,y, or z and knowing what causes us to act a certain way.

 

 

I can act so confident upfront with a woman and then after something goes wrong, I lose my cool. I think my problem is I don't meet many girls now. Online dating has been tough but I'm trying to put myself out there.

 

It's okay. Not sure how old you are - maybe mid to late 20's. Maybe early 30's. It's all good. I'm 38 now. I can feel bad about myself that I'm not married, I don't have kids, I don't have a thousand friends. And sure, there are times when I look at others and judge myself against them. But in reality.....at 38, no kids, a decent career, and good qualities - I'm a catch for someone. Now maybe I can't get attention or respect from a 21 yr old. But in reality, outside of maybe a hookup or a fwb situation, I don't want to date a 21 yr old. Heck, I just got dumped by a 24 yr old about two and half months ago and while it was rough going the first 10-11 weeks, especially in the first 4 weeks and then the last 2 weeks as I hit a second wall of depression, my mind has finally started to stop the "what did I do wrong", "what could I have done differently" crap. I actually feel relieved now. Relieved that I didn't have more of my time wasted, relieved because she hid things, was immature, didn't know how to balance life, and was babied and over protected all her life. I don't need to fix her. I don't need to beat myself up either - I did my best and she wasn't ready for a real, healthy, mature relationship. Her loss, not mine. In your case, focus on your good qualities. Get out there and do things. And if you want to work long and hard (which is okay) - do it M to F and then spend weekends doing stuff you like/love/want to try that gets you out there meeting people. And don't worry about failing. That's the biggest barrier to a lot of guys who don't have self-confidence scores off the chart. Just be yourself, work on becoming the best you you want to be - and you will start to attract people.

 

I feel like I don't have the options I used to when I was in school since I started to work really long hours. I'm going to work on myself to become more attractive. But it's more internal problems than anything else. I made some major mistakes when I was younger and instead of getting experience with women, I chose to avoid it because I never wanted to get hurt.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting to fix a trait or two about ourselves. Nor is there a problem wanting to "lose weight", "get in better shape", etc. But that cannot be limiting to your own happiness and sense of self worth. In other words, don't think you can't date or play the field until you achieve x or y or z. Being attractive is partly about the confidence you exude. And um...you have more options now then when you were in school. I mean, I don't know where you live, but if you're in your mid to late 20's now - the world is your oyster! Do some social stuff 2-4 times a month after work. Get out there at least twice a month on weekends in situations where you're having fun and meeting people. And boom - eventually something will happen. It's okay to be afraid of getting hurt. If you asked me a week or two after my most recent break up - my heart would have said never again! But time heals all wounds.

 

Everyone always tells me I'm a catch but I just don't feel it. It's a major problem I have to get through and it's only my own fault. I'll figure it out.

 

First and foremost, it's not your fault. You do not own the things that happened to you when you were younger nor are you responsible for the way you were raised. Good parents help teach their kids how to identify, process, and deal with emotions - but unfortunately most parents aren't "good parents" and a lot are pretty crappy - especially when it comes to life lessons. But you are now responsible as an adult to do the work to recover, to determine your own path, and to do the work to achieve whatever it is you want to achieve.

[spiderowl]

This is such a shame. You did the decent thing, OP, by not subjecting her to any risk. I am sorry it went this way.

 

I really think what you fell foul of is womens' intuition. She knew something wasn't right. She knew you wanted to sleep with her but weren't doing. In the end, she was very confused and concluded that you didn't want to sleep with her. She could sense some discomfort on your part and it did not make sense to her (because, truthfully, she was missing the essential information that you had).

 

I do not think she did the wrong thing by giving up on you. She trusted her intuition that you were holding something back. I think you were in a really difficult position, kind of 'damned if you do and damned if you don't'.

 

I know it hurts to have her on your instagram and so on. If you like her, you could return her and then just wait to see if she communicates (but don't stop dating others in the meantime). If there really was something special there, she will feel equally sad that things appeared to go wrong.

 

If you and she do ever communicate again, to the point where you feel you can trust her to keep confidences, tell her what happened. Something like that could rebuild trust. I would not do this unless there was some kind of rapprochment first though.

[movingonnow1]

scooby-philly

 

Man, I love everything you wrote. It's so thoughtful and helpful.

 

Self-confidence is about knowing what we're good at, knowing what we are not good at and doing the work to improve, and knowing what we're not good at and don't care about getting "better at".\

 

Never really looked at it like this. I think I'm realizing I'm just bad at communicating things I am uncomfortable about right now. For next time, I think I'd be more straight up about it. If I get rejected for being honest, then at least I know it's for the right reasons.

 

I actually feel relieved now. Relieved that I didn't have more of my time wasted, relieved because she hid things, was immature, didn't know how to balance life, and was babied and over protected all her life. I don't need to fix her. I don't need to beat myself up either - I did my best and she wasn't ready for a real, healthy, mature relationship. Her loss, not mine.

 

See, I think I should feel relieved. However, because I wasn't fully honest, I think that's why I don't. I feel like I made a mistake by not being straight up immediately. She feels like I'm lying and not being straight up with her (which I wasn't). I wish I was...but this ship has sailed and I can't get her to come back.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting to fix a trait or two about ourselves. But that cannot be limiting to your own happiness and sense of self worth. In other words, don't think you can't date or play the field until you achieve x or y or z. Being attractive is partly about the confidence you exude.

 

Great advice. I'm going to really focus on a change in mind-set and focus on more positive things. One really sad thing about myself is how I turn negative when things don't go my way. I need to learn to go with the flow better and realize that things will work themselves out if they are meant to.

 

First and foremost, it's not your fault. But you are now responsible as an adult to do the work to recover, to determine your own path, and to do the work to achieve whatever it is you want to achieve.

 

That's what I meant by it's my fault. I have to assume responsibility for everything that happens in my life. I don't like falling into the "I am a victim" mentality. If I always assume it's my responsibility, it's the only way I think I can move forward.

 

spiderowl

 

Thank you. It's okay that it went this way but I didn't know what to do. I did the best I possibly could and it just..didn't go my way obviously.

 

I really think what you fell foul of is womens' intuition. She knew something wasn't right. She knew you wanted to sleep with her but weren't doing. In the end, she was very confused and concluded that you didn't want to sleep with her. She could sense some discomfort on your part and it did not make sense to her (because, truthfully, she was missing the essential information that you had).

 

This is why I wanted to reach out to try to fix things and explain. But at this point, I feel like no matter what I say she won't believe me. So I don't know what to do...only thing I can think of is nothing. It sucks but that's all I feel is applicable in this situation.

 

I know it hurts to have her on your instagram and so on. If you like her, you could return her and then just wait to see if she communicates (but don't stop dating others in the meantime). If there really was something special there, she will feel equally sad that things appeared to go wrong.

 

I don't fully understand what you mean here. Do you mind for me to re-add her on instagram? Won't I come off really...all over the place if I do that now? I feel like she was really mad at me for removing her and sent a really angry message to me saying I am immature. I haven't heard from her since.