miss2017 Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 I met a guy online and since we started talking it has been non stop all day with messages and we also spoke on the phone. We haven't met yet but are planning to do so next weekend. We seem to get along really well, same values, same thinking, same energy and banter and I'm really having fun talking to him. The only thing that worries me about him is he is about to be made redundant from his job and he doesn't have anything else. He's going to job interviews but has nothing else now. I am in a very good place with my own business and financially, and would like to be with someone who is too, so we can enjoy life together without worrying about those things. Am I worrying too much or this can really be a problem? Thank you.
Lucovit Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 I met a guy online and since we started talking it has been non stop all day with messages and we also spoke on the phone. We haven't met yet but are planning to do so next weekend. We seem to get along really well, same values, same thinking, same energy and banter and I'm really having fun talking to him. The only thing that worries me about him is he is about to be made redundant from his job and he doesn't have anything else. He's going to job interviews but has nothing else now. I am in a very good place with my own business and financially, and would like to be with someone who is too, so we can enjoy life together without worrying about those things. Am I worrying too much or this can really be a problem? Thank you. Who says he can't get another job? I find it a bit strange you already come up with this even before you have met. If he was living on the street or perhaps doing a job with no future at all (that you know he can't land a decent job) I can understand you have doubts, but now? I am for the moment without a job too, so I am also a bad potential partner? (yet I have a engineering degree and can land a very well paid job in the near future....) 2
Author miss2017 Posted November 6, 2019 Author Posted November 6, 2019 Who says he can't get another job? I find it a bit strange you already come up with this even before you have met. If he was living on the street or perhaps doing a job with no future at all (that you know he can't land a decent job) I can understand you have doubts, but now? I am for the moment without a job too, so I am also a bad potential partner? (yet I have a engineering degree and can land a very well paid job in the near future....) Ops that's not what I meant! Of course he can get another job and a better one! Maybe I've had a bad experience in the past with a lazy unemployed guy and that's why I am worried now.
MountainGirl111 Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 That can be a problem...it just depends...I know of relationships where she either makes more than him or he is Mr. Mom and they seem to be doing fine...but in those cases the female bread winner doesn't have a problem with it and Mr. Mom doesn't have a problem with it. The fact you've posted here tells me you WOULD have an issue with it...so I guess I would say "Proceed with caution..." Know yourself and figure within yourself if this is going to be a big issue with you. It's likely you've worked very hard to get where you are financially....so good job on that...a lot of folks would like to be where you're at! Now then...you haven't even met him in person yet...you haven't even been on a date...you can: 1) Wait til you meet him in person before you decide whether or not to drop this relationship. or: 2) Nip this budding relationship in the bud before you get in too deep. Finances ARE a big deal to most people. But only you can decide whether or not this is a deal breaker.
vla1120 Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 His job making him redundant might lead him to something even better down the road. I would not worry too much, yet. You're just getting to know each other. Once you get to know him, you should be able to tell whether he's serious about his career and a good match for you. Just pay attention to any red flags.
MountainGirl111 Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 Maybe I've had a bad experience in the past with a lazy unemployed guy and that's why I am worried now. I know what you mean: I had a bad experience with this too...I was working full time and over time graveyard shift...it paid well...and my boyfriend had just finished college...(which is good)...he got his degree, but during his last year of college I was the sole bread winner while he went to school full time... So he got his degree and said one day, "I'd like to take the summer off." I'm like...that's just wrong when he's perfectly capable of WORKING!! The main reason this didn't set will with me is because I felt he was taking advantage of my income (my hard work) and wouldn't contribute. while he had plans to just have a bunch of fun all summer. So I had to lay down the law and he got a job pronto. HOWEVER: Your case is a bit different than mine because you haven't even met yet. There, I'll try not to get on my soapbox again.....haha
d0nnivain Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 It's something to think about. But you can't predict the future. Men do tie their sense of self to their profession You haven't been on a 1st date yet. Don't prematurely worry about things that aren't your business
Lotsgoingon Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 You're jumping to a worst case scenario about him before you've met ... And then ... you go further and throw in a worst case scenario about yourself: that you might get meek and passive and end up used by someone who is struggling--and what, all the while keeping silent?! Dang sister, you got some serious all-or-nothing thinking going on. How about meet the guy first. He might have money saved for his transition. He might get a new job quickly. He might struggle for a job and still be energetic and resilient and worth spending time with. You don't have to reach a conclusion now. You build a conclusion based on getting to know him more. You can stop a relationship at any point. Just because you start a relationship doesn't mean you should keep going ... if you get new information that the person isn't good for you. You can stop before things go further ... as in no second date ... You can stop if you don't like the way he's looking for a job ... let's say that's five weeks in ... you can stop 2 months in ... or 5 months in. Sometimes we have to stop a year in, even two years in. Some people are great at hiding and b.s.-ing and you don't really discover the real person til much further into a relationship. The piece you might be missing is that you only commit in increments ... you commit to going to a first date ... and that's it! You keep your feelings in check and remind yourself that you don't know this person (doesn't matter how much you texted). Gotta trust yourself some. Just go for a first step. Good luck.
Author miss2017 Posted November 6, 2019 Author Posted November 6, 2019 Thank you guys! I usually don't worry too much how they are before a first date. But I am really enjoying talking to this guy! It's so rare that you find a connection and conversation that lasts and keeps going, so I guess I'm really curious about him! But you guys are right, I'm gonna go on a first date with him and see personally how he is and how we get along, before worrying about anything else.
MountainGirl111 Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 You're welcome. Your bad experience with lazy unemployed guys is likely driving your worry. Try to put that behind you if possible and stay in the present.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 Personally, I would never begin dating someone while they're unemployed. I also wouldn't even be on a dating site while I'm unemployed, as I wouldn't be in any position to begin a new relationship on such unstable footing with my career and finances. I'd tell him to get back in touch once he's gainfully employed, and continue considering others.
Snow_Queen Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 I’m not sure what becoming redundant means but I’m guessing it’s equivalent to being laid off. If that’s the case, he can’t really help that. It doesn’t seem all that fair to consider that a cause for concern just yet. You never know, you could be passing up on a great guy. Because he’s soon to be unemployed doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll be unmotivated, completely broke, or an overall deadbeat. Give him a chance first.
smackie9 Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 Going on a few dates is hardly being locked into a commitment...you haven't even met the guy...you may not even like him after the first date. One day at a time girl gee whiz.
Author miss2017 Posted November 9, 2019 Author Posted November 9, 2019 Hi guys, just an update about this guy. I think my intuition was right even before I met him and our date was really bad. So we met yesterday in the evening for a coffee at a local shopping mall. I liked him and felt attracted to him as soon as I saw him. We sat down and talked and he told me he's about to be without work in a month. He said he doesn't know what to do afterwards and also said he would like to have his own business but he doesn't have an entrepreneurial spirit and someone would have to hold his hand and pull him to do it because on his own he just doesn't do anything! Well I talked about my business too and what I do, etc, and then some builders started doing some work on the shop and we couldn't talk properly anymore. I was going to ask him if he wants to go elsewhere, but he asks me first where do I have my car parked... I was stunned! I was enjoying our time and we have been together only for 30 minutes! And I knew he didn't have anything else planned because he told me earlier on the day. So he took me back to my car, said goodbye and left me. I went back to the shopping mall because traffic is terrible at that hour so I decided to go back and do some shopping. I found this extremely rude of him to end the date like that. I don't know if I told him or did something he didn't like or whatever. Of course I haven't heard back from him afterwards and today. I felt tempted to ask what happened, but since he wasn't honest with me and just rushed me to my car, I decided not to say anything and just deleted his number.
MountainGirl111 Posted November 9, 2019 Posted November 9, 2019 I think you can go with your gut on this one. If there was nothing about the first meeting that made you feel positive it's better to nip this in the bud. 1
Caauug Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 I’m not sure what becoming redundant means but I’m guessing it’s equivalent to being laid off. If that’s the case, he can’t really help that. It doesn’t seem all that fair to consider that a cause for concern just yet. Redundant = no longer a job and will not be one in the near future. (Company closing or moving, place of work closing, or down sizing.) I have had it once and am hanging around for it again, I hope it is coming soon. We get nice payouts when it comes. The last time I had worked there 7 years and walked away with about $60K pay out. Taxed at a lower than normal amount. That was 10yrs ago. Maybe everywhere is not the same.
Lamron300 Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 It scares me that women thinking about this stuff before even going on first date:(
Author miss2017 Posted November 10, 2019 Author Posted November 10, 2019 It scares me that women thinking about this stuff before even going on first date:( To me it scares me that some women do not think about this stuff even before a first date! When you know what you want, of course you think about this. I have a successful business, am very well financially, so of course I want a partner who is too and we can grow and have a happy life together without job or money worries. This guy I went on a first date with the concerns I was already having, and my worries were true. He said on the date he is about to be unemployed, have no idea what he's going to do, complained about having no money and even said he would like to have his own business, but he needs someone else to hold his hand and pull him to do it because otherwise he doesn't move. So, it's a NO from me! Yes women should listen to their intuition even before a first date. 1
OatsAndHall Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 You're putting the cart before the horse in this situation. It would be a different story if he was currently unemployed but a) he hasn't lost his job yet and b) he's proactively looking for a new one.
Author miss2017 Posted November 10, 2019 Author Posted November 10, 2019 You're putting the cart before the horse in this situation. It would be a different story if he was currently unemployed but a) he hasn't lost his job yet and b) he's proactively looking for a new one. No you're wrong. He said he is about to be unemployed in a month, have no idea what he'll do and probably will be just enjoying his unemployment benefits for a while...
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