Stepper2000 Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 Hi Loveshack. My boyfriend of about 7 months has been talking about us movin in together. He makes comments and gestures that assert “...when we start living together...”.... “...this wouldn’t happen if we were living together...”. We’ve looked at houses together in several occasions, online and made some visits. That’s cool but not when he feels he only wants to live together and isn’t “ready” for more. I’m not ready to marry him no doubt , I just resent the fact that he doesn’t see how not cool it is to think I will accept a commitment of a HOUSE together and no commitment of the relationship per se. When I bring up the fact that I prefer not living together before making more serious commitments, he shuts down or we argue. ~One thing I notice is that he likes keeping me on the phone a lot and invites himself to things that I didn’t invite him to. And he manipulates situations that turn out with me initiating communication, because he complains that I don’t call him enough. A recent situation ended with him saying , you only called me because I had to MAKE you call me.~ 2 days ago I became fed up and looked at the big picture. I told him that I want out of the relationship. He asked what can we do to work things out? I said nothing and that there’s no need to keep discussing this and he should be who he is. In my mind, when a man asks his girlfriend to move in without discussing marriage, it’s insulting. He wants to keep her around and exclusive, but doesn’t feel led to discuss marriage prior to living together. So far he has called and has been texting as if he thinks I’m just upset and we’ll move past this issue and go back to normal. Truth is, I’m not even mad at this point. More sad and woke. It was a wake up call for me. I’m already sad that I told him it was over between us. I feel like we will slowly fade and I’ll miss him in spite of our differences. But I can’t live with myself feeling like I’m selling myself short by accepting “shacking up”. Am I wrong since we’ve only been together for 7 months.
preraph Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 Don't mix money with him at all unless you marry him! Don't do it. Big mess. You have every right to set this boundary, and frankly, seven months is too soon unless you've known this guy your whole life. It's not long enough to know what he's like or why he's so keen to just live together. Does he have kids he needs a sitter for, by any chance?
d0nnivain Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 There are a lot of flags here. Him manipulating you; him trying to force things on you; him inviting himself to your things. He doesn't seem to take your feelings into consideration. At 7 months it's too early to talk about living together. It's really too early to talk about marriage.
kendahke Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 He's got too many things against him to seriously consider him for a relationship.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 You're smart not to move in before you're at least engaged. He's not smart to try to skirt around the conversation like a little boy. I don't think he's a good choice for the long haul. He has a lot of growing up to do.
smackie9 Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 omg can you imagine what he would be like if you DID move in with him? You would be suffocated and trapped. He is not the guy for you. You are making the right choice here to move on. 1
mortensorchid Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 NO! There are a lot of reasons why you should not move in with this guy. And let me tell you why: 1) Money : The primary reason that people live together is not because they want to live together as bf/gf, it's because of financial reasons. EVERYONE I have ever met who are/were in living together situations say they are concerned with saving money BEFORE they say they are together because they want to live together because they are in love. One person ends up being the breadwinner of the household and they hate it. I've known a lot of women who end up supporting their jailbird / bad boy bf and end up supporting them, or vice versa. Think this is going to last? No, it doesn't. 2) Time spent : You have only known this guy for 6/7 months. You don't know each other that well, and infatuation is being to wear off. When it does, you better like that person. Not love, just like them. And if you don't, you're in trouble. Infatuation wears off QUICKLY when two people live together and then you're really in trouble. Before you even consider living together, be together for at least a year. 3) Living together will kill it : It NEVER works out when two people live together. If you live together you WILL break up, or if you get married you WILL get divorced someday. Why? They've done studies on it, and we're not sure why but for some reason the sense of commitment does not stick with people when they live together first. Don't believe me? Don't listen and move in with him and find out. And you might be saying to me (or others) that I'm a 44 year old woman who's never been married or who's never lived with anyone and has had a terrible track record with men. Well ... ALL of the guys I have been with lived with their past gfs and they are no longer with them. And I've seen divorces happen and they are nightmares that you will never wake up from.
Lotsgoingon Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 When I bring up the fact that I prefer not living together before making more serious commitments, he shuts down or we argue. ~One thing I notice is that he likes keeping me on the phone a lot and invites himself to things that I didn’t invite him to. And he manipulates situations that turn out with me initiating communication, because he complains that I don’t call him enough. A recent situation ended with him saying , you only called me because I had to MAKE you call me.~ Hey, the shacking up got her dander up ... but ... the real problem that jumps at me, that screams, is that this guy is controlling and manipulative. Period. End of Story. No further relationship. Over. Shacking up or not. He shuts down ... that's a manipulative feel-sorry-for-me tantrum. Dump this guy and don't look back. And see the full reality in front of you. Him wanting to shack up with you is a big problem because he's immature and treating you like dirt. That's the issue. He sounds like the kinda guy who'll move in with you ... mysteriously quit his job ...or you find out he really isn't working like you thought he was ... he hangs around the house all day ... and you're paying the bills ...
ExpatInItaly Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 This guy sounds utterly suffocating and exhausting. You made the right choice ending the relationship. Living together would have been a disaster, to say nothing of committing to a lifetime with him. He’s not husband material for a woman like you who values her independence and has a healthier view of relationships.
stillafool Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 You made the right decision by breaking up. I cannot imagine living with someone this needy. He would drive me crazy.
AJR2674 Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 Stepper2000, You have every right to expect more from someone who wants to live together. Stick to your guns. If he loves you, he will change his demands. However, you may also want to discuss his need to manipulate you - right now it appears to be fairly "light", however a manipulator is typically also very selfish and may even be narcissistic. If that is the case, run as fast as you can! I am praying for you!
Author Stepper2000 Posted November 7, 2019 Author Posted November 7, 2019 Thanks all for the feedback. I agree with basically every post. I will clarify one thing though, he is the one who supported me when I was not working ... so for that I appreciate him because it was something he didn’t have to do and he did and still does things that I don’t ask him to do. If anything I think he may feel like he can buy me or entitled to most of my time, ie basically what a few posters have mentioned... manipulative, insecure but he tries hiding it. The fact that he has orchestrated/manipulates situations to make me initiate contact bothers me a whole lot. He has even said to me before that, if he let his guard down completely I might think he was overbearing. He knows how he is and how I am and it bothers him a great deal that I’m not a phone talking person. I don’t feel the need to talk all the time or just linger on the phone. He’s told me it bothers him and he still tries forcing it from time to time. I feel like he’s pretty passive aggressive and a few other things I suppose. I’m just sad right now because we spent a lot of time and energy together. Love... yes... although my girlfriend suspects I didn’t like him as much as I thought(because of some other details). And I know that unless things change/shift for the better, I have to let him go or at least put lots of space between us. Again... I’m in a bit of a funk right now and it’s so freakin annoying...
smackie9 Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 He ain't gonna change. This is his personality. You want change find someone else.
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