HopefullyLove Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 Peace and love everyone! I decided to get back into the dating scene. I met this guy, I thought he was cool, he asked me out. We met in the office. We exchanged banter for a few weeks before he asked me out. Fast forward, we started going out, he seemed very generous, kind, caring, genuinely interested in me and building something. He told me I have a lot to offer. He told me how beautiful, sexy, nice, and feminine I was. His flattery was normally regarding my body. I never had sex with him. We went out for a month. He told me we are going to travel, we are going to do this, that, etc. All of a sudden he stopped talking to me and hanging out. He told me he would call me and he hasn't. He has asked for a picture of me, strange, but he kept asking for pictures and I don't feel comfortable sending pictures of myself. Honestly guys my feelings are hurt, I feel like a loser, but I really enjoyed hanging out with him. I don't understand how we got here. I know it was early stages but how do you get past this? I was in a long term toxic relationship before so I am not used to these games. Any wisdom you can provide is helpful.
mortensorchid Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 This guy sounds like a player - he gets you interested and then suddenly he goes poof on you. I think that's what happened. Sorry you felt like something was going to happen, but ... Ain't gonna happen. So just move on.
preraph Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 He wanted sex and figured a month was long enough to wait. I mean, he did all the flattery stuff and that was to one end, and that end never happened. I'm not saying it was the wrong decision since you met in the office. Just saying guys want sex relatively soon. At this point he just wants a photo to jack off to since you won't have sex with him. Maybe he was thinking it would tide him over, I don't know. Or maybe he just wanted to show it to other guys at the office, so you were definitely right not sharing that. Don't EVER share that. Once you do, it's out there for all to see. 1
MountainGirl111 Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 I was in a long term toxic relationship before so I am not used to these games. Any wisdom you can provide is helpful. Well, in a long term toxic relationship you likely were used to other types of games, huh?...or maybe they are better called "tactics".... I don't have a whole lot of wisdom, except to say if they say they're going to call you and they don't. there's not much you can do. I wouldn't be waiting by my phone that's for sure. They're either going to call you or they're not. You could always call him, sure, but then who knows, sometimes it's better not to know anything more and keep moving. Some men lose interest fast if there is no sex. 2
Author HopefullyLove Posted November 6, 2019 Author Posted November 6, 2019 He wanted sex and figured a month was long enough to wait. I mean, he did all the flattery stuff and that was to one end, and that end never happened. I'm not saying it was the wrong decision since you met in the office. Just saying guys want sex relatively soon. At this point he just wants a photo to jack off to since you won't have sex with him. Maybe he was thinking it would tide him over, I don't know. Or maybe he just wanted to show it to other guys at the office, so you were definitely right not sharing that. Don't EVER share that. Once you do, it's out there for all to see. Yeah he would say things like you seem like you have morals but whores put out. Guys like when women who like FWB. He asked me my 5 year plan, I told him I want a relationship, to continue to work on me. He said he is looking for a special lady, and talked about his professional goals. Gees I am so naive, I guess I thought he would behave better because we worked together at one point.
Lotsgoingon Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 Sounds to me like a guy of a certain age ... who is totally following the traditional male script of compliment the woman's beauty and take her over .. and take her to see the world. What seems absent is some intimacy and closeness ... and genuine sharing of minds and values and goals. This sounds like the way guys dated in the movies in the 1940s. That's not a good form of dating today when we really want to get to know people. And following this traditional script can easily become suffocating ... he may not be bright enough to know that the whole style of dating is off ... but he probably felt that the structure of his courtship was stifling something inside of him. 1
Author HopefullyLove Posted November 6, 2019 Author Posted November 6, 2019 Well, in a long term toxic relationship you likely were used to other types of games, huh?...or maybe they are better called "tactics".... I don't have a whole lot of wisdom, except to say if they say they're going to call you and they don't. there's not much you can do. I wouldn't be waiting by my phone that's for sure. They're either going to call you or they're not. You could always call him, sure, but then who knows, sometimes it's better not to know anything more and keep moving. Some men lose interest fast if there is no sex. Thank you I appreciate your input. Yes I guess both toxic. I still need to work on myself I desire a true connection not all these games/tactics.
Author HopefullyLove Posted November 6, 2019 Author Posted November 6, 2019 Sounds to me like a guy of a certain age ... who is totally following the traditional male script of compliment the woman's beauty and take her over .. and take her to see the world. What seems absent is some intimacy and closeness ... and genuine sharing of minds and values and goals. This sounds like the way guys dated in the movies in the 1940s. That's not a good form of dating today when we really want to get to know people. And following this traditional script can easily become suffocating ... he may not be bright enough to know that the whole style of dating is off ... but he probably felt that the structure of his courtship was stifling something inside of him. He is late 40s. We shared deep conversation, it was a joy to talk to him. I guess that is why I am hurt by this. I thought we really were working toward something.
MountainGirl111 Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 Thank you I appreciate your input. Yes I guess both toxic. I still need to work on myself I desire a true connection not all these games/tactics. Half the battle is knowing what your own desires are....and you desire true connection so you go for it girl. Some men will desire that too. It's good to know what you will or will not put up with. Also what you want more of...deeper connection for some...and it doesn't sound like you want casual sex. Their are many men who don't mind casual sex at all....but there are many men who aren't into casual sex either. If this dude does end up calling you again, just be honest and straightforward with him and let him know you don't want to date someone who won't keep his word.... 1
ExpatInItaly Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 Yeah he would say things like you seem like you have morals but whores put out. Guys like when women who like FWB. Yeah, you need to drop guys who say things like this. 1
stillafool Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 He told me I have a lot to offer. He told me how beautiful, sexy, nice, and feminine I was. His flattery was normally regarding my body. I never had sex with him. We went out for a month. He told me we are going to travel, we are going to do this, that, etc. Don't you already know that the things he told you about yourself are true? If so, why are you flattered by his words? Women when you know you are these these things also know these words also apply to many women so don't take it as a sign that the guy is love struck. He's just making an observation. To me it's just fluff talk and not to be taken seriously. 2
BaileyB Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 (edited) Yeah he would say things like you seem like you have morals but whores put out. Guys like when women who like FWB. Nice. . You most definitely need to drop guys who say things like this. He said all the nice words to interest you, but his true intention was revealed in these comments. He does not respect women and he only wanted sex. No loss here... Edited November 6, 2019 by BaileyB 2
kendahke Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 I know it was early stages but how do you get past this? By remembering that you used to didn't know him. For whatever reason, he's changed his mind. That happens all the time. Don't invest so much in the early stages. 2
Author HopefullyLove Posted November 6, 2019 Author Posted November 6, 2019 By remembering that you used to didn't know him. For whatever reason, he's changed his mind. That happens all the time. Don't invest so much in the early stages. Thank you! That is a good way to look at this. 1
Author HopefullyLove Posted November 6, 2019 Author Posted November 6, 2019 He wanted sex and figured a month was long enough to wait. I mean, he did all the flattery stuff and that was to one end, and that end never happened. I'm not saying it was the wrong decision since you met in the office. Just saying guys want sex relatively soon. At this point he just wants a photo to jack off to since you won't have sex with him. Maybe he was thinking it would tide him over, I don't know. Or maybe he just wanted to show it to other guys at the office, so you were definitely right not sharing that. Don't EVER share that. Once you do, it's out there for all to see. He was never direct with me about that, we talked about it but I would rather have a man say I want to have sex, lol. I will say no, but I appreciate the honesty.
TheFinalWord Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 Maybe he just didn't feel a romantic click. Or it could be that he likes you, but since you work together, he doesn't want to get into it after all. He should have at least told you though instead of ghosting you. He said he would call, but didn't. A man that is inconsistent and doesn't keep his word, should be a filter you apply to lower your expectations of new men you go out with. Speaking of that... Did you two ever actually go on a date? 1
chillii Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 (edited) But how long since you've heard from him, what was going on last you spoke or were together were things like normal then ? Edited November 7, 2019 by chillii
Author HopefullyLove Posted November 7, 2019 Author Posted November 7, 2019 Maybe he just didn't feel a romantic click. Or it could be that he likes you, but since you work together, he doesn't want to get into it after all. He should have at least told you though instead of ghosting you. He said he would call, but didn't. A man that is inconsistent and doesn't keep his word, should be a filter you apply to lower your expectations of new men you go out with. Speaking of that... Did you two ever actually go on a date? Yes, we went out several times. The first date was really long, I had to end it lol, he wanted to keep going here and there, we had a fun time. Second date was cool, third date was a road trip, and a few after that. Plus lunch/coffee dates sometimes during the week. I'm perplexed, we started to speak more on the phone, one evening we spoke, everything was cool, I didn't hear from him I reached out via text, no response so I waited a few days then called. His tone was kinda cold, not his normal happy self and he got off the phone quick. It is not logical to me and we have been knowing each other several months before even dating, I know I can't control others but it seems so cruel. I no longer work with him and this is when him asking for pics came in.
Author HopefullyLove Posted November 7, 2019 Author Posted November 7, 2019 But how long since you've heard from him, what was going on last you spoke or were together were things like normal then ? Yes everything was normal, this is why I am distressed. Last we spoke we were considering a lunch date but I have a new gig and I said we should wait until I get more acclimated because my schedule isn't as flexible. We spoke and we had a good conversation, I did not hear from him so I waited a day and reached out via text to just say hello and have a great day, no response. So I waited a few more days and called, he sounded cold or just not his usual happy self. He has some work issue that is significant but I don't see how that can cause this behavior. He kept the convo short and said he would call me tomorrow and he did not. I waited a week, reached out and let him know I miss him and was thinking of him. He said he missed me and would have something to remember me by if I sent him a picture lol. I said in person is better and that has been it.
TheFinalWord Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 Yes, that's wrong. Very cowardly of him. The reason it's frustrating, is it sounds like you have no idea what happened. He could at least tell you "hey I'm not feeling it" or "I met someone else" or "I don't think we should take this any further since we work together." Something. People can be real pieces of work! I feel bad for you OP. Hang in there. I know this doesn't do anything for the pain, but you see his true colors now. He's not a man because he's a coward. He treated you wrong for no apparent reason and he's just not a good human. It hurts, but at least you got to find out how he really is. And the picture thing is weird. It's like he's building a collection of women he's been with or something? Odd.
Author HopefullyLove Posted November 7, 2019 Author Posted November 7, 2019 Yes, that's wrong. Very cowardly of him. The reason it's frustrating, is it sounds like you have no idea what happened. He could at least tell you "hey I'm not feeling it" or "I met someone else" or "I don't think we should take this any further since we work together." Something. People can be real pieces of work! I feel bad for you OP. Hang in there. I know this doesn't do anything for the pain, but you see his true colors now. He's not a man because he's a coward. He treated you wrong for no apparent reason and he's just not a good human. It hurts, but at least you got to find out how he really is. And the picture thing is weird. It's like he's building a collection of women he's been with or something? Odd. I wonder if he feels I was getting the wrong idea. We never said what we were. I figured we were getting to know each other as friends and perhaps progress to lovers. I went out of town and we spoke everyday, brief but everyday, I wonder if he feels I was getting the idea he was my boyfriend and he didn’t want me to feel that way. Even when we first kissed, he asked me if I had wondered why he hadn’t kissed me and I said yes, he kissed me by immediately stuffing his tongue down my throat. Maybe he never was really interested in me. I know one of the last conversations we had he asked me what I want for my life and I said love, he said he is looking for that special lady and stopped speaking to me lol. It’s not really funny but I don’t know what else to do. We talked about the kiss and I told him you don’t just go full tongue lol at first so I don’t know if I hurt his feelings.
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