What would you do?

[Chesty]

I couldn’t agree more.

 

The mother is only 1/2 of the parenting equation... there is a big role for you here dad, it’s time to step up.

 

I’m the stepdad and she won’t allow me to interfere as it’s her and the boy’s biological dads job not mine according to them

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I have a 17 year old son who occasionally showers in my bathroom if my daughter is taking too long in their bathroom. Not only would I not step foot in the bathroom if he was in the shower (and there's a shower curtain), I don't think I've ever even gone in my attached bedroom when he's been in the shower. If I suggested I join him in the bathroom while he's in the shower he would probably ask me if I was OK.

 

Also, he does cyber school. They are not all weird.

[Beendaredonedat]

^ But this kind of mom seems the kind to want to hold onto her "baby" forever, so if anything, she's happy he can never get a girlfriend to stick around. Then he has more time and attention to give mommy.

 

IMO, that scene is a given. He will want a girlfriend though but she likely won't stick around for too long.

[Beendaredonedat]

I’m the stepdad and she won’t allow me to interfere as it’s her and the boy’s biological dads job not mine according to them

 

Ah, Chesty. I feel for you. It must be very difficult to witness all of it and not be able to contribute in anyway without getting sent to the proverbial dog house.

 

Chin high, dude.

[IslandSanctuary]

Leave and be alone if you cant find someone better. Red flags all over the place.

[preraph]

So have you talked to the biological dad and let him know what is going on? Does he hate you, or do you think he'd be willing to not rat you out? I wouldn't be able to stand a situation where I had no say in it, I'm afraid, but yes, it's the parents' role, mostly, but I just wonder if his dad knows what is going on. If you're on any kind of decent terms, you might at least have a beer with him and wade in gently.

 

Whether you're allowed to interfere or not, if you have serious worries about this, I'd either ask the kid or report to CPS with an agreement they don't report who reported, and those laws may vary by state, though.

[Chesty]

So have you talked to the biological dad and let him know what is going on? Does he hate you, or do you think he'd be willing to not rat you out? I wouldn't be able to stand a situation where I had no say in it, I'm afraid, but yes, it's the parents' role, mostly, but I just wonder if his dad knows what is going on. If you're on any kind of decent terms, you might at least have a beer with him and wade in gently.

 

Whether you're allowed to interfere or not, if you have serious worries about this, I'd either ask the kid or report to CPS with an agreement they don't report who reported, and those laws may vary by state, though.

 

 

If I reported to CPS it would be clear who did so as I’m the only one besides counselor and people on this site who obviously don’t know me know about this.

[Chesty]

So from a previous post my wife has “checked out” because I had issues with her 17 year old son being 3 feet from her taking a shower while she did her hair. It’s been very rough last few weeks as she has “checked out”. Now the past few days when she went away for weekend with said son to see a football game and see her mom, she became very “loving”. Well the truth is she needed me to do something for her. Very loving when she needs something, but reverts to being mad when she doesn’t. Now I absolutely recognize that she is using me by giving me attention when she needs it - ie I recognize it’s just a front. Most of me wants to call her on it and not help when I recognize that I’m being “used”. I want this marriage to survive but I’m not going to be a fool and play the “I’m nice when I want something “game. Seeking advice on how to handle this situation. I am doing counseling to fix me and in turn I hope fix our marriage. My natural reaction is to say “f*$k it and call her out on it “but my “natural reaction” has got me to this point so I know it’s not the right way to approach it. Any advice would be appreciated.

Edited November 5, 2019 by Chesty

[Ruby Slippers]

If I were in your shoes, I'd ask her to go to marriage counseling to discuss the boundary issues with her son and how that's affecting your relationship.

 

Like I said before, I don't think her dynamic with him will change much, as these things tend to get established fairly early and not change much.

 

But at least you can get it all out on the table and hopefully make some improvement. I imagine it will be a compromise, with her moving toward healthier boundaries, and you learning to be more tolerant of the dynamic that's already established.

[MountainGirl111]

I would probably call her out on these issues....but prepare yourself before you do that as calling someone out on stuff can quickly spiral into a hum dinger of a fight. Most relationships that are already kind of "rough" have already had their share of fights...and it can be sooooo wearisome to fight some more...I know they say as long as people are fighting they still have feelings for one another and will be more likely to fight for their marriage.....but I just don't know about that...in some cases the more you fight the more likely it is you may reach a point where you feel like throwing in the towel.

 

The way you describe how she treats you is terrible...and the dynamics with her son? Hmmm. Unhealthy boundaries there.

[Mr. Lucky]

Now the past few days when she went away for weekend with said son to see a football game and see her mom, she became very “loving”.

 

A little confused, how could she be loving when she's gone?

 

And given the disconnect between you, why is her treating you well under any circumstances a bad thing ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lotsgoingon]

Your wife's icky and strange bond with her son reminds me of stories of incest-survivors who hide from sex as part of their unresolved trauma.

 

Putting all her energy and focus on the son blocks any sexual energy between you and her, blocks emotional closeness between you and her. It's a way of hiding and keeping the focus somewhere else. And I bet you get little alone time with her.

 

What strikes me as odd is that wife's shower behavior (and the rest) is potentially a 10-alarm fire ... and you're merely whispering about it. This behavior isn't a "conversation." It's reason to leave. Surely after one week of living with her you knew something profoundly unhealthy was going on between her and her son. This is not madness you can go negotiate with or "talk about."

 

In counseling: you need to figure out how you missed this bizarre relationship with her 17-year-old. And I hate to tell you this: you might have some unresolved sexual stuff as well. It took a lot of sexual blindness--a lot of overall blindness--to end up with this woman.

 

I feel for you brother. Definitely a situation you want to consider leaving. You will ALWAYS be second fiddle to the son. Always.

[The Outlaw]

If she's gone off her rocker when you confronted her about it, there really isn't too much of anything you can do other than pull him aside as already said and talk to him about it. He'll always be her baby, but he's 17 and she needs to back off so he can learn to do things for himself or he may always expect things to be done for him. And not allowing him the slightest bit of privacy when he's in the shower is WAY too much.

[Chesty]

Your wife's icky and strange bond with her son reminds me of stories of incest-survivors who hide from sex as part of their unresolved trauma.

 

Putting all her energy and focus on the son blocks any sexual energy between you and her, blocks emotional closeness between you and her. It's a way of hiding and keeping the focus somewhere else. And I bet you get little alone time with her.

 

What strikes me as odd is that wife's shower behavior (and the rest) is potentially a 10-alarm fire ... and you're merely whispering about it. This behavior isn't a "conversation." It's reason to leave. Surely after one week of living with her you knew something profoundly unhealthy was going on between her and her son. This is not madness you can go negotiate with or "talk about."

 

In counseling: you need to figure out how you missed this bizarre relationship with her 17-year-old. And I hate to tell you this: you might have some unresolved sexual stuff as well. It took a lot of sexual blindness--a lot of overall blindness--to end up with this woman.

 

I feel for you brother. Definitely a situation you want to consider leaving. You will ALWAYS be second fiddle to the son. Always.

 

Spot on about blocking sexual energy and closeness...alone time - what’s that? ( I never get that with her)... I already talked to a few counselors and a police officer friend of mine and none say that it rises to level of CPS intervention... ughhh what a nightmare.

[todreaminblue]

telling her it is akin to child abuse was wrong for starters he isnt a child...and brushing you hair in a mirror while a son showers is a bit strange..what is more worrying that you also still see him as a child not a young man..hence the words child and abuse.......

 

i feel that having an open non judgemental discussion might be warranted as donnivain suggested using positive dialogue about how to make your stepson more self sufficient and brain storming some positive interactiopns and future plans.......with you maybe remembering as a mother.... she has also had to take on a fatherly role and may feel guilt about the situation that stands between the genetic father and his son.so over compensaTES...i dont know the details.....do you? have you asked...do you know about the father and his involvement with his teens.....

 

i have a suggestion to add to donnivains post which was elightened......maybe you could step up to your step son and do fatherly things with him take him out fishing...watch a game of football..go to the movies...game of rounders whatever takes yours and your step sons fancy...do some team building on the relationship between you and your stepson and spend some more time with him doing manly things.....take him for a steak lunch.....let him cut his own meat..help him feel manly.....

 

.. instead of judging a mother who has taken on role of mother and father......who might be dealing with guilt and compassion for her son not having a father around to show him the ropes.....or not wanting to ask you help her raise a non biological son .....to raise her son as good parents do together...side by side....talk to her...tell her you want to eb involved...and then back that by action.........i notice you call him your step son...do you have that sense of commitment? maybe she is waiting for you to step up to the plate and batter up.... but doesnt want to ask....do i feel she is over compensating.....yes i do feel that she is..why do you feel the younger son is treated differently...does the older son have obvious issues......deb

Edited November 6, 2019 by todreaminblue

[Lotsgoingon]

Doesn't surprise me that the authorities don't consider this any kind of abuse.

 

But ... let's stay clear. Her behavior is destructive and toxic ... unhealthy and stifling and sexually confusing ... and showing poor boundaries.

 

Her son, god bless his heart, will have ample material for therapy for many, many years. The problem is ... he'll expect his mom to set up the therapy, drive him to and from there, and remind me what to do after therapy. And all continued interaction with her ... will just add to the problems he enters therapy with.

 

Why are you in this relationship? Seriously. Money? I don't see how you can feel basic integrity and peace in a household where this stuff is going on.

[Chesty]

A little confused, how could she be loving when she's gone?

 

And given the disconnect between you, why is her treating you well under any circumstances a bad thing ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

“Loving when she’s gone” means sending loving texts being flirty etc... the issue is she is only doing so when she needs something... ie she’s trying to manipulate me

[Ruby Slippers]

Technically what she's doing isn't "abuse" - but it's definitely unhealthy and she's stunting his development and compromising her own mental health and independence.

 

Usually this happens because there was some kind of trauma and the mother is reacting by creating this codependent dynamic to reassure her that she's not "alone". It seems very common that mothers without a good father figure present start to lean on their sons in very unhealthy ways, relating to the son almost as if he's a surrogate husband, and behaving as his surrogate wife. She likely started this before you came along, possibly long ago, so changing it won't be easy.

 

In her mind, since they have a kind of surrogate husband and wife relationship, she sees nothing wrong with being in the room while he's naked.

 

It's messed up. But I really don't think anyone other than a counselor advising her can help. As the parent, she's leading the dysfunctional dynamic, and she'll have to change how she's relating to him to change the dynamic. To do that, she'll probably need to get to the root of the anxiety/fear that's driving her to behave in such a dysfunctional way.

[preraph]

I think as someone said earlier you need to make her get into counseling with you. Before you pick one, call the office and ask if they have abuse reporting responsibililties, because I know some do but not sure if all do or not but probably. So take her to one that you know has to report abuse if they determine it is serious enough and can't fix it. This takes it out of your hands, but you'll have to be the one to tell the counselor about it.

 

This child's dad should know about this. You didn't respond when I asked if you could talk to him, so I guess that's a no.

 

If the therapist thinks it's necessary, the boy can be counseled too.

Edited November 6, 2019 by preraph

[Marc878]

You can't fix this only your wife could.

 

My question is under the circumstances why would you remain in this?

 

It's not just weird. It's really out there.

[Ruby Slippers]

Because he made a vow to love her for better or for worse. This is why I asked how long they've been married and if he noticed the weird dynamic before.

[spiderowl]

What reasons does your wife give for the way she babies her 17-year-old son? Have you asked her? While he may not be autistic, there may be other special needs involved. As a mother, she may have a natural instinct that he needs more care than most teenagers. It is hard to know really.

 

As you are his step dad not his natural parent, you may not be picking up on the instinctive things she is. I remember an ex of mine wanting to read the riot act to my son because he stayed out later than expected and I was worried. It turned out that my son had missed a bus and was sitting at a bus stop with his friend. He was sitting at the wrong bus stop. My son has Asperger's and did need extra help with some things. He was always getting lost. My ex was totally unable to understand what I was picking up though. He wanted to tell him off. I knew my son hadn't done any of this deliberately. He is a gentle character who would have been very hurt if my ex had had chance to have a go at him. I would not let my ex say a word. I knew he was wrong and did not understand my son.

 

I don't know about the shower thing. It could be she was in there doing her hair or whatever and he insisted he needed a shower. She just looked the other way and finished doing her hair. Families tend to muddle along like that sometimes.

 

I think you need to ask her what her perception of her son's behaviour is and if there are ways you could both encourage him to be more independent. It sounds to me like he does have some special needs and therefore may need more support to become more independent.

[fishlips]

On 11/1/2019 at 3:23 PM, anika99 said:

 

Are you sure you're not exaggerating or embellishing here? How is it possible for a 17yr old boy of normal intellect to believe in Santa? All of his schoolmates surely would have told him that there is no Santa by now. Plus he would be laughing stock of the town if he truly believed in Santa at his age. His peers would humiliate him horribly. I don't believe that he believed in Santa up until 5 months ago. Perhaps he let his mother believe that he believes in Santa in order to appease her which just further goes to show the unhealthy relationship she has with him.

My co-worker said her 15 yo son believes in Santa, and she seemed pleased about it. I think it happens more than we think, even though it is weird.

 

OP,

I recall that you posted about this in another thread. Did you end up getting a divorce? I don't know if what your wife is doing qualifies as abuse, but it is very disturbing. This poor boy obviously needs some help. Have you talked to him to see if you can help him?

[Chesty]

22 hours ago, fishlips said:

My co-worker said her 15 yo son believes in Santa, and she seemed pleased about it. I think it happens more than we think, even though it is weird.

 

OP,

I recall that you posted about this in another thread. Did you end up getting a divorce? I don't know if what your wife is doing qualifies as abuse, but it is very disturbing. This poor boy obviously needs some help. Have you talked to him to see if you can help him?

She has moved out and won’t talk to me.  Her kids are so attached to her that they deny anything even though I recorded the initial conversation and played it for them - yes I told the, I was recording at the time.  Talked to a couple of CPS agents at a bar eating dinner at hotel and used a “friend is in this situation “. They were both deeply disturbed and suggested I tell my “friend” to contact them.  

 

Edited December 17, 2019 by Chesty

[usa1ah]

No surprise that she moved out. 
 

Get a hold of CPS and give them the recording. Then file for divorce. 

Edited December 17, 2019 by usa1ah