Am I completely misreading things here?

[welphereiam]

I have been hanging with a girl for about four months now. I am usually airing on the side of "she doesn't like me" but this time it is a little different. I do like her and I got the feeling she likes me too but she does things that makes me feel like I'm way off base. First, I would much rather run for the hills than have that awkward "we're just friends" talk. I have tried to be as sure as possible before putting myself out there. Why? Because I've been friend zoned more times than I could count.

 

This girl and I have become really close. She'll call me and we'll talk for hours. We'll text about stupid things. She'll ask me for a ride to work, I met her mom at a family BBQ. Honestly it feels like we are in a relationship without being in a relationship.

 

I told her that I liked her before and she told me that she wasn't interested in a relationship right now. So I backed off and kind of have been cautious to being hurt and to take things the wrong way. Until...the phone call. She called me one night after she had been drinking and during the 30 minute phone call told me how much she cared for me, how much she liked me, how much she wanted to be with me, told me it's been way too long since she's had sex, and invited me over to her place to cuddle. I declined because she was drunk and I was not and I'm not a guy who is going to take advantage of the drunk girl.

 

Next morning I reached out and she said she doesn't remember and she is super embarrassed and she doesn't want to know what she said. Having been in that next morning drunken situation in my life, I decided to just let it go.

 

Ever since that phone call things have been weird. There's been a distance. So I decided to tell her about it. She again says she has no recollection of it and she is so embarrassed, and she's sorry. She said the doesn't know why she said all that and said she doesn't feel that way. That was hurtful. Then things became even more weird. She spent 15 minutes trying to convince me that I don't like her, I don't want to be with her. She's a bad girlfriend, she's not a good relationship person. She wants me to find someone that I deserve and she's not it. I mean who says that stuff? You don't deserve me? Huh? She also said she wants to introduce me to her friends and maybe I can find someone I'm into there. (Which to me is the ultimate friend zone death sentence) so I took her up on it in the moment. (She's made no efforts to hook me up with her hot friends!)

 

After I talked to her about it, she said that she hopes we can put that phone call behind us and stay friends. Having been in the friend zone most of my life, I got a little frustrated and said that I didn't know if I want to be friends or not. Which is the truth because I feel like there's been mixed messages this entire time.

 

The next morning after we talked she sent me a text kind of blaming it on me, saying she thought I was aware she has no feelings for me. And that she doesn't know what else to say, and the overall tone of the text was anger that I was bringing it up. The reason I was bringing it up was because of the phone call Where she told me that she had feelings for me. I know that if I'm drinking I'm usually telling the brutal honest truth when I am admitting that to someone.

 

I know most likely this is all something I will forget about in a few years but right now it's top of mind. Especially since I have spent so much time with this person, getting to know this person, and doing boyfriend type things for the person.

 

Any thoughts?

[lurker74]

The thing about fear is that it usually brings about that which you are trying to avoid. So you fear being friend zoned or rejected. Well, you've been both. And on her side, she feels rejected to because you won't make a move, so now she views you as non sexual. Not a good place to be.

 

Women generally like to be pursued. They like a man willing to risk part of himself to be with her. If you want to be de zoned, risk it. Go talk to her, and as the emotional volume gets turned up and she again says she wants you to be happy, tell her that she's the one to make you happy. Then kiss her.

 

If she recoils then you're out. But I suspect that she'll like it.

[kendahke]

She spent 15 minutes trying to convince me that I don't like her, I don't want to be with her. She's a bad girlfriend, she's not a good relationship person

 

The biggest favor you can do for yourself is to believe a person when they say these things to you about themselves and put some space between your feelings for them and yourself, not plow ahead as if you don't understand plain English.

 

Even if she didn't mean it, who even jokes like that about themselves? To make themselves look this bad to someone interested in them? Plus she drinks to the point of blotting out and forgetting what she said. She's got an alcohol problem if she's like that.

[Flame Aura]

Any thoughts?

I will help you out as I can see you really need some.

 

I know you are sick of being in the friendzone with girls - unfortunately that's exactly where are you with this girl, and you won't like to hear it, but it's completely 100% your own doing. Good thing is - you are the one who has the power to change things so it doesn't happen again, but you need to listen.

 

Firstly and most importantly when you meet someone who you like romantically - you HAVE to make a move and SHOW it. Yea there's a risk of rejection, but it's much better to be rejected right at the start, so you don't waste time, just like you have with this one. That means asking them out on a date straight away, not to 'hang out' or 'talk for hours' or take a ride to work etc

 

If for whatever reason they say no, then that's the end of that one. You NEXT her. What you do not do under any circumstances is think if you become her 'friend' and stay in her life, things will magically change. They won't.

 

Secondly when someone tells you they are not ready for a relationship right now, they mean with you specifically. What do you do? NEXT.

 

When she called you she wanted to see if you could step up from just a friend to maybe a friend with benefits. You turned her down for your own reasons, so she realised you would never be anything more than just a friend.

 

As a man, it is your job, your duty, to pursue the woman, make it clear what you want (more than just friends) and go for it, without being afraid of being rejected.

 

This woman has made it clear she has no feelings, there is no reason to stay friends with her.

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude you're deep in the friend zone and making a classic mistake. You're thinking (dreaming really) that being "close" and being a great friend will result in her one day shouting "It's YOU I want to be with! You're right here. You treat me so well. I love YOU!"

 

Romance almost never follows that path. Like the number of times this change happens is so low the mathematicians would say it's near zero probability.

 

I told her that I liked her before and she told me that she wasn't interested in a relationship right now.

 

This was it. You hear this, then stop being their closest friend if you want to be more than a friend. You're only setting yourself up for pain.

 

Lots of us do this when we're young. I certainly fell in love with a woman that I was a super-close friend to ... I brought up romance and she had trouble understanding what I was talking about. I thought I must have mangled my words because she literally seemed unable to understand what I meant by proposing more. About the most awkward conversation with a woman I've ever had.

 

Move on ... Drop the close-friend fantasy. It is a failed strategy since the beginning of time.

[schlumpy]

Believe what she's telling you and get on with life accordingly. If she's playing a game you will find out. Take her at her word and don't read anything else into it.

[Rocker71]

I will help you out as I can see you really need some.

 

I know you are sick of being in the friendzone with girls - unfortunately that's exactly where are you with this girl, and you won't like to hear it, but it's completely 100% your own doing. Good thing is - you are the one who has the power to change things so it doesn't happen again, but you need to listen.

 

Firstly and most importantly when you meet someone who you like romantically - you HAVE to make a move and SHOW it. Yea there's a risk of rejection, but it's much better to be rejected right at the start, so you don't waste time, just like you have with this one. That means asking them out on a date straight away, not to 'hang out' or 'talk for hours' or take a ride to work etc

 

If for whatever reason they say no, then that's the end of that one. You NEXT her. What you do not do under any circumstances is think if you become her 'friend' and stay in her life, things will magically change. They won't.

 

Secondly when someone tells you they are not ready for a relationship right now, they mean with you specifically. What do you do? NEXT.

 

When she called you she wanted to see if you could step up from just a friend to maybe a friend with benefits. You turned her down for your own reasons, so she realised you would never be anything more than just a friend.

 

As a man, it is your job, your duty, to pursue the woman, make it clear what you want (more than just friends) and go for it, without being afraid of being rejected.

 

This woman has made it clear she has no feelings, there is no reason to stay friends with her.

 

Reading this feels lile a spanking. I've embarrassed myself with a couple women I really liked by being too passive, thinking if I show them I'm not just thinking about sexing them, they'll see I'm relationship material.

 

I learned it doesn't work that way. I steered clear of sexual talk and flirting thinking maybe they'll like me better if I didn't come off as a sleaze.

 

Not flirting, not touching, being afraid to offend her with sexual talk etc. got me rejected, not friendzoned, rejected completely. I haven't heard from either of these women going on two years now. And I really liked them.

 

Ditto the quoted post.

 

"Experience teaches harsh but teaches best."

[lavenderandvelvet]

Reading this feels lile a spanking. I've embarrassed myself with a couple women I really liked by being too passive, thinking if I show them I'm not just thinking about sexing them, they'll see I'm relationship material.

 

I learned it doesn't work that way. I steered clear of sexual talk and flirting thinking maybe they'll like me better if I didn't come off as a sleaze.

 

Not flirting, not touching, being afraid to offend her with sexual talk etc. got me rejected, not friendzoned, rejected completely. I haven't heard from either of these women going on two years now. And I really liked them.

 

Ditto the quoted post.

 

"Experience teaches harsh but teaches best."

 

You don’t need to talk about sex to show your interest. Flirt, make your attentions known. And then go from there.

[preraph]

She's told you twice she isn't interested in a romantic relationship with you, just friends.

 

The one time she was drunk, well, now you know she is a drunk whose personality changes and she does things she later regrets. Not exactly good news.

 

Why you're ending up in the friendzone is specifically BECAUSE you are "trying to be sure" before you try anything. The longer you wait to make a move, the further into the friendzone you go, and that's a fact. You're creating what you fear most. Women don't like hesitation and fear. They like bold and fearless.

 

You're wasting your time with this one. It's gone on too long and she's already told you.

[Lotsgoingon]

Don't go for sex talk ... that's not the best way to flirt.

 

Start with something more along the lines of this: you see a woman looking nice and say directly, "Wow, you look fantastic." And shut up! ... Don't keep talking and explaining ... and ruining the energy. This takes practice ... practice saying this to the right person ... at the right moment. But ... that's more along the lines of what you want to do.

 

You want to ask people out with the intention that you see the meeting as a date. This is subtle and yet very pronounced. Friends, you immediately chat about everything, anything. Go down side alleys. Dates, you wait til you meet and you don't chase down every conversation path. You're focused on determining if you're interested in this person and if they are interested in you.

 

Stay away from helping people process pain. That's not dating. Let her call her friends for that.

[ExpatInItaly]

Eh, she was lonely and horny so she called you. Unfortunately, that call didn't come from a sincere place of wanting you as a person, but rather her wanting to feel wanted.

 

I would take ample time and space away from her. She doesn't feel the same way about you that you do about her. Her attempts to convince you she would be a crappy girlfriend and her offer to match you up with her friends are her reminders to you that you two are not going to date.

[todreaminblue]

honestly when you really like someone and they like you back its not hard to express how you feel even when you are shy......when someone likes you truly they try to make it easy as possible to talk to them and they want you to feel understood and free to be honest and open.......not harder to talk to or express yourself......

 

 

this woman is not your person ....you are right...friendship is not the option for you...wish her well ...find your person who makes you feel understood and who enjoys your interactions without the booze.....best wishes....deb