Girl rejected me after three dates and three kisses

[The Outlaw]

It happens to the best of us and while it's easier said than done, don't worry about it. There will be others but I wouldn't message her again.

[Ami1uwant]

Hi,

 

Today after a month of speaking and dating a girl I really liked, after asking her out for the fourth time, she’s rejected me. I feel like I’ve been led on as after each date and each kiss I asked her if she had a good time and she always said yes. Then last two days after third date she was taking 5/6 hours to reply, being blunt and short. I told her I had the flu and said as a joke come look after me, I want to see you. She said I have to be honest, this isn’t for me, you’re a good guy but this isn’t clicking, I know it’s not nice to hear first thing in the morning.

 

I’m a bit stunned and quite upset as I genuinely liked her. I didn’t really know how to respond, just wished her luck with luck and her holiday. My confidence is at a low as I felt we got ok we’ll and I did everything I could and I thought after three dates things were looking up. I don’t like dating for this very reason, I feel you have to date 7 people to possibly end up with one.

 

What would you do in this situation?

 

Move on...

 

My advice is always you should date someone three times before you know if there are feelings or sparks. She likrly didn’t feel anything eith your kiss. She likrly likes you as a person but she didn’t feel anything.

 

Coukd she have done this better..probably in explaining things to you.

[SumGuy]

Hi,

Yes, I am thinking/feeling very negatively at the moment, have barely left my flat. I think I am just grasping the reality of how disappointing dating can be. It seems that there is some magic words I am missing and didn't say.

There are no magic words, yet if you find them let me know.

There is a way to be centered...it takes work though and truly letting go of expectations and judgments and a need for validation. It is a mind set.

 

The other girl I went on a date with before this disappointment, seemed very enthusiastic but also reserved. She said "I haven't dated in this country and you're the only person I've matched with or met from an app". At the end of the date, she said that she'll be away in Greece for 3 weeks in December visiting her unwell father and was just warning me in case we're meeting up at that point. I said if she needs to talk thats fine and not to worry let's just see how things go. We talked in the same manner for next 5 days and everything seemed normal. I even felt so comfortable to ask her out by saying "you're coming crazy golf with me". Thats the kind of relationship I felt we had. Then near midnight on a random day she just asks if I would accept being friends. I'm sure she had her reasons, but the way she said it so casually and I genuinely believe she thought we could be friends, was odd. But fair enough I blocked her and moved on.

Is this the same girl with a new job? Even if not a sick parent is a major, major, stressor and time consumer...and especially hard if young.

Can you see the seeds of why she did this from what you posted here?

In short, she is going through major sh*t, telling her she is going golfing with you can come across like she is not heard... and her waiting until late at night to me says she agonized about the call and not sure how you would take it.

It may well be she was :"friend zoning" you (I do believe that phrase is over used and a cover for people not looking at themselves) OR she is just so busy that she is not yet ready to take the time at the moment to decide if she wants to be romantic and so wants to keep those expectations at bay until she does. Empathy goes a long way here.

 

The girl who just rejected me, I have mixed feelings on it. I guess a positive person would say three dates and three kisses is at least an opportunity and as you said things aren't 'fixed'. On the other hand I have very regretful feelings like how much did she lie? She cut the last date off at 9.20pm, first date didn't end till 1.30am. She said she needed to sleep, but she never sleeps early and now it is obvious she didn't want to be there. Even the day before she finally rejected me (only when I asked her out) she was receptive to coming to christmas party with me.

Christmas party? Isn't a little soon for that?

I'm not seeing anything in what you've written that makes it seem like she lied. Your tone here sounds a bit like you are blaming her.

Just because she stayed out to 1:30 am once doesn't mean going home at 9:20 pm is odd. In fact she may have been so tired after the 1:30 am date she realized she can't stay out that late again. I'm also not sure how you know this woman's sleeping habits to say she never sleeps early, but even if she never does, for many people it takes time to get ready for bed. Things to do and to generally decompress before they can fall to sleep. For me it can take 2 hours especially if i had to drive home...no matter how tired I am.

 

The sense of bitterness is over the fact that I feel she knew a while before she eventually rejected me, that she didn't want to date me, but went along with it anyway.

Sounds like she gave it a chance, would you rather she didn't?

 

As you said there would never have been a good time to reject me, but it was painful reading back convo and seeing how well we got along and then she withdraw all the humour and became very blunt, responded every 6/7 hours and eventually would've just shut off all contact.

That is kind of how it works. It would have been even more disconcerting if she was flirty and funny up until the very last second.

 

I'm not an intimidating at all, no one forced her to say "Hey! I had a really fun time! Sorry for cutting it short, my boss is in town and I don't want to be moody in meeting due to lack of sleep". Messages like that only gave me hope and resulted in me looking dumb. I would have just said "I had a good time, but I have to be honest, not sure that we click".

Not sure you are saying she said that or not, yet she can't know the way you want to hear it phrased...again empathy.

 

As people have said on here, dating is a risk, but I don't want to make a fool of myself again and I need to somehow find a way to match up peoples words with their actions.

It seems to me from what you reported their words and actions are matching fine. It is how you are viewing it and interpreting it where there is the dissonance. Not that you can't view it anyway you want, but in my opinion viewing it this way is making you bitter, and bitter is never attractive and it will stand in your way.

[Lamron300]

It happens to the best of us and while it's easier said than done, don't worry about it. There will be others but I wouldn't message her again.

 

It is easier said than done. I haven't been able to even think about my social life, let alone dating. It is only shooting myself in the foot as me not dating doesn't mean the world is going to stop spinning. But I am tired of wasting my time.

 

I have had some good reflections off this thread for when I do decide to date again. I need to be more picky, learn to say no to things I dont want to do and reserve my expectations.

 

I am quite annoyed at girl who rejected me, but anger is a useless emotion in this case. It is done and dusted now.

[Lamron300]

 

It seems to me from what you reported their words and actions are matching fine. It is how you are viewing it and interpreting it where there is the dissonance. Not that you can't view it anyway you want, but in my opinion viewing it this way is making you bitter, and bitter is never attractive and it will stand in your way.

 

Thanks for your feedback, I guess it is another way of looking at things. The girl with the new job sure has a lot of things on her plate, but no one forced her to sign up for a dating site. Even before we met, she asked me what one of my biggest flaws is and I said impatience. I said I don't like to message constantly without meeting as there is no point. She seemed taken aback by this and said she prefers to meet when she's comfortable. My position was fair enough. I would compliment her and she would say that she can't believe it as people have complimented her before and haven't meant it. I sipped my wine quickly on date and she said she has had bad experience with people who have sipped wine quickly. It seemed like she had a lot of quasi-negative experiences, which didn't have much to do with me. I empathise with her situation, but all these things were present before she met me. I have learnt from the situation and will only go on dates with people who 100% know what they want.

 

 

The girl who I am struggling to get over who rejected me, I feel she did lead me on. Obviously I can't put everything in a thread, but I feel she said unnecessary things when she didn't have to. The invite to the Christmas party came after she said something about her promotion. I said I'm looking forward to my rubbish bonus this year and then said hahaha and your rubbish xmas party. I then jokingly said, do you want to be my +1, she said possibly, when is it? I said the week of December 16, then she ignored. Again, if she isn't interested, why did she have to keep the possibility of meeting up alive?

 

If I'm not interested in someone, I would say.

[balletomane]

OP, I think the issue here is that you are viewing your early dates in a very different way from how most people would view them. Take this, for example:

 

The other girl I went on a date with before this disappointment, seemed very enthusiastic but also reserved. She said "I haven't dated in this country and you're the only person I've matched with or met from an app"...We talked in the same manner for next 5 days and everything seemed normal. I even felt so comfortable to ask her out by saying "you're coming crazy golf with me". Thats the kind of relationship I felt we had. Then near midnight on a random day she just asks if I would accept being friends. I'm sure she had her reasons, but the way she said it so casually and I genuinely believe she thought we could be friends, was odd. But fair enough I blocked her and moved on.

 

Some people strike up conversations with all or almost all their matches and go on lots of dates. Other people prefer to filter their matches more carefully, so they don't go on many dates at all. Personally I'm in the second category. I've matched with nine people so far, and I've only arranged to meet two of them. But just because I'm not going on lots of dates doesn't mean that I'm already convinced that one of these guys is the man for me. It means that based on their profiles and our online conversations, I think there is a strong likelihood we'll have a nice time in person. But the nice time could turn out to be purely platonic, because liking the look of someone on paper isn't a guarantee of attraction. Enjoying someone's company is not a guarantee of attraction. And being attracted to someone is not a guarantee of a relationship - I have one male friend whom I find pretty attractive and who is fun to be around, but I'd never pursue anything romantic with him because our lifestyles and aspirations for the future are so dramatically different.

 

Early dates are the time to figure all this stuff out. These women aren't lying to you or backtracking on what they previously said, they're involved in that process. You are giving a handful of dates far more emotional significance than they really deserve. If I've understood you correctly, you met the woman in the example I've quoted only once or twice before she went to Greece, and most of your interactions were online. The whole thing lasted for a very brief period. No wonder she felt comfortable suggesting friendship to you - she hadn't known you for long, and for her, things were still at that casual just-figuring-things out stage, where initial liking can lead to either romance or friendship or neither. But you had your heart set on romance, so you read enormous significance into the fact that you were her first date in the country.

 

On the other hand I have very regretful feelings like how much did she lie? She cut the last date off at 9.20pm, first date didn't end till 1.30am. She said she needed to sleep, but she never sleeps early and now it is obvious she didn't want to be there. Even the day before she finally rejected me (only when I asked her out) she was receptive to coming to christmas party with me.

 

Just because she had fun the first time doesn't mean all subsequent dates are going to be fun. Again, this is why people usually need more than one date to get to know each other. And that's probably why she kept trying with you. She wasn't lying, she wanted to give things a chance and see how they worked out. It sounds as if you want a solid yes-no answer far sooner than many people would feel able to give one.

[Lamron300]

OP, I think the issue here is that you are viewing your early dates in a very different way from how most people would view them. Take this, for example: /QUOTE]

 

I value my time a lot more than I used to, so going on a date (multiple) in this case is a bigger deal for me, than maybe someone else. I think that's why I attached more significance to the dates. You have two dates, if those dates said they had multiple other dates, how would you feel? The reason I ask is thats what made me more nervous with this girl than I should have been. The day we matched and had a great convo I said what you doing tomorrow, she said I actually have a date and did a sheepish/laughing face emoji. My heart already sunk at the point as I felt if she had a good date with him, maybe she wouldn't want to meet me or what if shes 3/4 dates in with that person. Maybe some people may feel the way it ended was natural, but I just detest the fact that she would have continued talking to me a lot less, then either completely ignored me or got nasty if I didn't ask her out again and speed up the rejection she gave. A lot of people don't even give you the courtesy of rejection, they just go silent, so I guess she handled it a bit better. The fact she said "I know its not a nice thing to hear in the morning" after she rejected it added to my humiliation.

 

So every date I went on with her I felt nervous thinking about that as I felt everything I did would be compared. Then I thought practically and said well the only way I won't feel like that if I also go on dates with other people, but since I hadn't already met them, I felt less strongly about them and ended up putting her on a pedestal. I think she had made her mind up already when I look back on some of her actions, so I think we probably went on 1 more date than we should have. I looked needy asking her constantly if she had fun, but I think I did it to see if we were on the same page.

 

 

I don't genuinely like the way I've been treated in dating, but as a man, I feel I can't vent about it. Also, a lot of women put 'no timewasters' on their profiles, which seems kinda aggressive and I don't want to be like that.

 

The good tips I've learnt from here are spend a lot less on dates, I spent about £400 ($511) on dates, date multiple people, be picky and have less expectations in people. I will try this out when I eventually feel able to date again in a few months.

[Lamron300]

I think the reason my frustration with dates is coming out and the reason I'm so downbeat is the last year of dating. Here is a brief outline, I'd be surprised if anyone has had worse luck.

 

1) I met a girl, got on well. We talked for a few days after the date and then she went silent. I confronted her and asked why then she said I realised I went on a date with your brother in the past. Got awkward after that and stopped talking

 

2) The same thing happened with another girl. We went on two dates and had a good time. She told me from the start she thinks she went on a date with my brother two years previously (me and my brother look nothing alike, no idea why it kept happening) I felt weird about it, but I mean if it was just a date I'd live with it. Then after the second date and second kiss:sick:, she started to go quiet around Xmas. She then came out with a big paragraph and actually said she has been hot and cold as they spent the night together on their datw two years ago. She got offended that I didn't reply to that sickening news and blocked me. Why would she even have gone on two dates with me if she knew that.

 

3) Met a girl that I thought I'd really get along with. First date was great, she initiated the kiss. I had a good time. Before we even met for second date she seemed to have changed. We basically sat in silence on second date, she just didn't want to talk for some reason. She agreed to third date and then just blanked me till I asked if I had said something wrong. She said she wasn't feeling it then blocked me.

 

4) I met a girl, we got along on first date. After 1 month (way too long to wait for second date) we went on second date. Again had a good time. She asked me to come Sweden on holiday with her, not because we got along fantastically, but I guess because she didn't want to go on her own. I said no as short notice and two that would be weird after just 1/2 dates. She then began to blank me I asked her why, she laughed and then said how are you? I asked why is that funny, she blanked again for days so I blocked her.

 

Inbetween other dates, which haven't worked out but been less controversial, it is very frustrating. I am trying to be a gentleman and optimistic, but I 100% feel I'm having ridiculous bad luck or my time is being wasted.

[balletomane]

I'm a bit confused about what you're expecting here. Do you think people should cancel all other dates once they agree to go on a date with you? It's pretty much a given that anyone on a dating site will be seeing other people. Insecurity isn't a comfortable thing to live with, and I sympathise with anyone who suffers from low self-confidence because I can be similarly negative about myself. But we have to be careful not to make other people carry the responsibility for our own fears and insecurities, and I think you're doing that here. For example, you 'mindread' a lot - you had one good online conversation with a woman, and then when she told you she already had a date scheduled, your mind jumped to 'what ifs' ("I felt if she had a good date with him, maybe she wouldn't want to meet me"). You almost sound resentful of the fact that she is exploring other options, even though you'd only had that one chat with her.

 

Working to overcome your anxieties is probably the most helpful thing you can do for yourself in the long run, because it's making you unhappy and there is a strong possibility that it's putting potential partners off as well. From what you've described, you can come across as quite nervous and hesitant on dates, and this combined with things like inviting a woman you're only just getting to know to a party that's still weeks away could give the impression that you're insecure and clingy. It also sounds as if it's impossible for a date to end things in a way that will satisfy you. This woman tried to say something kind and understanding, but you heard it as humiliating. But if she hadn't made that remark, I suspect you'd be upset by the coldness of her manner. At this point it sounds as if the only thing that will make you happy is for someone to agree to be exclusive with you right from the first date, and that doesn't seem like a realistic goal.

[Lamron300]

I'm a bit confused about what you're expecting here. Do you think people should cancel all other dates once they agree to go on a date with you? It's pretty much a given that anyone on a dating site will I suspect you'd be upset by the coldness of her manner. At this point it sounds as if the only thing that will make you happy is for someone to agree to be exclusive with you right from the first date, and that doesn't seem like a realistic goal.

 

I now in hindsight 100% agree with you that I probably came across as hesitant and insecure. Little things added to it aswell, we talked LOADS over text so I felt there would be nothing to say in real life. I was so into her, so quickly and afraid to 'lose' someone I didn't know that well.

 

In terms of online dating multiple people, I think that is why I'm minded to quit online dating. I guess it is the norm to see multiple people, but I don't see how it comes to a good outcome. I'm capable of it myself like I said I had dates lined up with her and two other women ( but from a needy point of view to protect myself from what I'm feeling now. I thought what if I had a great time with all of them and then I had to pick one? I would feel awkward about letting two people down, even though it is logical and it didn't come to that (didn't go anywhere with three of them and only met two). No one owes me anything and I don't think I can go on multiple dates with a girl who is going on multiple dates with other people as again I feel like nothing good can come from it. She kissed me three times and maybe kissed someone else three times or more, I don't see how suddenly that stops and you go from dates to a relationship. I've been on apps on and off for 5 years and nothing good has come from them, I probably do make a lot of mistakes as in this case, but sometimes it is on the other person.

 

I'm male and busy, which again puts me at a disadvantage. As I don't have time or money to date, multiple people. I live just outside London now( most matches live inside London), so I have to drop my car at home after work and then make a 45 minute to 1-hour train journey into London to attend a date. It isn't easy midweek, so when I make time for someone it is a big deal. When I had three dates lined up (Wednesday, Thursday, Friday) One wanted to go to a wine bar, the other wanted to go snowboard festival and last wanted to go for a coffee and to a museum. Ideally, I don't want to do that, but it seems like that is what you have to do to ensure you meet at least one person off online dating.

 

In terms of numbers, I used to be a journalist and wrote an article about online dating in 2012. I made a fake profile as a female and got 1200 messages in a few hours. There is a lot more men on dating sites than women, which skews the numbers. I guess I should be even grateful to get on a date. As another user said and I don't know why it is, but a lot of very attractive women on dating sites don't take them seriously. I've even had friends who don't find themselves attractive say, they have no reason to be on a dating site as they can get men easily in real life. So I think I get overwhelmed when I find someone on a site I find really attractive online.

 

When I used to go clubbing, I would detest myself as I would act completely different. I would act sleazy (being young) but it would seem to work, I would get kisses, numbers and even dates from clubs. I grew out of clubs and thought online dating would be better to find a partner, but I haven't seen a difference. I think I need to take a break to reassess and take the feedback I have gained.

[Versacehottie]

This is my big sticking point? maybe you could tell me where I'm going wrong.

 

 

The girl who rejected me, might have thought to herself she couldn't see anything sexually happening between us as apart from the three kisses, none of our dialogue was flirty. I think I said she looks cute in her glasses and I told her she was beautiful a few days ago, but by this time she was ignoring me/responding every 7 hours

 

So you see, she was lukewarm about you--her rejecting of you didn't come out of NOWHERE. In fact, in spite of feeling lukewarm she gave you a chance. Unfortunately, in her eyes, you just weren't it/didn't bring it.

 

Idk, the theme of this thread to me has been a lot of you wanting reality to be different than it is and complain about it, and regurgitate the sequence of events, solely from your perspective and through the filter of how you would process such things, rather than take active steps to figure out how to change your reality.

 

Tough love is this: most girls don't want to date someone who is bitter and complaining and views life through this lens at 26. I'm really sorry that you've had life events and sickness but you will need to present yourself differently and have different thoughts in your head to have more success. My favorite (i'm being sarcastic) is when negative thinkers think that what's going on in their heads/thoughts doesn't seep out to their outward behavior with others. Of course it absolutely does!! This is definitely a portion of why you are having dating problems. If you want to get locked into the minutia of dissecting the last 3 dates with her & the other date, it's fine but you really should look at the big picture as well. The constant on those dates was you, your thought process, your personality, your outlook on life. Not blaming you 100% but it absolutely plays a portion of the reason this was the outcome. Until you fully accept that, you won't be able to get past it and have some success with women IMO.

[Versacehottie]

It seems to me from what you reported their words and actions are matching fine. It is how you are viewing it and interpreting it where there is the dissonance. Not that you can't view it anyway you want, but in my opinion viewing it this way is making you bitter, and bitter is never attractive and it will stand in your way.

 

This 100% ^^^

 

She didn't lead you on. What would you rather she had done as far as timing goes to let you know she was no longer interested? Seriously.

 

Would an abrupt "yeah this isn't gonna work" mid sentence, 15 minutes in, on date 3 have pleased you? Got you to feel like she wasn't leading you on or having a bad time? She wasn't having a great time, thus why she no longer wanted to date you--which could have been slowly coming to light since date 1.

 

I disagree that snowboarding was a bad date. It may have only pointed out to her that you two are not compatible. I often give others advice that the venue and type of date plays a role--that said, if you are compatible and connecting, even what is seemingly a "bad" location (which i still objectively don't think that was) won't destroy an otherwise good connection/potential relationship. I've actually been to "bad" places with great guys and we end up bonding over how ridiculous or funny something is.

[Versacehottie]

[

 

So every date I went on with her I felt nervous thinking about that as I felt everything I did would be compared. Then I thought practically and said well the only way I won't feel like that if I also go on dates with other people, but since I hadn't already met them, I felt less strongly about them and ended up putting her on a pedestal.

 

I don't genuinely like the way I've been treated in dating, but as a man, I feel I can't vent about it. Also, a lot of women put 'no timewasters' on their profiles, which seems kinda aggressive and I don't want to be like that.

 

 

Ok, well the REALITY is you will constantly be compared to both real life ex-boyfriends, other guys the girl is dating and just her image or belief about what the right guy for her is like. Let's be fair: you do it too! Everyone does it. So let that go. Probably better manners if she hadn't told you about it but again I think you need to have realistic expectations (as a big thing you need to work on) and if someone is single, they may be dating others. Probably best to assume they are without necessarily discussing it in the first handful of dates--and then bring your best. The girl is likely still looking or not exclusive so if you are the better guy for her, you are getting your chance. The same thing is happening to them with guys who are single but also dating or talking to others. It's just reality.

 

Ok, you can vent here but I also don't think there is much value in continuing to complain about it or whine about it if you don't change your ways. To take a few months off dating when you only went out with this girl 3 times and didn't really establish a connection and to be gutted, seems to indicate there is stuff going on solely with you and that it's not heartbreak but insecurity/self-esteem stuff. You can't hide from that and then do nothing to change and try again in your same with with similar unrealistic expectations and methods. This IMO should be a blow that lasts a week max. And hiding out for months til you can do it again, would further up the ante and make your expectations higher and more unrealistic--unless you were getting therapy in that time.

 

I know you don't want to be aggressive like the "no time wasters" types but it IS exactly how you feel--to the extreme. So again, you are trying to suppress how you really feel and it's messing you up. Wouldn't it be easier to change how you feel about things? Temper your expectations and understand the dating environment from many perspectives. That would help you the most IMO (and therapy, sorry, it gets thrown out a lot but i think you must be dealing with a lot, lack of dating experience, feeling that your life is behind, needs to get started, different than normal socialization bc of illness etc and probably need some guidance and a little good push).

 

Good luck

[balletomane]

I was so into her, so quickly and afraid to 'lose' someone I didn't know that well.

 

This was my own experience with my last ex. Four and a half years ago I got out of an abusive relationship that was catastrophic for my self-esteem. This summer I finally felt ready to date again, and got together with a good friend. I fell for him so badly (probably because being treated well and lovingly was a dizzying sensation after what I'd experienced with the abusive ex) and the flip side of that was fear that I'd lose him. He did break up with me within a month, and while there were multiple factors at play there, my fear of loss was definitely one of them. You can't sustain a healthy relationship if you don't believe in your own worth as a person and as a partner. It sounds as if you have a habit of thinking about all the other men these women might be dating and wondering how you compare. Because of this, I don't think it matters whether you meet women online or in person - so long as you've still got that habit, you'll struggle to feel secure and confident.

 

In terms of online dating multiple people, I think that is why I'm minded to quit online dating. I guess it is the norm to see multiple people, but I don't see how it comes to a good outcome.

 

I think the outcome all depends on how you look at the situation. I've had three relationships in my adult life. All of them grew out of existing friendships. One (the first) was a very positive experience. We're still friends now. The second was abusive. And the third was the brief thing that ended this summer, and that resulted in the loss of a valued friendship. I used to think I was doing the smart thing by choosing men I'd known well as friends. But it clearly wasn't working for me, especially given the anxious state I was in post-abuse. So I decided to give online dating a shot precisely because the stakes aren't as high as when you get involved with someone you know well. This is my way for me to build up my confidence around new people, have some interesting conversations, and perhaps find a partner. I'm not coming to this with huge expectations, and because of this the pressure is off and I'm already behaving much more like my natural self than I was with my last ex, which can only be a good thing when it comes to potential new relationships. It's all about finding ways to meet people that don't aggravate your anxieties and that will eventually allow you to move past those anxieties.

 

As I don't have time or money to date, multiple people. I live just outside London now( most matches live inside London), so I have to drop my car at home after work and then make a 45 minute to 1-hour train journey into London to attend a date. It isn't easy midweek, so when I make time for someone it is a big deal. When I had three dates lined up (Wednesday, Thursday, Friday) One wanted to go to a wine bar, the other wanted to go snowboard festival and last wanted to go for a coffee and to a museum. Ideally, I don't want to do that, but it seems like that is what you have to do to ensure you meet at least one person off online dating.

 

Have you tried just saying what you've said here? "I don't want to go to X. I'd prefer to..." You could also suggest meeting at a halfway point. I'm getting the impression that you're so worried about losing your chance that you're suppressing all your own wants and inclinations, to the point where you may be coming across as bland and/or overeager. Of the two guys I plan to meet, one of them told me upfront that he gets nervous meeting new people. I'm glad he was honest instead of going along with my ideas, because this means we've been able to plan something that will hopefully feel comfortable for us both. It's important to be truthful. How else is anyone going to get a sense of what you're really like?

 

In terms of numbers, I used to be a journalist and wrote an article about online dating in 2012. I made a fake profile as a female and got 1200 messages in a few hours. There is a lot more men on dating sites than women, which skews the numbers. I guess I should be even grateful to get on a date. As another user said and I don't know why it is, but a lot of very attractive women on dating sites don't take them seriously.

 

A lot of women don't take dating sites seriously because they get bombarded with 1200 messages, many of which show no interest in them as individuals or are disrespectful. Getting a message just because you happen to be female is hardly flattering, and this is probably why the numbers are so skewed - no one wants to wade through an inbox filled with generic "Hey babe" messages from men who take a scattergun approach to dating and/or just want to get laid. If you aren't behaving like that, then of course you stand a good chance of getting dates. It's not a statistical impossibility. Your odds are actually good.

 

I think I need to take a break to reassess and take the feedback I have gained.

 

This sounds like a good idea. I hope it works out for you.

[Lamron300]

So you see, she was lukewarm about you--her rejecting of you didn't come out of NOWHERE. In fact, in spite of feeling lukewarm she gave you a chance. Unfortunately, in her eyes, you just weren't it/didn't bring it.

.

 

Thanks for your constructive feedback, very helpful. I agree with the point that I didn't flirt enough and that might have been why she didn't see a future between us. Good observation. I would do that differently if I had the chance.

 

I disagree that my outlook or previous experience seeped through on this date or any other. This case is only different to any other rejection in last few years as I feel it doesn't make as much sense. Usually, when a girl has been not into it, it has been obvious as there has been no 2nd date or kisses. I 100% understand the girls who have said they had fun with me but didn't, but I never have known a girl to kiss on three different occasions if they didn't want to. I am actually very good at holding back, I have never talked about an ex on a date or anything negative. I genuinely have fun on dates, but I guess what I've neglected on this occasion is fun doesn't equal attraction and attraction doesn't necessarily equate to a relationship. I have come across as hesitant due to nerves, which in hindsight is unattractive. I had my reasons, but still, I guess contributed to my downfall.

 

Saying all this, a girl I went on one date with in July, texted me out of nowhere last week asking why I didn't text her back 4 months ago after date. It was literally the worst date EVER, lasted twenty minutes, she just went shopping and then said she was tired and went home and I had a 1.5 hour journey back. No hug at the beginning or end of the date. I get to a point where I think I understand people and actions, but clearly not. None of that makes sense.

 

 

I am stubborn on the fact that she wasted my time, as did the other girl ( I made it clear I only wanted a relationship so to ask if I would agree to be friends, was pointless..I would just rather she said she doesn't want a relationship due to circumstance and wished me luck) The girl who rejected me I feel she agreed to things she didn't have to and lead me on in some ways, but it doesn't matter if I blame her or not as it is now over. I guess I have to tell myself that maybe she would have moved back to the US from UK and it wouldn't have worked anyway.

 

I can obviously only give my perspective of things and my opinion. I made mistakes by telling her I had a glass of wine before meeting her due to nerves, she said I'm nice you don't have to do that. Maybe that 'niceness' is why she couldn't tell me the truth earlier that she wasn't interested, which is fair enough if thats her personality. I've never been on more than one date with someone who wasn't interested in me or kissed them three times, so I thought at that point she would've been in to me or she wouldn't have done that. I guess everything makes sense if I think she was making a decision and only decided after third date, but I feel that isn't the case as she seemed different shortly before the third date. After third date I asked her to Xmas party in a joking way as I said, she said hahaha enjoy your rubbish xmas party, I said do you want to be my +1 hahaha? not expecting a serious answer. She gave a serious answer and feigned interest in coming with me. No need for that, made me think she wanted to see me again and partially why I'm bitter.

 

I'm generally a self-aware person and tend to be more cautious than confident, with the other girl I was comfortable enough to say "you're coming crazy golf with me" instead of asking as we had a playful relationship like that. She then said "are we:D: then I said if you're up to it. She then said she hadn't heard of crazy golf and would check it out, then asked me if I would agree to be friends I'm sure she had her reasons for that but it came across badly. Again, I'm not blaming her as you don't need a reason to break something off, but I think I made a mistake when assessing our suitability or her seriousness.

[Lamron300]

This was my own experience with my last ex. Four and a half years ago I got out of an abusive relationship that was catastrophic for my self-esteem.

 

 

This sounds like a good idea. I hope it works out for you.

 

Hi, thanks for the advice. I think it comes from bad experience and not insecurity and somewhat common sense. The third girl I was supposed to go on a date with, deleted the app and gave me her number. She said the reason she wasn't replying quick was she was busy with work. When I added her on WhatsApp, I asked her how she was and had small talk. She then said she has met someone online and its going well and doesn't think we should meet. I didn't respond and blocked her. My frustration here is she was the one who suggested we meet and suggested the date! I would have gone on a date with her and wasted my time. There is a difference between keeping your options open and then just arranging a date for the sake of it. The person she met wasn't overnight, so why bother arranging a date with me and giving me number if you're satisfied enough with the person you're seeing? People obviously just like attention.

 

Like I said, how does it make sense for me to go on a good date with someone, kiss them and then they go on a date the next day and I'm at home praying another man fails?? It isn't about confidence, I just feel that's wrong and I either need to date as many people as them or quit online dating.

 

The issue is my 'normal' message probably gets lost in the 1200 weird messages. I have over 200 matches on a certain dating app, but only 5/6 times has the woman liked my profile first. Respectfully, I disagree that the odds are good.

 

In response to your other question, I often ask the woman what she wants to do, where she wants to meet and when. I feel if someone chooses date, time and place they are less likely to back out. I never suggest meeting halfway as now I live outside London, there is nothing to do here. So it wouldn't make sense for them to come to near my area except if they were coming to my house.

Edited November 10, 2019 by Lamron300

[The Outlaw]

It is easier said than done. I haven't been able to even think about my social life, let alone dating. It is only shooting myself in the foot as me not dating doesn't mean the world is going to stop spinning. But I am tired of wasting my time.

 

I have had some good reflections off this thread for when I do decide to date again. I need to be more picky, learn to say no to things I dont want to do and reserve my expectations.

 

I am quite annoyed at girl who rejected me, but anger is a useless emotion in this case. It is done and dusted now.

 

Being rejected always sucks, but it could be a blessing in disguise and you may have avoided a disaster. But don't give them a second thought. Brush it off and try to improve and move onto the next girl.

[Versacehottie]

Hi, thanks for the advice. I think it comes from bad experience and not insecurity and somewhat common sense. The third girl I was supposed to go on a date with, deleted the app and gave me her number. She said the reason she wasn't replying quick was she was busy with work. When I added her on WhatsApp, I asked her how she was and had small talk. She then said she has met someone online and its going well and doesn't think we should meet. I didn't respond and blocked her. My frustration here is she was the one who suggested we meet and suggested the date! I would have gone on a date with her and wasted my time. There is a difference between keeping your options open and then just arranging a date for the sake of it. The person she met wasn't overnight, so why bother arranging a date with me and giving me number if you're satisfied enough with the person you're seeing? People obviously just like attention.

 

 

Lamron, you are truly being hypersensitive. In this example, you are upset that she told you what was going on with her AND upset that you COULD HAVE wasted your time and money IF you had taken her out. Do you see how unrealistic and not rooted in reality that is? Sure I guess be upset that she is no longer interested in you. But what potentially could have happened is unreasonable totally.

 

Now, in actuality you shouldn't be that upset that she met someone else or more likely was dating someone else before you. Again, you are failing to accept REALITY. You are meeting her on a dating app. She is single; you are also perusing various profiles and chatting with people. Both of you likely are. There is nothing wrong with it--it's the fr*cking business model of the app!! Not to mention single life!

 

Hypersensitive also because you never went out with her. Imagining you exchanged a few messages total?? So again you claim that you don't do it but when you explain your point of view it is obvious you do do it: you act as if your chance from ONE POINT IN TIME is a fixed thing--it is not. Life is fluid and moving. Things can change by the next day. Let's say you started talking with her on a Monday but the guy she went on one date with over the previous weekend had a Wednesday date with her. You talk with her for a couple of days and arrange a possible Friday date. On the Wednesday date he gets more serious about her and she agrees thus cancels on you when you follow up on Friday morning. Not a big deal. I would say her deleting her profile should have been a clue to you. If she didn't delete it for you, then it's a clue to what else is going on in her life. I would also add that she (LIKE THE OTHER GIRL) was increasingly showing you lack of interest in you---this is in part from you failing to sustain interest. You definitely are the guy who would be like "well she swiped right on me!!!" You can lose interest and she is allowed to lose interest; also if you don't do enough to sustain it and as she gets more info about who you are, i.e. your negativity etc, she might lose interest. (just as you might as you learn more about her).

 

Also your non-response and blocking her (and others) when they are honest and respectful with you is unnecessary and immature--again shows your hypersensitive and tendency to be unrealistic and negative.

[SJ1975]

Hi,

 

Today after a month of speaking and dating a girl I really liked, after asking her out for the fourth time, she’s rejected me. I feel like I’ve been led on as after each date and each kiss I asked her if she had a good time and she always said yes. Then last two days after third date she was taking 5/6 hours to reply, being blunt and short. I told her I had the flu and said as a joke come look after me, I want to see you. She said I have to be honest, this isn’t for me, you’re a good guy but this isn’t clicking, I know it’s not nice to hear first thing in the morning.

 

I’m a bit stunned and quite upset as I genuinely liked her. I didn’t really know how to respond, just wished her luck with luck and her holiday. My confidence is at a low as I felt we got ok we’ll and I did everything I could and I thought after three dates things were looking up. I don’t like dating for this very reason, I feel you have to date 7 people to possibly end up with one.

 

What would you do in this situation?

 

Sadly, nothing my friend but move on.

[stillafool]

Hi,

 

Today after a month of speaking and dating a girl I really liked, after asking her out for the fourth time, she’s rejected me. I feel like I’ve been led on as after each date and each kiss I asked her if she had a good time and she always said yes. Then last two days after third date she was taking 5/6 hours to reply, being blunt and short. I told her I had the flu and said as a joke come look after me, I want to see you. She said I have to be honest, this isn’t for me, you’re a good guy but this isn’t clicking, I know it’s not nice to hear first thing in the morning.

 

I’m a bit stunned and quite upset as I genuinely liked her. I didn’t really know how to respond, just wished her luck with luck and her holiday. My confidence is at a low as I felt we got ok we’ll and I did everything I could and I thought after three dates things were looking up. I don’t like dating for this very reason, I feel you have to date 7 people to possibly end up with one.

 

What would you do in this situation?

 

I think she was trying to give a chance for sexual chemistry to grow. Maybe the first and second kiss didn't relay that so she gave it a 3rd chance. When she didn't feel chemistry after that kiss she felt it best to end it. Still, she probably had a good time out with you but felt more like a friend towards you than a lover. That's okay because you want a woman to feel what you feel when you kiss her. I don't think she lead you on. Dating is about finding out if you're compatible besides physical attraction.

[lavenderandvelvet]

You should be going on lots of dates, with lots of women, to get some experience and practice. You need to be flirty, light, teasing, fun, playful, and demonstrate sexual interest. Not being pervy or creepy, but you have to show her that you're a sexual man and you're attracted to her. It's tough to explain in a written post. But again, lookup Corey Wayne and Dan Bacon on Youtube. There's a lot of other dating advice channels for men that you could benefit from.

Ugh. This pickup artist stuff.

 

If you are only dating because you want to have sex ASAP, with as many “hot” women as possible then go for it. If this is your success metric. Don’t be shocked if you never find any thing real or deeper connection.

 

The whole point of a first date is to have fun and get to know each other. You don’t lose because she didn’t have sex with you.

 

The problem with the advice above is there are threads of truth in there. Most women want someone who is confident, who goes for what he wants, builds attraction. And we want to feel that anticipation of connecting emotionally and sexually. What most of us don’t want is someone who is playing a secret game to get as many conquests as possible - where there is a standard playbook and timeline that has nothing to do with us as an individual.

Edited November 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[lavenderandvelvet]

I don't kiss with tongues, just a quick peck on the lips and I only kiss on a date to ensure me and my date are on the same page...but I also don't want them to feel uncomfortable. It is so confusing.

 

I never thought I’d say this but you do need to escalate somewhat.

 

Hmmm, if you only kiss on the lips for each subsequent kiss, and if doesn’t escalate in a way to build tension, I can see your date assuming you aren’t that attracted. A kiss on the lips is a great place to start. Then maybe try several. And see what happens, but you do want to escalate to a deeper kiss, pulling her in closer. A few more things to demonstrate the attraction based on her comfort.

[lavenderandvelvet]

 

I ask myself why do I want to kiss this woman? It is never for pleasure, I just want to see if they are interested in being more than friends. However, some women have rules about not kissing until a certain amount of dates.

 

You should not kiss people just to check it off the list. You should feel like you want to kiss the person before initiating. If you are kissing, very chaste kisses, just to do it, it is not a surprise there is no attraction. People can feel a “pity kiss” if you will.

 

I don’t think you have the right mindset for dating right now. Maybe take a break.

[SJ1975]

I've been here before too, we all probably have. Anything under 10 dates, in my opinion, things like this happen.

 

I've had much worst happen to me and I'm still alive. I was seeing this girl for two months and booked a weekend away with her as a surprise,.costing me €1000 before she ended it. Her excuse was she wasn't ready for another relationship. The truth was she was shagging some other dude behind my back! That hurt, she lied to me. We were also away on holiday when she ended it. If she told me the truth I'd have been gutted but would have dealt with it and been ok. But she lied.

 

Just dust yourself down and go again mate.

 

Advice; dont invest financially or emotionally until you hit the 10th date

[Lamron300]

Being rejected always sucks, but it could be a blessing in disguise and you may have avoided a disaster. But don't give them a second thought. Brush it off and try to improve and move onto the next girl.

 

Been nearly a week since she rejected me and my mood hasn't improved at all. It isn't the first time I've been rejected, but for some reason probably the most painful. I genuinely thought we were compatible and something would have come of it. I haven't even been able to look at a dating app or thinking about dating since then.