Author Lamron300 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 Leave her alone and go find someone else. She didn't owe you a relationship just because you liked her. I wished her good luck with her work and then blocked her number as I guess she doesn't want to talk anymore. She doesn't owe me anything, I just felt that she could've made it known she wasn't interested instead of it coming out when I said I was ill and asked if she wanted to keep me company. Also just yesterday she said she would potentially come to a work Christmas party with me. I don't know if she was just too 'polite' to reject me or wasn't sure about things. I don't care too much about the money I've wasted on dates, just the time. What if she's felt this way since our first date?
Author Lamron300 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 Also kissing doesn't mean much, heck even sex doesn't mean much!. It means she finds you attractive but it doesn't mean she wants to pursue, doesn't mean she's not dating 2-3 more guys and kissing (sex) them too. . Thats what really scares me. When you first start meeting someone, they owe you nothing. She could've been kissing other guys on dates or having sex with them whilst going on dates with me. Which would be within her rights, but still an unsettling feeling. I said yes to snowboarding festival as I suggested the first date, which was an Italian restaurant. Now I'm worried that it was more the choice of dates as why she felt we didn't click. If we were at home watching a move in a calm setting, instead of looking across the table at an expensive restaurant, maybe we would've got on more? Also because we were in public we only did kiss on lips, maybe somewhere quieter we would have kissed more passionately? So many questions, which now I guess don't matter.
kendahke Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 What if she's felt this way since our first date? You know what? All of us go through this. We finally find someone we believe we click with and come to find out, they really don't feel the way we do. This is a part of being an adult looking for relationships. Not everyone we cast our eyes upon wishes to be the object of our ardor. 5
Gaeta Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 but I found it unsettling and made me paranoid and maybe needy. Would you still go on a date with a guy who has a date arranged, but it was arranged before they met you? Women on dating sites have a lot of contacts and go on a lot of dates. It doesn't matter. If she clicks with you she'll have no interest in the others and will concentrate on you. When I met my boyfriend for a coffee on a Tuesday I already had a date planned with another man for couple of days later and I went. Actually after meeting my bf for the first time I had already decided I would not see him again, I was lacking interest. When bf called me back a few days later to invite me to a bite and a movie I accepted, I thought 'why not', one thing lead to another and we've been dating 4 years. I decided to give him that 2-3 dates in case something develops, just like that last girl did with you. In her case it didn't develop but in my case it did. Too often men think they just need the right recipe for a woman to like them and if a guy with a better game shows up he's losing his chances. It doesn't work that way! We women will like what we like no matter how good of a game you've got. . 2
Gaeta Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 Now I'm worried that it was more the choice of dates as why she felt we didn't click.. Absolutely not. The type of dates has nothing to do with if she will like you or not. If we were at home watching a move in a calm setting, instead of looking across the table at an expensive restaurant, maybe we would've got on more?. Again NO. Do not invite women over your home too early. Home dates are for when you will decide to date exclusively. There is nothing wrong with restaurants, you may want to go for a walk after which would be a more private setting. Also because we were in public we only did kiss on lips, maybe somewhere quieter we would have kissed more passionately? So many questions, which now I guess don't matter.Public dates are important. Those 3 first dates should be out there. It's not a time to get close, it's a time to evaluate each other like is she smiling, is she polite with restaurant staff, is she funny, does she listen when you talk, does she participate in conversation, what are her interests, her life, etc. . 1
Author Lamron300 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 Too often men think they just need the right recipe for a woman to like them and if a guy with a better game shows up he's losing his chances. It doesn't work that way! We women will like what we like no matter how good of a game you've got. . I see. So if as a woman you've been on 4 dates with one guy and kind of like him, but accept to go on a first date with another guy, despite knowing you like the other guy...is that not a waste of the second guys time? I didn't want to take it too slow or too fast with her. So you're saying I need to be less invested in one woman, date multiple women and accept the fact the woman I like may be dating other men. I suppose that makes sense. Hard to accept, but makes sense.
Author Lamron300 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 You know what? All of us go through this. We finally find someone we believe we click with and come to find out, they really don't feel the way we do. This is a part of being an adult looking for relationships. Not everyone we cast our eyes upon wishes to be the object of our ardor. Fair enough. I just turned 26 and my late teens/early 20s I couldn't really date as I was ill. Fully recovered and then felt I needed to make the most of things, so a setback seems a bigger deal to me than someone else. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 You are a bit too nice & too trusting. It's fine to be a good guy. It's bad to be a doormat because you will get walked all over. When your EX's mother suggested moving in, you should have simply stopped spending time at the mom's house. You could have curtailed all sleep overs & hanging out to your place. She didn't have to move in. Also moving in for any reason including financial ones other then overwhelming love & a desire to cohabitate as a step to a fully committed relationship like marriage or however you define that is a mistake. Listen to Gaeta. You need to learn to say NO. When you do that, when you put your needs 1st things will improve. With OLD you must assume that the other person is dating others. You cannot push that to end for a while, possibly before sex but unless the 2 of you have had a conversation about exclusivity, both are free to date others. Stop thinking that you are in a competition & start thinking you are running one. What are these women doing to impress you? Why should you take yourself off the market for her? When you see yourself as the prize rather than the competitor you will be better served. 3
Gaeta Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 I see. So if as a woman you've been on 4 dates with one guy and kind of like him, but accept to go on a first date with another guy, despite knowing you like the other guy...is that not a waste of the second guys time? What seems the consensus out there is it's ok to meet different men under 3 dates. If a lady accept to see you for a 4th date then she should drop her other prospects. I would never have accepted a 4th date with a man if I was not interested in dating him only. If I accept a 4th date then I enjoyed our 3 first one and wish to date him only. You make your own rules. My rule was by 5 dates a man and I should address exclusivity. I did so with my bf after our 5th date (probably 6 weeks dating) I expressed I had a great time with him and did not wish to date others. He confirmed as well and we deleted our online profile. Some people need longer, in my case I will not see a man again if he doesn't want to date exclusively after 5 dates.
Author Lamron300 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 With OLD you must assume that the other person is dating others. You cannot push that to end for a while, possibly before sex but unless the 2 of you have had a conversation about exclusivity This bit is very hard. As I am very busy with work and when I'm not working, recently I've been ill (unexplained fatigue). So I find it hard to motivate myself to go on multiple dates (also with OLD you need to swipe and swipe and swipe). I do agree with you, its always me thinking about impressing the girl, its like a foregone closure that I'm into them. Saying that, I did have three dates lined up (one with another girl, one with the girl who rejected me and one with another girl). The first girl we had a great time and we continued to talk for 5 days afterward. Then at 10pm onw night she randomly said 'Uzzy, can I share something with you? was lovely to meet, I would love to continue to talk as we do, but as friends, would you agree to that? I didn't respond. Then I went on date with girl who rejected me and was blown away the second I saw her. From that date I liked her. Then the third girl literally said to me, I've met someone else, I don't think we should meet as its working out. Despite her suggesting the date? So I just feel a bit strange and deflated with dating at the moment. Never known so much rejection in any other part of life.
Gaeta Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 Fair enough. I just turned 26 I am far older than 26 but I am sure 26 years old women nowadays would enjoy other types of dates than fancy restaurants. Like I said a first meeting should be simple, coffee shop you can sit side by side, a walk in a park, ice cream parlor. Make your second date an activity, rollerblading, apple picking, rock climbing, what ever young people do these days. 2
kendahke Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 Fair enough. I just turned 26 and my late teens/early 20s I couldn't really date as I was ill. Fully recovered and then felt I needed to make the most of things, so a setback seems a bigger deal to me than someone else. You will find that strangers on a dating site are not family--your issues in your early 20's aren't for them to sort and stow. It is all our obligations to do our heavy lifting with regards to our emotional issues BEFORE we seek out partners to bring into our lives. Strangers on a dating site do not owe us the "happily ever after" role we want to assign to them. 5
d0nnivain Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 I only did OLD for 90 days 13 years ago. I hated it. It was demoralizing. IRL I never had trouble meeting quality people. On OLD it was flake after flake or rejects galore. It was dreadful. I gave up as soon as my subscription ended & I never looked back. OK, that is not entirely true. Upon meeting the man who is now my husband I made an obviously fake profile to check out his profile on a different dating site. I think my user name was fakename123 or something else ridiculous. I looked him up. Saw what he had to say which squared with what he told me. Went back one other time after he told me he deleted his profile to make sure it was in fact gone (it was) & then never bothered about OLD again. OLD is 1 tool. I think you are better served looking for love in real life. You say you are busy with work. Great! Use that as a platform to meet women. It's not a great idea to date in your company / employer but who else is in the building or next door. Try meeting people at networking events, like chamber of commerce type things or at industry events. Also check out who's around at continuing education events in your field. You are 26. Get involved in life. 2
mark clemson Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 How can I compete with other people? I'd say just feeling genuinely confident is half the game (although it's easier said than done). Faking it sufficiently well probably works too. If you go to an active bar, you will notice some people (both men and women) acting confident, then suddenly losing their confidence when turned down or "outplayed" but then suppressing or overcoming the loss of confidence and appearing confident again. (This doesn't mean that they're complete phonies or anything IMO - rejection always stings at least a little.) Being attractive helps a lot (although that too is easier said than done). Here is a thread on attraction that might help you "compete". There's also a 2nd thread linked within it that is pretty good, suggest you read both. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/690620-what-do-women-find-attractive 1
Author Lamron300 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 I only did OLD for 90 days 13 years ago. I hated it. It was demoralizing. IRL I never had trouble meeting quality people. On OLD it was flake after flake or rejects galore. It was dreadful. You are 26. Get involved in life. I think its spot on with what you said. I work in construction, surveying buildings for structural defects etc. It is a male dominated industry, so on a day to day basis, I don't see many women. I need to take up more hobbies and perhaps focus less on OLD. For last few years it has been my only avenue. The girl who rejected me said she was on OLD as she doesn't go out much, so I resonated with that. I do feel a lot better after speaking to everyone in this thread. Its difficult as obviously she doesn't owe me anything, after the rejection she gets on with her day without a second thought (which shes entitled to). Will take me a while to process though. When I usually talk to friends after a rejection, they make unhelpful comments such as 'she was average looking anyway'. I did find this girl very attractive, but I do agree I settle for less on OLD. I don't know if its a coincidence but I find it a lot harder to meet someone on OLD who has no emotional baggage, has aspirations and is relativley attractive. I don't bother sparking conversations with people on there who put their social media accounts in the bio, as they are usually just there for attention.
Author Lamron300 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 I am far older than 26 but I am sure 26 years old women nowadays would enjoy other types of dates than fancy restaurants. Like I said a first meeting should be simple, coffee shop you can sit side by side, a walk in a park, ice cream parlor. Make your second date an activity, rollerblading, apple picking, rock climbing, what ever young people do these days. I usually say do you want to meet up sometime? the woman usually says yes, when suits you? I will say I'm flexible and then we discuss what areas are convenient for both of us. I agree that coffee date or something casual should be first. I do get some women who seem to expect a fancy first date, maybe they aren't suitable. On a date what I want to achieve is to have a good time and nobody leaves early, then hopefully the woman texts me as soon as possible afterward.
Author Lamron300 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 Being attractive helps a lot (although that too is easier said than done). Here is a thread on attraction that might help you "compete". There's also a 2nd thread linked within it that is pretty good, suggest you read both. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/690620-what-do-women-find-attractive Thanks! I'm reading through the thread now. I sometimes wonder about confidence. What am I confident about? my looks? my ability to impress the woman? What makes me unconfident is past experiences. For example if I was to go on a date with a girl next week, after this bad experience...I would feel less confident. I felt confident after she said to me on first date I wouldn't have stayed out this late (1.30am) if I didn't like you and then she kissed me. Then other things made me less confident. I guess I need to have inherent confidence. 1
Tamfana Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 I think its spot on with what you said. I work in construction, surveying buildings for structural defects etc. It is a male dominated industry, so on a day to day basis, I don't see many women. I need to take up more hobbies and perhaps focus less on OLD. For last few years it has been my only avenue. The girl who rejected me said she was on OLD as she doesn't go out much, so I resonated with that. I do feel a lot better after speaking to everyone in this thread. Its difficult as obviously she doesn't owe me anything, after the rejection she gets on with her day without a second thought (which shes entitled to). Will take me a while to process though. When I usually talk to friends after a rejection, they make unhelpful comments such as 'she was average looking anyway'. I did find this girl very attractive, but I do agree I settle for less on OLD. I don't know if its a coincidence but I find it a lot harder to meet someone on OLD who has no emotional baggage, has aspirations and is relativley attractive. I don't bother sparking conversations with people on there who put their social media accounts in the bio, as they are usually just there for attention. Don't view them as "less" (since they're not) and view the process as finding your match. Lots of judgmental assumptions in your posts, but you did say you tend to be pessimistic. What's your goal? It's impossible to gauge success or failure without having a goal that you're succeeding or failing to achieve. Are you looking for your life partner? To get out and date? Have sex? Not sure yet? I think people often skip the "goal" step but it's crucial to assessing success or failure.
Versacehottie Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 I’m pessimistic in general. I think you should get a much tougher skin and work on that pessimism. And yeah only spend what you would consider an appropriate investment for you as far as dates go. I don't see how she did anything wrong. She was even gracious in how she let you know what was going on. Do you really believe that someone is obligated in some way the moment you make contact and then going forward. That is just flawed thinking. She is deciding; you are deciding. People will come to the final decision and even change their minds whenever they do that. You really need to widen your perspective about that concept and get a tougher skin. Work on your self esteem and definitely your pessimism. Pessimism is not your friend in getting girls to like you. Good luck! And you can do this!! 2
Lotsgoingon Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 If I have to ask if someone is enjoying time with me, there's a problem. In my experience, people will enthusiastically say, with no prompting frome me, that they are having a good time, a great time. I recommend the Netflix show, "Dating Around." It's a great reality show ... you will see people making clear their interest and their disinterest ... and the other person completely not seeing this or hearing this disinterest. I'm not convinced that you had much in common with this woman who has disappointed you. You're so focused on her feelings (does she like me?) ... you didn't say a word about what was so great and wonderful about her. I worry that you're turning women into generic figures.You want to start paying attention to how date woman #1 ... is different from date woman #3. Right now, one woman seems to be the same as another woman. That shows your thinking is underdeveloped here. You are not "competing" with other people in the way you have framed this. And to the extent you are competing, that's not brutal in the way you think. Ultimately you want to date someone who can go to parties and meet people at work and in activities and in life--and who doesn't get involved with any of these people because she sees you as her great thing. You win the competition in that sense. BTW: I would bet money that this woman you're so disappointed about ... would have been a very bad fit in six months ... in three months. Why? Because you're not looking for who works with you in the first place. Time to update your outlook here. 2
Author Lamron300 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 Don't view them as "less" (since they're not) and view the process as finding your match. Lots of judgmental assumptions in your posts, but you did say you tend to be pessimistic. . Sorry my post came across as judgemental, I meant to settle for less than I'm looking for. For example in a past relationship in 2017 (well pre-relationship, continuos dating) the person I was dating said to me "I don't want to meet more than once a week or we won't have much to talk about in person". I settled for this even though I completely disagreed with that sentiment. No surprise the relationship ended when I felt that she would never make any effort to see me. My goals on OLD or any dating is to meet someone, get along well and then get into a relationship. I like to travel like most people I meet, so someone who would like to travel too and settle down would be good. Thats why I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I'm going on lots of dates (I've counted 10 in about 5/6 months) which is a lot for me as I'm easily discouraged and don't often go on the apps.
Author Lamron300 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 Work on your self esteem and definitely your pessimism. Pessimism is not your friend in getting girls to like you. Good luck! And you can do this!! I'm not sure if she did anything wrong, I just felt more upset about the way it happened. Our last date was last Wednesday, which I'm assuming is when she was 100% sure we weren't a right fit. She called it off early as we had run out of games to play in the arcade and she was tired. Now I'm not sure if she was just bored of me. We continued to talk since then, but her responses were very blunt and often wouldn't enquire or ask me any questions back, which was unlike her. Then yesterday I was ill and made a joke about how she should come look after me and keep me company....then she didn't read the message till this morning and then thats when she said I need to be honest with you, this isn't for me. I guess in my head no good time would be for her to reject me, but as I said to her I feel worse as I feel that she was doing something she didn't want to do.
Author Lamron300 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 BTW: I would bet money that this woman you're so disappointed about ... would have been a very bad fit in six months ... in three months. Why? Because you're not looking for who works with you in the first place. Time to update your outlook here. Thats an interesting take that I hadn't considered. What I liked about her is she was very funny and seemed outgoing. When we first met we would send each other paragraph long messages, funny videos. Discuss the difference between America and the UK. I felt we could talk all day. I found her very attractive and she wore zero makeup. I couldn't ask her why she felt we didn't click, but I felt we did have things in common and could've had a good time. The fact she The way I talked to her and had back and forth conversation and spoke all day, I found it hard to imagine she could be doing the same with someone else. So I felt the 'competition' and knowing she had a date before she knew me I felt like what if he is taking her somewhere amazing? what if I'm not flirty enough? Maybe I am naive and I definitely thought too far ahead. I was thinking about her birthday in December, when was possibility we wouldn't even make it to then.
mark clemson Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 I guess I need to have inherent confidence. Agree, that or have that most of the time and then fake it the rest of the time. Which is not at all to say never be emotionally vulnerable. It's mostly while "playing the game" and competing with others. Confidence helps make you attractive. Once a woman really likes you, it's ok to "show your softer side" etc IMO. 2
Author Lamron300 Posted November 7, 2019 Author Posted November 7, 2019 Which is not at all to say never be emotionally vulnerable. It's mostly while "playing the game" and competing with others. Confidence helps make you attractive. Once a woman really likes you, it's ok to "show your softer side" etc IMO. I think I underestimated my vunerability. I thought I'd be over the rejection by now, but I haven't been myself for the last day or two. Very odd.
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