Lamron300 Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 Hi, Today after a month of speaking and dating a girl I really liked, after asking her out for the fourth time, she’s rejected me. I feel like I’ve been led on as after each date and each kiss I asked her if she had a good time and she always said yes. Then last two days after third date she was taking 5/6 hours to reply, being blunt and short. I told her I had the flu and said as a joke come look after me, I want to see you. She said I have to be honest, this isn’t for me, you’re a good guy but this isn’t clicking, I know it’s not nice to hear first thing in the morning. I’m a bit stunned and quite upset as I genuinely liked her. I didn’t really know how to respond, just wished her luck with luck and her holiday. My confidence is at a low as I felt we got ok we’ll and I did everything I could and I thought after three dates things were looking up. I don’t like dating for this very reason, I feel you have to date 7 people to possibly end up with one. What would you do in this situation?
stillafool Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 That's okay there are plenty more girls out there to date. Just because one rejected is no reason to be down on yourself. She didn't feel the chemistry you felt so she backed away. Be glad you found out now. You want someone you are compatible with who is excited about your kisses and future sex. She wasn't. 4
d0nnivain Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 Do nothing. Dating is a try out / an audition to determine if it will become something long lasting. She went on 3 dates with you but for her the chemistry just wasn't there. She is not obligated to continue dating you because you want to continue dating her. Of course it sucks. Rejection hurts. But it's a part of life. Her opinion is not a defining commentary on you. It's just her opinion. It means you two weren't right for each other. It doesn't make you a bad person. Shake it off. Get back out there. Do not get so invested in a person after such a short time & so few dates next time. 4
carhill Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 Short version.... a woman can reject you at any time, even after you're married. Learn from that. Try it yourself. Explore your emotions. Embrace them. She didn't feel like going out with you any more. That's reality. 2
Author Lamron300 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 (edited) Do nothing. Dating is a try out / an audition to determine if it will become something long lasting.... Hi, Thanks for your prompt response and encouraging words. What really hurts about this is the fact that she wasn’t upfront. She just slowly stopped being funny and talkative and even as late as yesterday she showed interest in coming to a work Xmas party with me. I’m not the kind of person who enjoys dating as I feel unsettled by the fact that people can be dating 4/5 people at same time. How can I compete with other people? I can only be myself. Obviously I’ve left her alone and deleted her number, but I do feel quite bitter. How can I ensure that someone is into me next time, apart from their words and actions ? Edited November 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Lamron300 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 (edited) She didn't feel like going out with you any more. That's reality. Thanks.... painful to hear but I guess it’s true. Edited November 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
d0nnivain Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 How can I ensure that someone is into me next time, apart from their words and actions ? You can't. Human beings are unpredictable. The most you can do is be your best self. In the early stages don't think too far ahead. After the 1st date you can think about the next date but no farther than that. After the 1st month you can think about the next month but keep your expectations in check. Dating will always have some element of uncertainty. There are no guarantees. It's like life in general. You don't know that your loved ones are not going to die together but you don't sit up curled up in a ball obsessing about random violence or accidents in the world. Similarly you can't assume that the person you are dating will dump you but both are possibilities. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 What really hurts about this is the fact that she wasn’t upfront. She just slowly stopped being funny and talkative Would it have been better if she'd have said, on the second or third date, "I'm still trying to figure out if this relationship is for me....I'm willing to give it a shot a couple more times, but I'm not totally sure yet..." Would that be better? Would you have wanted to be on date with someone who told you that? What should SHE have done in this case? 2
Author Lamron300 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 (edited) @CautiouslyOptimistic Maybe I’m only seeing it from my point of view. However, after the third date if she felt this way, it would’ve been better to say something. I put a lot of emphasis on the three times she kissed me as a lot of women I’ve been on dates on wouldn’t give a kiss even if the date went well, let alone if they weren’t sure of the clicking. I just feel bad about the fact each time I asked her if she had fun she said yes and gave me reason to believe we would continue to date. If it was the other way round and all of a sudden I started to take 6/7 hours to respond, she might have also been upset. This is what is messing me up in the head. If someone says something and they don’t mean it, how am I supposed to act? I don’t usually go for a kiss on dates as last thing I want to do is make someone feel coerced, but she kissed me each time so I thought we must’ve clicked. Also if I didn’t ask her out again would she have even told me she isn’t interested? Edited November 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Legatus Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 Nobody says you shouldn't be upset. That is an internal process entirely. At the same time it doesn't mean that having fun equals continuation of dating. That's what it is in your head but doesn't mean everybody follows the same procedure. I'm not defending her as usually I am also a fan of being open and honest but she tried to see if something is there. Three dates, even a kiss or three, perhaps she wanted to make sure there's no chemistry before making a decision. Still doesn't mean she didn't have fun. She probably wouldn't have told you she wasn't interested. The unfortunate human behaviour "ahh it will be easier on them if I just fade away". At least you asked and got your answer. Believe me some people don't even get that! 4
Author Lamron300 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 (edited) You can't. Human beings are unpredictable..... I guess you’re right. Does that mean not to invest too much in the actual dates,too? I spent quite a lot on expensive restaurants. I’m pessimistic in general and I fail to separate the fact that although she thought we didn’t ‘click’ that maybe someone else I like will think we click. I told her on our dates she makes me nervous as I like her and I can never tell what she’s thinking. For example once she stared at her watch and I thought it meant I was boring her, she said maybe she got a text and that’s what she was looking at. Now I don’t know what to think. Edited November 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
d0nnivain Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 Yes. You need to keep your emotional & financial investments under control. Dating is expensive. Expensive restaurants can really add up. They should not be an every date occurrence. You need to save something for the 1st milestone & other special occasions. It means more then too. Plus some women find expensive restaurants stressful & off putting. They think you are trying to buy their affection &/or that the amount of money you spent entitles you to certain after dinner favors. Find some local BYO hole in the wall with nice ambiance & good food that can be your go-to early date place. Get creative: take a date to a small local museum for an early date; get drinks, not dinner; plan a picnic in a park with a table cloth over the picnic table & food you get at the grocery store if you are not the best cook.
Tamfana Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 Don't attach until at least a month and enough exposure to each other that you know more than just how your date handles conversation during dinners. And definitely don't spend money that you'd later resent having spent. In the future don't tell a date that she makes you nervous and you can't tell what she's thinking. That says you aren't connecting, don't feel comfortable with her. What's someone supposed to do with that? But also, maybe think about that fact now in retrospect. If you were nervous around her and couldn't read her, maybe she's right- you weren't connecting so it's best you each move on. 1
Author Lamron300 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 (edited) What's someone supposed to do with that? But also, maybe think about that fact now in retrospect. If you were nervous around her and couldn't read her, maybe she's right- you weren't connecting so it's best you each move on.I was nervous as I found her really attractive and we had spoken 24/7 on the phone, so I had more expectations than if we were going on a date one night after first talking. When she said we don’t click I don’t know if she means in terms of personality or physical chemistry? I never really flirted with her, as I know some women don’t take compliments well. I did tell her I think she’s beautiful yesterday and got no response to the comment, which hurt quite a bit. As I don’t usually give out compliments. But I guess I can’t expect everyone to react or act the way I would act. I’m from London and she’s just recently moved here from San Francisco, so a lot of our conversations were about the difference in cultures. Edited November 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Gaeta Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 (edited) You are making all the same mistakes we did when we started dating again. The 3 first dates are a try out. You meet someone, you recognize he's a good decent guy so you'll agree to see him 1-2-3 times just to see if something develops. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. Be glad she told you, most women would have simply blocked your number with no explanations. This woman gave it a shot and you call it leading you on, if she had rejected you after your first meeting then you would have been unhappy she didn't take the time to get to know you a little more over 2-3 dates. Damn if she gives you time, damn if she doesn't. When you make contact with a new person and you have that 1st meeting it's not a date. It's a meeting. You usually go for a coffee, a cake place, a walk in a park. Nothing more. If you pay dinner to all the women you meet on line you'll ruin yourself. If things click after that first meeting then you can go to dinner. Again keep it reasonable. No Carlton Ritz please. You will encounter a lot of rejection till you meet the right woman. Don't take it personally. Move on fast to the next lady. 3 first meetings is usually what people need to make up their mind if they want to continue dating someone. Under 3 months it's the getting-to-know phases, this is when you can change your mind about that person at anytime. You're both strangers, you'll discover things about each other you may not appreciate, or find you are not compatible enough to continue. I am sorry you were disappointed. Everyone has gone through something similar when dating. Then you meet the right person and you forget it all. . Edited November 5, 2019 by Gaeta 3 1
d0nnivain Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 I never really flirted with her, You need to flirt when out on a date. If you didn't flirt she may have concluded you weren't into her. Like most things in life dating requires balance. Both partners need reassurance. You don't want to risk getting hurt but neither does the other person. People can't read minds.
Author Lamron300 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 You need to flirt when out on a date. If you didn't flirt she may have concluded you weren't into her. That's what confuses me. As I was worried if I implied something or said something 'too flirty' she would think maybe I just wanted sex. But then I have known women to think I haven't been sexually interested in them as I haven't been flirty. On the dates, we talked like friends, but kissed at the end...maybe thats why she felt we didn't 'click. Why I am taking this hard (haven't been able to do work all day) is this year last 5 girls I've dated has gone like this. 1) Girlfriend of 1 year was secretly cheating on me with her ex bf, whilst living with me in my flat for free. 2) Met a girl I liked, she again kissed me on first date..by second date she wasn't interested at all. Basically sat in silence, then said she had fun and it was just because pub was noisy. Then blanked me when she got home and finally said she isn't interested. 3) Girl goes on 2 dates with me, then invites me to go to Sweden with her (NOT because we hit it off, just she wanted company) then precedes to ignore me after she got back from holiday. Now this girl. I can't figure out if I'm doing something wrong or this is just life?
Gaeta Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 It will not work, till it does. I was online 3,5 years before I met my current boyfriend. I had tons and tons of 1st meeting, I got several micro-relationships of 1-2 months, then a relationship of 6 months and the guy disappeared without a word after 6 months! who does that eh?&?? THEN boom!! I met my current boyfriend and we've been together 4 years and going strong. Nobody said finding someone would be easy. Expect it to be difficult. . 1 1
Tamfana Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 I was nervous as I found her really attractive and we had spoken 24/7 on the phone, so I had more expectations than if we were going on a date one night after first talking. When she said we don’t click I don’t know if she means in terms of personality or physical chemistry? I never really flirted with her, as I know some women don’t take compliments well. I did tell her I think she’s beautiful yesterday and got no response to the comment, which hurt quite a bit. As I don’t usually give out compliments. But I guess I can’t expect everyone to react or act the way I would act. I’m from London and she’s just recently moved here from San Francisco, so a lot of our conversations were about the difference in cultures. Okay. And while that's understandable, that's about what's going on inside of you and being inside your own head means you aren't connecting. Most likely you're observing and unintentionally detaching yourself to observe or process. Don't talk about differences. Find commonalities. Approach people with curiosity. If she was too attractive for you to be comfortable and interact with her at a warmer, more connected level, date less attractive women. If someone is "too" anything for you to be comfortable, you're not a match. 2
Author Lamron300 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 It will not work, till it does. Nobody said finding someone would be easy. Expect it to be difficult. . But how do you keep optimistic? I'm someone who likes to keep to myself as even a lot of friends can be fake. Girls are attracted to me and I've been on 100s of first dates, but none of them really go anywhere. If I was to date a new girl next week after this experience, how can I trust what she says? On our second date she asked me if I wanted to go to a snowboard festival ( I hate snowboarding) so the first half of the date was boring, only when we got to dinner was it better as we could actually talk.
d0nnivain Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 You get invested fast. That leads to heartbreak. You have to make the other person demonstrate why they are worthy of your time & affection. The girl you dated for a year & lived with . . . it was too soon to be cohabitating. You knew her for less then a year before you moved in. In the future, don't get so serious so fast. These other girls pay attention to actions not words. People lie but their behavior rarely does. It's all casual & somewhat meaningless for the first few months. You are auditioning them too. Be more circumspect & discriminating in your criteria. Don't just give your heart, your money or your home to some woman simply because she gave you the time of day or kissed you. 1
Gaeta Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 But how do you keep optimistic? I'm someone who likes to keep to myself as even a lot of friends can be fake. Girls are attracted to me and I've been on 100s of first dates, but none of them really go anywhere. If I was to date a new girl next week after this experience, how can I trust what she says? . When I was dating and going through 100s of dead end I stopped believing what men told me on those 1st dates. He could tell me he clicked, I was attractive, he was a serious man, he was looking for long term.....Nah! it went in 1 ear and out the other. I went on dates with them and observed without giving it any value. These people are strangers to you. They can be lying, they can be married, why build hopes in them so early? When they drop you after 1-2-3 dates then they're doing you a favor, no more time wasted and you're free to go to next. I get a vibe from you that you are tooooooooo nice! If a woman invites you snowboarding and you hate it then decline! She wants to go on a trip - Decline! She wants to take you to her mom - decline! Also kissing doesn't mean much, heck even sex doesn't mean much!. It means she finds you attractive but it doesn't mean she wants to pursue, doesn't mean she's not dating 2-3 more guys and kissing (sex) them too. . 2
Author Lamron300 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 (edited) The girl you dated for a year & lived with . . . it was too soon to be cohabitating. You knew her for less then a year before you moved in. In the future, don't get so serious so fast... Once again, thanks for your sincere advice and encouraging words. I was opposed to her moving in so soon. What happened is her mum said "you two are always together, my house is small, can she live with you? if it doesn't work I only live ten minutes away". When I hesitated her mum made me out to be the bad guy. I try not to let these experiences make me too guarded or negative or women will think I'm a bad choice. However, they are making me less trusting/optimistic. What made me super nervous with the girl that just rejected me is that the day I matched with her on online app, I asked her what she's doing the next day and she said she had a date. So I felt like I was in DIRECT competition with someone else. I never asked her how the date went and for all I know she ws dating him and me and yesterday finally made a decision. Obviously a woman is entitled to date anyone whilst you're not bf/gf, but I found it unsettling and made me paranoid and maybe needy. Would you still go on a date with a guy who has a date arranged, but it was arranged before they met you? Edited November 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
kendahke Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 She gave herself enough time to figure out that her feelings for you were not going to develop into anything and she let you know. What would you do in this situation? Leave her alone and go find someone else. She didn't owe you a relationship just because you liked her.
Author Lamron300 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 . If someone is "too" anything for you to be comfortable, you're not a match. I think what put me on edge from the start is before she knew me she already had one date booked, so I felt like I was in competition for her attention from the start. Although thats life and thats dating, it made me act out of character and be more nervy than I would've been. I also feel that on online dating if a woman is moderatley attractive she will get 10000s of matches, which again is an unsettling feeling.
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