HE loves me but doesnt want relationship, where should I go from here?

[Equave111]

I have been seeing a guy for almost a year now. Over this time we got very close and he told me he loves me, I do feel I love him too. We have a lot of fun get on well together and have been many places. In addition he has been a great support to me. We have slept together a few times and he always wanted more but I always said no as I wasn’t ready (had a bad experience with last boyfriend) and I wanted to be free for a while. During the summer I did go on a few dates with another guy which I told him about as I wanted to be honest with him. He said he was fine at the time but subsequently told me how hurt he was, I have since stopped seeing this guy. I have been giving him my time for past few months and have recently approached the subject of us entering a relationship but now he is saying he doesn’t want one and wants us to be friends, remain close, but if a situation arose regarding sleeping together that he wouldn’t stop it. I am confused and hurt, I love him and want to commit to him he is a great guy and I trust him with my life. But I don’t know where to go from here. Can anyone advise me?

[PegNosePete]

Well, he's made it pretty clear where he stands. He wants to carry on having sex but doesn't want any ties, wants to be free to date others.

 

Are you happy with that situation? I would guess not. If not then you need to tell him that you will not be his FWB and that if he doesn't want a proper relationship then it's time to say goodbye.

[stillafool]

Well it seems at first he did want a relationship with you but there wasn't enough sex going on between you considering you were seeing him over a year. At first he was probably willing to hang in there and still be patient about your issues with the sex; but after you started seeing the other guy he no longer looked at you the same way and now want to downgrade you to a FWB.

 

Have you worked out your sex issues yet?

[GraceAndJoy]

He was deeply hurt that you could see other guys during the year, after he said "I love you" and you were having a sexual relationship. He said he was okay with it at the time because of his pride. He probably hoped you would not go through with it, but you did.

 

You say you trust him, but he probably lost trust in you. He doesn't feel that your love is safe and he doesn't want to get hurt again.

 

You can accept the terms of the FWB and hope that time rebuilds trust, but it will be really hard on both of you. He will probably be looking for someone special who falls so hard for him that she can't imagine seeing any other guys. If he knows you are dating around, it will reinforce his doubt in the two of you being "the one" for each other.

 

Sorry, OP. Men want to be cherished, just like women, but they sometimes don't show it as obviously outwardly. They still want it.

[d0nnivain]

He is a commitment phobe. You will never get more from him then you have right now -- a FWB thing.

 

If you are OK with that carry on. If you want more, walk away.

[divegrl]

You cannot control someone else’s thoughts feelings and actions.

 

If he doesn’t want a relationship, then it’s pretty clear that you must stop contact with him.

 

I’m so sorry your hurting. Sending hug and love. Take care my friend.

[kendahke]

We have slept together a few times and he always wanted more but I always said no

 

That set all of the following in concrete for him.

 

he is saying he doesn’t want one and wants us to be friends, remain close, but if a situation arose regarding sleeping together that he wouldn’t stop it. I am confused and hurt, I love him and want to commit to him he is a great guy and I trust him with my life. But I don’t know where to go from here. Can anyone advise me?

 

He lost interest in that.

 

Since you didn't want a committed relationship when he first asked and you subsequently went on dates with other men, he decided that turnabout was fair play: committing to you wasn't in his best interests and instead would rather maintain a FWB/eff buddy liaison so he, too, can be free to pursue other women. That's what you were doing.

 

I don't understand why you're confused. You sent out mix messages.

 

Now that he's pulled away, you're chasing him throwing commitment at him when the question is: between turning him down and discovering these feelings, what work have you done to resolve and extinguish your past experiences with your ex, since he was the reason for doing what you did?

 

If you've done nothing to resolve those issues, it's still the reason you will use to shut him down because you still aren't ready for commitment if you've done no work on resolving your past relationship. He knows that and is taking steps not to be dragged into the undertow of that.

[Flame Aura]

If I had been seeing a woman and wanted a relationship, she said she wasn't ready but then started dating someone else, and then came back to me.. I would be telling her bye bye, he needs to do the same to you.

 

 

Nobody likes being 2nd choice and that's what you basically made him.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I agree with those who said, you had your chance with him but declined. Now he's declining you. Whether he's doing that intentionally or not, who knows but he's making it clear it doesn't want to be in an exclusive relationship with you.

 

At this point, it's about what YOU want and what you're comfortable with. Can you continue being with him and having sex whenever the mood strikes knowing there won't be anything more that comes from it?

 

If not, then perhaps you need to distance yourself from him for a while and actively date other men who ARE ready to for relationship.

 

Not much else you can do here. You only have control over yourself, not him.

[Lotsgoingon]

If you stopped seeing background guy just to please new guy, I would see why you're upset. The lesson here is don't change behavior just to please someone you're not in a committed relationship with. So this whole thing is messy.

 

The time to negotiate for what you wanted was when he asked you (or you decided) to stop seeing the background guy. Right then was the time to get clear on what you wanted and ask for it.

 

Instead you stopped with the background guy ... but didn't discuss getting more serious with new guy. You assumed ... which is a logical assumption ... but now you're feeling burnt.

[BC1980]

He waited a year for you, and you would never commit and also went on dates with other men. I reckon he got tired of it and moved on. Of course, he isn't going to give up access to no strings attached sex. That means nothing as far as commitment to you.

 

The ship has sailed on this for the time being. You told him you wanted a relationship now, but he's not interested. Don't sleep with him again if you want any chance in the future.

[Equave111]

It isnt about FWB or sex with him. We havent had sex in over a month and see each other every week. He genuinely has true feelings for me I can see that. He still talk everyday and we have made plans for the next few weeks thsi is what the confusing part is.. its not about sex for him

[ExpatInItaly]

He has lost interest, OP.

 

Feelings can indeed fade over time, particularly when they were preceded by rejection. He enjoys your company, but he no longer views you as a desirable candidate for anything more established and long-term.

[preraph]

Well, he pretty much told you he wants sex but not a real relationship that entails obligations and trying. I would move on along.

[jjbarr19]

What is there to be confused about?

 

Maybe how you should approach the situation? I guess.

 

Here’s the thing. He made it very clear that he would be open to having sex with you but wouldn’t want to commit. Word for word he said he’d rather have nothing entirely serious, and just have you as a friend.

 

What you need to realize is that, it doesn’t matter how you FEEL. As in, you shouldn’t invest time in people you feel deeply for. Invest time in people who invest time in you. Clearly you both have different needs, and you’re downplaying what you want because you don’t want to let him go. But here’s the thing, there’s nothing to hold on to. You both aren’t in anything serious. And it’s been a year now. You should no doubt move on.

[elaine567]

You missed the boat.

When he was all gung-ho for having a relationship, you didn't want it and you dated someone else.

 

Now you want him, he has friendzoned you plus minus benefits

 

People after rejection do not usually sit around waiting for YOU to pick them up again, he no longer sees you as relationship material.

He scored you off that list.

Hang around if you want but you are too late if you want something serious

You can watch him go off with the love of his life if you want, but I would not recommend it.

[Lotsgoingon]

Stop talking to him so often and so deeply. That's completely dysfunctional and self-destructive--you're only hurting yourself.

 

You want more. He doesn't want more ... Pull away ... What he tends to do is his business. So what that he wants to talk as if all is normal? So what? He's obviously confused about relationships.

 

Pull back.

[mortensorchid]

He won't commit. End of story. He could have all the wonderful things you have to offer, but he won't commit because he doesn't want to be tied down to one person. Let him go, then he can see how cold and lonely it is out there without you and then he'll really be sorry.

[BaileyB]

Yup, you definitely missed the boat.

 

I don’t blame him for deciding not to have a relationship with you - when he was interested, you chose to date other men.

 

As they say, this ship has sailed... All you have to decide is whether sex is still ok - if the situation arose, he wouldn’t turn it down... will you?

[kendahke]

It isnt about FWB or sex with him. We havent had sex in over a month and see each other every week. He genuinely has true feelings for me I can see that. He still talk everyday and we have made plans for the next few weeks thsi is what the confusing part is.. its not about sex for him

 

 

and none of that has anything to do with him deciding that you're a safe bet when it comes to commitment.

 

I always said no

I wanted to be free for a while.

I did go on a few dates with another guy which I told him about

Dude has receipts on you--that's why he's not going to give you your way. He's more than likely keeping line of communication open with you because it's easy access to sex on demand. He knows you'll fall in line.

 

By your own admission, you're not over your ex. Nothing has happened in the interim to indicate you've dealt with it with a therapist or did anything like work on resolving your issues with said ex. Dude knows this and that's why he stepped back.

 

Figure out your ex issues since that's the song you were singing until this guy decided to no longer give you an audience with regards to a relationship. This is about you now being one of a number--something you had no problem doing to him under the guise of 'being honest'.

[chillii]

lf you love him as you call it, why were you seeing other guys ?

He's obviously not interested in someone that'd do that sooo, some casual will do now until he finds someone else.

[reaThua9]

I'm so sorry you're hurting right now, I can see why it'd feel confusing. It seems like he's already made his decision though, about having a real relationship with you.

I don't know how the conversation went, but did you ask him why he changed his mind? Did you ever fully apologize about seeing the other guy and shaking his trust? Does he see you two ever having a future as a real couple?

If you really want to pursue it you could try to figure those things out. Wish you all the best here, God bless.

[Highndry]

His feelings completely changed when you started seeing another guy, and rightfully so. That's a major turn-off. The only thing that I'm surprised by is the fact he still talks to you. Most guys, myself included, would have completely disappeared.

[Equave111]

Thanks for the posts. Basically he told me he didn’t want relationship and told me to move on I was free. So I text a guy I dated before during summer and he now knows about it and told me he wants nothing to do with me ever again blocked me and told me he is now going to go on dates and sleep with other girls. Like I get he’s hurt but what am I supposed to do live like a nun? I only text a guy did not do anything else. I wanted an ego boost, he is the one I want he knows that but he rejected me. I know he’s hurt but what am I supposed to do? I technically didn’t do anything wrong and he’s the one that rejected and told me to move on. What can I do to rectify the situation

[ExpatInItaly]

How did he come to find out you'd been in touch with another guy?