Apollo99 Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 Hi! Looking for advice I dated this girl very briefly, only a few months really before I had to move cities for the time being. We had a great time while we were together but it was so short that we didn’t pursue anything LDR. But for the last 8 months or so there’s always been lots of flirting back and forth with fairly frequent texting and some phone calls as well. She knows that in a couple months I’m returning to her city for awhile (possibly permanently) and we were really excited about that. However, about 3 weeks ago she said that her ex that she dated before me has come around again and even though she “didn’t care all that much” she said he was trying again. Since then, she’s been colder but would still talk to me. But 3 days ago we were talking and I was teasing and flirting as usual when she told me to shut up. I asked what’s up and she said “I’m over these games seriously”. ??? I tried again to ask what happened bc I was confused and if something was wrong and it’s now been 3 days and she hasn’t responded. I saw on social media that she changed her photo to one of her and her ex smiling. Honestly if she decides to go back with her ex I’m actually pretty ok with that. But I don’t like leaving things in bad taste. I’m really debating just sending a message saying that I didn’t like how the last conversation ended, especially with people I care about, and that I hope we can still be friends? On the other hand, idk if I should leave things for a week or two and then send a message? Or should I just leave it completely and maybe wait and see if she texts me back? I REALLY hate burning bridges and the idea of leaving things this way btw us really bothers me. Please help ):
The Outlaw Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 To me, if an ex was always in the picture, it's best to just leave it alone. If she was cold like that, you're better off without her than with. If you send her another message, you likely won't get a response back in return, and you'll only feel worse.
MountainGirl111 Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 Ouch. She told you to "shut up".? Seriously? That wouldn't set right with me, I'm afraid. I think I'd just let this one lay in the dust and gladly walk away. She's showing you what kind of person she is. Believe her.
Author Apollo99 Posted November 4, 2019 Author Posted November 4, 2019 Thank you for the responses. If I’m being honest with myself, when she told me to “shut up” and then said she was over the games, I was pretty shocked. It was really out of character for her, she’s always teased me back and this time she flipped out. I haven’t been playing games, she knows I’ve been flirting with her this whole time. Deep down I know it’s probably best to leave it, it’s just very hard not to send a follow up text I’ve struggled with it, especially today. I didn’t really mentioned in the OP but this ex and her have kinda been off and on for awhile now. When I first left 8 months ago, they started hanging out but it must’ve fizzled and now it seems like they’re trying again. I know she had trouble dating, so maybe she’s going back because of the comfortability?
d0nnivain Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 Now that he's back she has limited use for you. There is no friendship here for you to continue. Even if you move back her BF will blow a gasket should you two keep talking or meet up.
schlumpy Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 I think she was hoping you would make a move but she couldn't keep treading water forever.
MountainGirl111 Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 Thank you for the responses. If I’m being honest with myself, when she told me to “shut up” and then said she was over the games, I was pretty shocked. It was really out of character for her, she’s always teased me back and this time she flipped out. I haven’t been playing games, she knows I’ve been flirting with her this whole time. Deep down I know it’s probably best to leave it, it’s just very hard not to send a follow up text I’ve struggled with it, especially today. I didn’t really mentioned in the OP but this ex and her have kinda been off and on for awhile now. When I first left 8 months ago, they started hanging out but it must’ve fizzled and now it seems like they’re trying again. I know she had trouble dating, so maybe she’s going back because of the comfortability? It's hard to say what she meant by "playing games". I don't have a horse in this race, but going just by what you've posted....she sounds confused as heck. She may consider prolonged flirtation/teasing as "playing games". Irregardless....she needs to speak up if she's frustrated and articulate exactly how she feels and perceives the direction of your relationship. Having the ex come in and out of the picture is an added complication. I don't know if you'll get any definite answers out of it...because she sounds confused. Has your main interaction with her been teasing/flirting or have you guys been able to have good conversations?
Author Apollo99 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 You really think the possibility of a friendship is immediately over? I agree that she’s probably focusing on the ex bf now and the way in which she reacted was pretty poorly to me flirting with her (I can’t read minds). But I also don’t think she’d shut me completely out, especially if they’re not official yet. And if the bf blows a gasket bc I talk to her, she’s got bigger problems then me I feel. schlumpy, it’s hard to make a move and start dating someone when you’re not in the same city! She had also mentioned before she wasn’t interested in a bf I’m just curious from others if I should send a little msg trying to keep the peace or not? I’d hate to think that it ended so abruptly and for such a silly reason like me flirting?
Author Apollo99 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 It's hard to say what she meant by "playing games". I don't have a horse in this race, but going just by what you've posted....she sounds confused as heck. She may consider prolonged flirtation/teasing as "playing games". Irregardless....she needs to speak up if she's frustrated and articulate exactly how she feels and perceives the direction of your relationship. Having the ex come in and out of the picture is an added complication. I don't know if you'll get any definite answers out of it...because she sounds confused. Has your main interaction with her been teasing/flirting or have you guys been able to have good conversations? Hi Mountaingirl We’ve had deep conversations as well, it hasn’t been solely flirtatious ones. And I agree, I think she’s super confused right now. And I really want her to just respond to me and tell me what’s bothering her. But she didn’t respond to my question of what’s wrong? So I’m not sure if I send a follow up to that?
MountainGirl111 Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 Hi Mountaingirl We’ve had deep conversations as well, it hasn’t been solely flirtatious ones. And I agree, I think she’s super confused right now. And I really want her to just respond to me and tell me what’s bothering her. But she didn’t respond to my question of what’s wrong? So I’m not sure if I send a follow up to that? From what I know here.....one of the biggest things "wrong" is the ex coming back into her life!! You sound very caring and this is really not fair to you at all. You know something's wrong, something's off.....maybe someone said something to her about you that led her to believe you're not that into her...people say things and other women can say catty things...but she should talk with you openly about that...instead she's pulling away...see, this is where I don't get how men are often blamed for not communicating very well and afraid to commit...they are in some cases more straight forward than the women and it's the women who play mental/emotional games.....so that leads into my next thought which is this: maybe she is the one playing games and she's PROJECTING onto you....maybe her relationship with you DOES feel like "playing games" because when a person is confused that is what it feels like....at any rate when communication just shuts down and she snaps at you to shut up...that's just not good, not good at all.
Author Apollo99 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 From what I know here.....one of the biggest things "wrong" is the ex coming back into her life!! You sound very caring and this is really not fair to you at all. You know something's wrong, something's off.....maybe someone said something to her about you that led her to believe you're not that into her...people say things and other women can say catty things...but she should talk with you openly about that...instead she's pulling away...see, this is where I don't get how men are often blamed for not communicating very well and afraid to commit...they are in some cases more straight forward than the women and it's the women who play mental/emotional games.....so that leads into my next thought which is this: maybe she is the one playing games and she's PROJECTING onto you....maybe her relationship with you DOES feel like "playing games" because when a person is confused that is what it feels like....at any rate when communication just shuts down and she snaps at you to shut up...that's just not good, not good at all. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and messaging me. I feel extremely confused as well and really lost, as there has been months of communication btw us. And now, for some strange reason, she’s ghosting me. If she would just say how she’s feeling instead of shutting me out... instead of playing games. It’s been hot and cold, with right now outright anger I don’t know if it makes any difference but I was told by her that they broke up the first time bc of distance. But at the same time, they did break up before and then became friends and now look to be trying the dating thing once again. It’s a little messy if you ask me. I do really care about her as a person. Do you think I should send one more message to her? Or do you think she’ll eventually message me at some point? Idk
MountainGirl111 Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 If she told you to shut up that’s sort of like verbal abuse and I would be turned off by that... but if it’s coming from a place of confusion then what comes out of her mouth may not make sense..: I get the feeling you won’t have peace until you try to contact her once more or at least try...: sucks not to get closure
The Outlaw Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 If she told you to shut up over a text message, trust me, she really isn't worth pursuing in any capacity. Again, it's just best to leave it alone. Trust me, I could relate to your situation a few years ago, but I found out that she just simply wasn't worth it.
Author Apollo99 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 Thank you both for your advice. It will be really hard not sending anything. My mind need closure and it’s just not there. I can only assume why she won’t talk. Lastly though, I have a feeling she liked the attention I was giving her before. Do you think that she’ll notice my lack of attention and communication moving forward? Do you think that there’s a possibility she sends a message in the future? If it was weeks later Idk if I could even respond...
MountainGirl111 Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and messaging me. I feel extremely confused as well and really lost, as there has been months of communication btw us. And now, for some strange reason, she’s ghosting me. If she would just say how she’s feeling instead of shutting me out... instead of playing games. It’s been hot and cold, with right now outright anger I don’t know if it makes any difference but I was told by her that they broke up the first time bc of distance. But at the same time, they did break up before and then became friends and now look to be trying the dating thing once again. It’s a little messy if you ask me. I do really care about her as a person. Do you think I should send one more message to her? Or do you think she’ll eventually message me at some point? Idk It's possible the 'ex' is messing with her mind....who knows...could be anything....if she does message you again...do you really want to be somewhere in the middle of her and the "ex"? I wouldn't. Grandma always said "God is not the author of confusion"....and while Grandma had her share of woes early in life and many hard knocks...starting in her fifties she just wanted peace. I don't know how you even feel about God, but I think there's a lot of truth to that saying. When we are confused....(think about this)…..it's not a good feeling...it's like a push/pull....a hot/cold....unsettling...and we just need to find a way to settle down and settle what needs to be settled. … Now, she's sort of left you hanging and that's not good...you need to get some things off your chest....stuffing your feelings is not healthy.....BTDT....got the T shirt....stopped wearing the tee shirt eventually....women just don't know how much they can put a man into a tailspin...seen it so many times....all he wants to do is please her and keep her happy and she just runs rough-shod over him....it's not right, it's just ain't right...
MountainGirl111 Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 Thank you both for your advice. It will be really hard not sending anything. My mind need closure and it’s just not there. I can only assume why she won’t talk. Lastly though, I have a feeling she liked the attention I was giving her before. Do you think that she’ll notice my lack of attention and communication moving forward? Do you think that there’s a possibility she sends a message in the future? If it was weeks later Idk if I could even respond... Maybe you should write a letter to her and you can just pour everything out in that letter...just pour it all out....don't send it....you can send it later if you want to....but for now, just write....you never know, you may turn into one heck of a writer from this....or write a song; explore music....if she was one of your confidant's that's going to be extra hard....I've always maintained that friendships last a lot longer than the physical stuff....when you finally find someone who "gets you" that's hard to get over...but, I don't think she ghosted you...she told you to "shut up" and I'd have a hard time getting past that kind of talk...and then accusing you of playing games and maybe you weren't doing that at all....so, it's not so fun to get accused of something you didn't do... In the end you may have no choice but to find a way to let it go ….it's not right for her to use you in between the ex coming in and out of her life...it's just not right....and she needs to knock that crap off.
Author Apollo99 Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 It’s funny how I actually did write down how I was feeling a few days ago. It helped me clear my head and lessen some confusion. I think we think much alike At first I thought I did something wrong, that maybe it was my fault and if I didn’t try to flirt THIS TIME everything would be ok. But then I thought to myself how ridiculous that is and, how was I supposed to expect that kind of response from her when she’s always been very warm to me! So no it has to be her and she’s clearly going through something and is probably confused with the ex back in the picture. I agree with you that I haven’t been ghosted or blocked, but I do feel that eventually she will message me, because it won’t always be perfect with the ex... 1
MountainGirl111 Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 We either think a lot alike or we've had some of the same hard knocks in life...life lessons...you know a person can actually get a lot of mileage out "confusing" times...you can become rather creative as you try to settle the confusion....it does help to have some sort of sounding board....or a healthy way to channel it....I like to be inspired... I think a person can "turn things around" even when they feel confused....It helps me to remember that I cannot change others...maaayyybeee I can influence SOME people.... but real change is ultimately up to them....thus I don't get taken for a ride too much. What comes out of another person's mouth is more a reflection on them and why THEY felt the need to say what they just said! So then, when I do not understand why someone would talk to me like that and say those things....it's really not about me....it's about THEM....and their own inner turmoil....
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