he packed his things after 3 years..i'm LOST!!

[einahpets]

I haven't been on the shack for a while, the last time was when I was having relationship issues (if you are interested check my old threads). anyways, my bf of three years just left me this past week. he hasn't stayed in our apartment for a week now, and he just packed up some of his stuff yesterday. he has now moved in with a co-worker.

 

i did everything you are not supposed to do. i sobbed on my hands and knees and begged him to stay. after all the issues we have had in the past two years, i was always the one who threatened to leave if he didn't get his act together. but i know we are meant to be, and i stuck it out even though it seemed like I was the only one trying. when i think of it now, it seems like neither of us really tried. we both just finished college, and are struggling with low paying crappy jobs. we never really focused on just us.

 

he promised a month ago that after we got from our anniversary vacation (our first real vacation together) that we would get counseling. after we got back he went to the therapist once and it seemed like it would be a good thing. well the next night he went out and didn't come home (apparently he didn't want to wake me by calling me ). i was furious and didn't really talk much after that, he slept on the couch for 2 weeks. i wanted to make things work but i wanted him to come to me, to be the one to make the effort for once. and what was the effort he made? he broke up with me.

 

i am completely unable to deal with this. a couple of the nights have been so bad i wanted to hurt myself. i have been having unbearable panic attacks again. i have an appt. to talk to a doc on friday. i have lost 10lbs already and end up throwing up everything i try to eat.

 

i am so unbearably lonely. he has been my best friend for four years. all my friends left after college and we have spent social time with his work friends (people at my work aren't the social type). being alone never really bothered me because i knew that he would be coming home at some point. now no one will ever be coming home. he is my best friend and i never thought i needed anything else. i am all alone with my thoughts.

 

just a month ago we were talking about baby names, and all of a sudden he "doesn't want a girlfriend right now". i know how things have been with us, and i understand his need for space. we are 24 and he is still in party-mode half the time. i am starting to settle down. he says he still loves me and cares about me. he says that he could see us getting back together in the future someday.

 

we still have plans to get together every wednesday to watch "Lost". he is my best friend and i want to keep it this way. and i am hoping that seeing me once in a while will keep me fresh in his mind and make him think about what we had. i promised him i wouldn't cry when we got together and we won't have to talk about the relationship.

 

i just don't know how to deal with this. i know everything i am supposed to do and i tell myself these things, but i just can't take my own advice. i am preoccupied with the thought of us getting back together one day. how do you get through the day after every plan you had made for your future is gone and you are left with no one? i don't know if i am asking for advice, but just writing this has made me feel better. knowing that others are going through the same thing helps.

[Okeydokey]

This is the saddest story I've heard. What a horrible thing to happen. It really puts my break-up into perspective. You'll get through this, but it will take a very long time. I feel for you - I really do. I can't think of any advice to give b/c I think with this sort of thing it is impossible to follow through with the logical rational stuff. You just have to do what you feel even if it breaks the rules and drives him further away. So so so Sorry.

[einahpets]

i don't want to drive him away. i want to give him enough space, but i also need him really badly. the night before he left i made a list for him of 50 things i love about him. it made me realize that i could never possibly find these things with anyone else, nor would i want to. i haven't even told anyone about it. at work everyone asks me whats wrong every 5 minutes and hug me, but still i can't say anything. i would have to admit to myself that it is really over. i just can't think of myself as a single woman. we have seen each other at least for a few minutes nearly every day for the past four years. i miss him so much.

 

and here is a horrible bonus. i owe $80,000 in student loans and unable to find a good paying job. i am barely able to afford the bills we split. he is going to help me with rent until the lease is up (march). and i am hoping by that point we can work things out. if not there is no way i can afford to live on my own. i'm going to have to get food stamps. not only am i loosing the love of my life, but i will be in financial ruin.

[johan]

I agree it's sad and it sounds very scary for you.

 

You're going to have to remind yourself of all the things you hated about him. It's not going to help you to idealize him and to keep thinking that he's so great and you're not.

 

You and he have left things so that you have plenty of reasons to stay in touch. I think this is a huge mistake. When you're watching Lost together you're going to be in pain. And keeping your finances mixed is going to keep you in pain, too. You'd be far better off to minimize contact. It would be best if you could just cut it off.

 

As far as your financial situation goes, I can only say try not to worry. This will motivate you to make some adjustments. If you have that much student loan debt then you must have a degree or two to show for it (I hope). You shouldn't have to settle for low paying jobs with all that education.

[RecordProducer]

after all the issues we have had in the past two years, i was always the one who threatened to leave if he didn't get his act together. when i think of it now, it seems like neither of us really tried. we never really focused on just us.

Sounds like you had many problems in the relationship. Sometimes it's better to break up, get over, and move on after a year or two then suffer with the same person your whole life. When my ex-husband left me (with two kids) I suffered a lot and all I wanted was to have him back. But he didn't come back. Thank god! A few years later I met the love of my life. I was unhappy with the ex, but I didn't get to realize that until a couple years after we split.

 

he broke up with me.

I feel for your pain. It hurts but you WILL get over. We've all been there. You're neither the first nor the last.

 

i am completely unable to deal with this. a couple of the nights have been so bad i wanted to hurt myself. i have been having unbearable panic attacks again. i have an appt. to talk to a doc on friday. i have lost 10lbs already and end up throwing up everything i try to eat.

Nobody is able to deal with love pain, believe me. Good that you're visiting a doctor. Why are you throwing up everything? On purpose?

 

i am so unbearably lonely. i am all alone with my thoughts.

It feels like that for a while becauase of the pain, but you'll get over. Just be strong.

 

he says that he could see us getting back together in the future someday. he still have plans to get together every wednesday to watch "Lost". i promised him i wouldn't cry when we got together and we won't have to talk about the relationship.

The clingier you are the less he will want to be with you. Just be sweet and cheerful around him if you want him back.

how do you get through the day after every plan you had made for your future is gone and you are left with no one?

You are not permanently left alone and it's not the end of the world. Time cures everything and the sooner you're determined to move on the sooner you will get over him. Look forward to have a better future, don't look back. Engage in some new activities or hobbies. Meeting new people will help you not feel so alone. BTW, your job will not last forever, you'll develop your career with time. Just have faith, hope, and goals. Feeling miserable hasn't brought any good to anyone so far.

[In Sync]

I am deeply sorry that you are going through such an difficult time. We've all been there.

As rough as this is there will be light at the end of the tunnel. Allow yourself to go through your emotions without any judgement...you have to honour yourself and vent and simply go through the pain. YOU WILL COME THROUGH IT.

You need to nurture yourself in between the grieving. Try to do little things that bring you comfort, hot bath, curl under the covers with pillows. Talk to a friend, write on this log, rent a DVD that is your favorite movie. Drink tea and eat small amounts of food. Your appetite will return. Making yourself sick is not going to get him back. This is something you can do right away. Give yourself breaks from grieving you can always go back to it after the breaks.

Next go for brief walks.

As for seeing each other for watching episodes of Lost. NO WAY. That's going to F*** you up. He's made an emotional decision that's effected you ....you can not handle seeing him on this basis. You are no way ready for this. You are too traumatized to see him now. Why would you do this to yourself? He's throwing you a bone. Which you'll regret. I say don't talk to him. You are in shock now.

Instead of watching that program, because its a pattern you two developed

get on line a start reworking your job resume, and seek out a new better paying position.

Let him do his own thing. Focusing on you is TOP PRIORITY. You had a major disappointment in your life, no one expects you to be bright eye and bushy tail, so don't beat yourself up for having cried or crying. Who hasn't here?

These breakup are tough but to become strong and self reliant is going to take effort. Small steps though.

There's no point in telling you not to think about the plans you made but try to keep in mind life happens and you have to take each day as it comes. The future is what we envision but we are made to be flexible and change. He changed his mind and you can certainly change yours...to a better plan.

[einahpets]

Thank you for all your replies. It helps to get outsiders perspectives. It has been a really hard week. But I am finally able to keep food down, and my appetite is coming back, so that’s good.

 

Of course I didn’t take everyone’s advice and he came over to watch Lost (that I taped) on Friday. He came over in the afternoon and we talked. He has been going out drinking every night and his new place seems to be good. He doesn’t seem to miss me very much and it seems like he is having a good time, like he has already moved on. He has never really been a good communicator, so I have no idea if it is an act or not. In my heart I still love him very much and just want him to be happy. But of course I also want him to be miserable and lonely with out me. I wish I knew that he was hurting too. I asked him if he still loved me, then quickly added that he didn’t have to answer that if he didn’t want to. He said he would rather not answer. I can’t understand how you could talk about children with someone, and then a month later not even love them anymore. And its not like either of us cheated, nothing to just make it switch off like that. But I was good and didn’t cry while he was there (I bawled after he left).

 

He left for a while and he came back with one of his friends after the Sox game. I cooked dinner for us. His friend is going through a break up too, so it was the first real meal any of us had in weeks. They are thinking of getting a place together. Though it was slightly uncomfortable, I had a good time and after some beer they took off. But I felt better.

 

I finally told my family yesterday. They love him to death. My mom, sister and aunt cried with me on the phone. I have taken up smoking cigars just to keep me from going back to cigarettes. Surprisingly I haven’t really drank much.

 

I picked up a journal yesterday. I think it would be a good way to get out my feelings, without feeling the need to email him. I was thinking next time I talk to him (I am leaving the ball in his court with that) I will just mention it to him. And tell him that if he ever wants to know what I am feeling or how I am doing he can read it. I have nothing to hide from him. He still has keys to the apartment, and I will probably just leave it on the table. Would this be a bad idea?

 

Thanks for the support guys, I need it!

 

...Oh yeah, and I have a Bachelors in Fine Arts, so the jobs aren't exactly forthcoming. But I am trying.

[hooghie]

Sorry you are going through this. It's horrible

 

I think he is being insensitive about it- after a 3 year relationship he says he doesn't want a girlfriend, but then comes over- even brings his friends and ALMOST acts like everything is fine. If you continue seeing him, this is going to be even more painful. I don't blame you for that though- I would probably do the same thing. It's hard to cut someone off of your life after so much time.

 

On a more positive note- you WILL get through this. You guys are so young! You are about to experience the awesome things that come with being single in your 20's. You still have so much internal growth left and you may find that the guy you end up being with is much more compatible thant this guy as who you were and who you wanted when you were 21 (and met him)- will change so much.

 

There are so many more fish in the sea! Trust me on this.

 

last thing- too bad on the sox huh

[In Sync]

I too have a BFA degree and pursuing acting so I am the classic struggling actor but it is possible to find a job in either field that pays decently so don't let the degree choice deter you from going after the kind of work you want with the pay to match. Good Luck in that area.

As for your relationship, I wasn't sure of where you guys left it. From what you wrote it seems he is moving on but doesn't want to continue as you two were, even though he freely comes over to the place you shared and you're making meals and watching programs together? I can only ask ou honestly do you think leaving yourself so open and available to him is a good idea? As much as you want to show him you love him unconditionally you are leaving yourself in a vulnerable position. You can still love someone and protect yourself as well. I don't think he'll intentionally hurt you, but right now you are in an extremely sensitive point of your life. As for leaving your journal for him to see, on the surface it seems like a way to be open and honest but it could push a guy is not a good communicator away. I could come off like you are trying to 'guilt trip' him by passive-aggrssively leaving this loaded journal around.

[legrtova]

 

 

 

i am completely unable to deal with this. a couple of the nights have been so bad i wanted to hurt myself. i have been having unbearable panic attacks again. i have an appt. to talk to a doc on friday. i have lost 10lbs already and end up throwing up everything i try to eat.

 

i am so unbearably lonely. he has been my best friend for four years. all my friends left after college and we have spent social time with his work friends (people at my work aren't the social type). being alone never really bothered me because i knew that he would be coming home at some point. now no one will ever be coming home. he is my best friend and i never thought i needed anything else. i am all alone with my thoughts.

 

 

 

 

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I promise it does get better with passing time, I was going through the same feelings, and throwing up everything I could force my self to eat. It came to the point that even when I didn't eat I would throw up, just because of all the stress and emotions.

It really does get better, day by day.

Hugs!

[einahpets]

thanks guys! i need to hear these things.

in sync- i was worried that the journal might come off that way too. and i don't want the fact that i think he might read it influence what i write. but it is good for my soul searching, maybe one day he will see it, maybe not. but i don't think i will mention it to him after all.

 

and yup, i really sucks about the sox!!!

[Stormy99]

First of all, I don't know how you claim to best friends when you are the only once trying to make the relationship work. Any relationship has a fighting chance if BOTH people are willing to put their best efforts into trying.

 

Another thing, I know it's cliche but if you wanted a real relationship with this man, why would he buy the cow if he can get the milk for free. Too many women live with a man hoping to have a future relationship while the men do it for the convenience. Tell me, who ususally ends up not getting what they want.

 

 

Lastly, you are right you did many things wrong. Getting down on your hands and knees and sobbing ? GIRL, you should only get on your knees to one entity and that is GOD. GOD isa jealous GOD and he only wants that kind of devotion to him. NO MAN ( or woman ) EVER deserves you to get on your knees. Did he even feel for you enough to try and get you up off the floor ? HE SHOULD HAVE. If he did not that says a lot right there.

 

This is one reason you are feeling so badly right now. Because you did all this and he did nothing. AT least if you had keep your self-esteem you would have that to help get you through the rest. But you have given that away too.

 

I hope I am not sounding to harsh here. It's just that I feel for you and I pray you never do this type thing again. I don't want you to hurt. One small way out of the hurt is not to make love to this man again. Do not do anything more to give away your self-respect. It is not too later to salvage that because at least you know now what NOT to do.

 

Also, if possible. Please do not buy into his "we will be together someday" routine. This is the way he is keeping the door open for him later while at the same time tying up your heart so that you can not be free. This very manipulative and evil on his part. If he were a real man he would just end it without being a coward. But you dont have time to wait until he decides to become a real man so YOU END IT NOW.

[Outcast]

why would he buy the cow if he can get the milk for free. Too many women live with a man hoping to have a future relationship while the men do it for the convenience. Tell me, who ususally ends up not getting what they want.

 

This outdated train of thought denigrates both men and women. It implies women are morons and that men only want women for one thing. I pity people that have such a jaundiced view of humanity and human relations. Not at all Christian, IMHO.

[Painwraith]

I feel for you honey, I went through a similar thing and kept in regular contact after I now regret that alot.

 

Dont let him come over, dont let him have a hold on you like this because when he finds someone new you will go through it all again. I am at the moment.

 

Next time you feel yourself going down the pit of depression go for a walk in the cool night air and look up at the stars, you are made of the same stuff as them, you are special and deserve better. by walking and looking at something bigger than your problems you will find it a bit easier to cope.

 

There are others out there, many good men and women and one will come along but if you dont let go of your ex they will never have a chance because youll always be wondering about the ex.

 

Give it up for your own good. if you need to talk (gods I do) then give me a shout via email [email protected]

 

People like us deserve better. you must for your own sanity forget him