stillafool Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 14 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said: Here is the thing I don't quite understand in that situation....even IF all someone wants in a relationship is the FWB part of it...doesn't that closeness make the intimacy that much better? I mean, if the goal is sex, shouldn't he at least want great sex? And in my mind, by putting forth the effort, by keeping in contact, by forging a closeness to the friendship....to me, I would think that would lead to better sex. And, who wouldn't want that? What guy would want to settle for meh sex? Perhaps for you the intimacy makes sex better but for a man who wants great sex that doesn't matter as much as the performance. One is either good in bed or they are not depending on their skill. I imagine if a man is seeing 3 or 4 women he is going to prefer sex with the one who is better skilled and most sexually compatible with.
2BGoodAgain Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 (edited) guys like him, b/c I can relate, interest in you is based on how you make him feel.... not the individual. b/c ultimately, it isn't about the person, but rather how that person makes him feel... so if someone comes around that makes him feel that high.. he'll dump you (politely or impolitely) and move on to the next better high.... b/c what he has built up in his head, may not match the reality of the here and now... Edited December 17, 2019 by 2BGoodAgain
preraph Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 6 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said: No, I understand that guys don't need it or care about it. But, I am talking as a means to an end. A guy may not care for candlelight, but he may do it because he knows it sets the mood/gets the juices flowing, so to speak. That would be if you're dating. When you I have already agreed to fwb, presumably your juices are already flowing or you wouldn't have agreed to it. It means you're in it just for the sex. And of course he acts like everything is alright when he's with you. everything's just fine no matter who he's with as long as he's having sex with them or about to. 1
preraph Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 And never pretend all you want is sex when you really want a boyfriend. He would be a very bad boyfriend. 1
JoeyArnold Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 1 minute ago, preraph said: And never pretend all you want is sex when you really want a boyfriend. He would be a very bad boyfriend. Exactly.
stillafool Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 11 minutes ago, preraph said: And never pretend all you want is sex when you really want a boyfriend. Thank you. I see a lot of that on this forum. Women acting like they are cool with one thing when they really want something else.
preraph Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 They think they're going to make them fall in love with them, when all the guy wants is sex with different people. He might even have a girlfriend already and just be looking for sex on the side. Women too often think they can change a guy's mind. Of course, age always comes into play too. 1
lana-banana Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 2 hours ago, stillafool said: Thank you. I see a lot of that on this forum. Women acting like they are cool with one thing when they really want something else. I blame Hollywood for this. How many TV shows and movies are there about the Cool Girl(TM) who's so Cool and Detached and Easy-Breezy that she eventually turns the local playboy into a starry-eyed family man determined to put a ring on it? Or the Sexy Cool Girl who just wants to be FWB and is too Independent and Free-Spirited for a serious relationship, which just makes the local playboy even more crazy about wanting to lock her down? This trope is all over the media but as far as I can tell this has never ever happened in real life. Yet there's this pervasive idea that if you just pretend like you don't want a relationship, and act like you're too cool for everything, you'll magically trick a man into wanting to marry you. I admit I tried it for a little bit when I was in my early 20s only to end up heartbroken and confused. From then on I told guys straight up that I was looking for something serious and didn't want to be anybody's forever girlfriend. Turns out that men aren't dumb animals that need to be tricked and they prefer when you're honest with them. Shocking, I know. 1
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted December 18, 2019 Author Posted December 18, 2019 7 hours ago, Finding my way said: The trick is that the two of you have to agree and want the same thing. It seems that's not the case for you and this guy. You're ok with being more casual, but want more regular contact than he has shown you he is willing to give. As with all relationships, whether friends, family or lovers, we either accept what the other is offering or stop investing our time and emotion. If you can be ok with just seeing where things go, then do that. Just keep your expectations in check. That's the thing...I thought we WERE on the same page. When we first started seeing each other, we had a very specific conversation about what page we were on. We seemed pretty simpatico. And amongst this conversation, we both agreed on the importance of keeping communication lines open, for better or for worse. We both have a tendency to get in our own heads and assume; so we agreed that, like I said whether good or bad, we needed to be up front about things, so there was no room for mis-understandings and mis-interpretations. We actually had a "Let's get on the same page" talk...and it still seems to not have worked. 7 hours ago, dramallama said: I think that's where getting your definition of casual is really important. Regular contact means you need to be on their mind and somewhere on a list of priorities. Sounds like he wants a pick up put down girlfriend experience- my FWB was the same except I called it girlfriend in a box that he could take out of the cupboard when he fancied knowing it would be there unchanged next time he lifted the lid. I told him he needed to maintain my interest if he wanted that which is why we started chatting on a Saturday morning every week. I think should he get back in touch and make more effort, you need a conversation about what works for you and what doesn't and make your choices from there. I love that....I mean I don't love it, but I love your explanation of girlfriend in the cupboard. It makes total sense, and it sucks. I agree a conversation needs to be had. I had hoped to put off any conversations until we were in person. But, I am not sure how much longer I can put it off....just 2 and a half more weeks. 6 hours ago, 2BGoodAgain said: Query: Is this the first time you were physical with him? No it wasn't.
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted December 18, 2019 Author Posted December 18, 2019 8 hours ago, stillafool said: I think this guy is also seeing other women. Entirely possible. I wouldn't be surprised at all. BUT...again, this is part of the "on the same page" conversation we had in the very beginning. It was very clear that it was a distinct possibility that for either one of us, someone else could enter the picture. And again...back to keeping communication lines open. These were conversations that were had. 5 hours ago, preraph said: That would be if you're dating. When you I have already agreed to fwb, presumably your juices are already flowing or you wouldn't have agreed to it. It means you're in it just for the sex. And of course he acts like everything is alright when he's with you. everything's just fine no matter who he's with as long as he's having sex with them or about to. And we are dating. There has been no agreement to FWB....I know FWB has come up over the course of this thread, but for me, that whole side of it is hypothetical, academic if you will. I know it's confusing; I guess for me...casual relationship and FWB are only a couple of degrees of separation....so both FWB and casual relationship talk have similar issues and trajectories. But any FWB discussions, from my end at least, have been mostly curiosity-based and theoretical. 4 hours ago, S2B said: Why does he do that? Honey, he makes no effort but gets sex from you when he makes the teeniest, tiniest bit of effort. and because you allow it. Stop contacting him at all! He’s proven he will use you when you beg to see him. make room fora man who takes you OUT on a date several times a week! never settle! I don't necessarily WANT to go out on a date several times a week. But, yes...effort needs to improved entirely. 3 hours ago, preraph said: And never pretend all you want is sex when you really want a boyfriend. He would be a very bad boyfriend. I was very clear with him from the beginning what I wanted. While I didn't say that I wanted a boyfriend, I also was very clear that I wasn't only in it for the sex. We discussed seeing each other at length, and I made him quite aware that I prefer/desire a certain amount of affection and contact in order to stay satisfied. Point being, I certainly never pretended that sex was "all" I wanted. 1 hour ago, lana-banana said: I blame Hollywood for this. How many TV shows and movies are there about the Cool Girl(TM) who's so Cool and Detached and Easy-Breezy that she eventually turns the local playboy into a starry-eyed family man determined to put a ring on it? Or the Sexy Cool Girl who just wants to be FWB and is too Independent and Free-Spirited for a serious relationship, which just makes the local playboy even more crazy about wanting to lock her down? This trope is all over the media but as far as I can tell this has never ever happened in real life. Yet there's this pervasive idea that if you just pretend like you don't want a relationship, and act like you're too cool for everything, you'll magically trick a man into wanting to marry you. I admit I tried it for a little bit when I was in my early 20s only to end up heartbroken and confused. From then on I told guys straight up that I was looking for something serious and didn't want to be anybody's forever girlfriend. Turns out that men aren't dumb animals that need to be tricked and they prefer when you're honest with them. Shocking, I know. Very astute observation. I blame Hollywood, and books to a degree, for a lot of things. Unrelated to this but one thing that bugs me is how it portrays this lightning bolt Hallelujah chorus moment when someone meets The One. Yeah...sometimes it happens like that, but not always. Sometimes, it is a slow burn. Sometimes, it is a friendship that blossoms into more. Sometimes you just realize out of the blue that you don't want to spend your life without the other person. But, I think we live in a generation of men who are expecting to meet their soulmate with a light shining down on her from the Lord above, with a harp playing in the background.
preraph Posted December 18, 2019 Posted December 18, 2019 Pretty sure if you told him you needed a lot of affection that to him and many men, that's just another way of saying you need sex. At any rate you don't have a boyfriend here and that does seem to be what you want. He's multi dating and not about to have an epiphany that he can't live without you. it sounds like you have been very ambiguous about what you really wanted with him and with us here on Love shack as well. But just telling a guy what you want doesn't make it so anyway. When you're not getting what you want you leave.
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 18, 2019 Posted December 18, 2019 11 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said: Very astute observation. I blame Hollywood, and books to a degree, for a lot of things. Unrelated to this but one thing that bugs me is how it portrays this lightning bolt Hallelujah chorus moment when someone meets The One. Yeah...sometimes it happens like that, but not always. Sometimes, it is a slow burn. Sometimes, it is a friendship that blossoms into more. Sometimes you just realize out of the blue that you don't want to spend your life without the other person. But, I think we live in a generation of men who are expecting to meet their soulmate with a light shining down on her from the Lord above, with a harp playing in the background. This is how women fall in love. Men really do feel it instantly or not at all. Not love that comes with comfort of knowing someone for years, but that bolt of attraction when they first see someone. Unfortunately, too many women are hoping for a slow burn when in reality a man is just using them for convenient sex while waiting for the "lightening bolt" girl to come along. 2
preraph Posted December 18, 2019 Posted December 18, 2019 I don't think most people fall in love with a slow burn. Everyone starts off pretty much with their either physically attractive enough to continue or not and then try to get to know each other if both even want that which in this case both don't. I think there are a lot of men who never really deeply love and are mostly in love with sex. Not all of them, but I see so many of those on here who are ready to leave because sex isn't going their way and many more in real life who just want variety sex and don't seem to be wanting love at all and just go through the motions to get sex. Guys who truly love their woman and family it is pretty unmistakable. They are all in , which doesn't mean that they trot around doing whatever the woman wants them to do, but it means it becomes a focal point of their life and their first responsibility, and gives the woman and children a real sense of comfort and security and protection.
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