Change in Energy...am I overthinking?

[TheBlingRing14]

You all may remember me from the "can't see each other on Fridays" thread.

 

Well, as it turns out, he had a Friday available, so we had our weekend getaway last weekend. Yes, we were intimate (please no judgement) and that part was pretty fantastic.

 

The first half of the weekend was amazing. Laughter and cuddles and good talks and just enjoying each other's company. Then something happened (I don't know what that something was...it was like a light switch was flipped) and his energy started to change. We still had a decent enough time the rest of the weekend. But, the lighthearted airiness of it wasn't quite there. We were still physical, and he would hold my hand or put his arm around me. And he even asked to go to the store or go to lunch, or just piddling around, instead of going straight home. But, there was nothing established about seeing each other again. Just... "I had a great time. Bye."

 

We have talked since then, a few times. And while I cannot point at any one single issue...all I can say is the energy is a little...meh. Not really any flirtation or sizzle or anything. I even sent him a little steamy picture and his response was pretty tepid. I do take comfort in the fact that he is still talking to me. I take comfort in the fact that he made sure I made it home okay that night. And that he has initiated conversations since then. But, there is always the chance I am being friendzoned.

 

Am I being silly? Is there anything I should be expecting or be looking for? I don't mind to give him space to decompress if he needs it. I just don't want to be an idiot about it either.

[Ruby Slippers]

Trust your intuition. It doesn't lie.

 

It doesn't sound great to me. But only you'll know what's right for you.

[winny]

no you are not overthinking. its a gut feeling. mostly he has lost interest after sex.. which is a pretty sh**ty thing to do.

[chillii]

Yeah , he is sounding a bit on auto now.

But eh, time will tell, all you can do is see how it pans out over the next week or two.

[TheBlingRing14]

Trust your intuition. It doesn't lie.

 

It doesn't sound great to me. But only you'll know what's right for you.

 

No, it doesn't sound good. But, that's the thing about the bolded part. I have a pretty spotty record on my intuition. It's usually wrong more than it's right. But, it's right some of the time, too. It makes it very difficult to know when to trust my gut and when I am getting inside my own head.

 

For example, his not being able to meet on Fridays, which I conceived in my mind, every worst case scenario possible...when it just turned out to be a gaming thing.

 

Like I said, sometimes I am right, sometimes I am wrong. Which makes it tough to know which gut instinct to trust.

 

no you are not overthinking. its a gut feeling. mostly he has lost interest after sex.. which is a pretty sh**ty thing to do.

 

Yeah, it does sound like a pretty awful thing to do. The thing that is so confusing is I cannot point to any specific moment or any specific thing that was said that was the turning point. We slept together a handful of times before that breaking point, and I never got a weird vibe from him or anything. Things continued to be very normal and easy.

 

Then, we are just being lazy and watching TV and the energy just....shifted.

 

 

Yeah , he is sounding a bit on auto now.

But eh, time will tell, all you can do is see how it pans out over the next week or two.

 

Yeah, I mean, I suppose that's all I can do. All I have right now is a "feeling," which doesn't do much. Because if I confront him about it, he could come right back at me and say that he has messaged me, we have talked, etc etc. All I have is a vague feeling about energy changing, which is a little hard to ask him about.

 

What do you mean by "on auto"? I know it means auto-pilot, but in terms of men and everything, what does it usually mean?

[stillafool]

I think it's best to slow down your emotions when it comes to these guys. Women seem deeply afraid to lose them. They can sense this energy of trying to latch on. You have to have the mindset that if it works out fine, otherwise go on about your business and dating others until YOU are asked to be exclusive; then YOU decide if that is what you want from that person, otherwise walk away. This is not the last man on this earth and women have to start remembering that to protect your heart.

[Gaeta]

This was not their first time having sex.

 

OP your refusal to address exclusivity got you there. You want to play gf/bf without knowing if he's into it so you got what you got, sex than a cold shoulder. I think you know deep down this guy doesn't want to date exclusively so you don't ask.

 

He's not fully in with you. When we officially date someone going away together is amazing and doesn't die down after 24 hours. Probably the second day your weekend felt too much like an official relationship to him.

 

 

.

[schlumpy]

You will have to settle for FWB. Good thing the sex is fantastic. You won't be wasting your time.

[stillafool]

I agree he doesn't seem like he's hot to have a 1 on 1 relationship with you or he would have brought it up on your trip away, not back off. Since you really enjoy the sex with him are you comfortable settling for a FWB set up or will you break it off?

[Mrin]

Probably one of three things:

 

1. Pump and dump: got sex. He's done. I loath men like this but if this is the case, you're better off without that loser.

 

2. He got a text from someone else: or a call. Or saw something on social media. Another woman. Can't do much about that. Better off without that guy anyhow.

 

3. Something happened with you: maybe you did something or said something that triggered him. Maybe it reminded him of an ex. Or something. If he tells you about it then you have something you can work with. I he doesn't, well not much you can do there. Better off without him.

[Calmandfocused]

Op, I believe you and get what you’re saying.

 

I know nothing of the back story here. However, my gut feeling here is that he has feelings for someone else. Is this a possible explanation op?

 

The going away with you for a weekend is a very couply thing to do. I wonder if that hit home to him him half way through the weekend and he panicked, hence his withdrawal of emotions from you.

 

Obviously I could be completely wrong but that’s my take on it

[smackie9]

You had messages, had sex, dated a bit....it's a good time is all. He's still looking. And all those Fridays? Probably some were dates.

[dramallama]

OP, how long have you been seeing this guy? Going away for a weekend is quite an intense thing to do, spending 24/7 with someone for the first time. I think as others said it perhaps hit home part way through how 'relationship-y' it was and he's maybe not ready for that yet.

[NuevoYorko]

You seem to have quite an established pattern. A common thread going through the years appears to be TOO MUCH TEXTING / other electronic communication. It creates a false intimacy that is often impossible to reconcile with the reality of people getting to know each other, figure out what kind of relationship they'll have if any, and navigate it.

 

And the overthinking, yeah, but that's probably related with the intensity of your involvement with men "virtually" being drastically out of sync with how it's playing out IRL.

 

Regardless of texting, you've put a lot of pressure on a pretty new and undefined relationship - I might say even a casual one - by 1) getting anxiety over why he's not available to spend consecutive days with you and 2) spending 3 consecutive days with a person you haven't spent very much time with already.

 

Try living your dating life in real time, not long distance, not over the internet / text, and taking things step by step next time.

[preraph]

Maybe he got cabin fever from spending too much time together. You know, some people start getting annoyed at having someone underfoot for very long. I'm one of those people.

[chillii]

No, it doesn't sound good. But, that's the thing about the bolded part. I have a pretty spotty record on my intuition. It's usually wrong more than it's right. But, it's right some of the time, too. It makes it very difficult to know when to trust my gut and when I am getting inside my own head.

 

For example, his not being able to meet on Fridays, which I conceived in my mind, every worst case scenario possible...when it just turned out to be a gaming thing.

 

Like I said, sometimes I am right, sometimes I am wrong. Which makes it tough to know which gut instinct to trust.

 

 

 

Yeah, it does sound like a pretty awful thing to do. The thing that is so confusing is I cannot point to any specific moment or any specific thing that was said that was the turning point. We slept together a handful of times before that breaking point, and I never got a weird vibe from him or anything. Things continued to be very normal and easy.

 

Then, we are just being lazy and watching TV and the energy just....shifted.

 

 

 

 

Yeah, I mean, I suppose that's all I can do. All I have right now is a "feeling," which doesn't do much. Because if I confront him about it, he could come right back at me and say that he has messaged me, we have talked, etc etc. All I have is a vague feeling about energy changing, which is a little hard to ask him about.

 

What do you mean by "on auto"? I know it means auto-pilot, but in terms of men and everything, what does it usually mean?

 

 

 

 

Sort of just going through the motions for now because maybe feelings have dwindled a bit. So if that was the case things would likely just fizzle out sooner or later between you.

But eh , hasn't been that long and that might not be it . Maybe he's just tired, or not feeling too good right now who knows.

Time will tell but if he doesn't pick up and gets even less enthused then yeah , it'd be fizzling for him.

[TheBlingRing14]

Hello everybody! Lots to catch up on, thank you so much!

 

I am going to post a general response that I hope answers some questions, and then I will answer some of the individual posts in a bit.

 

So, first and foremost. I do not expect nor need an exclusive relationship at this point. That's certainly not what I am asking for. All I expect and want is that during the time we ARE seeing each other, however brief or long it may be, that our interactions be relatively positive energy ones. Or not even positive, because hey, arguments happen. But, just that there is SOME energy involved. Not just blah conversations. Otherwise it will feel like I am nothing more than some backroom tramp that is good for one thing only (I am exaggerating but I still make my point, I hope.) I am not asking the guy to be exclusive; just make me feel good, flirt a little. That's all.

 

I won't comment on FWB other than to just say this: a crucial part of FWB is the aspect of Friends. Otherwise you are just some random hookup. In my mind, Friends with Benefits indicates, I dunno, that you are friendly with your partner. Now, maybe "friendly" means different things to different people. Maybe to him, friendly means....staying in contact and nothing more. For me, friendly requires an element of joy. So, even looking at it through a FWB lens, which I'm not saying I am, but for the sake of argument, I would still say it sort of fails on that front too.

 

Okay now onto the more specific replies...

[TheBlingRing14]

Probably one of three things:

 

1. Pump and dump: got sex. He's done. I loath men like this but if this is the case, you're better off without that loser.

 

2. He got a text from someone else: or a call. Or saw something on social media. Another woman. Can't do much about that. Better off without that guy anyhow.

 

3. Something happened with you: maybe you did something or said something that triggered him. Maybe it reminded him of an ex. Or something. If he tells you about it then you have something you can work with. I he doesn't, well not much you can do there. Better off without him.

 

 

As far as getting a text from someone else or something....it makes sense. Only because it was just so sudden when it happened. Like it feels like something specifically caused it. Like I said, a switch flipped.

 

If I said anything that triggered it, it was unknown and unintentional. In fact, I actually did my very best to keep things light and casual all weekend. If things started to get too deep, I tried to re-direct and pivot. The ONLY thing I can think of, which was said shortly before he went weird, was that I mentioned that I enjoyed his company. He returned the sentiment, and that was that. Maybe that was a trigger? I have no clue.

 

 

 

Op, I believe you and get what youÂ’re saying.

 

I know nothing of the back story here. However, my gut feeling here is that he has feelings for someone else. Is this a possible explanation op?

 

The going away with you for a weekend is a very couply thing to do. I wonder if that hit home to him him half way through the weekend and he panicked, hence his withdrawal of emotions from you.

 

Obviously I could be completely wrong but thatÂ’s my take on it

 

For sure, it's a possible explanation. At this point, anything is an explanation and makes as much sense as the next. With the way he was acting earlier in the weekend, I would hope that wasn't the case. But, I certainly don't think it's beyond the realm of possibility.

 

OP, how long have you been seeing this guy? Going away for a weekend is quite an intense thing to do, spending 24/7 with someone for the first time. I think as others said it perhaps hit home part way through how 'relationship-y' it was and he's maybe not ready for that yet.

 

About 2 and a half months.

[TheBlingRing14]

Maybe he got cabin fever from spending too much time together. You know, some people start getting annoyed at having someone underfoot for very long. I'm one of those people.

 

This is certainly a possibility. It adds some context to the theme of him not wanting to spend an entire weekend together at any one time. The funny thing is, I actually planned/expected just a one night deal, but he was able to make Friday night work, and I even asked ahead of time, "You're sure you are okay with two nights?"

 

That said, at the time things started to change, we had only been together for about 16 hours, and some of that was sleeping. (together but still...) So, if he is annoyed with having me around after 16 hours...that's not ideal. I don't think I am that annoying!

 

However, I did intentionally give us some space as well. We were poking around some of the local shops, and I kind of went off and did my own thing and let him do his own thing. I thought it would be a good idea for us to have a little bit of space while we could. As it turns out, he kind of ribbed me for "abandoning" him. So....who knows. You know what they say about the road paved with good intentions.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You seem to have quite an established pattern. A common thread going through the years appears to be TOO MUCH TEXTING / other electronic communication. It creates a false intimacy that is often impossible to reconcile with the reality of people getting to know each other, figure out what kind of relationship they'll have if any, and navigate it.

 

And the overthinking, yeah, but that's probably related with the intensity of your involvement with men "virtually" being drastically out of sync with how it's playing out IRL.

 

Regardless of texting, you've put a lot of pressure on a pretty new and undefined relationship - I might say even a casual one - by 1) getting anxiety over why he's not available to spend consecutive days with you and 2) spending 3 consecutive days with a person you haven't spent very much time with already.

 

Try living your dating life in real time, not long distance, not over the internet / text, and taking things step by step next time.

 

The only thing I want to say is that due to my location/community, this is very very difficult, if not impossible. In order for me to have any sort of selection at all, it requires broadening my search radius. And, it means turning to the good ol dating apps. Even if I were to meet someone in person, it would likely be while I was on the road, and we would still be back to a long distance thing.

[Lotsgoingon]

I wanna go back to intuition.

 

You having a strong reaction to no Friday availability--that's not "gut." That's open, logical. You know why think no Fridays won't work. That just shows your thinking was wrong. Gut is walking into a bar ... feeling an odd vibe ... strange energy from the way the patrons are looking at you ... I walked into a neighborhood bar where my friend and I were clearly not wanted. Nobody said anything hostile. It felt 20 degrees below zero.

 

Intuition in a relationship occurs when we have trouble identifying a change, though we sense, we feel, there has been a change. Decline in energy! That's HUGE! ... Always trust that feeling ... now, you don't have to throw a tantrum, but you want to accept that yes, something seems off.

 

When my intuition has picked up a decline in interest, it's almost always been right.

 

There was a great study released the other day ... that seems to demonstrate that slight, very slight, changes in facial expressions by doctors ... affect how well and fast their patients heal. Researchers are starting to try to isolate the specific expressions doctors use when they are hopeful about a patient's condition. But these researchers are convinced that patients pick up this hopeful energy.

[NuevoYorko]

The only thing I want to say is that due to my location/community, this is very very difficult, if not impossible. In order for me to have any sort of selection at all, it requires broadening my search radius. And, it means turning to the good ol dating apps. Even if I were to meet someone in person, it would likely be while I was on the road, and we would still be back to a long distance thing.

 

I have no gripe with dating apps. It's the texting until someone falls asleep etc.

 

Do what you feel you need to do, but you will be having many experiences like this one. You seem not to like it, yet not be willing to change your behavior. I'm afraid you can't have it both ways.

[preraph]

FWB means no strings casual hookups. the friends part of it is a complete misnomer. Most guys don't even want to be friends with women. When guys say they want to be friends a lot of times all they mean is they want to have hookups without having any pressure to be anything more than having sex. To them that's the kind of friendly they like, not to have to carry on a relationship and have obligations and date and make an effort.

 

What you want isn't FWB.

[Gaeta]

I have a hard time wrapping my brain around you not wanting exclusivity but you want the energy of an exclusive relationship.

 

If you're not exclusive then his attention is divided between you and 1-2-3 other women. When he goes away these other women expect communications, some of them will text to make plans, some of them will text to get his support after a bad day, etc. They also don't necessarily need to text, these other women will be on his mind even if he's miles away with you. He'll think of setting dates with them, think of a disagreement they might have had and so on. For all you know he may be on a dating site and checking his matches from time to time.

 

So, if you continue wanting to go away with a non-exclusive man, you have to expect at times his mind will be on other things, other women, than you.

.

[TheBlingRing14]

FWB means no strings casual hookups. the friends part of it is a complete misnomer. Most guys don't even want to be friends with women. When guys say they want to be friends a lot of times all they mean is they want to have hookups without having any pressure to be anything more than having sex. To them that's the kind of friendly they like, not to have to carry on a relationship and have obligations and date and make an effort.

 

What you want isn't FWB.

 

 

But...if you are not really friends with someone, then what does it matter what niceties you dress it up as? Just call them the person who bang intermittently. Or your hookup. Or whatever. It feels like putting lipstick on a pig. Why not just call a spade a spade? If you don't care about someone as a friend, just call it what it is: meaningless sex.

 

 

 

I have a hard time wrapping my brain around you not wanting exclusivity but you want the energy of an exclusive relationship.

 

If you're not exclusive then his attention is divided between you and 1-2-3 other women. When he goes away these other women expect communications, some of them will text to make plans, some of them will text to get his support after a bad day, etc. They also don't necessarily need to text, these other women will be on his mind even if he's miles away with you. He'll think of setting dates with them, think of a disagreement they might have had and so on. For all you know he may be on a dating site and checking his matches from time to time.

 

So, if you continue wanting to go away with a non-exclusive man, you have to expect at times his mind will be on other things, other women, than you.

.

 

 

Thank you so much for this, as this really resonated for me. I don't know for sure, but I would say this is probably what's going on here. I don't know, but it feels like it's a definite possibility. (Although I don't know why he would say something like, "I've always wanted to go to this place but never wanted to go alone, you should come so we can go together sometime." Why say that if he has other girls he could be going to said place with?)

 

While I believe you are likely right, I don't know why the assumption is always that a man is talking to multiple women at the same time. I personally find it hard to talk to/meet one guy at any one time, much less multiple. Good guys are difficult enough to find just one worth my time. I don't necessarily have the time or head space to talk to a handful of guys at a time. In the past, if I have been dating two or three times at the same time, it gets to be a nightmare. I forget which guy I have told what. I forget where they live. One time, I even forgot a guy's name. Even if I am not committed to a guy, it's just easier for me to limit my focus.

 

I am not saying every person out there is exactly like me. But, I have to imagine that there are at least some people, men or women, out there who feel the way that I do. That due to time restrictions or focus issues or whatever, they may not prefer to have too many irons in the fire.

 

Again...I don't know with my guy which way he leans; it would not surprise me at all if he is talking to multiple other women.

[Mac0908]

Lost interest after (maybe mediocre) sex? Either way had something to do with sex. Felt like he got his fill of it in some capacity, and that's that. Welcome to the wonderful world of the western man.