whatwhit Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 I met this new guy. We moved pretty fast and have had been dating for almost 2 months now. I have insecurity issues and tend to get jealous. I wouldn’t say I’m a possessive person but I am quite territorial. I have had a rough half of 2019. My car got broken into. My family dog passed away. I broke my foot by falling down the stairs. I was put into a situation where I was kind of forced to quit my job. And it just seems like a light isn’t anywhere near. My boyfriend is pretty great. He is super laid back I would even claim passive at times. There’s a girl that goes to our church. They’ve been friends for a while and I can’t help but to feel jealous of her because I feel like she has more qualities and common interests with him than I do. She likes soccer he does. She’s into video games I’m not. She’s very musically talented and he plays guitar. I dabble with some instruments but I’m not like that. She has a great family, I don’t have a father. We all went to a haunted house thing. She loves horror things and I don’t. He does. I did go and try but got scared and didn’t attend the rest of haunts mazes cause I was just so freaked out. And it made me feel embarrassed. I guess I get insecure because what’s special about me? I’ve talked to him about this. He of course assures that he loves me and that the heart wants what it wants and idk. It just hurts. They just added each other on Instagram which is weird since they’ve known each other 6 months. So idk the timing is weird. Has anyone else ever dealt with this? We hang out all the time. He hasn’t done anything to prove that he’s untrustworthy. But I am dealing with such a crippling feeling. And don’t know how to get past it.
schlumpy Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 I don't blame you for having the radar up and running. Got to keep track of those bogies. Two months is very short. Don't accuse him of anything or even mention your concerns. If you have no evidence you will just look foolish. But do keep your eyes wide open and listen to what is said. You don't want to be the last to know. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 I agree with @schlumpy. You're not out of line to be feeling the way you are. It sounds like they have a ton on common so it's only natural you'd feel a little threatened by it.
mortensorchid Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 If your bf says you're his gf and that's how it is, then you have nothing to worry about. He should respect the fact that you're his gf, not this other woman. If he does, great. If he doesn't? Well, that's not good. But after all, you don't know this guy too well as it's only been 2 months. Jealousy is an ugly thing, it can ruin a lot of relationships between others. Don't let that green eyed monster come between you and him (and her) when it may not exist. 2
basil67 Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 The problem with your reactions is that left unchecked, they will become a self fulfilling prophecy. In short, you worry that he will leave, so you react in a manner which could push him away....so then he leaves. I honestly think that your insecurity is a much bigger risk to the relationship than a few mutual interests he shares with a female friend. I guess I get insecure because what’s special about me? I have to start by saying that I don't think anyone is "special" but I do think we're all unique with different great traits to offer. And it's a combination of your traits and his which mash together to form a great relationship. Think about what works well for you both and embrace what you have. 3
MountainGirl111 Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 I’d recommend understanding more about your insecurities and what you can do to feel more confident.... what are you good at? What do you love to do? If you feel good about yourself it doesn’t matter what other people do or think... when you go to sleep at night and drift off it’s your self you really live with... you need to be happy with you regardless of anyone else. 1
preraph Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 Guys don't necessarily want someone just like them. Any chance you are more feminine than her? I see why you'd worry, but do you get a vibe when you're with them doing stuff like either is fixated on the other? Does he find her attractive? Is she attractive? 1
Lotsgoingon Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 It's smart to keep an eye on this other woman ... insecurity has nothing to do with that ... But ... on the insecurity ... when you are comparing yourself with her, you have left key information from your story. What are your strengths? What does your bf like about you? What do you do well? What's your humor like, your outlook on life, your goals? You have to remind yourself that you have lots of strengths ... and you gotta be really honest about this ... so that you can logically and plainly see why someone would want to be with you and not with someone else. A partner can help us see our strengths, but you don't want to be someone that the partner has to spoon-feed good info about yourself. That's reverting to baby mode, and totally relying on him to feel good about you. He should be supplemental to your own appreciation of yourself. Time to step up and be clear about what makes you an attractive partner for your bf. I assume other people like you. Why? What do you see as your best qualities. Focus there. And you might have to write this out ... or look in a mirror and speak this out ... just thinking about your strengths doesn't do much ... You got to really own them! ... Do this and keep an eye on this new girl occasionally. 3
Author whatwhit Posted November 3, 2019 Author Posted November 3, 2019 He told me she’s cute. And said he just started to be honest about stuff like that because he had a girlfriend that would ask him that about girls and when he said no she accuse him of lying. I sent him a meme and it’s message was like how unohased I am by other men when I’m in love. And it then shows Ellen DeGeneres around naked muscular men with a bored look on her face unphased. He said that’s how he is with me. He said he will acknowledge when someone is attractive but it doesn’t mean he’s interested in her.
schlumpy Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 Trust him until he proves to you that you can't. Otherwise relax and enjoy the relationship. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 I have insecurity issues and tend to get jealous. I wouldn’t say I’m a possessive person but I am quite territorial. What does it mean to be territorial but not possessive? How does that manifest itself in your relationships? I would concentrate on building up your own self-esteem rather than grilling him about this one particular girl. What are some areas of your life that you would like to improve upon, and how will you do so? When you feel better about yourself, you are not as likely to see other women as a significant threat. 1
Gaeta Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 I have a different take on it. Dating is a time to assess each other for long term. What jumped at me is not how much they have in common, but how much you don't. Can a couple really face long term with little or no common interests? I don't think so. Right now you're in your honeymoon phase and you find each other 'cute' and 'attractive' but that's not enough to sustain a relationship for the long run. I also don't like this guy saying outloud other women are 'cute'. It's inconsiderate. I assure you I am not the most beautiful woman in the world but my bf would never in a million year comment on another woman's beauty in front of me. Our insecurities can be as well alarms we should not totally ignore. Not an alarm as he's cheating, but you are realizing you and your boyfriend don't have that much in common. . 2
stillafool Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 I agree with Gaeta that you guys are in the honeymoon stage but the other girl has probably noticed how much they have in common as well. Does she have a bf or love interest? He does however seem like a decent guy who is honest and open with you. I agree that you should work on building your self esteem. Get passionate about what interests you. 1
Author whatwhit Posted November 4, 2019 Author Posted November 4, 2019 (edited) I have no idea if she has interest in him. They don’t flirt with each other. I’ve seen text messages between them and they don’t text each other very often. The only time they really hang out is when they see each other at church. We talked about it some more yesterday and he told me that I really don’t have anything to worry about. And he understands where I am coming from. He told me that theyre going to be people in this world that may have more common interest to him and how I probably have people in my life who are more similar than he is to me. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to go and date them. He was like the heart want what it wants. I told him I’m not used to having boyfriends have girls that are close friends. And he was like so this is new for you and I was like yeah, and he mentioned that they’re not even that close. Just the ppl he would consider close at church and that he really only has one close friend at church who is a guy. Yesterday I wrote out our common interests and it does turn out we have a lot. I guess I feel like she has more glamorous common interests. And I wrote all the things I have to offer and that helped me feel a little bit better. I don’t want my anxiety to be the reason of another failed relationship. But I also want to make sure that how I’m feeling is totally valid. I did spin class today. I haven’t been able to due to my ankle injury. First time back in two months. And I cried lol during class. I didn’t really how much fitness contributed to my overall happiness. Edited November 4, 2019 by whatwhit
stillafool Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 Does this girl have a bf that she brings to church?
Gaeta Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 Yesterday I wrote out our common interests and it does turn out we have a lot. I guess I feel like she has more glamorous common interests. And I wrote all the things I have to offer and that helped me feel a little bit better. Good job! This is how you work on your self-esteem. Remind yourself on regular basis. 1
MountainGirl111 Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 Keep in mind you've only been in a relationship for a few months. Early days yet. This is still a time you're getting to know each other. Your weaknesses; your strengths. My best advice is try not to compare yourself to her so much and put the focus more on yourself. What do you feel good about? If the answer is "I'm not too sure"...then you need to find ways to build your self esteem. That takes time and effort. Whenever I start to look at others and compare myself too much...this is what I try to do instead: I tell myself to perhaps admire them instead of envy them. You've said you are a territorial person. Why is that? You've said this is "crippling" for you. That's not a good sign. If you feel good about yourself, it's doesn't matter so much what other people around you are doing. I feel I can write about this because I've been where you're at before. An ex's co-workers who had the hots for him, etc. And because they worked together they had something in common I did NOT. There was no way I could change that fact. It wasn't crippling to me, it just motivated me to be the best person I could possibly be. I had to find a way to let go of my insecurity before I could embrace something better.
MountainGirl111 Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 (edited) Yesterday I wrote out our common interests and it does turn out we have a lot. I guess I feel like she has more glamorous common interests. . I highlighted the above because I think it deserves a closer look: Looking on another person's life it may SEEM like they have more glamour..., but stop and consider there is another "side" to glamour...a side we don't always see until we get to know someone better. Everyone has weaknesses and most everyone pays some sort of price to achieve what they achieve. For example, if they are fit, they have likely worked their tail off for that. If they make good money, they work for it. If they have a nice home, they've worked for that too, if they are good at music they've likely logged on many many hours to do that. People generally are good at what they put the time and energy for.... I've gotten just a small taste of fame...enough that I knew it would be a destructive path should I indeed take it. Some looking on may just think I should have taken that path and I'd have "had it made"...but they didn't see the prices that were being paid in private...did I give up "glamour"...no I didn't feel like I gave up anything...glamour is like a mirage....I guess you could say...you can't really bank on it...It could be here today and gone tomorrow...it can be fraught with pitfalls.... Edited November 4, 2019 by MountainGirl111
stillafool Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 For example, if they are fit, they have likely worked their tail off for that. If they make good money, they work for it. If they have a nice home, they've worked for that too, if they are good at music they've likely logged on many many hours to do that. People generally are good at what they put the time and energy for.... Some of this is true MG but some people are born beautiful and don't have to lift a finger and some are born with a gift especially when it comes to music. I know people who can sing beautifully without ever having a lesson, it's just a gift from God. I also know pianist who play beautifully by ear. I do agree that for material things most of us have to work hard for them.
MountainGirl111 Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 Some of this is true MG but some people are born beautiful and don't have to lift a finger and some are born with a gift especially when it comes to music. I know people who can sing beautifully without ever having a lesson, it's just a gift from God. I also know pianist who play beautifully by ear. I do agree that for material things most of us have to work hard for them. Can't disagree here....I thought maybe OP had SOME musical ability, such as being able to carry a tune and many folks can BUILD on that if they really want to... I can't tell you how many people sell themselves short....they don't think they can sing....then I hear them sing...if they can carry a tune they can learn to sing well. Now, if they are tone deaf, that's another story.. ...Yes, some are more naturally beautiful...so true...some are naturally more thin...some more voluptuous...but anyway....I think a lot of folks sell themselves short....or they get into envying others in not such a healthy way...and can even get mean and nasty to the one's they envy....when it's not the "cute" girls fault she's cute and talented....she is who she is...unless she is making a play for the new boyfriend....if she's just being herself and not making a play....then I think OP should just try to block her out as much as possible and focus on herself more...hone her own abilities.... 1
stillafool Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 The girl is most likely not making a play for him that's why I've asked the OP if she has a bf already but she won't comment back. 1
schlumpy Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 I've gotten just a small taste of fame...enough that I knew it would be a destructive path should I indeed take it. Some looking on may just think I should have taken that path and I'd have "had it made"...but they didn't see the prices that were being paid in private...did I give up "glamour"...no I didn't feel like I gave up anything...glamour is like a mirage....I guess you could say...you can't really bank on it...It could be here today and gone tomorrow...it can be fraught with pitfalls.... Reminds of a song by Phil Ochs - "Chords of Fame." "They'll rob you of your innocence and put you up for sale The more that you will find success The more you will fail" Pretty easy song to learn if you are inclined. 1
MountainGirl111 Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 The girl is most likely not making a play for him that's why I've asked the OP if she has a bf already but she won't comment back. I agree... that is likely so...she probably isn’t making a play at all
Author whatwhit Posted November 4, 2019 Author Posted November 4, 2019 To my knowledge she doesn’t have a boyfriend. I haven’t seen her ever when we go to church on Sundays but as far as Weds. she doesn’t bring anyone
MountainGirl111 Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 Have you and your new guy talked about whether or not you want to be exclusive? Is the cute girl at church interfering with the relationship with your new guy? Or does she just happen to be there like a thorn in you side? I don't know, I kind of go back and forth on this type of thing. If you confront him, would you be prepared for how he answers and how do you know whether or not he will just tell you what you want to hear to keep you happy for the time being and avoid further discussions on the matter. On the other hand, if you just stuff your feelings it can be very unhealthy. I wouldn't say anything snide or catty to the cute girl as she may not even be aware of how you feel and it might look like you are coming at her for no good reason. No one should have to feel like they have to compete for the love's devotion. If you feel your new boyfriend is devoted to you and he hasn't done anything with the new girl besides group activities, then just be reassured I guess. However, now they've added each other to instagram.....hmmmm.....these days that can add a complication....it increases the chances of those two getting to know one another via a different means....and if she's cute...well...not sure what to tell you on that....hang in there, I guess....and just work on being the best person and best Christian you can be....I'm assuming you're a Christian cuz you and the cutie go to the same church... just try to be Charitable no matter what and then in the spiritual sense you have gained a victory.
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