Author OatsAndHall Posted November 30, 2019 Author Posted November 30, 2019 As I said previously...someone her age with no life plan is quite concerning. She seems to exude aloofness. You did the right thing to break this off...no question. I do think she has started to establish a "life plan" but that plan isn't static or lucrative. She loves being an EMT and a soon-to-be paramedic because it's challenging work that gives her a rush. Which is right in line with he personality; she NEEDS that kind of stimulation to be happy. However, the paramedic field isn't all that lucrative, even if she were to do contracting work. It's relatively low-paying work with erratic hours and no room for vertical growth.
preraph Posted November 30, 2019 Posted November 30, 2019 I would have been putting my career and ambitions on a much different path for a woman who may never know exactly what she wants out of life. I agree. I mean, she has one goal, her career goal, but it might be more navigable if she had a total plan, like first I get my education and then I'm going to move to Arizona and work. But no, she's left all that open, and it's clear from her history and constant movement that she's more likely to live the life of a nomad and that getting her education is a means to this end because she figures with the right career, she can just get a job anywhere, but people do look at longevity, both employers and romantic partners, so....her plan is too loosey goosey.
kendahke Posted November 30, 2019 Posted November 30, 2019 I just called it off. Best move you could have made. She's single and wants to live that single life, so now she can.
Author OatsAndHall Posted November 30, 2019 Author Posted November 30, 2019 I agree. I mean, she has one goal, her career goal, but it might be more navigable if she had a total plan, like first I get my education and then I'm going to move to Arizona and work. But no, she's left all that open, and it's clear from her history and constant movement that she's more likely to live the life of a nomad and that getting her education is a means to this end because she figures with the right career, she can just get a job anywhere, but people do look at longevity, both employers and romantic partners, so....her plan is too loosey goosey. That is exactly what I said when she brought up her moving out of the area. I told her that I had no idea what she was actually planning on doing because SHE didn't know. In the space of two months, she threw out over a half dozen different plans. I told her I would be much more at ease if she'd just make up her mind. "I'm going to finish this program and then move to ____." Or, "I'm going to finish this program and continue on in the area for another year to become an RN." We're not talking two-four years down the road here; we're talking less than ten months. I work school year to school year. If I'm hunting for a job in a certain area, I need to start doing it in three-four months. I can't wait a year from now and see where she decides she wants to end up.
Highndry Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 In the end, she just wasn't that into you. A woman who was would have texted you immediately after getting off the plane, wanting to see you. A woman who doesn't contact you for a week and then meets her friend first thing to get drunk? Let me guess - it was a male friend....You can do way better than this failure to launch.
Author OatsAndHall Posted December 1, 2019 Author Posted December 1, 2019 In the end, she just wasn't that into you. A woman who was would have texted you immediately after getting off the plane, wanting to see you. A woman who doesn't contact you for a week and then meets her friend first thing to get drunk? Let me guess - it was a male friend....You can do way better than this failure to launch. No, she was out with a female friend that I've met on multiple occasions. I wouldn't have continued to date this woman if she had a "guy friend(s)". The lapses in communication coupled with having male friend(s) would've had my hackles way up and I would've called it off a long time ago. In those lapses of communication, I would've been wondering if she was hanging out with those "guy friends" and getting frustrated. You might be right her not being into me. However, she did mention several times that she was spooked by our relationship as we grew pretty close quickly. Given her personality, I think she actively compartmentalized the relationship and put it on the back burner when other things in her life "took priority". With that being said, I think she was intentionally handled it in a manner to make a firm statement about where I fell on her list of priorities. She would apologize for the lapses in communication and follow it with "but, ____, ____, and ____ are going on." And, she's a bit of a control-freak; not responding to texts always left the ball in her court which is exactly where she likes it. All and all, it doesn't really matter. I s'pose I am ruminating a bit too much over this one. Unfortunately, I do find myself missing her as we did generally have a lovely time together. Before the crap started flying, I felt like this might be the start of a quality relationship. And, that's not an easy place for me to get to as I'm good at cutting ties when I'm not comfortable. But, I s'pose this is something that I had better get used to. I am attracted to strong-willed, independent women. And, at my age (39), that strong-will and independence comes with it's own set of problems.
Artdeco Posted December 1, 2019 Posted December 1, 2019 Exactly. That’s probably the crux of the matter. If you want strong-willed and independent, you can’t really complain about her frequent trips and career plans and whatnot. It’s her life, after all. And she told you who she was. She didn’t even try to pretend to be somebody different. I commend her for that. But I get it: what you don’t want is someone flakey, and I think her doing what she wants to do at all times was interpreted by you as flakiness. You also want somebody with a solid career, and a certain income. In that regard, she was certainly not a match. You also want somebody who makes you a priority. Early on. Right away. In that regard she was not a match, either, I suppose. I wouldn’t flame her for who she is, though. That’s not fair. Also, I think any career choice and change is exclusively her decision and should be made at her own discretion. As long as she doesn’t borrow money from you, why complain about that? And maybe things could’ve developed, if you had let loose a little bit more. Reading this thread, I don’t see her as the controlling party in the relationship. I get the impression that you want to have something/somebody wild in your life, and change/tame them into somebody more domestic. She is who she is, and it does sound to me like she really did like you.
Author OatsAndHall Posted December 1, 2019 Author Posted December 1, 2019 Exactly. That’s probably the crux of the matter. If you want strong-willed and independent, you can’t really complain about her frequent trips and career plans and whatnot. It’s her life, after all. And she told you who she was. She didn’t even try to pretend to be somebody different. I commend her for that. But I get it: what you don’t want is someone flakey, and I think her doing what she wants to do at all times was interpreted by you as flakiness. You also want somebody with a solid career, and a certain income. In that regard, she was certainly not a match. You also want somebody who makes you a priority. Early on. Right away. In that regard she was not a match, either, I suppose. I wouldn’t flame her for who she is, though. That’s not fair. Also, I think any career choice and change is exclusively her decision and should be made at her own discretion. As long as she doesn’t borrow money from you, why complain about that? And maybe things could’ve developed, if you had let loose a little bit more. Reading this thread, I don’t see her as the controlling party in the relationship. I get the impression that you want to have something/somebody wild in your life, and change/tame them into somebody more domestic. She is who she is, and it does sound to me like she really did like you. Someone can have life plans and be independent while still being reasonably courteous. I always understood the stresses of her schooling and the situation with her sick friend and I didn't impose myself on her. I've reiterated several times over this thread that I didn't expect to be a priority over many things in her life. I didn't bombard her with texts or phone calls, demanding her attention; I left her be. With that being said, I don't imagine anyone would have taken kindly to being told their SO would text them after flying across the country, not have that transpire and then find out that they went out drinking with their friends instead. And, I also know people wouldn't have been happy when they stated this upset them and had it turned back around on them in a ludicrous manner. She was gaslighting, plain and simple. And, no, I don't want anyone to suddenly become "domesticated" for me. Quite the opposite; that mentality drives me nuts. Someone can be independent and still understand that becoming involved with someone comes with a basic level of courtesy. I didn't care that she was out drinking with her friends; I cared that she couldn't be bothered to follow through and send me a short text when she got into town. All and all, I asked very little of this woman. When I established a simple boundary (i.e. contact me when you say you're going to) it became quite obvious that this was not going to be a "relationship" should we continue to go on. It was going to be me following her to wherever she decided to go (and she was continually on the move).. It was going to be me being okay with her taking contracting work for months on end and not hearing from her. I hope she finds someone that is okay with that kind of relationship dynamic but I'm certainly not. Because that really isn't even a relationship; that is one person doing what they want, when they want and expecting their SO to around. If that is what someone wants from a relationship, they're better off getting a fish.
CLS63AMG Posted December 2, 2019 Posted December 2, 2019 The week of silence and the getting wasted with a friend after the plane landed means she moved on after she realized you weren't about to enter her tornado of BS. I don't know where you met her, but if it was a dating app or site she was likely right back on there the minute you brought this stuff up. And it'll happen again with the next guy, and the guy after that, and it'll be like that forever. She's 45, just getting a career started and totally scatterbrained.
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