Unsettling Conversation

[rightondude]

yeah I've changed my mind, if you're that open and honest with one another, this could (and would be the only way it would) work. That bodes well. Good luck brother!

[kendahke]

but that she's not going to change.

What's the point in dealing with someone who knows they've got something they need to work on but refuse to do anything about rectifying it--and you have to be the one who has to do all of the heavy lifting?

 

When I hear people say this mess, it reminds me of two people being in a sinking boat--and one person is bailing the water to keep from sinking while the other is complaining that they're getting wet.

[MountainGirl111]

I wouldn't get my hopes up either, OP. Actions speak louder than words. If she takes a job that will make it so you don't really see one another, I'd take that as a signal she doesn't want to spend much time with me. Some LDR's do work out. But if you want to spend time with her and that's not going to happen it doesn't look good.

[chillii]

I think she feels something different with, feels comfortable opening up, and wants to share her fears with you - so you can understand her behavior and you can support her.

 

I think you should keep going.

 

 

 

 

oops , cancel

Edited November 4, 2019 by chillii

[preraph]

Best of luck with it, Oats. It's nice you are able to really communicate together.

[OatsAndHall]

We've had a few wonderful days together since my last post and but I am keeping my eyes open and I'm seeing some things emerge that may result in my calling it off.

 

 

-She made mention of her last serious relationship and it threw up some red-flags. She was engaged to a guy, planning a wedding and he was unfaithful to her. This is obviously unacceptable behavior but she did let it slip that a)she moved to a different state (with the intention of him following) to "start building a life" and b) that he didn't feel that she was making the engagement a priority. That statement, coupled with her mentioning the overseas contracting show a behavior pattern.

 

 

 

-She's not difficult to read and I can see that her failed engagement and his infidelity are baggage she is still carrying. I imagine it's a large part of her commitment-phobia and it's also resulted in some self-esteem issues when it comes to relationships. She's made some other off-comments that are indicative of her having a lack of self-confidence in relationships.

 

 

 

 

All and all, I believe her behavior points to someone who wants a relationship but has never made the relationship a priority. I certainly don't expect her to put me ahead of her schooling but I also see this pattern continuing in the long term, if we stay together.

 

 

 

A big part of me is getting a bad vibe and wants to pull the plug. But, she does have another serious situation going on her life right now. She has a close friend that is dying across the country. She was kept in the dark with regards to the seriousness of this person's illness and it is hitting her hard. She will be going out to see them for a week as she's in hospice and doesn't have much longer.

 

 

As such, I am being as supportive as I can right now and not making any waves. She has a lot on her plate between school and this situation and I'm not going to make anything harder on her. But, we shall see what transpires once this all dies down.

[preraph]

Tough situation. Yes, you can see a pattern. She is looking for a relationship that won't tie her down from traveling and relocating, and yes, maybe that is her priority. In order for her to find someone who would just follow her wherever she goes (I wonder if she would even like that.) that would have to be someone with few ties to where he lives, self-employed who could work from anywhere, and doesn't care about stability....

 

Is her job so exciting that she just wants to go as far as she can by moving, or what?

[FMW]

As far as what you've described about her, I can see some of them as issues, but some I don't think are anything out of the ordinary. My experience is that people (including me) aren't single/single again after a certain age without having some baggage and trust or commitment issues.

 

But since you find so many things concerning, incompatible with what you are seeking, and seem to have ending things at the top of your mind, that's probably a really good indication it's not going to work out. Don't ignore your instincts. I don't think things should be so so close to the line all the time as this relationship seems to be. It doesn't bode well for the future.

 

It's nice of you to be available while she's dealing with her friend's impending death. But at some point soon it seems it would be best to end things with her.

[Art.at.Heart]

Now, I was blunt; "You're saying that you get bored in relationships but you're also asking me if I would be alright with you being gone for six months at a time? I'm pretty sure you're not the one who's going to be bored, halfway around the world.." She then let loose a diatribe about how she struggles with commitment, that she has walls built up, she knows that it's not healthy but that she's not going to change. I listened, attentively, and appreciated the honesty but this is all quite contrary to what we've talked about taking this slow and just enjoying the company.

 

Personally, that part right there would have done it for me. You're at the point where you need to decide what you want from this relationship. If it is something serious and long term, you need to proceed with this red flag at the forefront of your brain.

[OatsAndHall]

Tough situation. Yes, you can see a pattern. She is looking for a relationship that won't tie her down from traveling and relocating, and yes, maybe that is her priority. In order for her to find someone who would just follow her wherever she goes (I wonder if she would even like that.) that would have to be someone with few ties to where he lives, self-employed who could work from anywhere, and doesn't care about stability....

 

Is her job so exciting that she just wants to go as far as she can by moving, or what?

 

 

To be honest, I really don't know what she's thinking at this point. She's going through paramedic school right now. She had talked about potentially becoming a PA down the road but a few months of this school seems to have changed her thought process on that. She's talking more about parlaying her paramedic training into becoming a nurse which is much more feasible given that it's only one more year of school.

 

 

 

The real only motivation to move around with a paramedic career is the money; you make more of it by doing traveling contracting work. I could see the appeal of having a career that allows one to see the world and make money at the same time. However, I'm not built to be with someone who is going to disappear overseas for 6 months.

 

 

 

All and all, deep down, I think it's a Catch-22 for her. She wants someone to share her life with but a relationship will probably never be her priority. I don't respect her ex-fiancee for screwing around on her but, after only a few weeks, I can certainly see how he felt like she wasn't making the relationship a priority. She stated that she learned from that experience but her comments and actions tend to say otherwise.

 

 

 

We shall see. Like I said, I'm not going to rock the boat with everything that she has going on right now. I'll sit it out for a few weeks and see what transpires. Her communication has gotten erratic over the last couple of weeks and I've just mirrored it and taken a step back.

[Tamfana]

We shall see. Like I said, I'm not going to rock the boat with everything that she has going on right now. I'll sit it out for a few weeks and see what transpires. Her communication has gotten erratic over the last couple of weeks and I've just mirrored it and taken a step back.

 

Are you two having sex?

[OatsAndHall]

Are you two having sex?

 

 

Yes, we are.

[Tamfana]

Yes, we are.

 

Okay. That's what I was assuming.

[SumGuy]

....

All and all, deep down, I think it's a Catch-22 for her. She wants someone to share her life with but a relationship will probably never be her priority. I don't respect her ex-fiancee for screwing around on her but, after only a few weeks, I can certainly see how he felt like she wasn't making the relationship a priority. She stated that she learned from that experience but her comments and actions tend to say otherwise.

Some tough love here OandH as I generally like your views.

There is certainly a Catch-22 for her, or more of a double standard. Would you cripple your career and earning potential at this stage in the relationship for her? I think if the genders were reversed there would be no question the guy getting out of school should build his career, and he be bemoaning how his GF was not supporting him.

I assume you are not offering to support her through life so she should pursue her career as best she can. Heck you are close to throwing in the towel anyway and all she is doing is living her life and expressing sentiments similar to your own on relationships. I wouldn’t get wrapped around the axel of walls and baggage, we all have it, it all affects us, the question is do we see it and how much it messes our lives up.

Her blunt honesty sounds like it is something you respect.

It also sounds like she is perfect for you but for hesitation and travel. The one for us doesn’t come in a neat package, life stuff like career can get in the way.

At least for this first overseas stint can you think of the positives? Like how cool it will be to visit, have a place to stay, and someone who can show you around then jump your bones at night.

Just saying think how if you changed you perception the good times you had before could keep rolling

[elaine567]

You have found the "perfect" woman for you, but only if she changes.

You want to stifle her, you want her to stick around for you and give up on her career, before it has even got started.

As a nurse she will also be able to make big bucks doing agency work.

IF you manage to "persuade" her to stay home, she, I guess end up resenting you.

Her classmates will be out there getting on with their career making money and she will not like it one bit.

[Lotsgoingon]

Your alarms and sounding ... and they're loud and clear ...

 

And what's clear to me ... is that you are NOT going out of your way to sound those alarms ... you're hearing them and still thinking and considering ...

 

So I don't think you're at all rushing to judgment. And yet you're still hearing those alarms of emotional trouble. Just stay honest about what you're feeling and you'll be fine.

[LivingWaterPlease]

From what you've written it seems to me your gf is insecure and doesn't know what she wants out of life.

 

In the very first convo you described with her at the beginning of this thread I believe you said the two of you were drinking, if I recall? So she was relaxed and more transparent than usual.

 

The very first thing that came out of that openness was not how she wanted to travel for six months. What came out of it was her trying to talk about the state of your R, which seems to me to be an attempt to find out how serious about her you are, and possibly to get you to express some type of commitment to her.

 

Instead, you told her you're content to take things, month-to-month or something like that. It seems to me that was less of a commitment than she wanted from you and her insecurities kicked in so that she pushed back by saying she might get bored with you, wanted to travel six months out of the year, has walls up, etc.

 

I believe she felt she'd made herself vulnerable to you and you hadn't taken the bait which triggered her. And I believe that's why she talked about having walls. To me, it seems she threw up walls right then and there because she had a sense of being rejected by you during the conversation.

 

Then the next time you talked she was all over herself trying to smooth things over and make like she's a safe choice to be with.

 

To me, she's operating from a vantage point of self preservation, rather than from a comfortable position of being secure in who she is and able to step back and see the whole picture. I think she's afraid. So much so that she's willing to switch around her talking points in order to keep the R with you alive.

 

What you're telling me about her ex cheating on her and that you're seeing insecurities in her seems to me to align with this idea.

 

This is a wounded, insecure woman, it seems. Not saying she's not worth dating. Just that she has a lot of healing from her past relationship to do. I also think she doesn't have a lot of insight into herself.

 

She needs healing before she's ready to settle into a healthy relationship, IMO. Of course, you're there with her and have so much other information to go on. Keep in mind this comment is just based on a few posts from you about her.

[preraph]

I mean, I can certainly see someone seeking a career that did allow them to see the world, but it does seem like she would have just popped out with that way long time ago if that is her life plan. I mean, nothing wrong with saying, I'm becoming a paramedic and then I can get a job anywhere, so I can travel.

 

 

Seems like if that was the goal, she'd have said it.

 

A few years ago I knew someone with a lot of education who was working as a server at a restaurant because it allowed her to take off for weeks and go world-traveling and then come back. She had a great life, very adventuresome. Really cool person.

 

And then she fell in love with a cook at the restaurant and married him and had twins and that was it for the traveling dream. I haven't seen her since she left, so I don't know how she's handling the confinement.... (she and him are both giants and these babies came out looking like sumo wrestlers) but she seemed happy to settle down with him, though I imagine she thought at some point they could travel together.

 

I think you're going to have to talk to her and see if you can get some straight answers out of her. Some women, myself included, will and did put something ahead of a relationship. My first priority when young was my career for as long as that was going (20 yrs). But there aren't many out there as extreme as me, I don't think. And there did come a time when I at least wanted to be home more, get a dog, and have a real house and not go out at night as often. I was nearly 40 by then.

[spiderowl]

Maybe she wanted to get a sense of how committed you were. She wanted to know how you would feel if she took off for a while.

 

In general, I got the feeling while reading through your post that you were being fuzzy with her, taking it how it comes. That's honest, nothing wrong with that, but if she is getting attached, is that what she would want to hear?

 

Saying 'month by month' is pretty much a way of saying, this state of non-committalness could go on a long time. Is that what you intended to communicate to her? I can well understand you wanting to protect yourself and not invest too much in case it does not work out.

 

It is hard to know what she was asking here. It does sound like she was trying to get a feel for how attached you were - why, I don't know. If she does not want you to get attached, then being so could drive her away. If she does want you to get attached, then talking about month by month could drive her away.

 

I can understand you not feeling comfortable with this conversation. It didn't really help either of you. If the subject comes up again, perhaps you could ask her why she is sounding you out about it.

 

Saying that you might not continue to date her if she went away for six months might be the truth and might show that you are looking for a meaningful relationship, but it could also mean that you can't be bothered sticking with her through thick and thin.

[Redhead14]

She told you she struggles with commitment and she has been seriously pursuing career and lifestyle options that pretty much exclude having a committed relationship.

 

When someone tells and shows you who they are, you should believe them.

[ChatroomHero]

I think it's been said pretty well by OP and other posters...She wants a relationship but does not want to commit. She basically wants it when she is lonely and then the next day doesn't want to be attached.

 

Her comments that put you off were meant to 1) push you away to keep you at arm's length and 2) kind of wear it on her sleeve that she was pushing you away and in a sense warn you. That way when it crumbles she won't feel so bad about hurting you because, well, she told you she has commitment issues.

 

The closer you two get, at times, the harder she'll have to push you back. I have a feeling that when her ex that cheated, he probably wasn't really all that much to blame. I bet he (and she) knew it was done well before she moved and he cheated on her. It sounds like she may have abandoned him and I am sure for him it was over a long time so at one point he moved on, though maybe didn't vocally declare it.

 

Based on what she has told you about commitment, just imagine her ex being engaged to her and saying something 2 days before Christmas like, "Hey should we go to my parent's house for Christmas first or yours?" and her responding something like, "Oh, I thought I told you I'm going to spend Christmas with my old friend from college Frank's house and then go to my parents house probably later in the week"...him sitting there astounding saying ummm, we're engaged?! That's not how it works!

 

When things like that happen over time it gets too much to even deal with. It sounds like this is the path you would be going down. I went through it once and it was torture. Like one minute we were engaged and the next I was the last person she wanted to consider. I'm not saying she would never commit or will always push you away but dating someone and waiting for the other shoe to drop isn't all that fun. You know you could have the best night ever with her and go to sleep completely happy and then wake up to a text from her saying she had fun but is just decided to move to Japan for a year.

[Tamfana]

Maybe she wanted to get a sense of how committed you were. She wanted to know how you would feel if she took off for a while.

 

My thoughts were similar to this with a little twist. I thought she may have wanted to get a sense of whether OP also has the international/expat mindset or would be open to it. He doesn’t have it and isn’t open to it. Time for both of them to recalculate and decide whether their desired lifestyles match up. They don’t. C’est la vie. But I see no "red flags," no dangers, just very different aspirations for their lives.

[elaine567]

Does she have commitment "issues" or is she just at a stage in her life that she cannot commit to anyone/anything, due to her life being so "up in the air" for the next few years?

[Redhead14]

Does she have commitment "issues" or is she just at a stage in her life that she cannot commit to anyone/anything, due to her life being so "up in the air" for the next few years?

 

 

She made a general statement -- she's not good with commitment -- not that she's not good with commitment right now.

 

I'd say she can commit to things -- she's been pretty committed to educating herself and preparing for a lifestyle that keeps her moving. Right, now she's probably got "sailor mentality" -- the OP would be the guy in this port.

[Ruby Slippers]

All and all, I believe her behavior points to someone who wants a relationship but has never made the relationship a priority. I certainly don't expect her to put me ahead of her schooling but I also see this pattern continuing in the long term, if we stay together.

This is my take as well. She's putting school and career ahead of a relationship/marriage/family.

 

She'll probably continue to do this until she reaches the point when/if she's ready to settle down and adjust her priorities.

 

How old are you both, and what are your primary life goals right now? I get the sense she's in her "me stage" and this will go on for a while, possibly years.