OatsAndHall Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 I have been seeing a woman for about eight weeks now. We only met once during the first month of our relationship as we were both incredibly busy. We live an hour apart and were both putting in 60+ hour weeks so we ended up chatting quite a bit over the phone (like 20+ hours). This wasn't ideal but it the conversations were fun and we broke the ice well. Things have slowed down for the both of us so we've been seeing a lot of one another and I was exceptionally optimistic about the relationship; she's just as cynical and sarcastic as I am. She's exceptionally intelligent as well which I find extremely attractive. In fact, I was having to catch myself as I was getting more attached to this woman than most others I have dated. Last night changed things for me. She got done with school too late to go out so she called me. during the space of the conversation, she mentioned some things that have my hackles up. And, she's as blunt and honest as I am (which I respect) so I'm not reading into anything. 1. She has over a year left in her schooling. But, when she's done, she'll have the ability to do some lucrative overseas contracting work. Last night, she asked me if I would be upset if she took a six month round of contracting overseas when she was done with her schooling. It's still quite early in our relationship so I told her that I didn't want to put the cart before the horse; just keep getting to know one another and enjoy each other's company. She kind of pushed it a little bit and I stated that, if we were still together at that point, I didn't know that I would continue to date her if she was going to leave for six months. She backtracked, stated that was the longest term contract and just wanted to know how I felt. 2. We were talking about the "State Of The Union" (she started that conversation..) and I stated that I was quite happy with our relationship up to this point. I also said that I just wanted to continue to take things date by date, week by week and, potentially, month by month. Her response; "Month by month? We'll have to see if I get bored with you or not." Now, she has a dry, sarcastic sense of humor and I thought she was kidding, initially but she wasn't. She said that she's gotten bored with men in the past and that's been the end of the relationships. Now, I was blunt; "You're saying that you get bored in relationships but you're also asking me if I would be alright with you being gone for six months at a time? I'm pretty sure you're not the one who's going to be bored, halfway around the world.." She then let loose a diatribe about how she struggles with commitment, that she has walls built up, she knows that it's not healthy but that she's not going to change. I listened, attentively, and appreciated the honesty but this is all quite contrary to what we've talked about taking this slow and just enjoying the company. We have a fun day planned together but last night's conversation is sitting on my mind. Very little felt right about that conversation and I'm not terribly thrilled with her right now. I don't know if she was being honest, pushing some boundaries, or both. But, either way, I don't like it.
Gaeta Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 All of this would make me thank her for the good time and wish her luck for all her endeavor. She's going away, she gets bored in relationships, she has commitment issues, there is nothing for you long term in this. 2
rightondude Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 yeah...I think I'd just "continue to enjoy the company" and not get too invested in this one. 2
Author OatsAndHall Posted November 3, 2019 Author Posted November 3, 2019 She just called to clarify our plans for the day. I let told her we needed to discuss last night's conversation before we moved forward. It was a blunt discussion but a productive one. I told her that I didn't appreciate her comment about "getting bored with me" and that, although the relationship is new, it couldn't continue if she already has a foot out the door. I fully expected that to be the end of things but it didn't. She stated, again, that she struggles with relationships and commitment, and that she is having a difficult time with us because she does feel a strong connection. She apologized for her statement about "getting bored" and said that she shot herself in the foot with the talk about going overseas for six months. She stated that jumped the gun with the comment and that she would like to continue to move forward slowly and see where things go. I'm willing to give this a cautious run as this is conversation was open, honest, and candid. I'm exceptionally straightforward (not rude...) when I need to discuss something like this and it generally turns into an argument that I won't have. So, we shall see. I've been quite quick to pull the trigger on relationships in the past. Maybe I should in this situation but I will continue to see how it goes. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 She then let loose a diatribe about how she struggles with commitment, that she has walls built up, she knows that it's not healthy but that she's not going to change. Smart to get your hackles up over this. Fortunately (and unfortunately) you got some key information out of her ... information that she may had hid til now. The whole commitment thing and saying she has walls built up ... and that she is not going to change ... yeah ... no part of that is good. The diatribe = red flag sign of anger. It's one thing to explain to someone, to get more vulnerable, about our weak spots ... But this is something else. The diatribe says she's not comfortable with her own anger. The good news is that you have been taking things slow, you got key information from her and you allowed yourself to react appropriately to this information. That's successful dating in my book. Beware of the fake apology. I've been burned when people spew out stuff like this and then they back off of that in the next conversation. Or rather, they seem to back off ... really they're just trying to paper over their stuff. Very different from someone genuinely owning their stuff. 2
preraph Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 So as soon as she started feeling invested, she did two things to sabotage the relationship, the trip and telling you she gets bored. She does have a big problem with commitment and so she sabotages herself as soon as she starts feeling anything by saying things or doing things that are sure to run off most guys. My only advice to you on this is keep a clear list of boundaries in your head about what you will and won't tolerate because she is going to push the boundaries in her blind quest to sabotage herself. It may never work, but confronting her and putting it out in the open and making her discuss it is certainly the way to go if you're going to try with her. But this could be an ongoing struggle. Just don't take any crap you wouldn't ordinarily take and set a pattern where she can be cruel to you at the same time as keeping you in the relationship. Keep your boundaries. 3
Lotsgoingon Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 She apologized for her statement about "getting bored" and said that she shot herself in the foot with the talk about going overseas for six months. Yeah, but that's not a real owning of her stuff. Of course, she shot herself in the foot! The question is: why was she so quick to the trigger so early on? And what's this gun that she's carrying around in the form of emotional baggage? I don't hear a plan her for change--I don't hear her going really deep. That's why I tend to call this a fake apology, meaning this is how she is ... this trait will continue to pop up ... and if you were to call her on this, she could justifiably say, "I never said I was going to change." Keep going if you want ... Just keep your boundaries and standards up ... speak your mind ... and yes, be on the lookout for another time she's quick to the trigger.
elaine567 Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 Once she finishes school she will have to make the most of her qualifications and that seems to be about accepting lucrative contracts overseas. She is not going to pass that up, no matter how much she may wish to appease you right now. She would be stupid to pass that up. If you do happen to make her ditch her dreams, you will have one resentful woman on your hands. "I could have been x, y and z but YOU stopped me...." Yes she is giving out a warning. "Do not get too cosy and warm with me as I have a life to live and whilst what we have is OK for now, there is no long term future in it." What did you imagine she would do with her degree? People in school do not study for years to stay at home, degrees open doors and she will regret not taking full advantage of any opportunities that come her way If you are not on board with that then end it.
Author OatsAndHall Posted November 3, 2019 Author Posted November 3, 2019 So as soon as she started feeling invested, she did two things to sabotage the relationship, the trip and telling you she gets bored. She does have a big problem with commitment and so she sabotages herself as soon as she starts feeling anything by saying things or doing things that are sure to run off most guys. These are things that she admitted to after I confronted her. Initially, she was caught off guard and wanted to play things down a bit; "I guess I'm just scared." I told her that I felt she was trying to sabotage it because she felt a connection and she begrudgingly fessed up. She didn't want to admit to it but I pressed the issue. To be honest, I'm really only keeping things going because of how she responded to my directness throughout the conversation. I wasn't rude but I was blunt. I told her that those comments made me feel as if I was wasting my time and that is something that I won't have when dating someone. I stated that we could go our separate ways, no harm, no foul, if she was THAT afraid of the relationship and she opted to give it a go. She is one of two women that I've dated in twenty+ years that didn't flip chit when I approached things a topic in such a straight forward manner. I wasn't angry or reactive but I was directly confrontational which people don't tend to handle well. She might be a sociopath that is just giving me lip service; time will tell. 1
Inspire Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 Is this the same one that made the comment about being reliable?
Gaeta Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 I have been across people like her before. She apologized because it suits her to date you now. This conversation will not make her commitment phobia disappear. She will get bored eventually, she was being honest when she confessed that to you. If your goal is long term she is not the right candidate for you. 3
Author OatsAndHall Posted November 3, 2019 Author Posted November 3, 2019 Once she finishes school she will have to make the most of her qualifications and that seems to be about accepting lucrative contracts overseas. She is not going to pass that up, no matter how much she may wish to appease you right now. She would be stupid to pass that up. If you do happen to make her ditch her dreams, you will have one resentful woman on your hands. "I could have been x, y and z but YOU stopped me...." Yes she is giving out a warning. "Do not get too cosy and warm with me as I have a life to live and whilst what we have is OK for now, there is no long term future in it." What did you imagine she would do with her degree? People in school do not study for years to stay at home, degrees open doors and she will regret not taking full advantage of any opportunities that come her way If you are not on board with that then end it. It's a bit of a Catch-22 when she says she's tired of not having a companion to enjoy life with but yet wants them to be okay with her leaving the country for 6 months at a time. If that is truly her dream, then I hope she finds someone who is willing to go 6 months without seeing their SO or able to join her. I fall into neither category. That is why that comment took me aback. We've both laid out what we want with our futures and she did state that she was looking into contracting work that could take her out of town for a MONTH at a time. Last night as the first time she stated SIX MONTHS out of the country. She asked me once if I felt tied down to where I am at now. I told her that I wasn't; I'm able to work anywhere in the U.S. but overseas is a whole different story. But that's all beside the point; I'm certainly not going to discuss or agree to relocate with someone after only knowing them for a short period of time.
Author OatsAndHall Posted November 3, 2019 Author Posted November 3, 2019 Is this the same one that made the comment about being reliable? Hahahahaha... Good Lord NO.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 I would not get your hopes up for this one, OP. 1
elaine567 Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 But that's all beside the point; I'm certainly not going to discuss or agree to relocate with someone after only knowing them for a short period of time. I could be wrong but I doubt she would want you to relocate. I guess you are Mr RightNow... She has a year to fill and you are convenient... I am not sure why you are doubting her "dream", she has told you what she intends to do.
BaileyB Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 I am not sure why you are doubting her "dream", she has told you what she intends to do. I tend to agree. She may have doubled back to “clarify,” but I would be surprised if she does not completely intend on leaving. I would take her original statement at face value... 1
preraph Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 She might be a sociopath that is just giving me lip service; time will tell. For what it's worth, I doubt she's a sociopath or that she has control over herself. I think it's fairly common that a lot of us sabotage ourselves. Sometimes it's because we had crap role models and just don't know HOW to have a smooth relationship. Sometimes we have genuine conflicts, like her work vs. personal relationship. I kind of think a lot of this is unconscious for her. She may be lucid about some of it the older she gets, but that doesn't mean she won't have something that blocks her from being able to be intimate in the sense of personal close lasting relationship. But you never know. It might be she does just need a guy who isn't afraid to talk to her about all that, and you might be that guy. I guess further dating should tell you if it comes more together or if she just starts flaking. I'm crap at intimacy myself. I would fall in love, but it was always hard for me to find a way to stay with someone comfortably. I just think it's from dysfunction in my family, though they were together a long time. But that's how it was back then. 3
Beendaredonedat Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 (edited) On edit (misread original post) She's a self proclaimed commitment phobe. That should tell you all you need to know, really. However since she has an opportunity to be away for six months, that may prolong your time together since she won't have enough time with you to get bored or experience the feelings of enmeshment that c-phobes suffer. I guess it depends on your end dating goal what you do with that information. If its just to experience things in the moment and then sigh a sad sigh when then end then carry on. If your end goal is to marry (or live together/have a family) then perhaps you are not with the right chica. In any event, I can see why the convo left you a tad angsty. Good luck. Edited November 3, 2019 by Beendaredonedat
Twizzlestick Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 She’s attempting a power play here. I honestly would withdraw troops OP and find someone more stable. Her intentions and attitude don’t match what she is expressing she wishes in return. It’s a powerplay. Go into a rele with that and you’ll be firefighting, gaslighted and given constant mind games. It’s written all over it. All that guff about walls etc. Amazing the tosh people come out with the excuse their own maggots in the brain. She’s a problem to date and already trying to feather her run away round the world nest, whilst trying to steer you into attentive standby position. What a mess of info from her, no wander your hackles would be up. I always do the “boot on the other foot” thought experiment to water test it. If I said that little lot to a girl, she’d exit post haste.
chillii Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 (edited) l see this a bit differently to most. ln this case her going off shows your up another level and comfortable enough to get emotional and trust the other one understands us enough by now, and will still stick around type thing, yeah there's issues in it but eh, everyone has them.. Which l know will probably make no sense to anyone but me most likely but anyway. Well, unless she starts making a habit of it. But she told you stuff in that that shows to me she's finding you guys different and it's starting to get serious to her, she's even thinking 12mths ahead and worrying about her original plans now. l think she's hoping if you guys do work out then you can work something out with that together. This happens when it could be serious, suddenly we have to put the cart first before getting further involved , or she wouldn't be worried about this stuff or getting so emotional, to me that's a good thing , well if your interested anyway.. l'd take the bored comment as more testing the waters too actually, because l don't think she sees that happening with you. But eh, l don't know American women , so l could be a mile off base, my womans Portuguese Russian and ex was Italian, l'm use to a lot of emotion and if there is a book just throw that out the fkg window, wouldn't have it any other way haha. But to me if you really like her and could see long term, , l'd be going with it and see where it goes. Mind you, the OS 6mth thing is another matter to think about and with her you might find her throwing tantrums every 5mins later on who knows, time would tell butttt, just sayin. Edited November 3, 2019 by chillii
chillii Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 (edited) For what it's worth, I doubt she's a sociopath or that she has control over herself. I think it's fairly common that a lot of us sabotage ourselves. Sometimes it's because we had crap role models and just don't know HOW to have a smooth relationship. Sometimes we have genuine conflicts, like her work vs. personal relationship. I kind of think a lot of this is unconscious for her. She may be lucid about some of it the older she gets, but that doesn't mean she won't have something that blocks her from being able to be intimate in the sense of personal close lasting relationship. But you never know. It might be she does just need a guy who isn't afraid to talk to her about all that, and you might be that guy. I guess further dating should tell you if it comes more together or if she just starts flaking. I'm crap at intimacy myself. I would fall in love, but it was always hard for me to find a way to stay with someone comfortably. I just think it's from dysfunction in my family, though they were together a long time. But that's how it was back then. Yeah must admit , sociopath , wth is that coming from. But anyway don't know the woman of course so things l was thinking could be 10miles off but yeah, l'm tending to think something along the lines of what preraphs said here she just explained it better . Edited November 4, 2019 by chillii 1
Author OatsAndHall Posted November 4, 2019 Author Posted November 4, 2019 Yeah must admit , sociopath , wth is that coming from. But anyway don't know the woman of course so things l was thinking could be 10miles off but yeah, l'm tending to think something along the lines of what preraphs said here she just explained it better . The sociopath comment was my poor attempt at sarcasm over the internet; not to be taken seriously. I wouldn't continue to see her if I she was giving off an Axis-2 vibe (been there, done that..). And, prepraph hit the nail on the head with respect to my thinking. We spent the day together yesterday and had a good, straightforward talk about everything. We both laid our cards out on the table in a blunt manner; we talked about where we're at in our relationship, where we'd like it to go and where our own life paths are taking us at this point. We're on the same page with our thought processes; our separate lives have a trajectory at this moment. But, our ambitions and life plans include having a companion to share experiences with. We've both been doing our own things for a long time and we've both found that our passions have more fulfillment with someone to share them with. If we're the "right person" for one another, then our trajectories can be compromised. We're both in fields that allow us a lot of flexibility in terms of where we go and what we do. She acknowledged that taking contracting work within the states and having a companion is much more desirable for her than taking off overseas, alone. So, we'll work at this and see what happens. Honestly, I'm willing to give this a shot because she's just as blunt and honest as I am. If this ends, it will be sooner than later given how direct we both are. I have no doubt that she will pull the plug if she feels that I'm not "Mr. Right" and I will do the same if I get another bad vibe. I'm not going to keep a foot out the door but I am certainly going to have some walls up and my eyes open. 1
lavenderandvelvet Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 I think she feels something different with, feels comfortable opening up, and wants to share her fears with you - so you can understand her behavior and you can support her. I think you should keep going.
Flame Aura Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 Having been in two LDRs in the past, 6 months away is really nothing, absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. If you think it's a dealbreaker then maybe you are not right for her and she needs someone more flexible and adventurous. Her telling you about her plans I can only see in a positive way - she thinks things may develop and wanted to know how you felt. She sounds great to be honest, really not sure what all the worry is about.
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