I did a big mistake before our breakup now he send mixed signals

[Sweetlover88]

So me and my ex bf broke up 11 days ago (were both males, I'm 30 he's 24) I am very not proud of what I will say but we both been abusive towards each others at the end of the relationship. I did hit him once (I am not proud of that at all) and have been in therapy since and stopped alcohol.

 

After the episode, he told me that he will never talk to me again and he only want to make sure that I am ok at the new house (we were suppose to move together.)

 

A month ago he told me he needed a break and I told him ok. After 6 days of no contact, he wrote to me that he missed me and kept thinking about me then he came back to see me.

 

But now since our breakup, at first he blocked me everywhere but now he unblocked me. 2 days after, he sent me a msg on FB then unsend it. Then the next day, with the suggestion of my therapist, I wrote him a letter in which I stood up for my action and thanked him for our time together. I felt I had to do that to forgive myself and the pain I've inflicted on him.

 

Then the next day, he used the heart emoji to my msg and 2 days after sent me a random video of a funny dog (he knows I like dogs) to which I just responded "lol".

 

It's been almost two weeks that we broke up and I'm working on myself as much as I can (stopped drinking totally especially since I was drunk when I hit him (in not trying to make an excuse but I was drunk and that's innaceptable I would never do something like that sober and never did.) So I see a therapist, exercise and stay sober.

 

I guess my question is why do you guys think he send me random message every 2 or 3 days? Is it manipulation? Breadcrumbs? Im confused by all of it.

 

My goal is to keep no contact until I've fixed my personal problems and if one day we do see each others again, I want to show him that I can be the person he felt in love with. We had been together 7 months

 

Thanks you for your advices

[ExpatInItaly]

In what ways was he abusive towards you, OP? What did you two fight about?

I think we need a better understanding of your relationship in general to understand his current mindset more.

 

Having said that, it is also true that many victims of domestic violence have trouble reconciling the good moments of the relationship with the abusive ones, and have extremely conflicted feelings after the break-up. That could be where he is at right now, hence the mix of affectionate contact and total silence. I wouldn't necessarily assume he's trying to manipulate you. His emotions are probably on an emotional roller coaster as well, fluctuating between missing you and being angry with you.

 

Given that you were only together 7 months, I am going to suggest that you put this one to bed and move on. That is an intense level of drama for such a short relationship, and the damage done is quite severe. It is going to be very hard to come back from that and work things out, especially considering that he's only 24 on top of everything else. He's young and probably not ready to make the kind of commitment necessary to work on resolving an abusive relationship.

[d0nnivain]

I guess my question is why do you guys think he send me random message every 2 or 3 days? Is it manipulation? Breadcrumbs? Im confused by all of it.

 

My goal is to keep no contact until I've fixed my personal problems and if one day we do see each others again, I want to show him that I can be the person he felt in love with.

 

I honestly don't know what to tell you. I would tell him to never speak to you again because you physically assaulted him.

 

I commend you for seeing that act of violence as a wake up call to quit alcohol & get your life together. Good for you for taking those steps. That takes real courage to make these kinds of changes.

 

If you get involved with AA & I hope you do, they will recommend you avoid any romance at least until you have 1 year sober under your belt.

 

You taking the time to do what you need to do is a good thing. However, your EX is very confused. He should not be talking to you but for reasons I don't understand he still harbors some feelings. Those will undoubtedly be crushed if you disappear until you can get your act together.

 

What does your therapist recommend? You will be better served by taking advice from that professional rather than a bunch of armchair amateurs on the internet

[Sweetlover88]

Thanks for your response.

 

Well for one, everytime we had a problem no matter how small it was, I was always the one to blame. He couldn't really admit when he was wrong and when he did it would be after hours or days of ignoring me.

 

For example, 3 weeks ago when he left for a week to take a break, he didn't contacted me once at that time. Only the last day to tell me he missed me and he was sorry to not write me. That he thought of me all days but for some reason couldn't write me.

 

Most of the time if we had an argument, we would post it on Facebook so everyone sees it. Most of his friends didn't liked me after a few months because they had a perception of me because of what they saw on his wall.

 

I told him that if we do have problems together, it's better if we keep it for ourselves or at least not put it publicly like that.

 

At the beginning of the relationship (honeymoon phase) which was the first 3 months he was really nice. He know my father passed away last year and I have had depression since then but I have been following a psychotherapist and he's been really supportive of that. He was even taking notes from YouTube videos on how to support and help someone with depression.

 

We had wonderful moments and not only arguments. I remember him telling me that he didn't had a good relationship with his father and I tried to help him with that because when my father passed away we were on bad term and it really sucks to know that I've never been able to fix it with him. So we went to see his father and now hes talking to him again. That made me feel really happy for him.

 

I definitely think he got turned off by my drinking habits.

The day after the break up when I did the worst, he told me he would be on dating app to try to forget me. He said he will never talk to me again and I told him that I understood and it's important for me to let him be and live his life and if its not with me then I completely understand because of my action. But then when he unblocked me, then sent me a message on FB only to un send it right away and then sending a love emoji in response so my letter along with sending me a funny dog video, I'm really confused.

 

And I'm not selfish neither. I know he's most likely in pain also and has a hard time just like I have if not worst because of what happened. I think him going back on dating app was maybe his way to try to hurt me back because of what I did.

 

I know that right now I need to focus on getting rid of beers (I haven't drank since October 23th) and I also need to be in a better place mentally.

 

What would you suggest me to do if he write again? I know now is not the time to be in a relationship for both of us but I genuinely know that I am not that kind of person. I have never done anything like that before and it did scared me and this is something that I never wanted to repeat again in my life.

 

I'm really proud of the change so far (stopped looking at his social medias 3 days ago, lost 8 pounds, training twice a day eating healthy, stopped alcohol) but I know I need more time. Its easy to say something but I genuinely want to be the best version of myself.

[Sweetlover88]

I honestly don't know what to tell you. I would tell him to never speak to you again because you physically assaulted him.

 

I commend you for seeing that act of violence as a wake up call to quit alcohol & get your life together. Good for you for taking those steps. That takes real courage to make these kinds of changes.

 

If you get involved with AA & I hope you do, they will recommend you avoid any romance at least until you have 1 year sober under your belt.

 

You taking the time to do what you need to do is a good thing. However, your EX is very confused. He should not be talking to you but for reasons I don't understand he still harbors some feelings. Those will undoubtedly be crushed if you disappear until you can get your act together.

 

What does your therapist recommend? You will be better served by taking advice from that professional rather than a bunch of armchair amateurs on the internet

 

The therapist suggested me to write him a letter (not a love letter but more of a accountability letter). I've been having hard time forgiving myself TBH and even now I still struggle with that.

 

Then he said that I should go no contact, work on what caused the problem (alcohol in that case) and keep seeing him on a weekly basis for the next few months.

 

Im not saying this btw to try to make this act less horrible than what it was: I did hit him and its not acceptable, drunk or no. But I have never been a violent person all my life. Especially not sober. I really don't understand what caused me to hit him when I got drunk that time (once again I'm not saying that to diminishes what I did. I did it and it's all my fault)

 

I'll take this as a waking call to get rid of that poison once and for all.

[d0nnivain]

He sounds immature.

 

You need to concentrate on your stuff. You have big things to tackle. Making the choice to address them is the best 1st step.

 

Let him be to do what he needs to do to grow up. When you get your stuff figured out he may not be as attractive to you any more because you should be able to see a brighter future for yourself with a more mature partner.

[preraph]

Well, first, good for you for seeing a therapist and stopping alcohol. And yes, alcohol often does lead to lack of filter and meanness. Some people do get just mean on it. So you're doing the right thing.

 

He isn't that mad at you, but you need to be sure he understands that quitting alcohol and working on yourself is necessary and has to be your top priority right now. You know, in AA, they tell you to stay out of relationships for the first year. During that time, you are more vulnerable to slipping up and you are more emotional and volatile. You have to settle out first.

 

Also, I guess he drinks, so you will have a hard time not drinking unless he agrees to not do it around you. Sometimes your whole lifestyle has to change, like not going to bars.

 

Anyway, just let him know where you're at and don't let him or anyone derail you from progressing. Good luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

This sounds like it was a very immature relationship, OP.

 

It never had a chance of becoming something long-term and sustainable.

[d0nnivain]

Go ahead & WRITE the accountability letter your therapist suggested but do not give it to your EX. He may share it with others or post it on line. He sounds like the type. More importantly if you write about punching him that letter will be a confession & you could end up facing criminal charges.

[Sweetlover88]

Well, first, good for you for seeing a therapist and stopping alcohol. And yes, alcohol often does lead to lack of filter and meanness. Some people do get just mean on it. So you're doing the right thing.

 

He isn't that mad at you, but you need to be sure he understands that quitting alcohol and working on yourself is necessary and has to be your top priority right now. You know, in AA, they tell you to stay out of relationships for the first year. During that time, you are more vulnerable to slipping up and you are more emotional and volatile. You have to settle out first.

 

Also, I guess he drinks, so you will have a hard time not drinking unless he agrees to not do it around you. Sometimes your whole lifestyle has to change, like not going to bars.

 

Anyway, just let him know where you're at and don't let him or anyone derail you from progressing. Good luck.

 

He doesn't drink at all actually. He hates it. I guess that also played a role as a huge turn off for him when I drank.

 

I told him in the letter that I actually thanks him for leaving me. If he didn't now I'm not sure I would've learned anything and used it as a wake up call. At least now, I have to face the pain and use it to be a better person.

 

I also don't think he hates me since he unblocked me everywhere and sent me 2 messages since (well not really message but yes he reached out).

 

As d0nn said I dont deserve him back and that's ok. All actions have consequences. I do hope though that when I become a better person he can see it but I won't chase him. I've done enough of bad now that I just want him to be happy and leave him alone.

 

The reason why I made this post I guess is just because I want to be prepared in case he reach out. I don't want to be rude and ignore him or just block him.

 

He did that 3 weeks ago. He left for 7 days then he wrote me a message saying he miss me. Obviously, this situation is worst than the one before so that doesn't mean he will reach out at me again but I just want to be prepared

 

Thanks you guys for your advices btw. Much appreciated

[Sweetlover88]

Go ahead & WRITE the accountability letter your therapist suggested but do not give it to your EX. He may share it with others or post it on line. He sounds like the type. More importantly if you write about punching him that letter will be a confession & you could end up facing criminal charges.

 

I already sent the letter. Its not his style to go to the police. If he wanted to do that he would've done it already that I'm 100% sure. He's not that kind of person.

 

Not only that but the day after the incident, he gave me his laptop that I was using for my work telling me that I'll need it. He also offered to give me one of his fan. When I asked him why he's doing that after what happened he said that he wants to make sure that I'm OK because after that he will never talk to me again (that was before he unblocked me and reach out twice).

 

Then I don't know if he did that on purpose but that same day he sent me a screenshot about the location of my new house and on top of his screenshot there was a dating app opened. When I made mention of it he said he's doing that to try to forget me.

 

And its after that that he unblocked me and when I didn't said anything to him for 3 days, he sent and unsent a message on Facebook.

[Sweetlover88]

This sounds like it was a very immature relationship, OP.

 

It never had a chance of becoming something long-term and sustainable.

 

:/ Yes I guess I missed the signs.. Even almost 2 weeks after now I'm still wondering how the hell it went wrong like that. I feel like I kind of lost myself in all that. I don't know how to actually explain it.

 

The pain of losing him is honestly nothing compared to knowing the pain that I've caused with my action. I know some people think that abusers are always abusing no matter if they drink or no but I am sincerely not a violent person. I don't know what got to my head that night and that's something that I am trying to work on with the therapist.