ChaiLatte Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 I went out with a guy I met on an app. We got a drink and the date went pretty well, after an hour or so he suggested going to a club next door. It was pretty fun and we ended up kissing (or making out) quite a few times. Maybe 3 different times. He was pretty flirty and touchy feely ( a lot of touching the stomach and hip area) and at one point he said we should go some place and make out for two hours. I did say to him that because our date was later at night I hope I didn't give him the wrong idea and he said no we could take it slow. We also talked about relationships and he flat out told me he was looking for a relationship. I told him I think it's fine if people use the app for hookups but they should just be upfront about it. He said he agreed and nobody wants their time wasted. Anyways- by 1:30 I was ready to go and he walked me out. He did offer to drive me home but I wanted to take a cab. The cab pulled up and i gave him a hug and he looked kind of confused because we had kissed so much maybe he thought I'd kiss him? Anyways - he said " Nice meeting you. I'll see you soon." I got in the cab and I didn't hear from him the next day. So I just wrote that I had fun and I liked the club we went to. He responded by saying me too and we should hang out again sometime. It seems pretty vague and non committal to me. And my insecurities have me wondering if I'm a bad kisser or something. Anyways. Are these phrases polite brush offs? Or am I over thinking it?
Inspire Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 It sounds like he wanted the hookup and you did the right thing in putting the brakes on things. We've all done more then we probably should have for a first date but I agree, it's nice to have something to look forward too and if he was interested in more he would have been more responsive. Even if the hug threw him off, your text should have put his mind at ease. Did you respond? 2
sunbaby Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 They can certainly be phrases that go nowhere. It depends on what happens next. I used to have friends in uni that would say things like "we should hang out soon!" with no actual intention of doing so. The only way to know is to write back and suggest a day / activity and see it he's up for it. Sometimes I say things like that and i really do want to hang out with the person but I'm leaving it open to see what they might like to do or when they might be free.
Flame Aura Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 Agreed - it could go either way. Us men say it how we mean it - so it could very well mean exactly what he said - he wants to see you again at some point. At the same time as mentioned it is a phrase used just to be polite, and not really want to see them. Observe his actions - if he actually makes an effort to set up another date - as a measure of what he meant/his interest. 1
Author ChaiLatte Posted November 3, 2019 Author Posted November 3, 2019 Even if the hug threw him off, your text should have put his mind at ease. Did you respond? I did I told him that would be fun. But that was earlier today.
Lotsgoingon Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 Why did you veto the kiss as you were ending the night and climbing into the cab? I could why many people would have seen the refusal to kiss at the end to be a sign of rejection at word, disinterest at best. You had already kissed multiple times ... so not kissing at the end ... inevitably becomes a statement. I mean, did you say something really sweet to him in place of a goodbye kiss? ... Something like, "Let's save the next kiss for our next date." I would very much be thrown off by no kiss--if we had kissed earlier. Thrown off to the point that I would say, "she's not interested, let me move on." So maybe this was a brushoff from him ... but it's 50-50 that he would say he felt a brushoff from you. 1
lavenderandvelvet Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 (edited) I generally do not like kidding in public where it feels like you are on display. Quiet corner or alley - sure. Night club or crowded bar - sure. Private corner in quiet bar - sure. Busy road on plain sight - don’t like it. For me kidding by the cab would feel really uncomfortable. Edited November 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Legatus Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 You could have said you were not comfortable, though I think crowded bar is way more crowded than a street. On a street people walk to their destination, they might glance and smile because kissing is positive but in the club it's more likely people will state at you. Personally I think it's a misconception that streets, because they are more open geographically, are more "public" in the sense of showing attention. Anyway, I agree that after kissing him so much, not giving him even a small kis at the end would be a huge statement in a guy's mind. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 (edited) Kissing in bars and clubs is somehow private? Kissing outside at the end of a date is public? Your thinking makes absolutely no part of sense to me. I would have assumed your rejection of a kiss at the end was some kind of mind-game you were running. Either you didn't like me ... or the date was some kind of joke-game for you ... or you just lacked basic social skills. We all have strange thinking. But ... if you want to get somewhere in life, you gotta own up quirky thinking so you can use your voice to avoid misunderstandings. "Look, it's my weirdness. I don't like kissing outside even though we were kissing in clubs." Probably makes sense to find a powerful, alternative gesture to substitute for a kiss at the end of a great date. You undermined his interest ... in a startling and baffling way. If he came on here and read your thinking, he'd probably think you were making up a story. Edited November 3, 2019 by Lotsgoingon 1
Art_Critic Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 No way of really telling about his interest from the statement but in all honestly if you combine the statement with him left with blue balls I would have to think his interest level isn't very high... doesn't mean he won't come around but if he does he will be looking for the hookup
d0nnivain Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 It's hard to tell. It may be just something to say to avoid having to be direct about thanks but no thanks. He could have only wanted a hook-up. He could be serious about wanting to take things slow & he may be in touch later in the week to set a 2nd date. If you are that anxious about the whole thing, you could always reach out to him & extend the offer of a 2nd date (which you would pay for since you initiated). 1
Versacehottie Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 (edited) I think after a first date things can go so many different ways for so many different reasons (that's often aren't easy to even put your finger on even if you are the one making the decision not to see someone again)--so to attach prophetic meaning to just one sentence of the entire interaction is not the way to go. It will just end up making you more insecure, more unsure of how to "be" on your next dates with this guy or others. The point is there is so much that is arbitrary, timing and out of our control on a first date that you can and should only deal with what you can control and not be overly hard on yourself. For the right person, what you do will be "right". Also you could be the perfect person for him and played it perfectly but his intention going in is just to date around not settle on any one girl--so you see there are so many variables, you would drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. Plus not every guy handles his business (i.e. setting up the next date) exactly the same, nor does the same guy handle his business exactly the same in each different girl situation. Ok, so if you ask most guys they will tell you they are not particularly looking for a relationship but are open to it if the right girl came along (variables for age/life stage/individuality of course). You might not even want one yourself but since you had fun you do want a second date so you can "see" if you want to keep dating each other, right? Basically all i'm trying to tell you is keep your spirits up and keep moving forward. Don't feel insecure about this or your actions in this regardless of the outcome with this guy. Now without pinning it down to a specific sentence he closed the date with (let's do it again or whatever he said that was very NON-specific, casual sounding), I would say look for a cluster of evidence that may mean he is just looking for casual, a hookup (that he may have been disappointed not to get on date one) or has no intentions of seeing you again. I think the sentence is less important than SUBSEQUENT contact by him. Give it a few days. IMO, the ball is in his court and let it stay that way. Keep dating other guys as well. When you have CHOICE and are not attached to one particular guy, idk, it's something they can feel. That said, if i were to look at the cluster of events thus far--which is by no means the ultimate outcome, I would lean toward him treating the whole thing very casually--which i think has more to do with his INTENTIONS toward dating on the whole, rather than anything you did wrong or right. Ok, good luck Edited November 3, 2019 by Versacehottie
preraph Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 I'd see if he contacts you again. I wouldn't contact him anymore unless he reaches out. 1
Inspire Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 Yea, at this point the ball is in his court. Let him initiate the date and take it from there. 1
Versacehottie Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 yeah you have done enough IMO to show interest and warrant a second date with him if he feels reciprocal about it. That's why don't worry if it's a brush off. You could probably get a second or more date from him or even some confusing FWBish thing from him if you kept after him/it. If you leave the ball in his court right now to pursue or not pursue, you will determine much easier if you will get the brush off now or future--in other words, if you make the majority of the effort, you will be able to string yourself along for a certain amount of time only to eventually, and perhaps in a tortured way, to get the brush off. IMO, the level of effort a guy does at the beginning is usually symbolic of cementing the level of effort he will do throughout and likelihood that it will become a relationship. This doesn't mean he's fawning all over you or being too much; in his own way, individual for each guy's personality and within reason-timeframe, putting effort in at the beginning is a crucial step in the process for them. In other words, you can't really do the work for them; it's something they must do for themselves (as long as you've shown a good amount of interest).
Ruby Slippers Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 I think he just wanted sex. If he wanted more, he would have been in touch the next day. I just got back on a dating site and have had two false starts, both who presented themselves as wanting something real, but clearly just wanted sex. I'm thinking it'll take time to find genuine men.
Versacehottie Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 We also talked about relationships and he flat out told me he was looking for a relationship. I told him I think it's fine if people use the app for hookups but they should just be upfront about it. He said he agreed and nobody wants their time wasted. I would say that regarding the above (much like Ruby Slippers says) you should rely less on what people say regarding their intentions for a relationship and rely on what they do. I think people always mean that conditionally, i.e. with the unsaid: "if you are the right person/timing, etc is all right and in alignment." So asking the question alone isn't a green light like all systems go; in fact, i would argue that it gives people a false sense of security about the other person's intentions. So be careful and make sure you have matching evidence that the person is indeed looking for a relationship--with you. Good luck
Author ChaiLatte Posted November 4, 2019 Author Posted November 4, 2019 Why did you veto the kiss as you were ending the night and climbing into the cab? I could why many people would have seen the refusal to kiss at the end to be a sign of rejection at word, disinterest at best. When we were kissing inside it was in a private area in a back which was a sort of walkway. People would walk past us to get to get to another part of the bar. So it was private when people weren't walking by. But it was a tight space.The third time he kissed me this girl walked by and started clapping as we were kissing. I was a bit embarrassed and we stopped kissing. Is it that strange not want other people ogling you? I really liked kissing him - I just don't like an audience. When the cab pulled up the cab driver was watching us, so I gave him a quick hug- and that's what I thought he was thrown off about. But I would have probably kissed him if say he drove me home or something. Anyway, I agree that after kissing him so much, not giving him even a small kis at the end would be a huge statement in a guy's mind. That's good to know but I think the fact that I've now texted him shows that I do like him. Now without pinning it down to a specific sentence he closed the date with (let's do it again or whatever he said that was very NON-specific, casual sounding), I would say look for a cluster of evidence that may mean he is just looking for casual, a hookup (that he may have been disappointed not to get on date one) or has no intentions of seeing you again. I think the sentence is less important than SUBSEQUENT contact by him. Give it a few days. IMO, the ball is in his court and let it stay that way. Keep dating other guys as well. When you have CHOICE and are not attached to one particular guy, idk, it's something they can feel. That said, if i were to look at the cluster of events thus far--which is by no means the ultimate outcome, I would lean toward him treating the whole thing very casually--which i think has more to do with his INTENTIONS toward dating on the whole, rather than anything you did wrong or right. Ok, good luck Thanks - this is really good advice. I've decided to forget it because clearly he isn't that into it. I fee like if he was he would have texted me the next day to say he had a good time. And when I texted him he was general about doing it again, it's not like he tried to set up another date. So I'll chalk it up to a lesson learned. 1
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