Gaeta Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 I know, i had a bad day and got little emotional over my recent break up and I assumed she ghosted me and wont see me again so I said screw It and sent her few dissapointing texts. I dont know why, I never did it before.... That mean you are not ready to date. What you did is shed on her your frustration caused by a previous relationship. You need to make peace with this before dating again. 1
preraph Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 I can't deal with paranoid possessive jealous men, so it would have run me off as well. 2
Inspire Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 Don't ever try to communicate when you feel overly emotional. Nothing good will come of it. She was out of the country, didn't you stop to think her flight may have been delayed or something happened with her phone. It is one thing to think the worst, and another to act on it. You should have given her the benefit of the doubt if she had been reliable up until this point. If she has been flaky in the past then I would get it, but it sounds like you let your emotions from your past relationship get the best of you here.
Author Arthur89 Posted November 3, 2019 Author Posted November 3, 2019 That mean you are not ready to date. What you did is shed on her your frustration caused by a previous relationship. You need to make peace with this before dating again. So you would never forgive man for a mistake like this?
ExpatInItaly Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 Do not try to contact her again. She said she would be in touch with you. The ball is in her court. That might mean you don't hear from her, but if you don't, you can assume that has indeed lost all interest.
Author Arthur89 Posted November 3, 2019 Author Posted November 3, 2019 Don't ever try to communicate when you feel overly emotional. Nothing good will come of it. She was out of the country, didn't you stop to think her flight may have been delayed or something happened with her phone. It is one thing to think the worst, and another to act on it. You should have given her the benefit of the doubt if she had been reliable up until this point. If she has been flaky in the past then I would get it, but it sounds like you let your emotions from your past relationship get the best of you here. No she hasnt been flaky before... i know im an idiot. On sunday, the day after that she communicated normaly and i said to her that i would understand if she doesnt wanna see me again after that and if thats the case she can tell me right now and ahe said we will see each other soon . I asked when is she free to get together and she replied im not in the mood right now i will be at touch so i hope she still has some interest left
BaileyB Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 (edited) So you would never forgive man for a mistake like this? This would be concerning to me as a possible sign of things to come. If you are so rigid and get this upset over something as simple as this, then I would worry about how you would handle both the day to day things that happen in a relationship as well as the major life stressors. I would be very hesitant to give it another chance. The challenge here, as expat said, is that you have no history. She doesn’t know if this is out of character and thus, she should give you the benefit of the doubt. She doesn’t know if she should trust you. And as such, if I did see you again, I would be watching your responses to situations very closely and very cautious about the relationship... That’s the thing with words, once they are said they can not be unheard. Or as they say, you can’t unring a bell... Edited November 3, 2019 by BaileyB
d0nnivain Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 So you would never forgive man for a mistake like this? I'd forgive him but I would not date him. Again it's about how long I knew him. Against your life this may be an aberration. Against the very short few weeks I knew the guy it looks a lot more like his M.O. & that's not something I'd be willing to deal with 1
Lotsgoingon Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 It's not a question of "forgiving." It's a question of whether I should look past this behavior. Would I look past an inappropriately emotional outburst from someone I've only known for four weeks? No! I assume if that's how they behave now ... then there's a lot more where that comes from ... that will come out later. That's almost always been the case. BTW: get other things going on in your life, so that you aren't so dependent on this person so early in a relationship. Call some friends, go out to the movies, get a life going that grounds you. That will help you not overreact. 1
schlumpy Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 Arthur, I'm getting concerned about you. You have lost your perspective. What you did is not going to be on the list of the ten greatest mistakes in your life 50 years from now. It is just the human condition. We all make mistakes. My contention is if your relationship has a solid basis this should be easy to get over. If her feelings for you are substantial she may make you twist in the wind for awhile but not permanently. This is not worth panicking over which is what you are doing. You have already apologized and there is nothing more you can do. If this is a deal breaker for her then you didn't have the relationship you thought you had. If you grovel anymore she's just going to lose respect for you. She's already started the silent treatment that has been described as mental abuse. You overreacted yes, but she has some culpability in that she could have borrowed someone else's phone. This can all be swept easily away if she wants to. That's where the crux is. Does she want to? If she doesn't, I doubt very much your messages will be cause, so quit blaming yourself. It will be exactly what she wants.
healing light Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 She's already started the silent treatment that has been described as mental abuse. Except they are not officially together and she is likely just moving on rather than trying to punish the OP and get back at him. Your one-off would come across to a lot of women as a smoke signal of future verbal abuse or controlling behavior. Her flight could have been delayed, her luggage could have been in another country, etc. I would try to avoid scheduling dates on the day someone gets back in general because there are too many variables involved with jet lag to transportation delays that can't be predicted ahead of time. If there was ever an occasion for benefit of the doubt, this is it with traveling involved. So, yes, unfortunately, I do think she has lost interest. I would be quite surprised if you heard back from her. It's simply too early to know this isn't how you handle conflict. Too many times people ignore the red flags along the way in relationships that go south, so if she's wiser for her experiences and has good healthy boundaries, she will heed this red flag for what it is. Edited to add: No, do not contact her. She already said she would initiate if/when she felt like seeing you again. Let this one go and assume she is no longer interested. If you hear from her, great, then you can determine if you want to pick up where you left off. 1
The Outlaw Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 Many people would be alarmed, but you can't ever jump the gun and assume anything. Give her a few more days and if you still haven't learned anything, move on. Consider it a lesson learned.
mortensorchid Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 I think you blew it, guy. I can tell you as a woman if I were getting repeated angry texts or phone calls from someone I would think this guy was a psycho. This happened to me a few times - I blocked them on my phone as well as on Facebook and the website / app that we met on. If I were her I wouldn't even bother to respond to you after a while - doesn't matter if the leaving of the phone was true or not. It's just experience, you'll know better next time. 1
IslandSanctuary Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 You did nothing wrong. I would have been disappointed too. All of these women on here telling you how you stuffed up lol. I imagine them at least being a little disappointed too if the sexes here were reversed. Not showing up to a planned early date, and not making any communication about it would piss me off, would piss anyone off. I would have just sent one text - "Where are you, I thought we planned to meet now?" Then I would have ghosted her. NEXT. These women on here would have complained about that too............ 1
winny Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 Okay! First of all, I don't care where she left her phone. If she had told you she will meet you on a certain day and was going to confirm you the time, she should have found a way to do it. We have so many communication channels now and not having the phone on you is a lame excuse. And did she ever apologize for not getting back to you? Secondly, your reaction even though was bit too much but it was triggered by her action or inaction. Next time in similar situation, if someone does not get back to you on time then stay cool and send them a casual text for confirmation but take it as a red flag if they do not confirm you and give you a lame excuse like I did not have my phone with me. If you still want to see this girl, your best course of action is to not reach out and give her space. I don't know if she deliberately did not text/call you so you would act out and she can use it as a way to end it with you or it was a genuine mistake and now she is pissed off at your over-reaction. You will have to wait and watch. And if she comes back to you later then do not forget the red flag and keep an eye out for any such flakiness and try to control your reactions in future. 1
basil67 Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 (edited) Island Sanctuary, these women on here (and everywhere else) need to be alert to domestic abuse. Yes, most of us would be disappointed and frustrated. I agree with those who have wondered if she could have contacted him on an alternate media. And your text of "Where are you, I thought we planned to meet now" would be an entirely appropriate response. But the OPs rant - which he then compounded with "if you don't want to see me again, you need to tell me now" has red flags for someone who is reactive, jumps to conclusions, blames and assumes. I'm NOT saying that the OP is an abuser, but a person can't be too careful. I wouldn't go back to someone who did this either. Would you date a woman who reacted like this? I would hope not. Edited November 3, 2019 by basil67 1
winny Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 But the OPs rant - which he then compounded with "if you don't want to see me again, you need to tell me now" has red flags for someone who is reactive, jumps to conclusions, blames and assumes. The way I see it .. its a reaction of someone who has been burnt in the past and is scared to get hurt again and is acting out. It is a red flag for sure but of lack of emotional maturity.
kendahke Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 (edited) So you would never forgive man for a mistake like this? Considering the short time you two have known one another and the fact that you jumped to this judgmental attitude as swiftly as you did? No--not worth it. Forgiving someone and wanting to deal with them further are two completely different things. These days, with cell phones being how they are, I don't memorize phone numbers, so if my phone dies or gets lost and I'm out and about, it's going to be a minute until I get to my computer at home and look up the email address. Edited November 3, 2019 by kendahke 1
winny Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 Considering the short time you two have known one another and the fact that you jumped to this judgmental attitude as swiftly as you did? No--not worth it. Forgiving someone and wanting to deal with them further are two completely different things. These days, with cell phones being how they are, I don't memorize phone numbers, so if my phone dies or gets lost and I'm out and about, it's going to be a minute until I get to my computer at home and look up the email address. I dropped and broke my phone at an airport and I had to speak to my friend and inform her of my arrival. But I did not remember her number. So I asked a random stranger at the airport if I can borrow his phone for 5 mins and used his phone to log into my Facebook and dropped my friend a message that I broke my phone but I will be shortly on my way to meet her at the restaurant. She saw the message and immediately responded. If you really want to communicate to someone, it is not that hard these days.
fromheart Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 You did nothing wrong. I would have been disappointed too. All of these women on here telling you how you stuffed up lol. I imagine them at least being a little disappointed too if the sexes here were reversed. Not showing up to a planned early date, and not making any communication about it would piss me off, would piss anyone off. I would have just sent one text - "Where are you, I thought we planned to meet now?" Then I would have ghosted her. NEXT. These women on here would have complained about that too............ Yes, I agree with this. She could have easily borrowed a phone, sent an email etc. She chose not to inform you that she was not making the date. Maybe you lost your cool a bit, but I would simply not have made any moves on her whatsoever, with that sort of lame behavior on her part. You clearly need a woman who has the decency to let you know if she can't make a date. This one may not be the one. I'd let her chase you completely, no contact on your part, she has to come to your place if she wants to meet. But she'll do the same again, so best not to invest emotionally. After you've given an apology, give a woman one night to get back to you(I give about an hour). If you don't hear from her, declare yourself single and start looking up other women.
Author Arthur89 Posted November 4, 2019 Author Posted November 4, 2019 Ok I didnt say you need to tell me now neither did i expres anger in my messages. I didnt accuse her of anything either. I said that i dont understand why she cant tell me anything when whe had a date planned. That i dont know whats going on and if she doesnt wanna seeme she can tell me that.... I dont feel like i was being agressive or anything but I guess women see it differently. But it doesnt really matter what anyone here says i guess. Its about how she feels about it but thanks to anyone who posted here
basil67 Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 Ok, let me spell it out for you - taken from your first post: You got a little angry: Short of you giving a cut and past of your comments, I suspect your anger showed. Not many of us can disguise anger when shooting off a text. Disappointed by her behaviour: Yeah, thanks mom. MOM. You would have understood if she didn't want to see you again: assumption Goes silent like this: accusation. Dude, you could have sent a"Hey, are you back yet?" or Hey, are you OK?" but no, you got mad, sounded like a mom, made assumptions and accusations. No coming back from that. 2
schlumpy Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 Not hearing what you want Arthur? You wouldn't be the first one.
fromheart Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 Ok I didnt say you need to tell me now neither did i expres anger in my messages. I didnt accuse her of anything either. I said that i dont understand why she cant tell me anything when whe had a date planned. That i dont know whats going on and if she doesnt wanna seeme she can tell me that.... I dont feel like i was being agressive or anything but I guess women see it differently. But it doesnt really matter what anyone here says i guess. Its about how she feels about it but thanks to anyone who posted here As another poster pointed out, the women here would understand if they were in your position. You didn't screw up, and its perfectly natural to feel angry if a date cancels without even bothering to tell you. The fact that she now gives you the cold shoulder, says something about her.
Author Arthur89 Posted November 4, 2019 Author Posted November 4, 2019 As another poster pointed out, the women here would understand if they were in your position. You didn't screw up, and its perfectly natural to feel angry if a date cancels without even bothering to tell you. The fact that she now gives you the cold shoulder, says something about her. No I did overreact, i should have sent her 1 text only but women will always see it differently than us man i guess. Problem is i did kinda react like a woman, my bad. Something similar happened to me like 5 years ago so maybe thats why I had a bad feeling about this.
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