Author Glixen Posted November 4, 2019 Author Posted November 4, 2019 At the back of your mind there's always a voice that said ''Have you tried that have you tried this?'' and you just want to shut that voice down so what do you do? This is exactly how I feel. I'm an overthinker and try to analyse everything from every angle. I just want to be satisfied with myself that I did all that I could or that it really wasn't me that was the problem here.
Twizzlestick Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 This is exactly how I feel. I'm an overthinker and try to analyse everything from every angle. I just want to be satisfied with myself that I did all that I could or that it really wasn't me that was the problem here. You did all you could. You were acting as a normal person within the beginning of a rele. That’s all you’re required to do in a healthy dynamic. It’s an alarm bell to you that you’re thinking that way. New reles are meant to be fairly breezy and easy. Not a task for one person - like a temperamental boss/struggling employee dynamic. It’s natural you are thinking this, I went though it on my latest ghosting. Funnily enough once I found out the “why” it vanished. I actually felt miffed I’d toiled away worrying about something that I consider unreasonable. Your answer is in the ghosting itself as an act. It’s nothing you did, more an actual torch being shone on that person. Put it this way, if say she hadn’t ghosted at this point, that element of her character would remain, silent and latent. Like a landmine. At some point she’d wheel out that nasty little ability further down the line. Who knows, after an argument or suddenly two years later. I’ve been in a long term rele where someone used the silent treatment and ghosting as punishment and a weapon and I can tell you it nearly ruined me at the time. You don’t need it in your life. It really is a case of the very action that is hurting you, also proving to you her utter unworthiness and “not fit for purpose” as a partner to you. Keep your self worth up. Not all that glitters is gold.
OatsAndHall Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 I never thought of it that way, as in it being a brutal act. I just figured she was getting on with her life. You're right. She must've had problems that she never mentioned to me. All she had to do was send a one-word sentence saying she didn't want to see me anymore. I would've been sad but I would have respected her feelings and respected her for being honest. Ghosting just seems needlessly cruel. Like an extra layer of punishment. It was an event that you were supposed to attend together, she ghosted you the way she did and then talked about how much fun it was via social media... "Brutal" is a kind word with regards to her actions. Ghosting, unfortunately, is a part of the dating world. Your situation is pretty rare and her behavior is inexcusable; you were together for awhile, you slept together and it's cold and cruel to just ghost you. It can be a blessing if one is in the early phases of dating someone though. I personally prefer being ghosted after a couple of dates versus getting meaningless platitudes from them. When I started dating, post divorce, I had been out with a woman a few times and we had a good time together. She disappeared on me and I made a mistake by forcing the issue a bit ("Are you okay?" "Do you want to meet up this weekend?" etc..etc..). She responded with lines of bullchit that just irritated me; "I'm a rough woman, you don't want to date me." "You're a really nice guy and I'm hard on guys like you.." Blah..Blah..Blah.. It would've been better if I just never heard from her. 1
Author Glixen Posted November 4, 2019 Author Posted November 4, 2019 You did all you could. You were acting as a normal person within the beginning of a rele. That’s all you’re required to do in a healthy dynamic. It’s an alarm bell to you that you’re thinking that way. New reles are meant to be fairly breezy and easy. Not a task for one person - like a temperamental boss/struggling employee dynamic. It’s natural you are thinking this, I went though it on my latest ghosting. Funnily enough once I found out the “why” it vanished. I actually felt miffed I’d toiled away worrying about something that I consider unreasonable. Your answer is in the ghosting itself as an act. It’s nothing you did, more an actual torch being shone on that person. Put it this way, if say she hadn’t ghosted at this point, that element of her character would remain, silent and latent. Like a landmine. At some point she’d wheel out that nasty little ability further down the line. Who knows, after an argument or suddenly two years later. I’ve been in a long term rele where someone used the silent treatment and ghosting as punishment and a weapon and I can tell you it nearly ruined me at the time. You don’t need it in your life. It really is a case of the very action that is hurting you, also proving to you her utter unworthiness and “not fit for purpose” as a partner to you. Keep your self worth up. Not all that glitters is gold. Thank you for your sound advice, Twizzlestick. You've helped me to understand her actions a bit more and given me a bit more peace of mind in that you're right - she most likely would have shown this cruel trait somewhere down the line. And in a way I'm thankful to her for doing so early on in the relationship before I got really hooked. I had a feeling I could find myself actually falling in love with her, so peeling the bandage off, so to speak, at this point was probably for the best. That doesn't make it hurt any less, mind you, but it does bring me a kind of peace with the whole sorry story. Thanks again.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 Wow, I'm sorry this happened. Nothing like that has ever happened to me after two months.....I really do not think that is typical so don't let it dissuade you from dating altogether!
The Outlaw Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 I'm sorry that happened to you, but while it may not feel like it, but anyone that ghosts you isn't worth it. And sometimes it's just a blessing in disguise because there's always someone better right around the corner.
winny Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 The irony here is the first brief relationship she had when she split with her husband was with a narcissist and she claimed he really did a number on her and left her feeling incredibly vulnerable, even convinced her she had mental health problems. One of the things she often said to me was how lovely it was to be dating someone who is kind and selfless vs. the narc she had previously been seeing. I'd like to think she just became overwhelmed or something but sadly I think the evidence points to a different conclusion. People who speak bad of their exes should be treated with caution... its a red flag for sure.
Berteau Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 Online dating brings out the worst in people and exposes you to the worst. Sorry this happened to you.
Author Glixen Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 Wow, I'm sorry this happened. Nothing like that has ever happened to me after two months.....I really do not think that is typical so don't let it dissuade you from dating altogether! Thank you. I hope it isn't typical because nobody deserves to be ghosted after seeing someone for two months. Unless, of course, the person being ghosted is abusive. 1
Author Glixen Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 I'm sorry that happened to you, but while it may not feel like it, but anyone that ghosts you isn't worth it. And sometimes it's just a blessing in disguise because there's always someone better right around the corner. Thanks, I'm doing my best to see it as a blessing or ultimately a good thing for me, but right now it's hard. I shall move on, though and hopefully find someone kinder and more considerate. 1
Author Glixen Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 People who speak bad of their exes should be treated with caution... its a red flag for sure. It depends on what kind of person their ex was, really. Sometimes there's nothing good to say about and ex but in getting to know someone and their past, it's a topic that is often hard to avoid. Interestingly enough, one of the ways my ex-wife and I bonded in the early days was over having crap exes and we were together for nearly 20 years.
Saracena Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 OP-I'm really sorry to read about your situation and really feel for you. These sudden, unexpected endings when things appear to be going well, are truly awful. I'm frankly amazed, given she had the same thing done to her and fully understood the pain it can inflict, she doled out the same treatment to you! She sounds awful, to be honest. I'm even more surprised in view of her age. People ghost for all sorts of reasons but all in all it's truly cowardly behaviour. Even if she's annoyed at something and giving you the silent treatment, it's still someone you should avoid. Appalling behaviour for a woman of her age, especially! If I were you I wouldn't contact her again, ever. For one thing, she'll more than likely not reply and you'll feel even worse. One thing is for sure, should she ever get in touch again in future (and ghosters often do) I would says something like 'Who?' or if by text 'Who is this?' A friend used to do this if someone ghosted. Shows in a way their departure wasn't that important, after all! And you're managing perfectly fine without them!
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