Author Glixen Posted November 3, 2019 Author Posted November 3, 2019 Sorry to hear that. If she was willing to ghost you after 8-weeks then you're honestly better off without her. Telling someone you're not interested isn't easy, but then again doing the right thing isn't always the easiest thing to do. You deserve better then that. She either wasn't feeling you the way you thought she was, found someone else or just got spooked. I know she doesn't owe me anything, let alone an explanation, but being the overthinking type, I just wish I knew if it was something I did or said (or didn't do or didn't say) so that I could learn from my mistake. And if it wasn't something I did, it's sad that what I thought was becoming quite a close bond was obviously not the same for her, even if she gave every indication that it was.
Author Glixen Posted November 3, 2019 Author Posted November 3, 2019 So I sent a measured, polite message saying if she could explain why she’d vanished. If it were she’d changed her mind I’d totally understand as that’s dating - but a simple message would be appreciated as being ghosted is very unpleasant. I added I’ll give it a while and then respect wishes for silence and delete her contact details, ending on best wishes. This is where I'm in two minds. I'm the kind of person who needs closure and always wants to learn from my mistakes in order to become a better person, but I don't want to seem needy or pushy. I've even composed a short but polite message to her, yet I just can't bring myself to actually send it.
Author Glixen Posted November 3, 2019 Author Posted November 3, 2019 Something she didn't like in a message? It could have been that, but I've no idea. How can someone know and learn from their mistakes if they are never told what their mistakes are? How far did you guys get? ... did you get to going exclusive? Yeah, we both deleted our online dating profiles after a few dates and had even been making plans to go away together and go to gigs or movies that are still months away.
Author Glixen Posted November 3, 2019 Author Posted November 3, 2019 Wonder if something serious might've happened at her end. Sorry op , not helping. Well, she hasn't deleted me from social media and is posting like normal. On Friday she still went to an event we had planned on going to together, even posting about what a great night it was. It's as if I meant nothing. That's the worst bit, being so easily discarded. She doesn't owe me anything, but a simple "This isn't working for me" would have sufficed.
Gaeta Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 Actually if you were exclusive she does owe you a warning she is no longer interested. People that have 2-3 dates sometimes don't feel the need to justify themselves and just don't call back but 2 months with exclusivity it's basic human decency to give you a good bye. It will be easier for you to move on if you delete her from your social media. 2
rightondude Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 Well, she hasn't deleted me from social media and is posting like normal. On Friday she still went to an event we had planned on going to together, even posting about what a great night it was. It's as if I meant nothing. That's the worst bit, being so easily discarded. She doesn't owe me anything, but a simple "This isn't working for me" would have sufficed. man.... now that's cold. You'll never get the closure you're looking for or the advice that would be helpful. That was always one of the most unfortunate things to me when I was dating and then got dropped without warning ... the not knowing whether or not I would just get down the same path with someone else and repeat the same unknown mistake! All I can suggest is some deep introspection and growth from this. You'll take some scar tissue with it and may end up being a better judge of character from this. Which is sad that you have to be. It may hurt like hell but think of it like this ... the person you thought you knew was obviously not who this person was. Not if she could do something like this to you. You are, truly, better off. And any explanation you get at this point is likely contrived since she's had so long to prepare an excuse that gets her out of any culpability. Keep your chin up brother, you seem like a good dude who puts a lot of thought into things. the right woman will really appreciate that!!!
Author Glixen Posted November 3, 2019 Author Posted November 3, 2019 Actually if you were exclusive she does owe you a warning she is no longer interested. People that have 2-3 dates sometimes don't feel the need to justify themselves and just don't call back but 2 months with exclusivity it's basic human decency to give you a good bye. It will be easier for you to move on if you delete her from your social media. Thanks. I do plan on deleting her in the next few days, just need to decide if I want to send that last message.
Author Glixen Posted November 3, 2019 Author Posted November 3, 2019 man.... now that's cold. You'll never get the closure you're looking for or the advice that would be helpful. That was always one of the most unfortunate things to me when I was dating and then got dropped without warning ... the not knowing whether or not I would just get down the same path with someone else and repeat the same unknown mistake! All I can suggest is some deep introspection and growth from this. You'll take some scar tissue with it and may end up being a better judge of character from this. Which is sad that you have to be. It may hurt like hell but think of it like this ... the person you thought you knew was obviously not who this person was. Not if she could do something like this to you. You are, truly, better off. And any explanation you get at this point is likely contrived since she's had so long to prepare an excuse that gets her out of any culpability. Keep your chin up brother, you seem like a good dude who puts a lot of thought into things. the right woman will really appreciate that!!! Now that I think about it, yes, I suppose that was quite cold of her. At the time I just figured she was living her life. You're right, any explanation I get will most likely be a cop out, but I'm trying to balance my need for closure with the realisation that I just need to leave it and move on. I'm just a bit hesitant to ever do the whole online dating thing again. Thanks for the kindness and encouragement, though, I really appreciate it
Lotsgoingon Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 I don't think this has anything to do with online dating. This silence happened all the time in the phone age. You can run into people like this who you meet at the local cafe ... or even through friends! Part of me thinks you're too quick to put yourself down ... when you assume that there was some "reason" why she backed off. That's a very iffy assumption. She could have just realized she didn't have the energy to date ... and she was at a point where she had to show more of her real self to you ... or there was someone else in the picture and she doesn't have the guts to tell you that ... No need to assume you "did something." The way you can learn form this, even in the silence, is to go back through your time with her ... and really look hard, look closely ... people almost always give us a hint of their strange later behavior. Was there anything, could have been a quick statement of some kind? ... Something weird she said ... or did ... or told you about her past ... that now looks a little questionable? Might be a way she overreacted to something ... a way she talked about a work situation ... Sometimes you can find the weird action by remembering any times you felt something was odd ... or had a reaction in your body ... though at the time the reaction didn't make sense ... or you thought you were overreacting. So you ignored it. Dude, you're going to have the same challenge meeting people outside of online dating. 3
Inspire Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 I know she doesn't owe me anything, let alone an explanation, but being the overthinking type, I just wish I knew if it was something I did or said (or didn't do or didn't say) so that I could learn from my mistake. And if it wasn't something I did, it's sad that what I thought was becoming quite a close bond was obviously not the same for her, even if she gave every indication that it was. I completely understand your wanting to know why, but realize that anyone with decency would have given you some type of explanation. You went out for 8-weeks but only saw each other 8 times. That isn't a lot of face to face time to really get to know someone inside and out. Chances are she may not have been the person you thought she was. Was she new to online dating? How long had she been single for? Was she reciprocating or just mirroring your comments. (e.g. girl only says I miss you when you initiate the statement) Did you two talk about exclusivity?
OatsAndHall Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 Well, she hasn't deleted me from social media and is posting like normal. On Friday she still went to an event we had planned on going to together, even posting about what a great night it was. It's as if I meant nothing. That's the worst bit, being so easily discarded. She doesn't owe me anything, but a simple "This isn't working for me" would have sufficed. That's one of the most brutal things I've read about on this site... I'm sorry, my friend; that's flippin' awful. I know it hurts but, at the end of the day, she isn't worth your time or energy. There is something wrong with someone who can do that.. 1
Author Glixen Posted November 3, 2019 Author Posted November 3, 2019 I completely understand your wanting to know why, but realize that anyone with decency would have given you some type of explanation. You went out for 8-weeks but only saw each other 8 times. That isn't a lot of face to face time to really get to know someone inside and out. Chances are she may not have been the person you thought she was. Was she new to online dating? How long had she been single for? Was she reciprocating or just mirroring your comments. (e.g. girl only says I miss you when you initiate the statement) Did you two talk about exclusivity? She was kind of new to online dating. She had previously been married for nearly 20 years (as I was) and ended up with a narcissist after she and her husband split. I think she was single for about 6 months or so when we met. She was the first to say she really liked me, the first to start using terms of endearment, always saying she missed me/couldn't wait to see me, etc. And, yes, we both said we didn't want to see anyone else and deleted our dating profiles. If the signs were there, I obviously missed them or she was just good at hiding them.
Author Glixen Posted November 3, 2019 Author Posted November 3, 2019 That's one of the most brutal things I've read about on this site... I'm sorry, my friend; that's flippin' awful. I know it hurts but, at the end of the day, she isn't worth your time or energy. There is something wrong with someone who can do that.. I never thought of it that way, as in it being a brutal act. I just figured she was getting on with her life. You're right. She must've had problems that she never mentioned to me. All she had to do was send a one-word sentence saying she didn't want to see me anymore. I would've been sad but I would have respected her feelings and respected her for being honest. Ghosting just seems needlessly cruel. Like an extra layer of punishment. 1
Twizzlestick Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 This is where I'm in two minds. I'm the kind of person who needs closure and always wants to learn from my mistakes in order to become a better person, but I don't want to seem needy or pushy. I've even composed a short but polite message to her, yet I just can't bring myself to actually send it. No I sympathise. The first time I was ghosted I didn’t say a thing, because it was pointless as only a brief connection. But in the second instance, like yours it was down right weird. As for looking pushy, I’d made my peace with that being irrelevant, as I considered the whole thing dead in the water anyway. People who ghost sail away because they objectify. Their pheasants never come home to roost. It’s why I composed that message as I wasn’t feeling like facilitating such poor respect of others by remaining silent like a good little person. A polite message as I sent expressing understanding if they changed their mind but emphasising ghosting is highly unpleasant. Use the word ghosting in it too haha. I ended by saying I’d give it a day and then delete the lot, contact details etc My response worked - as turns out this girl was attempting to give me the silent treatment and when she realised I was A/ calling her out and B/ about to bail scorched earth, she responded within fifteen mins. In your instance it likely won’t work to get them back, but it will leave an unpleasant annoyed taste that they’ve been named as ghosting. You’re not playing the game as an object you see, you’re meant to keep silent and help them sail away and do it to the next person like a discarded chip wrapper. For me that’s what I got out of it, my own boundaries and self respect. I wouldn’t bother if it happened after one date with minimal connection but in cases like yours - I personally would. It’s no different because it’s dating, we call out bad behaviour in the rest of our lives. It’s part of self respect. You’re not trying to scold someone merely naming it for what it is so they don’t get off without something to chew over. It’s highly personal and if you feel it would leave your worse feeling don’t do it. Do not do it to get them back, that ship sails when they ghost. They already show they respect you slightly less than a house brick when they ghost so nothing you do will “get them back” 1
schlumpy Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 She was the first to say she really liked me, the first to start using terms of endearment, always saying she missed me/couldn't wait to see me, etc. And, yes, we both said we didn't want to see anyone else and deleted our dating profiles. If the signs were there, I obviously missed them or she was just good at hiding them. No I think the signs were there and you did miss them. She love bombed you.
winny Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 Well, she hasn't deleted me from social media and is posting like normal. On Friday she still went to an event we had planned on going to together, even posting about what a great night it was. It's as if I meant nothing. That's the worst bit, being so easily discarded. She doesn't owe me anything, but a simple "This isn't working for me" would have sufficed. That's just horrible. That's why she hasn't deleted you from social media. She wants you to suffer. This woman may be a narc. This is cold and calculated game playing. I know it hurts and no one deserves this. But from where I stand, this is a golden opportunity for you to block her from everywhere. Don't play with fire. Do not try to understand what she is doing and why. Count your blessings and throw her out of your life asap. She may come back later and shower you with some more love bombs and hook you right back in. Because you seem to have completely fallen for her. Don't let that happen. This woman is intentionally ignoring you and then posting on social media to add salt to your wounds. This is not the type of woman you should waste your feelings on. Get away from her, NOW! 1
rainbow12 Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 Thanks. I do plan on deleting her in the next few days, just need to decide if I want to send that last message. Send the message, if that's what makes you feel better and give you peace of mind, there's no wrong or right answer for you to send the message or not, that's your decision not people here to make. Go for it because deep down it would give you peace of mind and give you the courage to say ''Hey at least i tried and that was my final effort'' Give yourself some time to be ready to delete her on whatsapp, I did the same and I felt good that I knew the truth after my final message that person is not going to ever respond back and I can finally delete and move on. :rolleyes:
Ruby Slippers Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 This sounds just cold-blooded. Thank goodness I've never experienced something so rude and awful. I'm sorry this happened to you. 1
Inspire Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 I agree and disagree with rainbow. I agree that the decision to contact her again is solely yours to make and not ours but I disagree with the statement that "I tried and this was my final effort" as a reason to contact her again is IMO foolish. If you two had a disagreement of some kind and words were said, I could see reaching out as a way to clear the air but none of that happened here. She'll get hers. You know what they say about karma. The best satisfaction you could get from this is if she contacts you again to reengage and you shut her down. Delete, block and move on with your life because she isn't worth anymore of your time. 2
Logo Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 Trying to get closure from her will be a waste of your time. You said she's newly separated and is new to online dating. I think she got excited with her new-found freedom and the possible abundance of options available online. I'm speculating, but it's possible. To expect an explanation from someone who did you like that after 2 months is futile. Closure comes from within. Even if she did, she'll give you the lamest excuses and none will be worth your time. The best thing you can do is ignore her and delete her from your social media. The more you try to get an explanation, the more power you give her. Don't give her that satisfaction. I know it sucks. I tried to get closure from someone who cheated on me. It's a waste of time. You'll find someone better. It might take time, but you will. People who ghost are weak and immature and have no manners. The quicker you move on, the better off you will be. 2
rainbow12 Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 I agree and disagree with rainbow. I agree that the decision to contact her again is solely yours to make and not ours but I disagree with the statement that "I tried and this was my final effort" as a reason to contact her again is IMO foolish. If you two had a disagreement of some kind and words were said, I could see reaching out as a way to clear the air but none of that happened here. She'll get hers. You know what they say about karma. The best satisfaction you could get from this is if she contacts you again to reengage and you shut her down. Delete, block and move on with your life because she isn't worth anymore of your time. You are right but my advise for him to give it one last go to contact her wasn't because to get closure because we both know she won't answer and it's futile but because...it help him feel like at least hes done enough. At the back of your mind there's always a voice that said ''Have you tried that have you tried this?'' and you just want to shut that voice down so what do you do? You give it one last go and to try and offer the olive branch but if they don't want to...proceed in replying or come up with lame excuses then yeah let go don't keep going over and over to message someone. I just think a little go in sending a message can't hurt and it be the final straw to let go.
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 I would definitely call her out. But yeah, her not wanting to date may have nothing to do with you. I recently went on some dates with someone - I wasn't really looking. One day he texted me couple of messages in Norwegian in reference to the last place we had a dinner at. At the time, I was busy and preoccupied and didn't get the reference at all. I simply texted him "what? I don't speak that language.".. When he explained - I felt bad. He has put so much thought into it, and if I used google translate, I would have gotten that messages were something we talked about. But I had no bandwidth for that stuff. I couldn't even put 2% of energy he was putting into it. He didn't make me feel bad at all, I just realized then that I am not in the right place to date. I did tell him though...
fromheart Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 Things have dramatically changed since the 90's brother, online dating is pretty much an extension of online pornography. More plastic, more disposable, cheaper and more toxic. Women have become even more aggressive and disrespectful. Consider women from other countries, femininity still exists in other corners of the globe.
Author Glixen Posted November 4, 2019 Author Posted November 4, 2019 No I sympathise. The first time I was ghosted I didn’t say a thing, because it was pointless as only a brief connection. But in the second instance, like yours it was down right weird. Yeah, if it's only a first or second date or there's no real connection I can sort of understand why someone would just stop talking. But after a couple months, it just seems cruel or cowardly. In your instance it likely won’t work to get them back, but it will leave an unpleasant annoyed taste that they’ve been named as ghosting. You’re not playing the game as an object you see, you’re meant to keep silent and help them sail away and do it to the next person like a discarded chip wrapper. For me that’s what I got out of it, my own boundaries and self respect. I wouldn’t bother if it happened after one date with minimal connection but in cases like yours - I personally would. It’s no different because it’s dating, we call out bad behaviour in the rest of our lives. It’s part of self respect. You’re not trying to scold someone merely naming it for what it is so they don’t get off without something to chew over. It’s highly personal and if you feel it would leave your worse feeling don’t do it. Do not do it to get them back, that ship sails when they ghost. They already show they respect you slightly less than a house brick when they ghost so nothing you do will “get them back” Thank you. I really appreciate how you've explained it, especially about calling them a ghoster. I've decided that I will send the firm but polite message to her, if anything to just call her out on her bad behaviour so maby she will rethink her actions and not do the same to someone else. I don't expect nor really need a reply from her but I do kind of need the closure for myself, so thank you for the advice. It's greatly appreciated.
Author Glixen Posted November 4, 2019 Author Posted November 4, 2019 That's just horrible. That's why she hasn't deleted you from social media. She wants you to suffer. This woman may be a narc. This is cold and calculated game playing. The irony here is the first brief relationship she had when she split with her husband was with a narcissist and she claimed he really did a number on her and left her feeling incredibly vulnerable, even convinced her she had mental health problems. One of the things she often said to me was how lovely it was to be dating someone who is kind and selfless vs. the narc she had previously been seeing. I'd like to think she just became overwhelmed or something but sadly I think the evidence points to a different conclusion.
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