Glixen Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Hello, This is my first post here but I've been lurking for some time. I'm 42/male and separated from my wife of 20 years just over a year ago and will be divorced soon. I decided a few months back it was time to get out there and start dating again. I wasn't really prepared for how things have changed since I was last dating in my early 20s - way before online dating was acceptable, before the days of Tinder et al. I had a couple dates which went ok but never felt a really strong spark on my side on one of them and on the other, she didn't feel it. That's fine and to be expected. However, I met someone who I really clicked with before we even met and once we did meet, I had pretty much the best first date of my life. There was instant chemistry between us, we'd agreed to meet up again within the first half hour and even had a passionate kiss at the end. We continued seeing one another once a week for the past 8 weeks (she has children and a busy work schedule but always found a day to fit me in) and things just kept getting better. We'd even made plans to go away for a weekend in a month or so. Things were great. That is, until this past Monday. We shared the usual "good morning" and chatted throughout the day as we usually do but come evening, the messages stopped. Tuesday comes and she's still not replying to my last WhatsApp message from the day before (though she has read them). I just figured she was busy. Then no messages came the next day. Or the next. I finally asked her if she was ok on Friday (and asked if we were still on for that night as planned) and...nothing. It's become clear that I've been ghosted. I suppose this is incredibly common for people who are used to dating but for me, someone who had been married for quite some time and is quite sensitive, it's rather difficult to deal with. I can sort of get ghosting someone after one or two mediocre dates, but not after two months of great dates and physical intimacy. I suppose I just need someone to talk to who is neutral. I don't get why someone would do this to someone else without so much of a "sorry, I don't think this will work". I wasn't prepared for the hurt this is causing me. I can deal with someone saying it isn't working, but I'm just left feeling confused. What did I do wrong, I keep asking myself? If she wasn't feeling it anymore, why not just say so? Thing is, she's not blocked me and is still following me on social media. I guess I just don't know how to deal with something so unexpected and hurtful and it's already making me feel like never bothering with dating again if this is what it's like these days. TL;DR: I was ghosted by someone I was really falling for and who gave every indication of falling for me. I don't know how I should deal with this.
dramallama Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 The first person I dated after my marriage ended ghosted me, too, if it's any consolation. He was a barrister, I expected better from someone who negotiates for a living. We'd been on 5 great dates over a couple of months, the last one a sleepover at his, and he asked me to stay longer but I couldn't; and then after seeming normal over text he blocked me on all platforms 5 days later! He'd given hints earlier about feeling anxious when something looked like a relationship, but he'd seemed so happy when I last saw him! So, I feel you, I've been there. It stings, but you pick yourself up and move on, glad to have avoided discovering that callous streak in someone later on when you were more invested.
preraph Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 What were the last couple of messages you got from her before they stopped, and do you know what she was doing later that day? And I guess it's worth asking if you were texting for no reason and too often and she might have been too busy for that?
schlumpy Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Were you exclusive with one another? If not, then perhaps she had a chemistry class with someone else. But seriously, ghosting is treating people like they are a commodity. Do you want to be with some who thinks they can return you to the store for a new item whenever they want? Chances are you will hear from her again with some lame excuse. 1
preraph Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 After eight weeks and then getting ghosted, honestly, I'd be worried enough that I'd be contacting someone to be sure she's alright -- which she would then find creepy, I'm sure. But that's why I asked what is the last thing she was talking about. 1
Gaeta Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 I am sorry you were dismissed without a word. A lot of people will ghost after a couple of dates it's more rare after 2 months, usually they have enough consideration to break it up. I was ghosted after 5 months. We were exclusive, we had gone through all the normal dating steps. One day he left my home saying he loved me, the next he disappeared. It's hard. I am a tough cookie but that one hurt me a great deal. I moved on and met someone 100 times better. You don't feel it now but someone much better is waiting for you. . 1
Author Glixen Posted November 2, 2019 Author Posted November 2, 2019 After eight weeks and then getting ghosted, honestly, I'd be worried enough that I'd be contacting someone to be sure she's alright -- which she would then find creepy, I'm sure. But that's why I asked what is the last thing she was talking about. Hi. Well, the last thing we were chatting about was how her back was hurting and I was telling her she has my sympathy because I had a long run the day before and my legs were killing me. All routine, normal stuff to be honest.
Author Glixen Posted November 2, 2019 Author Posted November 2, 2019 So, I feel you, I've been there. It stings, but you pick yourself up and move on, glad to have avoided discovering that callous streak in someone later on when you were more invested. Thank you and you have my sympathy for what happened to you as well. I am going to try and pick myself up and move on. I suppose I'm just rather old-fashioned in that if I'm no longer feeling a relationship, I'll at least let them know rather than just disappear into the ether.
Gaeta Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Why not call her? After 2 months I think you are entitled to an explanation.
Author Glixen Posted November 2, 2019 Author Posted November 2, 2019 I am sorry you were dismissed without a word. A lot of people will ghost after a couple of dates it's more rare after 2 months, usually they have enough consideration to break it up. I was ghosted after 5 months. We were exclusive, we had gone through all the normal dating steps. One day he left my home saying he loved me, the next he disappeared. It's hard. I am a tough cookie but that one hurt me a great deal. I moved on and met someone 100 times better. You don't feel it now but someone much better is waiting for you. . Thank you Yes, I consider myself to be quite tough due to things that have happened in my life but this really threw me. I suppose it's a learning experience at least, just a lesson I wish I didn't have to learn
Author Glixen Posted November 2, 2019 Author Posted November 2, 2019 Why not call her? After 2 months I think you are entitled to an explanation. Oh, I did call her. No reply and straight to voicemail. I've taken the hint. Doesn't mean it hurts any less, though. 1
Gaeta Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 In my case he contacted me via email after 2 months to apologize for ghosting and to tell me I deserved a better man (idiot) I sent him back and email in which I let out all my anger. It felt good at the time, still took me time to deal with the anger his ghosting generated in me. This is a warning, some will get back to you after a ghosting. No matter their story don't fall for it. .
Author Glixen Posted November 2, 2019 Author Posted November 2, 2019 In my case he contacted me via email after 2 months to apologize for ghosting and to tell me I deserved a better man (idiot) I sent him back and email in which I let out all my anger. It felt good at the time, still took me time to deal with the anger his ghosting generated in me. I imagine it was a pretty powerful feeling and you were justified in that anger. I'm toying with the idea of sending one last polite but honest message to her about how I feel but I know I'll eventually decide against doing so. I just really fell for her and it hurts. This is a warning, some will get back to you after a ghosting. No matter their story don't fall for it. . I did wonder if she would contact me again. Why would someone stop replying to my texts and WhatsApp messages and not take my calls yet also not delete me from Instagram and Facebook if they wanted no contact with me? It makes no sense.
mortensorchid Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 I am sad this happened to you, but I think what is / isn't happening with people is that we have vintage values clashing with new ones in general. Not just with dating, but there is a courtesy for others that people don't have anymore. Narcissism has taken over unlike anything I have ever seen. People don't practice good communication in general, they figure if they are not interested they just blow the other off and move onto the next. Hence, ghosting. But... Take it in stride. If it makes you feel any better, everyone has been ghosted. It can and does hurt, but it's what it is.
preraph Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Any disagreements about the kids along the way or if she had to cancel or something?
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 I'm toying with the idea of sending one last polite but honest message to her about how I feel but I know I'll eventually decide against doing so...Why would someone stop replying to my texts and WhatsApp messages and not take my calls yet also not delete me from Instagram and Facebook if they wanted no contact with me? It makes no sense. It doesn't make sense because you're not the type of person to do something like this. IMO, definitely don't contact her again. I noticed you wrote you won't do so, just want to encourage you to stick to your guns on it. You dodged a bullet on this one. Unless something catastrophic happened that has shocked her into complete silence (highly unlikely, would have to be huge) this woman is lacking in integrity to have been involved with you in the way you described and then exit the R with no explanation whatsoever. Be glad you found it out before being with her longer and being betrayed in an even worse way. 1
Author Glixen Posted November 2, 2019 Author Posted November 2, 2019 I am sad this happened to you, but I think what is / isn't happening with people is that we have vintage values clashing with new ones in general. Not just with dating, but there is a courtesy for others that people don't have anymore. Narcissism has taken over unlike anything I have ever seen. People don't practice good communication in general, they figure if they are not interested they just blow the other off and move onto the next. Hence, ghosting. But... Take it in stride. If it makes you feel any better, everyone has been ghosted. It can and does hurt, but it's what it is. Thanks. I can see the differences in attitudes between the generations, definitely, but I'm 42 and she was 7 years older than me so that's another reason it was a shock. We even once discussed how she had been ghosted before by a narcissist and how awful it was. I suppose I can only shrug my shoulders and do my best to move on.
Author Glixen Posted November 2, 2019 Author Posted November 2, 2019 Any disagreements about the kids along the way or if she had to cancel or something? No. I don't have any children and her two are adults. She only had to cancel one date and we immediately rearranged for the following day.
rainbow12 Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 I can feel for you as well about ghosting. At the time I liked a turkey guy right now I prefer no foreigners and would not talk to one ever again. Anyway it was online after 3 weeks of chatting he then ghost on me and i felt released when i found out his real intentions. I don't like him anymore and I wouldn't be that person again whom flirts or talks to anyone online but...I know how it feels to not feel happy inside, where no matter whom comes along all you do is think and so much want to grab hold of that person you once thought you had and to try everything in your power to make amends and in flight of fantasy he would atleast say one word but...our intuition is not stupid and it knows the score. I've been living and feeling down for a few days the 1st was the worse but...it did get better for me...and i learned to just stay away from app chatrooms. :rolleyes:
chillii Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 (edited) l do have theories and observations especially with older women. it was 23yrs for me too, different world now man oh man, and everyone's older and skitish and spooked and been through very big stuff. in time l met a few very special women , eventually. but not really relationship stuff for me personally and they'd just disappear at the drop of a pin. Mind you nothing going on as such, not my thing, but a couple where we at least would've made great friends, l dunno , not that l'm all that into women as friends but l dunno, it just surprised me how quickly they'd just snap and cut that cord. But then later l met gf, fireworks from second one and very very obviously. l'd couldn't imagine her just dropping out like that but you know, it's also very very scary when that does happen, that thing with that someone, and it means everythings on the line, heart, intensity, emotions, vulnerability, the lot. l was scared shytless myself l'd been through enough crap too. But women in particular get very very spooked at that , sometimes l think they just wake up scared out of their skin cut and run. l'm thinking with yours it might be that. Either or there was something underneath going on she didn't tell you about,like maybe she was troubled about being older , or something else going on. Not sayin you'll hear from her again, but maybe once she has time to figure it out, never know. Edited November 2, 2019 by chillii
Inspire Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 Sorry to hear that. If she was willing to ghost you after 8-weeks then you're honestly better off without her. Telling someone you're not interested isn't easy, but then again doing the right thing isn't always the easiest thing to do. You deserve better then that. She either wasn't feeling you the way you thought she was, found someone else or just got spooked.
rightondude Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 (edited) brother I hate hearing stories like these; they're all too common when meeting on online dating. the choices are endless and the whole thing can end up feeling transactional in nature if both parties are still swiping after meeting. 8 weeks does seem like a long time; I don't think you'll find this to be the norm, but man that has to hurt. I know that felt like some significant time together but.... ... chances are she wanted to give others a go rather than furthering things with you. And she didn't feel obligated to explain as such, as y'all met in the huge emotional void that is online dating. Especially if it was via a swipe app where women are presented with literally thousands of options. If you don't lock it down quick it ain't gonna last. Even if you're perfect some women (especially if they're new to it) are gonna wonder whats behind doors #2-#1000.... I've been in your spot and you just have to develop some thick skin, get a little jaded and skeptical, but most importantly, just keep on keeping on. Learn to enjoy the ride. When you do find the right one you'll both know it. Also don't be surprised if you suddenly hear back with some lame excuse. I wouldn't justify it with much more than a grudge F. Edited November 3, 2019 by rightondude
Twizzlestick Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 I feel for you as like yourself I’ve been out of dating for years and now experienced this twice. It’s not your age and neither is it acceptable because it’s the norm. It’s bad form and some good posts above asking if you need such a person in your life - blessing in disguise thing. My first ghosting i just ignored it. The second one like yours was weird. Constant dialogue for weeks, all keen then mid convo vanished. I could see she was online. I sent a couple of “are you ok” texts. Read but no reply. I considered my options and in this instance I was not worried about “over persueing” as I’d decided she’d ghosted. Rather I decided I wouldn’t let this slip without expressing my disquiet which I felt justified. Why let this slide eh? Self respect and all. Just because you’re dating does not mean you have to roll on bad behaviour. You wouldn’t neceasrily in other spheres of your life. It comes down to whether you will gain anything from it, and in this instance I did. Of course it depends if you can communicate it by being polite. Some folk get annoyed which isn’t good. So I sent a measured, polite message saying if she could explain why she’d vanished. If it were she’d changed her mind I’d totally understand as that’s dating - but a simple message would be appreciated as being ghosted is very unpleasant. I added I’ll give it a while and then respect wishes for silence and delete her contact details, ending on best wishes. Well, that worked! It seems ghosters hate being called out. It turns out she was giving me the silent treatment over something minor she didn’t like in a message. Apologies for misunderstandings were shared for the sake of moving on from the impasse. Actually it’s shed light for me that this person is willing to use silent treatment as a punishment. That’s a line in the sand for me as I suffered his behaviour in a previous rele and it caused agony so I’m not willing to put up with that again. Kind of a learning thing.
Lotsgoingon Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 Something she didn't like in a message? After 8 weeks, she definitely should have just called you and let loose with what she didn't like. Bottom line: you dodged a bullet. BTW: ... people ghosted in the old days ... they stopped taking calls or replying to calls. Happened all the time in the era of answering machines and voice mail ... Tons of movie scenes of people leaving message after message, begging for a response ... Movies can be fake, but in this case, they accurately mirrored life. How far did you guys get? ... did you get to going exclusive?
chillii Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 (edited) Yeah the 8 wk thing is just strange with as close as they sounded. l mean l understand some l met not wanting to stay just friends but any others that just disappeared were just a few calls , one l'd met once, nothing like op's thing with her though and 8 wks. Wonder if something serious might've happened at her end. Sorry op , not helping. Edited November 3, 2019 by chillii
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